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"A Famlly Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Wednesday, Sept. 7, 1994 - 3a A couple of weeks ago, Ontario's Northern Development Minister Shelley Martel married Ontario's Natural Resources Minister Howard Hampton. That would be former attor- ney-general Howard Hampton, in charge of truth, justice and the Ontario way, back when Shelley Martel took a polygraph test to prove she was lying. This is true. I can only imagine these two fell madly in love while playing Balderdash. As usual, the NDP government shot itself in the foot with the timing of this marriage. (Writer's note: "to shoot one- self in the foot" is just a figure of speech, a cliche denoting a gaffe or blunder. Nobody is suggesting a shot- gun was involved in this wedding). Just as it was in the middle of trying to show support for same sex marriage legislation, only the NDP would show- case a wedding between two govern- ment ministers who are heterosexual. Backtracking and covering their butts as NDPers do, I'm sure they'll issue a statement stating that, although this was a heterosexual mar- riage, next time for sure, it's same sex all the way. To be fair, the Martel-Hampton nup- tials do not have people in Ontario by William Thomas THE TOTALLY NDP KID gripped in fear and crouching behind sofas. Not yet. But six years from now? With the not-so-remote possibility of a totally NDP kid on the loose? That's a different story: "Tommy Douglas Martel-Hampton, you get over here this instant!" "But Mom, I'm trying to unionize my ant collection." "This report card is awful...C, C, D, F. You got an F on your special term project?" "My lemonade stand went bankrupt before I could open for business." "How did that happen?" "I spent all my money on crystal champagne glasses, then I couldnt afford lemons or sugar." "Why'd you do a foolish thing like that?" "Uncle Floyd told me to." "Honey, Uncle Floyd is a nice man, but remember, he's the reason Mommy and Daddy had to go out and find real work in 1995." "But I thought you liked dealing blackjack at the casino." "Well, the tips are good, but parking cars for eight hours straight is killing your Daddy's back." "Couldn't you get another job, Mom?" "There are no other jobs, honey. We wiped them all out. Casinos were so successful everybody quit their jobs to either work in them or gamble. Unless you drive a photo radar van, you have no choice." "Mikey calls it a winners-and-welfare society." "Little Mikey Harris should keep his fascist remarks to himself." "Mikey got all As" "That's because we standardized the provincial education system so non- creative, conservative little creeps like him could pass." "Mikey and me got a business going." "What kind of business?" "We charge all the guys at school one dollar to get into the washroom." "Good Lord! A toilet tax! Why didn't we think of that? With that and photo radar we could have them coming and going! Lord, we could have bought three rain forests and two panda-bear mating reserves." "Mikey says it's not a tax. He calls it a user fee." "This report card shows you missed 35 days of school this year. I don't remember writing 35 sick notes." "I was sick five days. The other 30 days I voluntarily did not go to school, just like Uncle Bob asked me to." "That's truancy!" "Uncle Bob calls them public service days. He says the school saves money when I'm not there." "Honey, you have to understand, as a leader with great ideas and good inten- tions, Uncle Bob was one helluva piano player." Straight From The Hip ... "Do you see him much anymore?" "Every night, in the Ace High Lounge. Sing Us A Song, You're The Piano Man.....it's so sad." "Maybe I should quit school, Mom." "Uh-oh. You've been talking to Auntie Evelyn again." "Will Grandma be coming to visit soon?" "Tommy Douglas, you're just trying to distract me from this report card. You know very well Grandma has three more years to work at Stuckey's in Fort Myers, Florida, to pay off the loan she took out for her gallstone operation. Now, what's this about you bothering Melissa Murphy again?" "Mom, all I said was: "Hi, I'm the Minister of Tourism, wanna fool around?" "Tommy Douglas..... "But Uncle Peter said..." "Never mind Uncle Peter." "Nothing happened, Mom." "That's what Uncle Peter said. Never mind all that. Now, why do the other children call you Polly?" "Mrs. Brock said I should ask you about that. Something about a lie- detector machine?" "Well, once upon a time, for the good of democracy and the party, Mummy had to tell a fib." "Like a little white lie?" "Actually, honey, this was a whopper." The William Thomas Writer's Workshop goes Sunday, Sept. 12 at Stoney Ridge Cellars, Winona. Call Lynne 905-371-0700. September 17th & 18th 11:00am to 4:00pm Admission: Adults $3.50, Seniors & Students $2.00, Children Free Scugog Shores Museum Village Presents ) This Year pd Sunday 2:00pm Celebrity Cow Milking Contest Country Harvest Lunch Special featuring homemade stew, cabbage rolls, bread and butter, & apple cider. Served all day. $5.00 Family Fun Challenge pumpkin pie Old fashioned events for a family of 5. Register by Sept.14/94, minimum Blacksmithing of 3 families. Broom Making Ple ontest & Auction 2040 Octoberfest Sausage & Corn unday only, to enter ca - \ C orn Husk Dolls Bake Sale & Farmers Market -- Old Favourites -- Freshly Pressed Apple Cider for more information call 985-3589 1 mile east of Port Perry, 1/2 mile north of 7A Hwy. on Scugog Island BRIAN"S TOWING 985-2243 * 24 hour service PORT PERRY FEEDS : 40 Vanedward Dr, BR@CK'S Port Perry 168 Queen St., Port P SHUR-GAIN ueen St., Port Perry PF 965.7365 985.2521 Brooks Feed Store Hwy. 7A West, Port Perry 985-7992 or 985-0248 @ Masterfeeds Restaurant Dow son's Water Gores Open LAKESIDE RECREATION 7 ays A 225 Platten Blvd., Scugog Island 985-9763 Year Round Service - 985-3814 Wells - Cisterns - Holding Tanks PORT CLEANERS Quality Dry Cleaning Cleaning Done on the Premises * Repairs - Alteration * Loose Rugs * Wedding Gowns * Suedes & Leathers 255 Queen St., Port Perry 985-7105 Haulage Pure Spring Water | Bird Sced, Pet Food & Supplics _