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"A Family Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, June 28,1994 - 3a According to the Fortean Times, a London-based magazine dedicated to the bizarre, the world became 3.5 per cent stranger in 1993. Yes, you'd be right in saying that most, if not all, of that increase could be directly attributed to the fact that 1993 was quite a year for Michael Jackson. Nonetheless, it's important to know just how weird, you as a person are ecoming, in keeping up with this trend. For instance on a do-nothing day, do you make a list of things you've already done and then check them off to make you feel like you've accomplished something? I do that. Do you steal soap from hotel rooms and mold them together when you get home to make a big bar of soap out of them? I do that. Do you believe the person who invented Beano used to work in the Complaint Department at Heinz Pork & Beans? I do. No matter where you are or how many people are watching or even if you're walking across a traffic- conjested street -- when you see a penny, do you instinctively bend over and pick it up? I don't do that. My mother does that. HOW WEIRD ARE YOU ANYWAY? My mother has arthritis in her fingers and back, she's got a knee that buckles as well as a plastic hip and she can pick up a coin in the street in one fell swoop. It's like her waist is made of rubber and her fingernails are magnetized. She also has cataracts and glasses that are always so smudged, Windex weeps on contact and this woman can spot a soiled and tarnished penny in the crack of a sidewalk on the other side of a busy street. I can't do that. When you come across a dog in a parked car do you bark and run around the car so that dog goes berserk and knocks over that half- filled cup of cold coffee on the dashboard? I do that. Do you feel that practicing patience, forgiving enemies, savoring special moments, counting your blessings, seeing the best in others and believing in miracles is one big crock of ----? Most days I do. Do you wonder just how many donut shops the face of this planet can sustain? I do. Do you ever leaf through the dictionary looking for back-to-back coincidences like "parachute" and "paramedic"? I do that a lot. Do you ever take a grease pen to someone else's National Geographic and draw underwear on all the naked natives? I've done that. When you're in Zellers or K-Mart and you can't find what you want and you can't find anybody to help you find what you want, do you start chanting: "Wal-Mart is coming!" "Wal- Mart is coming!" I do quite often. Do you re-use those plastic bags the newspaper comes 1n to store everything from soup to nuts and it has nothing to do with recycling? You'd just rather eat potting soil than pay for anything you know you're going to throw away? I'm like that. Do you ever put clothes on your kids backwards and send them off to school that way? I don't have kids. Are you keeping a list of all the people who don't return your phone calls for that day when doctor- assisted suicides become legal? I have a list. When you get into a crowded elevator with a friend do you say something like: "It doesn't matter who gave it to you as long as you get it treated!" I do that. Have you ever paid a parking ticket and down at the bottom of the check identified it as "A donation to the Foundation For People Who Can't Find Real Work." I do that every time I get a ticket. Would you rather spit than use the word "schmooz." I know I would. Did you ever see a pickup truck with bumper stickers that read: "Eat Straight From The Hip ... by William Thomas Mo' Possom" and "Honk Twice If You're Horny?" I saw that once. Have you ever let another driver cut into line in front of you and when they don't wave a thank you, you try to remember the make, model and licence plate number so you never let that happen again? Do you flash your lights on and off 40 warn oncoming drivers about radar and you notice women drivers don't have a clue as to what you're doing? I've noticed that. Have you ever ordered a Diet Coke with the five-layered chocolate cream tort thinking the pop will course through your digestive system assassinating most, if not all of the calories? I don't do that. Do you ever wish they'd come up with a combination Raid/Windex so you could kill insects and clean your windows at the same time? That's never occurred to me. When you stay over at somebody else's house, do you use their toothpaste even though you brought your own? I do that. When you just cannot throw something away do you give it to somebody else as a kind of guilt disposal? My sister Joan does that. Do you wish that drivers talking on car phones would get some kind of semi-serious but curable disease from them? I wish that. Do you dance naked in front of your pets? I don't do that. But I somehow suspect you do. Scugog Women and Business presems... How to talk to pou Ride about sen" > Speaker: Sue Johanson Thursday, June 30, 1994. Trillium Trails 7:30 - 9:30 P.M. Cost: $25.00 Tickets may he obtained at: Remax, 144 Queen St., Port Perry, or Community Memorial Hospital Switchboard, 451 Paxton St., Port Perry Registration Deadline: Monday, June 27, 1994 Proceeds from this event will be used to purchase > For Classified Ads > Stonemoor Day Care Centres Inc. 3 That Really Work - > 399 Queen St., Port Perry » 985-0800 « Long Distance Toll Free bali ro ---- re-- p to place your ad > "CHILD ENRICHMENT PROGRAM" | 3 1-800-561-6698 p ~ for children 18 months to 9 years : Port Perry Star customers > : : : p please call 985-7383 4 Full time & part time available ¢ Hours 6:30am to 6:00pm < | | [- | [| | | IS |] SERVICE SPECIALS; * 5-STAR INSPECTION % ENGINE TUNE-UP equipment for the "NEW LIFE CENTRE" Inspect and report on: battery and charging includes: installation of new Champion spark system, antifreeze protection, fluid levels, wiper blades, headlights and bulbs, tires, shocks/struts and exhaust system, "thermostat and heater, lube hinges, hood latch and safety catch, C/V joint boots plugs, check plug wires, distributor cap and rotor (where applicable), coil, PCV valve, belts, hoses, compression, air filter and battery", adjust timing and idle (N/A on fuel-injected vehicles). 4 cyl. *Similar prices on other of Community Memorial Hospital, Port Perry. . (where applicable) oil, lube and filter engines. Parts extra. Township of Scugog ~~ | Bl | conn B19 een | J R Summer + BRAKE CHECK & TIRE * PARTS SPECIAL ; ccreaton rograms BALANCE CASH & CARRY ONLY | rir = ise Spaces are still available in both the Brake check, 4 tires balanced, tire rotation FE-230 Oil Filters. ECC | ri a Sn =, + COOLING SYSTEM TUNE-UP J AIR CONDITIONING : 0 0 5 a sun Lay tmp oo Includes: flush and drain the cooling system, PERFORMANCE SPECIAL | July 11- Arta Camp 00 9 installation of 4 litres of Autopar 4 season check for leaks, clean condenser, check | oS NN Antifreeze/ Coolant, check radiator cap, pressure, adjust belts July 18-22 Crazy Critters 35.00 th tat. belts and h Arts Camp 60.00 emmostat, beltsand hoses. $44.95 July 25-29 Crazy Critters 35.00 ACYL ci $54.95 Sports Camp 00.00) 6 cyl $59 o5 * SAFETY CHECKS Aug. 2-5 Sports Camp 48 00 m------ Cars and light trucks only. Arts Camp 48 00 B CY. .....scommmmmmsmmssersnssens $64.95 $29 o5 Aug, 7-12 Sports Cam 6000 | oss ------ - Summer salar 6GO (OX) We are an authorized Michelin Dealer Aug 15-19 Arts Cam (O.00 B Walk on be Wild Side 6O 00 SPECIAL < Aug. 22-20 Fun in the Sun Day Camp 55 (X) prices on tires, Sports Camp (0 00 > wiper blades, Aug 29 to Sept 2 Fun in the Sun Day Camp 55 (OX) tc Drop in Sports Camp (x) (XH) e toda \ Please complete a registration form for these programs at the y 085-7354 or 404-8220 Municipal Clerk's Othce (208 North Street, Port Perry) Call 905-985-7340 for more mmformation _-_-- r-- -- -- p-- --_---- -- -- S----