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B2 - PORT PERRY STAR - Wednesday, Oct. 12, 1994 "Scugog's Community Newspaper of Choice" I have new and profound respect for our Canada Customs inspectors. I spoke to one, then another and after canvass- ing four border entry points I have com- piled a series of exchanges experienced by our front-line inspectors. Nine out of ten people coming into this country give the officers the information and respect they expect and deserve. It's the one-in- ten that has our border patrol people bit- ing their fingernails right down to the knuckles. These are actual questions, answers and exchanges told to me by customs officials who'd rather sit on traffic cones than have their names appear in this column. Officer: "And the purpose of your visit to Canada is pleasure?" American man, immediately and straight faced: "Oh, no, I'm on my way to visit my mother-in-law." And then they get a variety of cool answers from the after-hours inebriated crowd. Officer: "Where do you live?" Young tongue-thickened man: "Fishhook." Officer: "Fishhook!" Kid: "Yeah, Fishhook, it's at the end of the line stupid!" by William Thomas CANADA CUSTOMS - THE BORDER CIRCUS Officer: "Okay, pull over." And lest you think it's only Americans coming into Canada that drive customs people nuts, well... Officer: "What's the length of your resi- dency in Canada?" Returning Canadian: "Not too big, maybe 30-feet by 40." An exchange at Windsor's Ambassador Bridge. Inspector: "What are you bringing into Canada?" Oriental man: "Some poo." Inspector: "Some poo?" Driver: "Yes, some poo!" Inspector: "And that's for fertilizer?" Driver: "No, it's for washing hair." Also, from Windsor way, the tunnel this time -- a man explaining why the floor of this car was covered with mari- juana seeds told a customs officer: "I had the windows down and they blew in from the expressway." A man found with several hunks of hash in his underwear at a Niagara Falls bridge told the lady at customs: "I don't know how they got there, these aren't even my underwear!" Customs officers field a lot of questions from tourists coming into our country. Lady: "Excuse me but are you a Canadian?" Officer: "Yes." Lady: "No, I mean a Royal Canadian?" (Answer he wished he could give: "Yeah, maybe you saw my picture in the paper. I was sucking Sarah Ferguson's toes.") Officer: "How long will you be in Canada?" American man: "Just a couple of hours. Say, we're just going to drive around the Gaspe Peninsula. You couldn't recommend a good restaurant where we could stop for lunch, could you? (Wished for answer: "Yeah, the Lobster Pot in Halifax. At the rate you drive, it's only five minutes out of your way.") Tourist: "Does Ottawa have a capital?" (Answer: "Yes, and if it's the Ottawa River you capitalize both the O and the R) Many ask about the confusion over miles and kilometers, some get right to the point.... American: "How fast do your speed cops go?" (Answer: "If they have the automatic speed wind on the camera, they can do 200 clicks a minute.") Tourist: "How much liquor can I drink in Ontario?" (Answer: "All you want if you're a millionaire.") And the old favorite: "Would you please speak a little Canadian, the kids would get such a kick out of it?" Customs officials also get a lot of ques- tions over the phone. Straight From The Hip Believe it or not, one of the most com- mon is: "What is the most satisfactory method of smuggling goods across the border?" (Hey, you might as well give it a shot!) Question: "If I bring my dog into Canada, do I need a birth certificate for him?' (Answer: "Heck no, a driver's license and two pieces of photo I.D. are fine.") Question: "When may I be sure that the customs officials aré not on duty at the border?" (Answer: "July 1, Canada Day, we close the whole damn country down.") Do customs authorities meet some strange characters in their line of duty? Well that depends on your definition of strange. King Edward VI driving up in the mid- dle of the afternoon? Bucknaked? A 200- pound, 4' high GoGo dancer named Twiggy? Saint Peter on a freezing night in January wearing only a robe and car- rying a bed roll? (They turned him back when they found the loaded .45 in the bed roll). A woman who showed up con- stantly claiming to be Pierre Elliot Trudeau's date, asking directions to his house? (They turned her back. She'd only have to wait in line at his house, too). Strange? Constantly they had a wom- an show up at a Niagara Falls bridge claiming Brian Mulroney was the agent of Satan and she was going to Ottawa to do God's work. Oh sure, back then she was nutcase. Today she'd be a visionary. Thank you customs people. No one knows the trouble you've seen. VA WA WAL We We Pay v; TOWN HALL 1873 Presents THE FIRST OF FOUR CONCERTS VOICES RELYEA The Relyea Family in a VICTORIAN EVENING OF SONG Saturday, October 15th, 1994 -- 8:00pm Tickets available at Irwin Smith's or at the door $20 each SEASON TICKET $65 FURNITURE REFINISHING & ANTIQUE RESTORATION CUSTOM FURNITURE & CABINETRY DEREK MAW & SON - BROOKLIN - 655-3683 U JOINT INSPECTION $79. 95 ps, (Mercruiser, OMC Cobra, Volvo 0 Penta) Foss memme=--= Why pay more mortgage interest because you are selfemployed! Asa mortgage broker I have access to mortgage lenders that are a little more flexible than the banks and trust companies. And this doesn't necessarily mean you pay more! I can often obtain mortgages for persons who are self-employed, at terms and rates better than the competition! Ken Reinhardt Professional Mortgage Brokers Inc. 985-4029 1-800-363-1396 204 Casimir Street, Port Perry "Securing Your Best Interest" ~ ATTENTION ~ Service Clubs & Organizations, Church, Youth and School Groups... You are invited to participate in this year's Scugog Chamber of Commerce... Christmas In Wonderland SANTA (AUS PARADE to be held \' SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26th This year's Chamber of Commerce Santa Claus Parade is being organized RIGHT NOW! And we need you to contact us regarding your participation in this event for the children. For more information and float registration, please contact SCUGOG CHAMBER OF COMMERCE 985-7671 OR ALISSA SMITH 985-2635. REGISTER EARLY! FOEEEOOEEEEOE at 2:00 P.M. 33888388 EEBEEE