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"A Family Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, June 14,1994 - 3a Yes, once again the tourist season 18 upon us and straight from Niagara Falls, Canada's premier sightseeing attraction if you don't count that 40- foot Ukrainian Easter egg in Vegreville, Alberta - come the most asked questions by inquiring minds in need of a really good Catscan. And a big round of applause for the employees of The Table Rock Restaurant who answer each and every question with politeness and diplomacy before they go into the back and laugh so hard they hurt. Here then are the most unique questions asked by tourists and the answers the staff would like to give if they weren't so fond of regular employment. Question: We don't have to be handicapped to go through the wheelchair entrance do we? Answer: No, of course not, but if it would make you feel better it would only take a couple of minutes for me to hobble you. Question: How do I get up to the Table Top Restaurant? Answer: Just use that chair to step up there but make sure the people are finished eating. NIAGARA FALLS - INQUIRING BLANK MINDS WANT TO KNOW Question: Do you rent barrels to go over the falls? ) Answer: Here at the restaurant, no. You have to go over to the Daredevil's Rent-O-Ride booth and ask for Dave Munday. Question: Do they shut the falls off completely at night or in the off- season? Answer: At night we shut them off completely. In the off-season we freeze them and the San Jose Sharks play their away games on them. Question: Is the mist over the falls radioactive? Answer: No but on a cloudy day, the rainbow can be nuclear reperishable. Question: Can we hop on the Maid Of The Mist half way through? Answer: Sure. And if you like, I'll hold on to your valuables. Question: Do you have to be between six and 12 to go on the Maid Of The Mist? Answer: Yes but not in years. The rule is you must be between six and 12 feet in height or between six and 12 kilos in weight per person by Imperial volume. Question: Where's the Mist Of The Mating? Answer: The Maid Of The Mist docks at the foot of the falls. Most of the mating takes place over on Bridge Street. Question: Does the Whirlpool Aero Car go to Buffalo? Answer: It did last year but we caught the guy and he's behind bars now. Question: Do they speak Spanish to you on the Spanish Aero Car? Answer: If it's the Spanish guys that are on duty, then yes they will. If it's the Native Indians' shift, they speak Aero to you. Question: Where do I get the People Motivation? Answer: 1 think you want the People Mover over at the Rapids' View parking lot. If not, Canadian Tire sells cattle prods. Question: Do you have to be dressed to eat at the Skylon? Answer: If you're having the buffet, we do recommend it. Question: What's the best way to get a good feel....... for Niagara? Answer: Follow that guy in the lime-green pants over to Bridge Street. Question: What are the "Secret Tunnels?" Answer: It's classified information. I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you. Question: If you buy a ticket for the boat, do you get to ride on the bus. Answer: Yes. And if you buy a Straight From The Hip ... by William Thomas ticket for the Incline Railway you get to ride in the Niagara Helicopter. You see, everything here is operated by the NDP government. Question: Do you have any information on the economy? Answer: If we did, do you think we'd acthally have to charge you five bucks for a beer? . Question: Can we go snorkeling in the Whirlpool Rapids? Answer: Yeah sure. But watch out for people shooting by in those Rent- O-Ride barrels. Question: Isn't it against the "Law Of Gravity" for a river to flow south to north? Answer: You're right, at least it always has been. But about five years ago we brought in the Canadian Charter Of Rights, put a bunch of marine lawyers on the case and had the "Law Of Gravity" reversed. Question: Do we have to pay for Jenny? Answer: No, a Jenny goes free every day except Saturday and Sunday. If you have a Randy in your group, the. whole damn bunch of you don't have to pay. Signed copies of William Thomas' book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Malcolm and Me, PO. Box 130, Port Colborne, Ont. L3K 5V8. Please include how you would like to have the book inscribed. 120 to 130 Pull the plug on expensive electric heat and hot water with the Single Source Solution from Ultraman Hombnergs By heating vour home and water electrical vou re paving too much! 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