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J. Danforth Quayle, the 44th vice- president of the United States is leav- ing public office and I'm simply sick about it. In America, Dan, single-handedly, has done more for laughter than Madonna has done for sex and although it's close, he has personally touched more people in that country. In a very tough entertainment market Dan Quayle eventually won the Family Values Sweepstakes when he took on the fictional, comic character of television's Murphy Brown because he somehow managed to come off looking more comical and more fictional. Make no mistake about it, the man of whom it is said takes two hours to watch 60 Minutes has been more quot- able than Mark Twain, with the dead- pan delivery of Buster Keaton. When Dan assured a group of Republican supporters in a recent cam- paign speech: "This president is going to lead us out of the recovery. You can count on it." -- even his secret service agents were rolling on the floor. In a splendid display of spontaneous hyperbole near the end of the cam- paign, Dan described America under the Republicans as "...the greatest pla- net on earth!" Voters in that country are still shak- by William Thomas THE GAG GUYS DAN AND BRIAN ing their heads and chuckling at Dan's now famous family values equation: "The best anti-poverty program I have ever seen is marriage." Presumably the vice-president was endorsing a rather unique computer dating service that matched really poor people up with really rich people. I don't have to describe to you the mother lode of laughter in that little sitcom. No, it's howls and whistles every time the man speaks and nobody is more jealous than our own prime minister. | First of all there's always been a great deal of resentment over the job -- Dan Quayle is vice-president of the United States and Brian Mulroney has always wanted to be. Unfortunately, in this ongoing tail- wagging tournament to be George's lap dog, both of them finished second to Millie, the purebred White House dog. Millie -- and I'm not making this up -- wrote a book entitled Millie's Book that generated $800,000 in sales. Funny, but I cannot think of a single economic idea by Brian, Dan or George that generated $800,000. So Brian is mad as hell about Dan and he's not going to take it anymore. The war of inadvertent wit is on and in one laugh-packed interview last week, Brian all but buried the legend of young an. Upon returning from Florida recent- ly where he reportedly met with his gag writers, Brian admitted to the Canadian Press that he (and I'm quot- ing here): "failed to realize the scope of the recession and he may have mis- timed some important economic initiatives." You'll note the more subtle style of delivery that Brian uses while losing none of Dan's explosive punch. Failed to realize the scope of the recession? The man wears Guiccis and we have children in this country going to bed in shoe boxes! Mistimed some important economic initiatives? Oh, I don't think so Brian. When you have millions of unemployed people using up their life savings just to eat and keep warm and you nail them with the 7 per cent G.S.T. on all items they can't afford to buy anyway -- well I think it takes black comedy to yet another level. And the reason why Canadians over- whelmingly rejected his Charlottetown constitutional agreement? Said Brian: "..fear of change." Buddabumpbump. Here Brian deftly employs the comic technique of antithesis - declaring the direct opposite to what actually is. Fear of change? I don't think so. I think some 7 million Canadians had change on their brains and Brian on their mind when they voted NO last month. Like all seasoned comedians, Brian kept his best for last and in one line I think he blew four years of Dan Quayle quotables. Asked why, when so many Canadians want him to leave office he insists on running again Brian with an absolutely straight face said: "Ib pursue further achievements." (Look if you're not up off the floor in two minutes, I swear, I'm not going to finish this column: Now straighten up). When he's cookin', he's the greatest - - the Riddick Bowe of ribaldry, the undisputed heavy weight champion of wit, the crown prince of parody. "To pursue further achievements." And why does this work so well, comedically speaking? Well it's all in the s. The line is void of all humor until he adds an s to the word achievement. This tacked-on-at- the-end pluralization of the word sends the mind racing back through the last eight years trying to identify one single solitary achievement the man has had. When you come up empty -- WHAM! -- you've just been hit with the complete optic surprise, the coup de gag it you WI1ll. The beat of comedy is three. So you have the hook - we elected him twice, the set-up - nearly a decade of deals, the punchline - net result zero. Timing, understatement, smooth delivery - no matter what you