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"A Family Tradition for 128 Years" ENS ERR Tei PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, Sept. 13, 1994 - 3a I know I don't have to tell you this, but we are living in one very eerie era. | mean did you ever think you'd see a time when the baseball players were on strike and the post office wasn't? However, the threat that looms lar- gest over democracy, justice and the North American way is that so much farce is being performed in courts of law comedy clubs will soon start closing down faster than roadside shooters bars. In Albuquerque, New Mexico a wom- an sued a McDonalds restaurant because she claimed they made the cof- fee too hot and a jury awarded her $2.9 million in damages. Apparently the financial settlement would have been much higher but her lawyer failed to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt McDonald's also make French Fries way too thin. In Hamilton, Ontario a mother has filed a $2.4 million lawsuit alleging negligence by the Chedoke-McMaster Hospital because she experienced pain during childbirth. If she is successful, I see no reason why she shouldn't follow this up by suing her husband for experi- encing pleasure during conception. In Michigan a man has sued the by William Thomas I"M SUING YOU - AND YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company for false advertising because he drank their beer but unlike the pronrise they made him, he didn't get lucky with women. And the harder he tried, the sicker he got. A judge dismissed his $10,000 law- suit. Can you imagine the mentality of a man who thinks he can attract beauti- ful women by drinking Busch Beer? It's Molson Golden, stupid! As a result of these recent lawsuits I have taken unusual but not illogical step of suing you. I mean it. I, as your regular columnist, am suing you, the regular reader of this column, and may I add that, although I've enjoyed this relationship, you are an abusive, manipulative, domineering, selfish s.0.b. (Sorry, I had to get that on the record). That's right: THOMAS Versus The People. From the day we met, you have been laughing at me. That's a fact. And to my face? No, not you. Always when I'm not in the room with you. How do you think that makes me feel? | Like a damn fool, that's how it makes me feel. I'm agitated! I'm emotionally distressed! I'm a nervous wreck! "Rectum? Damn near killed him!" (See, there you go again with that dirty little sniggering at my expense). There's a woman I bump into at the local A & P store and every time she sees me she just points at me and laughs. Others in the store who don't read this column stand there and stare at me wondering what's wrong. It's got- ten so bad I now shop at A & P with my fly down so as not to arouse suspicious looks. How do you think that makes me feel? (No, drafty is not the right answer.) I feel stupid. I feel as stupid as a cop who took six years of advanced police training and now sits in an empty van beside the highway listening to a camera click in the back window. I know for a fact that some (okay, a few) of you actually clip this column and send it to other people. How do you think that makes me feel? Like a pair of unwashed, used, hand-me-down under- wear, which by the way, the manager of A & P has requested I wear while shop- ping in his store after that nasty freez- er-burn incident which is currently the subject of another lawsuit I have going against Birdseye Frozen Foods. And more than a few of you have actually telephoned my mother after reading one of my columns and asked if I'd ever been dropped on my head as a baby. Just how do you think that makes me feel? Dizzy, because it happened, which is why I'm also suing my sister Gail "Slippery Fingers" Burns for spiking me on a hardwood floor in a war-time house in 1947. Straight From The Hip ... You add it all up, and no jury in North America would deny the fact that I've been harassed, harangued, abused, abutted, emotionally distressed, men- tally depressed and publicly impugned, although I hate to keep referring back to that embarrassing scene with the fro- zen dinner. Hell, I've been traumatized. What's worse, I've been truncated which carries an even heftier price tag. At this point, even you the defendant would not need a Bible in your hand to admit that I've been mentally destabilized. No, you add it all up and it comes to either $3.4 million or $4.3 million. I haven't yet decided on the figure of higher value. So put down this newspaper and call a good lawyer because I'll be seeing you in court. You'll recognize me immediate- ly. Ill be wearing a neck brace where my shorts would normally be. And this just hot off the wire: a San Francisco jury just awarded a legal secretary $7.1 million in a sexual har- assment case. The woman was absolute- ly shocked because she had asked for only $3.5 million. So there it is. Not only am I looking for a jury, in my case against you, that's sympathetic and empathetic to really stupid and frivolous lawsuits, I want one that's not so hot at math too. In fact, just plain pathetic would do just fine. The William Thomas Writer's Workshop goes Sunday, Sept. 11 at Winona's Stoney Ridge Winery. UXBRIDGE M 7 MEMORIALS OF DISTINCTION GRANITE MARBLE IAL COMPANY BRONZE Why would anyone drive to Uxbridge to CEMETERY LETTERING & RENOVATIONS CUSTOM DESIGNING & LETTERING visit these two? Quality & Satisfaction assured by our own Written Guarantee 852-3472 PORT PERRY LATCHAM CENTRE 45 YEARS OF PERSONAL SERVICE UXBRIDGE HOME APPOINTMENTS AND FOR PERS A SCE 108 BROCK ST. 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