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§1 'POAT PERRY STAR Wednésday, Décermber29;1993)- 7 ¥ vn? dye "meses a it % ' vg ~33 v I 3A EAL BA] WORE 2 "A Family Tradition for 127 Years" X i This country, Canada, is becoming a place, that the United Nations will no doubt soon declare: "way too much fun to live in." Recently a 42-year-old woman from Nova Scotia lead a small group of irate consumers from that province in demanding that Nestle Canada pull their product Zoodles off the shelves because -- (Warning: the remainder of this column contains graphic sexual depictions that could cause animals in Canadian zoos to take one look at the next human visi- tor through the turnstile and soil themselves laughing). -- when she turned the can upside down, she claims the palm tree closely resem- bles male genitalia. I was dumbfounded. My first thought was: "Male genitals the size of 2 palm tree! Dr. Stubbs must be stopped! This guy's out of control!" So I went out and bought a can of by William Thomas CANADA A JUNGLE OUT THERE Zoodles, noodles in the shape of 200 animals in a tomato sauce. The label is a cartoon of a jungle scene with a zebra, a monkey, a lion, an elephant and hippopotamus and a palm tree with two coconuts. I must admit when I turned the can upside down, I too was shocked. The hippo. looks exactly like former Conservative M.P. Don Blenkhorn turtled on a Florida beach without his medical alert buzzer. : Dutifully, on behalf of the 42-year- old women all across this country "with way more time on their hands than is clinically advisable, I checked: salt, vegetable oil, cheddar cheese, modified corn starch, spices, tomato paste and pasta shapes. Nope, they are not listed in the ingredients. You have to be concerned when a 42-year-old woman from Nova Scotia has her prurient nature titillated by an upside-down cartoon jungle scenario. You have to be even more concerned if you're the husband: "Hon- ey, I feel stupid in this gorilla costume. Are you sure... WHOMPP!!!" If anybody else out there is excited by this can of Zoodles, please do not rent Fatal Attraction. And, in the only nation in the world where political correctness demands a higher priority than food banks -- Nestle Canada wins this year's PC Oscar for immediately 'agreeing to scrap the label. - Gee, if I had of known Nestle Canada was such a pushover, I'd have brought them up on the political cor- rectness carpet myself. You see, Nestle also owns and distributes Miss Mew cat food. My late, little Malcolm just loved Miss Mew. Not, the cat food, Miss Mew! Nestle put a sexy photograph of Miss Mew on all the cat food cans and it drove Malcolm and me nuts. Never mind the bite marks I'd find around her neck. I can't tell you the number of times I'd find Malcolm under the covers with a flashlight. and the label with the photo of Miss Mew. I should have sued Nestle. I still ro might. Now that I think of it, I believe the Miss Mew label to be pornographic to cats and the excitement it caused Malcolm contributed to his death. "Just once, Bill" he said near the end. "Just once with that sassy, little thing . and I'll never be bad again." (Please, to all the-lawyer's whose prurient interests have been piqued by the thought of a dead cat suing 'Miss Mew -- I'm only kidding). This is, of course, Kim Campbell's fault. You'll recall that during her election campaign she told the press in Vancouver that she was suffering from the Lack of hanky-panky syn- drome and now. its spread across the country to women in Nova Scotia. Now cartoon animals are paying 'the price and I'm worried about what harm might come to Chef-Boy-R-Dee. There is a simple solution to this and all other instances in which Canadians struggle to stand atop the pinnacle of political correctness but our medicare system does not yet cov- er HUMAN BRAIN TRANSPLANTS. Besides, we'd have to go outside the country to find suitable donors. Letters to the editor Suspect fears are well founded correct information. Journal- fear of a disastrous economic situation, fear of losing Canadi- an citizenship, fear of losing rights, fear they would be pre- vented from speaking English, and fear of being badly treated. I suspect that all of the above fears are well founded. From Page 6 month after the column. Telro's interpretation of the Toronto Star response was that the To- ronto Star was caught fudging the figures and leaving out very important facts, and having been found out by Mr. Peter Sauve, tried to sweep the whole thing under the carpet. As we know, media bias is a very common thing. We as an organization run across it every day. Thanks again to Peter Sauve and others like him who fight media bias and, in turn, spread the real facts so people can come to honest conclusions based on Generous youths To the Editor: The generous Christmas Spirit of our local young people was evident this week in the ar- ray of toys, gifts and food items delivered to the Food Bank to fill Operation Scugog Christ- mas boxes. We have read a lot of negative ists like him are helping to turn the situation around, inside and outside Quebec. The Quebec Provincial Gov- ernment sponsored a study among anglophones in Mon- treal. The study prepared by the Office de la langue francaise indicated that half of those sur- veyed would leave an indepen- dent Quebec. Of Quebec's 760,000 anglo- phones, 550,000, or 70 per cent live in Montreal. Those who said they would leave were asked to choose one or more rea- sons from a list. Those most often cited were: comments about our youth in the last few weeks but the spirit of giving and concern for others shown by the students of all our local schools is truly impres- sive. Congratulations and thank you. K. Gundry Monday. | Star extends New Year greetings to advertisers, readers and contributors The management and staff of the Port Perry Star would like to extend a Happy New Year to its readers, advertisers and contributors. It is our sincere wish that our many customers, friends and colleagues throughout the area enjoy health and prosperity in the coming year. | The next issue of the Port Perry Star will be available at the regular time on Tuesday, January 4, 1994. Advertising and news report deadlines for this issue is 12 noon on Holiday Office Hours Tuesday, Dec. 28................. Wednesday, Dec. 29............ Thursday, Dec. 30............... Friday, Dec. 31................... Sat., & Sun.,Jan1-2 ....... Monday, Jan. 3/94 ............... Siasbiamprerrne 9pm - 5:30 pm Sia Rename 9pm - 5:30 pm era 9 pm - 5:30 pm ree 9pm - 4:00 pm errr CLOSED aaa Regular Hours EE aLAL a Dean J. Kelly, President, 139 Water -- - IDORT PERRY auto glass &* trim wi, & 6 High Street, . Port Perry Written 72 1 4 [el bi (To ETT I: : 7 ses Quarantee ¢ - .* INSURANCE WORK SAVE wpto *50°° with most insurance companies with this coupon at time of purchase On any one replacement - - WINDSHIELD Insurance Claim esi 3 Locations ¢ Mobile Service 985-8507 Port Perry Association of All Work Guaranteed 668-2003 Whitby Dedicated oon adians (Est. 1967) -- Shop Early for Best Selections we