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"A Family Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, May 31,1994 - 3a Canada is casino crazy. First Winnipeg then Montreal and now Windsor. In only its first six months, Casino du Montreal has made a profit of $71 million for the province of Quebec. Experts believe that if this annual profit of $140 million continues, that by the year 2050, Montreal will be able to pay off the debt for the 1976 Olympics. Of course between now and then a man somewhere in this world will probably give birth to a baby, so, according to ex-mayor Jean Dropeau, the debt will automatically be cancelled. Gambling is the greatest thing that's ever happened to this country since Robert Stanfield woke up one morning, found three small guys with funny voices in his underwear and started Fruit Of The Loom. Casino gambling is the answer to all our financial problems. Think about it - we're going to go out and gamble our brains out, thus losing huge sums of money, our cars and CANADA CASINO CRAZY our houses. You can't win -- they even tell you that up front -- the house always wins in the long run. So how do we replace all the things we hawked to pay off our gambling debts? Right, we put everything on our credit cards. You don't even need money for this, you just need 30 days. And after 30 days when all our bills come, what do we do then? Right again, we go to the bank to take out one big loan to consolidate all our various debts including the one itemized on a beer coaster owed to a guy named Vinny "Cold Soup" Gazpacho. And eventually what will happen to banks who lend money to deadbeats and gambling fools like you and me? Correct, they go broke. Hence the time honored gambling slogan "break the bank." So let's get out there and lose our shirts, the worst that could happen is we'll bring down the Canadian banking system -- something we should have done at the turn of this century. Oh, yeah, there's one more thing. There are some people in this country (spoilsports) who believe gambling may not be good for us. Specifically the people at the Canadian Foundation on Compulsive Gambling believe that many of us which get such a thrill out of going out every day and losing our life's savings that we won't be able to stop. So please answer the following set of questions the foundation has asked me to come up with, to determine if you have any unstable or risky character flaws which could lead to addictive gambling behavior. #1. Have you ever played Monopoly for real money then gone into your child's room later that night and robbed the kid at gunpoint? #2. Have you ever suggested you flip Revenue Canada double-or- nothing for your tax return? #3. Do you have any children named Whirl-O-Wind or Secreteriat? #4. When you worked at the county fair, did you ever attempt to guess the weight of former Canadian Senator Pat Carney? #5. Do you stick needles in the eyes of the people in news photographs who've won the 6/49? #6. Do you often find yourself Straight From The Hip by William Thomas crying A) when your husband comes home from the track broke? B) when your husband comes home from the track? #7. Have you ever wished a relative would die so you could inherit her lucky bingo markers? #8. Have you ever eaten a whole tub of margarine and then bet on the time the heart attack will hit? #9. Have you ever tried to sell somebody you were babysitting at the Quick Pick window? #10. When you wife's in the mood do you usually offer to flip her two- out-of-three to forget about it? #11. Have you ever lost the grocery money flipping quarters against the wall at A & P? #12. Have you ever had to commit a complicated sex act in return for a ride home from Atlantic City? #14. Have you ever invested in a - get-rich-quick-deal with the brokerage firm of Smith, Stant, Eckardt and Gillooly? #15. Are you superstitious? Signed copies of William Thomas' book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Colborne, Ont. L3K 5V8. Please include how you would like to have the book inscribed. Seniors ju EE ES -------"----------0m--m I | PAIN IN THE DRAIN? | | A clogged drain is a problem -- period. Over-the-counter chemical solutions can be environmentally dangerous and can actually hurt your pipes. Mr. Rooter offers professional plumbing services from | Sh CENTRAL PAINT 8 WALLPAPER meeting An open house, to which the public is invited, will be hosted by the Port Perry Seniors Club at the Latcham Centre on Wednesday, June 22 at 2 p.m. This open house is part of the Festival of Events to "Celebrate Durham '94." Admission is free. The Regional Municipality of Durham is 20 years of age and the Port Perry Seniors Club is 32 years old. So it's time to have a joint celebration! An interesting and varied program has been arranged. Part of the program includes: (1) greetings from visiting dig- nitaries; (2) the senior's choir; (3) five flag salute. Seniors want to encourage patriotism in our land and this patriotism i 1s built into the "fiye flag salute." Please watch the next two is- sues of this newspaper for fur- ther program features and a special advertisement on June 14. 295 Ritson Rd. S., Oshawa 434-3939 EE ------------ CETOL UV Interior unstopping clogs to full replacement. Call today and say goodbye to your pain in the drain. 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