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| mwa ~ PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, September 15, 1992 - 7 i a Quite often I'll receive letters from readers asking for my advice or opinion on personal matters as well as current affairs. For instance...... Dear Bill: How do you figure a mod- ern day advice columnist who still can't bring herself to use the term "sexual intercourse," referring to it as "the act," who dishes out bad advice daily, who is syndicated in over 8,000 newspapers around the world? PS. Please don't "print my name or the name of the col- umnist in question. Call me Mr. Curious or something. Thanks. Dear Mr. Curious or something: Thanks. It's simple. You take the letter from a reader and you print it under bold type marked Dear Ann: Then under Dear Reader: you off- er some advice you remember reading on the back of WWII rationing cou- pons. At the end you run the disclaim- er that absolves you of any responsibil- ity or legal entanglement: "Seek Professional Help!" You keep doing this until you fill up a 6-inch square in a newspaper. After you get six letters back calling your advice backward, archaic, off-the-wall, Neanderthal, stu- pid and insulting to women, you write by William Thomas SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP! a headline across the top of these let- ters like "Boy Did You Set Me Straight" and run them in such a way as to fill up a six inch square page in a newspa- per. This is called your next column. You keep doing this until you have enough money to underwrite the roof replacement project in Dade County, Florida. Just so you don't think I'm making this up, the letter was signed Norm Alexander, Dundas, Ontario. Dear Bill: I'm a pilot for Air Canada and with all the merger talk and rumors of layoffs I've found that taking a handful of quaaludes before I leave for work really relaxes...... SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP! Dear Bill: How did you like the news flash last week that Toronto Hydro employees have won the right to walk off the job -- with pay -- after alleging any type of workplace harass- ment like race, religion, ethnic origin, sexual orientation, gender or disability? Dear Reader: I loved it. Finally an economic plan that will work. I think as soon as these rights are given to hydro workers right across Canada you can expect a dramatic upturn in the economy generated mainly from those retail sectors that sell candles, flash light batteries and cold cuts. And by the way this is not new. We've enjoyed these kind of union gains in Ontario for years. They're called plant shutdowns. Dear Bill: I'm an Air Canada pilot and lately I've been getting giddy at the thought of buzzing the C.N. Tower while people are eating...... SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP! Dear Bill: So like what do you think of Agriculture Canada's plan to import millions of beetles and weevils from Europe and releasing them in our wetlands so they eat and thus stop the spread of our purple plague weeds? Dear Reader: The last time we brought beetles over from Europe, Ed Sullivan wouldn't let them gyrate their groin areas on national television. But seriously, you must be very careful transplanting plants and animals into an alien environment. Some years ago | was walking across Spanish Wells, a tiny Bahamian island when I spotted an animal that looked exactly like a weasel except it was the size of Randy The Macho Man Savage. A storekeeper in the next town informed me it was an Asian mongoose the Bahamian govern- ment had imported to eliminate poison- ous snakes. Today there are no poison- ous snakes in the Bahamas but they have mongeese that'll beat you up in your hotel lobby and drive off in your rental car. In order to control mongeese the Bahamian government is consider- ing a plan to import either Bengal tig- ers or tactical nuclear weapons. What the world really needs is a laboratory- bred carnivore that preys on scientists. Dear Bill: Me and my buddy are going hunting this weekend. Do we need a license to hunt deer with land- ing gear. Sincerely Captain Robert...... SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP! Dear Bill: I'm a little confused about this new unity deal in which Quebec would get 25 per cent Commons repre- sentation over 10 years with 75 per cent a majority necessary to pass legis- lation which would then require a veto of 70 per cent in the Senate where Quebec has 25 per cent representation and 50 per cent dissenting senators could send the bill to a joint session of Commons and Senate? Could you explain this. Anonymous. Dear Mr. Clark: It's quite simple. In all those cross-Canada dog and pony shows including the one in which Bill Spicer spent $25 million dollars to come to the conclusion that Brian Mulroney isn't very well liked, the people sent a clear message to the politicians: we want a Canada without divisive factors. The politicians misunderstood