The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

"A Famlly Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, April 19,1994 - Ja As we near the end of yet another exhilarating season of the sport of curling, I for one was left gasping and on my knees in front of the television set during that final end of the world championships when I dozed off and fell out of my reclining chair. But hey, I'm teasing. As I've said before, curling is the truly great social activity of our time and unique in that a competitor can still continue to play while hooked up to a life support system. I love this sport -- men sweeping in houses, women ordering men to sweep, men following orders. Basically the game consists of you throwing rocks into a house, then your opponent throws a rock at your rock, rocks hit rocks, some rocks are taken out and at the end of an end everybody gets their rocks off and then they start all over again. As I said, it's a very social sport. It's so typically Canadian. I'm told that bush pilots flying over remote areas of northern Alberta have wit- nessed beavers curling on the Peace River. On a traditionally cold winter's night, hundreds of thousands of Canadians bundle up and drive for miles and miles to the curling rink, where indoors, they bundle up and play a game, on ice, under traditional by William Thomas HEY! IS THAT GUY DEAD OR IS HE THE SKIP? cold winter conditions. Presumably these same people would drive for miles on a sweltering summer night to have a sauna. But I love this game. I really do. Oh sure, I know I've said some things in the past about watching curling on television was somewhat slow, like watching postal workers on valium. And yes I may have said that curl- ing was such a simple sport that Joe Clark had figured it out. But all that's changed now and for two very good reasons. First of all, curlers are finally tak- ing my advice. Some time ago I initiat- ed a campaign to get more excitement and action into the game. My sugges- tion was to take the deplorable and dehumanizing violence out of hockey and put it in curling, in my opinion, a game that desperately needs it. I felt that bodychecking, tripping, fighting and above all, highbrooming would be welcome additions to the rather staid slide and sweep routine. Well, at last month's Canadian men's curling championship in Red Deer, Alberta, now dubbed the "Red- neck Brier," Ontario skip Russ Howard was screaming blue bloody murder, the fans were heckling him and his team, there was tension, rudeness and a real divisiveness between provinces. Only two fist fights and bench-clearing brawls kept it from matching a Toronto Maple Leaf, Montreal Canadien game. Simmering hatred between fans and visiting teams may not win curling a national television contract -- but it's a start. "The Redneck Brier" was delayed for four hours when Russ Howard, on the third day of yelling "HARRRRR," blew out the rink's sound system and hogs, both domestic and wild, began congregating at the front door. And, just last week in Truro, Nova Scotia at the Canadian junior women's championship there was an injury. Honest. The skip of the winning team from the Province of Manitoba acciden- tally poked herself in the eye with her own broom. Now nobody's proposing a 15-day Disabled List for curling just yet, but you start adding up the groin pulls, the wrist sprains and the eye pokes and you've got the makings of some real ugly and abusive drama. This was the only recorded injury in the history of the game of curling that did not occur within a 15-foot radius of the bar. : And the second reason my impres- sions of the game have changed is that over the past winter I became a curler. This is true. The Welland Curling Club, not overly amused at my remarks about their sport, hosted the William Thomas Crapshoot Bonspiel last fall in which two ducks were put in a pen, on the ice, and spent the better part of an hour pooping on a series of my columns. This is something the entire mem- bership of the Welland Curling Club wanted to do but past president Gordon Dandy convinced them that this was a job best left to ducks. And I was cordially invited in a let- ter which ended with: "We don't know any real celebrities so we were wonder- ing if you want to show up." And I did. It was great. They let me be the lead rock, almost every end. Plus they were very gracious -- they said my columns were very absorbent. Now that's why I now love curling. The people are terrific, they party as if it were a profession and they're start- ing to listen to me as well. Think about it -- any time you introduce defecating ducks into the sport of curling, I believe you increase the excitement level by 75 per cent. I love this game. Editor's Note: Unfortunately he's not making this up. Curling -- The Game For The 90's But You Gotta Be That Old To Enjoy It! will be published by Stoddart in the fall of '95. Signed copies of William Thomas' book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Malcolm and Me, P.O. Box 130, Port Colborne, Ontario. L3K 5V8. Please include how you would like to have the book inscribed. Bridge Results April 6 - Afternoon | 4 Table Howell - Avg. 42 First - Joyce Heard and Helen Mathieson 49-1/2. Second - Harold Brown and | Don Atkinson 46-1/2. by AVE i Third - Georgia Brock and Ed i Clark 45-1/2. : ) Fourth - Marie and Harry : Genuine Toyota Brake Pads arnegie 43-1/2 i TOYOTA Fivening od 3-1/2 Table Howell - Avg. 24 I First - Judy and Don Atkin- son 29-1/2. I Second - Mary Alton and I] Gord Day 26. Third - Joan West and Anne Scott 24. PORT PERRY TILE INSTALLATION hy FT 2) COROT AT 11) (OM TINY I 1 (3 IER (ATOR S Gy (HIS 2024 09 OF DAY UY VA Vb ON) Call Dave: 985-1461 or [Te] SF 1 Ra T=RVA1 [f= To =H BI=ToleT Shoppe: 985-4808 ONTARIO COMPUTER FAIRS Over 50 exhibitors offering savings & selection in computers, software, games, related products, computer clubs. Sunday, April 24 11am to 4pm Soccer City, Whitby (from Thickson, west on Consumers Rd., then go north to 100 Sunray Court) Admission $5.00 adults Children 10 and under free For more info call 1- 8004658286 LINDSAY'S OLDEST IMPORT DEALER Little Britain Rd, across from McLean's Auction Bam. (705) 324-6771 Ww ep » Self-storing * No permanent framework BS = =F XN AX 20 Authorized Dealer : Opaque Wood J] {(=])}-] Coating Penetrates and Protects e Available in 13 rich colours e Effectively penetrates and protects wood surfaces. a V4 1 3 >a B ArT Ta J 1 CENTRAL PAINT & WALLPAPER 295 Ritson Rd. S., Oshawa 434-3939 ENJOY SUN OR SHADE ON YOUR PATIO OR DECK » Custom designed in any size * Perfact for todays lifestyle » Beautiful fabrics from European designers * Hi-tech electronic sun & wind control system Sun if you want it - Shade when you don't - The choice is yours Aristocratic Retractable Patio & Deck Awnings - No obligations call today! (Normal Installation) FREE Installation for the month of April! ADD BEAUTIFUL NEW LIVING SPACE TO YOUR HOME The Quality Sunroom that adds to your lifestyle & increases the value of your home. Enjoy the summer in absolute comfort with no unwanted breezes, no bugs & no rainy days to spoil your fun! Check these features: Beautiful added space - instantly, maintenance free - never needs painting, a fraction of the cost of conventionally constructed room additions.