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"A Family Tradition for 128 Years" © PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, Sept. 27, 1994 - 3a The following advertisement, which appeared in the Sept. 15 edition of the Hamilton Spectator, is public notification of a job opening at McMaster University, whose new motto is: "Hey! there's always going to be some pain involved in childbirth!" "A Research Assistant is required to derive transgenic mice with germline mutations generated by homologous recombination. Duties will include cul- ture of embryonic stem cells, microinjec- tion of blastocyst stage embryos, mouse microsurgery, and genotyping by Southern and PCR analysis. Experience with rodents, microsurgery, embryo microinjection, tissue culture, and molec- ular biology would be an asset. Salary commensurate with experience. Please apply in writing quoting refer- ence #94/4017 to Office of Human Resources, Gilmour Hall, Room 304, McMaster University, 1280 Main St. W,, Hamilton, Ontario, L8S 4L8 or Fax (905) 528-6132." This ad was sent to me by a reader who signed herself simply "HUH?" I'm sure your first reaction to this was the same as mine: "Boy, theres a lot of that going around. The first time I scanned this ad, I mis- read the word derive. I thought the word was drive. I thought to myself, gee, I by William Thomas MIGHTY MOUSE - COMING TO A LAB NEAR YOU could do this job. I could drive transgenic mice with germline mutations generated by homologous recombination as long as they didn't get any on the seats and they gave me some indication of where they wanted to go. I have no idea what a homologous recombination is but somehow I'm not surprised to learn that it's causing germ- line mutations. In fact, I think I read somewhere that homologous recombina- tion is now the leading cause of poor pos- ture in young mice. Mouse microsurgery is about the only thing in this ad I understand. Science and research labs required a lot of live mice for experimentation and large number of them, having run rapidly down tiny holes to avoid the harvesting process, now require arthroscopic sur- gery on their knees. I've had both my knees scoped. Don't worry, they'll all be up and around with the help of tiny little canes the day after the surgery. Salary commensurate with experi- ence??? How many people do you know that would have extensive experience in this particular field and are not already locked up? N I suppose when you do find an experi- enced candidate, you first determine if any of his closest friends and relatives are presently not residing in his down- stairs freezer and if they're not -- he gets the job. And he gets a lot of money because there would not be many people in the Hamilton area - or the planet, in general, who have spent this amount of quality time with mice. So who might the lucky job applicant be? I have no idea. But I can tell you it's definitely not one of those ladies who, when she sees a mouse, jumps onto the nearest chair and screams: "Eeeeeeceeceeeek!" Compared to all the rest of things in the ad, the fact that a rodent person was being sought by the department of human resources almost made sense. So I called Andy Fletch, a veterinarian and director at McMaster University, and he patiently explained to me that they were just trying to hire a research person to conduct simple transgenic DNA blastocystic microbiohomogermop- ticholastrophicsymbioticoatbran tests on mice. Hey, why the hell didn't they say that in the first place? Andy, a very nice man who could be mistaken for Mr. Rogers if Mr. Rogers' neighborhood were overrun with dissect- ed frogs, mentioned something about cancer research but I'm no fool. I know what's really going on here. McMaster University is years, maybe only months away from producing the world's first live Mighty Mouse. Think about it -- Disney is trying to put a salary cap on all their animators. Rather than get into a long and bitter drawers strike, they pay an out-of-coun- try university a lot of money to geneti- cally create real live cartoon characters like Mighty Mouse, Porky Pig, Goofy and Straight From The Hip ... Roseanne Arnold. Oh yeah, it's a Disney- produced CIA-directed plot. They're going to produce living, breathing ani- mated animals that will be able to do their own stunts. I should have sensed it earlier when I called McMaster's human resources department and the receptionist had to tell all the office staff to keep the noise down. In the background they were all singing "M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E." What harm can a flying mouse do, you ask, even one that can stop trains and throw dynamite charges into outer space? Well probably none. But someday when Tony the Tiger jumps off the side of the cereal box and rips the hand- woven horsehair scalp off your dozing husband right there at the breakfast table, remember I warned you. On the other hand, if I'm wrong, and they just want somebody to stimulate and manipulate the behavior patterns of laboratory mice -- my cat Weggie is pre- sently out of work. If they want to see ordinary mice leap tall buildings in a single bound without performance- enhancing drugs, lock Weggie in the lab overnight. Andy Fletch took great care to slowly explain to me the intricacies of DNA reproduction, mutations from one pair of mice to the off-spring and biological familiar regeneration. But Andy, I'm not totally stupid, eh. In fact I've read quite a bit about genital research. I think what McMaster needs is anoth- er ad above the ad for the research assis- tant, the next time it runs: "Wanted, one English teacher with basic knowledge of the language to explain the ad below." AJ AVA HON) IY NN OPPORTUNITY PRESENTATION J 5 VAN LY FAV SO ONIN NNT © * HAS NO RISK * REQUIRES NO INVENTORY AND * 100% GUARANTEED (MONEY BACK) October 5,12, 19 & 26 985-8937 | elerin le) MASONIC HALL Queen Street, | 30) oy 0 3% I STS VDILTIANYI(OAY /:00 p.m. Call one of the familiar names for your iickets