this message and gave us a Canada with fractions that are hard to divide. Dear Bill: I am not an Air Canada pilot. But if I hit an animal (say a deer) with my vehicle (say a wide-body 747) could I keep the venison? SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP! Send any and all questions to this newspaper marked: Asked Uncle Bill. Lette I'S to the editor To the Editor: Recent reports have dis- cussed the extensive investiga- tion into anabolic steroid and drug use by athletes, the drug's health effects, and improve- ments of detection procedures in the blood and urine. If we discovered our children were being given over-the- counter drugs, we would be alarmed. But pesticides (insec- ticides and herbicides) includ- ing the hormone-type weed kill- er 2-4-D, are continually being sprayed into the air that our children breathe. Durham Region sprayed 2-4- D along all rural ditches this summer, as recently as Aug. 17 on Regional Road 2! Ontario Hydro sprayed 2-4-D at their station at the end of Bigelow St. a few days later! The Weed Man and Chem Lawn and other lawn care companies have been treat- ing lawns in Port Perry/Prince Albert all summer with 2-4-D. Durham Board of Education also has sprayed school yards. There is no protection for the children. There is no prevention of absorption as they play on treated grass. Individuals in the area spray 2-4-D and other pesticides on their lawns under the name of KILLEX and other brand names. In September '86, U.S. T.V. reports expressed concern about children of migrant work- ers helping their parents to pick crops because their little hands and bodies were being exposed Spray is harmful to pesticide residues. Aug. 2, 1988 - The Globe & Mail reported the rare form of lymphatic cancer - non- Hodgkins lymphoma has been increasing here in the past 20 years. A cancer researcher with Health & Welfare Canada stat- ed there are strong suspicions for viewing 2-4-D weed killer as the cause. Journal of American Medical Assoc., September 1986 associates 2-4-D with can- cerin Kansas farmers. We have labs and money for the detection of drugs in ath- letes. From our own personal experience with pesticide poi- soning and cancer there are NO LABS or judicial bodies set up toexamine the levels in our bod- ies of these pesticides, their health effect, or to offer the ap- propriate preventative or health care information. Call your school board and check to see if they are using 2- 4-D or any other chemical on the grounds. If they do, demand they seek safer alternatives. Call your regional councillor and demand Durham Region stop the spraying of 2-4-D in the ditches. Call Ontario Hydro and any other company, organiza- tion or government facility that continues to pollute our air, soil and water and threaten the lives of those in our community. Gary Beadle, Prince Albert. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR The Port Perry Star encourages our readers to make use of the letters to the editor column to express their opinions and viewpoints on just about any subject, as we feel a lively letters column helps make a better community newspaper. We insist, however, that all letter writers sign their name. Sorry, no anonymous letter will be printed. bh Remember the Scugog Rail Stop? It was located at Lot 18, Concession 9 In Cartwright (the Edward Armstrong farm). 45 YEARS AGO Thursday, September 11, 1947 Mr. Murray Holtby of Prospect took as his bride Miss Florence (Tot) Carter of Scugog. There are two cases of polio reported in Port three game winner was Bruce Beare, skip, and Roy Honey. Congratulations to Mr. Douglas MacCannell and Ross Bailey on winning leather club bags as consolation prizes for taking part in the calf Perry. scramble at the Exhibition. Mr. and Mrs. E. Wagg of Prince Albert have sold their home and are moving to London. 35 YEARS AGO Thursday, September 12, 1957 At the Black and White Show at the Port Perry Fair, Roy Ormiston of Brooklin and Orval Chambers of Wilfred tied for Premier Breeder 30 YEARS AGO Thursday, September 13, 1962 There were 416 pupils enrolled at Port Perry High School and 488 at the Public School. Holstein exhibitors of the Black and White Show held at the Port Perry Fair turned back their prize money amounting to $530 to the Fair Board to help with 136 points, and George McLaughlin of pay for the new cattle barns that were used this Beaverton was right behind with 134 points There were 136 head shown with 30 different exhibitors. Don Popert and Irene Ptolemy escaped serious injury when the motorcycle they were riding collided with a car driven by Sinclair Robertson In the Men's Doubles in Lawn Bowling the high year for the first time. Frank Barkey, a member of the Brooklin Junior Farmers, has been awarded a Provincial Junior Farmers Traveling Scholarship. He will attend the Rural Youth Conference in West Virginia. Gary Lee, Greenbank, fell and broke his arm PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 8 pi