think of him personally -- Brian's a comic genius. Sorry, but when it comes to stand up comedy and knocking voters on their duffs -- Dan Quayle, you're no Brian Mulroney! Letters io the editor Bridgeport Signs not involved To the Editor: While shopping a few days ago, I heard the name of my company, Bridgeport Signs, mentioned during a discussion some people were having re- garding the new town entrance signs. The gist of the conversa- tion was, why didn't town coun- cil hold a contest before pro- claiming Port Perry as the capital of "anything" and that the town was probably better known for having the largest outdoor skating rink in the world. It was also stated that it was unfair to expect service groups to pay for such elaborate and expensive signs when a more modest design would suf- fice and would the taxpayer have to pay for the frequent maintenance of these signs. Someone said that the sign manufacturer was on to a good thing here and since Bridgeport Signs was mentioned, I am com- pelled to write this letter. Bridgeport Signs was not in- volved in any way in this pro- ject. Normally, a project of this magnitude would probably be ut to tender by the township or since a private individual was looking after this and no tax funds were to be used, ten- dering was not done. I assume that competitive quotes were obtained to ensure the best de- sign, construction and costs. Signs placed next to high- ways are exposed to severe con- ditions such as salt spray, freez- ing, slush, vehicle exhaust fumes and the abrasive action of grit in the air. While my com- pany has produced signs simi- lar in construction to the new entrance signs, I have no expe- rience with them being used as road signs. Due to my uncer- tainty as to how these type of signs will weather, would have declined to tender a quote, had I been asked, preferring to leave this type of project to a company who had the experience. Several people have also asked me if, as a member of the Kinsmen Club, I was involved in their letter to the editor of two weeks ago. I have been on a leave of absence from the club for the past year and had no prior knowledge of the letter or that the sign issue was even be- ing discussed by them. In closing, I would like to say Remember When ? HISTORIC PHOT ERT Be a Ba A O COURTESY OF MARGARET STEER ®) that I do agree with one point that last week's letter by Pam Wanamaker makes: "Like it or not, these signs are up and go- ing on about it won't change anything." I think her husband, Wayne and whoever else is re- gponsible for the design and construction of these signs should be recognized for their involvement and effort to im- prove the economy and commu- nity spirit. Sincerely, John D. Groeneveld, Bridgeport Signs. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR The Port Perry Star encourages our readers to make use of the letters to the editor column to express their opinions and viewpoints on just about any subject, as we feel a lively letters column helps make a better community newspaper. We insist, however, that all letter writers sign their name. Sorry, no anonymous letter will be printed. Thursday, November 20, 1947 The Port Perry Yacht Club held a delightful dance at the High School. The music was provided by Art Asher and His Orchestra. There was just enough couples (75) to make the dancing really pleasant. The ladies of the Evening Auxiliary of the fund. United Church held a meeting at the home of Mrs. F. DeNure with about 30 members in attendance. Mrs. Love, Mrs. Griffen, and Mrs. R. Cornish were also present. Mrs. Hooey conducted the worship service and Mrs. Day and Mrs. J. E. Jackson read a chapter from the study book. Thursday, November 21, 1957 and Mrs. Jim Smith of Port Perry chaperoned Saturday night at a Teen Dance held in the Public School. During the evening, the president of Port Perry Teen Town, Wayne 45 YEARS AGO This was a happy family gathering of some kind but we're not sure what the occasion was, where it was held or who these people are. Drop us a line if you can shed some light on the history behind this photo. Venning, presented Bill Harrison with $100 in cash as the club donation to the Minor Hockey Association. The Building Fund for the extension to the Scout Hall was substantially increased by the direct efforts of Beare Motors who turned over one day's gross receipts of the car wash service to the Scout 35 YEARS AGO The Ontario County public speaking contest and debate was held at the regular meeting of the Port Perry Junior Farmers. Debate centered on the controversial topic that farm people are losing their independence. 30 YEARS AGO Thursday, November 22, 1962 Mrs. Marie Taylor, a Port Perry organist, was guest recitalist at the October meeting of the Ontario Registered Music Teachers Association. Mrs. Florence Harper of Port Perry was hostess and PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 8