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PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, August 16,1994 - 3a "A Family Tradition for 128 Years" -------- Political correctness is killing com- mon sense faster than a speeding bul- let. Make that a velocity-enriched gun-generated missile. I spent last week at the Chautauqua Institute in New York teaching a writing course for Americans. Every day one of my students would bring me an interest- ing newspaper item and everyday I'd tell him: "It's supposed to be an apple, stupid!" Actually no, each day we would use this item to create a humorous story, like the day he brought in a clipping of the Lobster Boy murder trial in Tampa, Florida. In this case, a circus performer with hands and feet like lobster claws who had been viciously abusing his spouse for decades, was shot on a contract put out by the wife. After one and a half hours of dis- cussing this matter, my class decided that in Florida where the states jus- tice department offers "Iry'em and Fry'em Same-Day Service" and peo- ple hold tailgate parties during exe- cutions, that a more appropriate end to Lobster Boy would be to drop him by William Thomas SHOOT A BUREAUCRATIC, SAVE A LANGUAGE in a pot of boiling water at a beach- side clambake. I know what you're thinking. The answer is yes, They do pay me.) However one clipping from a news- paper in Narberth, Pennsylvania con- cerning political correctness being requested of Duff's Real Estate brochure, could not, as hard as we tried, emit even a modicum of mirth. We even held Richard the man who brought the item to class, down on the floor, removed his shoes and tick- led him while he read the ads, but this too elicited only sadness and regret, in part due to the man's socks. After complaints from special inter- est groups, John Duffy, has been ordered by the local real estate board to remove the following phrases from his company's advertisements: *white picket fence -- deemed racially unacceptable *Italian marble -- ethnically offensive *child-safe street -- discriminatory to adults *walkway -- discriminatory to the handicapped | *master bedroom -- denotes slavery *lakeview on scenic property -- offends the vigually impaired *his and her closets -- offends 'his and his' 'her and her' relationships. This is not an April 1 item. This is no hoax. This is North America, 1994, as perpetrated by an obsessive, offi- cious bunch of weasels that wouldn't recognize a logical thought if it reared up and bit them on their fat retentive butts. This is the KGB oper- ating inside the English language. This is the thought police running amok with .44 Magnum erasers. This has naturally got to stop. And lest you think Canada is any safer from the PC mafia, last week the Ontario NDP government paid $10,000 to a consultant to translate a report riddled 'with political correct- ness and bureaucratic legalese INTO ENGLISH! Not that the NDP can understand the translation either, but it shows you the enormity of the problem. - I mean, how far off is the day when an Eskimo Pie becomes an Indigenous Popsicle? Will the old become Chronologically gifted or wrinkle-enhanced? Perhaps liver-spot blessed will be the least offensive term. Accordingly the young would be temporarily-deprived or zit-rich. A drunk can never be a drunk again. A sobriety-deprived person, an Straight From The Hip over-served client or an alcohol- enhanced loiterer would do the trick. A swarming at a shopping mall unfairly represents the cowardly thieves who participate, so it will have to henceforth be known as non- traditional shopping. A riot after a Stanley Cup victory or a World Series win can never be termed a riot. It reflects badly on those people smashing store windows and burning poliée cars. No, these events will soon be called post-game, public, stress-divestments or alterna- tive victory parades. In Florida theyll still fry convicted killers of course it's a growth industry in that state. But the convicts will be referred to as mobility limited, state- sponsored clients, those executed will be deemed terminally inconvenienced and Lobster Boy will be remembered as Crustacean Person. If we don't soon stop the PClers from mutilating our vocabulary, we're going to need a whole new dic......... Oh sorry, that word could of course be demeaning to an arrogant, self-centered man formally known as a cad. Signed copies of William Thomas' book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Malcolm and Me, P.O. Box 130, Port Colborne, Ont. L3K 5V8. 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(905)985-4910 NGAGEMENT _ Pete & Shirley De Haas of Seagrave Ontario wish to announce the engagement of their daughter Kimber to Jean- Marc Tessier son of Jacques & Lise Tessier of Drummondville Quebec. The wedding will take place on July 29, 1995. 193 North Street, Port Perry OPPERS