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"A Family Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, August 9,1994 - 38 Like many of you, on Saturday mornings I listen to a gardening show because, once the radio automatically comes on, I'm just too damn lazy to roll over and turn it off. It might have been ratings week on radio because the host of this particu- lar gardening show opened up the lines to listeners with gardening ques- tions who were also looking for love. Honest. Singles looking for a little romance with their rutabaga were encouraged to call in and the host would make discreet, off-air connec- tions, if you get my drifting azaleas. This is a dangerous mix -- sex and pot- ting soil. I immediately fell back to sleep but the gardening show, minus the love connection, is still on the air, so I assume things did not go like this. Host: "Don from Dunnville, you're on the air with our first-ever love-connec- tion gardening show. Go ahead." Don: "Yeah, I'd like to get my hedg clipped." : This exchange is followed by 20 seconds of dead air as the show's pro- by William Thomas DIRTY DANCING ON THE RADIO ducer quotes several sections of the: station's CRTC licensing agreement. Host: "Laverne in Oakville, you're on the air." Laverne: "Yes, I've been having a lot of trouble stimulating my dwarf Dutchman this summer." Host: "Could you elaborate a little?" Laverne: "Well, I want to know if it's me or the bedding?" Host: "Yes well, it's probably not the bedding. The dwarf Dutch are acclima- tized to Holland's mild weather, so I suggest you start indoors and gradual- ly move to a porch or a glassed-in area outside." Laverne: "Well I'm sure that'll make him perk right up but what'll the neighbors think?" Host: "When the Dutchman's in full bloom it's something everybody in the neighborhood can enjoy. Now we'll go to Ethel in Peterborough." Ethel: "I'm into Bonsai breeding and I'd really like tc meet a Japanese gardener." : Host: "Well I'm not sure if I can help you there. Japanese gardeners are few and far between. I do however have the number of a dwarf Dutchman if you want to give that a shot. Dorothy in Hamilton. Go ahead." Dorothy: "Yes, thank you. Last year I tried to cross a pansy with a screw pine and..." Host: "Sorry we just lost Dorothy. Hello. Ron from Renfrew." Ron: "Actually that's an alias. I'm really Don from Dunnville and I'm serious man, I really gotta get my...." Host: "Fiona from Guelph, hello." Fiona: "Yes, I just love your show. In fact back in Kent, in the south of England where I'm from, I did a simi- lar thing...you know, bringing garden- ers together in a romantic way." Host: "How did it go?" Fiona: "Not too well I'm afraid." Host: "Oh?" : Fiona: "No, I ended up running a nursery for unwed mums." Host: "Linda in Niagara Falls, go ahead." Linda: "Yes I'd like to know why my peregrine keeps dying on me, and I'd like to meet your producer, the guy who took my call." Host: "Yes well, as you may have heard, fern doesn't do very well in beds but it goes wild in the woods." Linda: "Oooh that's marvelous, you said his name was Fern?" Host: "Now we've got a caller who wishes to remain anonymous. Go ahead sir." : Caller: "I'm short, like a dwarf Dutchman, eh? And my arms are short too so I can't like reach the top of the shrubs. Not even with a step-ladder, eh? Which is why I GOTTA GET MY Straight From The Hip ... HEDGE CLIPPED! Host: "Frank from Hagersville, go ahead." Frank: "Yeah, I'm a crop farmer and I grow sweet corn which I cook and put in a big vat for niblet wrestling." Host: "You wrestle in a vat of corn niblets?" Frank: "Yeah. My wife used to call me the Jolly Green Giant...ha, ha, ha." Host: "How can I help you?" Frank: "Well my wife passed away last year and I was wonderin' if there's a woman listenin' to the show who's got a pair of plumb tomatoes..." Host: "Kim on a cellular phone. Go ahead. Kim? Kim your line is breaking up, all we heard was something about priming the well and your hanging pansies." Kim: "Can you hear me now?" Host: "Yes, go ahead." Kim: "I said I used to be prime min- ister. I said to hell with gardening. I'm still looking for some hanky panky!" Host: "Kim, call Dunnville 905-774. The guy's name is Don. I don't think he's into gardening either. If that doesn't work out, how do you feel about sweet corn, Kim, as a kind of recreational chowder?" B Signed copies of William Thomas' book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Malcolm and Me, P.Q. Box 130, Port Colborne, Ont. L3K 5V8. Please include how you would like to have the book inscribed. so 4 Memorial plaque gone A memorial plaque has been literally "ripped off" a boulder near the Visual Arts Centre in Bowmanville. The heavy bronze plaque, which had been attached by screws and cement to the face of the rock, was ap- parently levered off and has not yet been recovered. This plaque was donated to FOCUS, a Clar- ington women's issues group, as a memorial to the 14 victims of the massacre at the Ecole Poly- technique in Montreal on Dec. 6, 1989, and all other female vic- tims of violence. "I think that it is very sad that the memorial plaque has been removed," said Mayor Diane Hamre, "and this action Taxi anyone? Taxi Everyone!! 985-9799 e Specially trained drivers eSame metered rate eApproved by Ministry of . Transportation 24 HOUR SERVICE PORT PERRY 985-9799 confirms and supports the con- cerns raised by the FOCUS group." Laura Richards, spokesper- son for FOCUS, said her first re- action was shock, then anger and a sense of loss when she learned of the plaque's disap- pearance. "It is horrible that the plaque, which was given to us to dedicate to the women who were massacred, was taken from us with such violence," she explained. "It shows us that vio- lence will always be a part of our lives, even 'as we work to eradicate it." Kringlewood Junetion Crafds & Gifds The Lion King / Myth of the White Wolf I CALL TO CONFIRM o 054 TUES./FREE HALF BACK PASS @ \_ The new standard in 66 to 106 hp! Ford PowerStar" tractors Furniture Refinishing & Antique Restoration Custom Furniture & Cabinetry Derek Maz er Son ~ Brooklin 655-3683 . gf G » \ . - . YL o IN : A - PEE ERO LY I I z - ds. : [L023 Sat Ian. 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