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FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2000 - 2§ Lindsay Monuments Make your selection now and relieve your family of the emotional and financial 85 Kent Street West, Lindsay (705) 324-1779 Manager Donna Blakely 1-888-486-3472 UXBRIDGE MEMORIAL COMPANY © (Cemetery Lettering & Renovations © Custom Designing & Lettering © Quality & Satisfaction assured by our own written guarantee "Memorials of Distinction" Visit our Showroom Home Appointments on Request 852-3472 RES: 705-228-1046 108 BROCK ST. W., UXBRIDGE DAVID & LORI TOMKINSON People often ask: "Why aren't there more men in bereavement support groups?" | often hear a woman complain: "My hus- band won't talk to me about our daughter's death!" If you are a man, you may resent these generalities. To say that all men don't express their feelings or talk about them is as inac- curate as it is to say that all women are comfortable expressing their feelings. There are, however, some ways in which men and women deal differently with loss. Why is that? A lot has to do with how men are socialized or "brought up." As a man, you may remember your par- ents telling you to "stop crying, because big boys don't cry™ You may have painful memories of other children laughing at you and calling you "sissy" if you were crying. This social- ization of boys leads to many expectations of them when they grow up. Men are expected to be in control of situations and to show confidence while looking after others. Men are thought to be more con- cerned with thinking than with feeling. A man is expected to be the coura- geous one, the one who will figure out how to get through a difficult time and to lead others through it. Men are seen as the one who can bear the pain with- out giving in to it. Both men and women are affected by our cultural avoidance of death and grief, but this avoidance MYLES G. O'RIORDAN FUNERAL DIRECTOR/OWNER RES. 905-985-0608 WAGG FUNERAL HOME | ) MD ermott-Panabaken Chapel 216 Queen Street, Port Perry Tel: (905) 985-2171 email: wagg.fh@sympatico.ca * Pre- Arrangements and Cremation Information * Traditional & Non Traditional Services » Complimentary Main Floor Reception Facilities Available for after Service Lunches THOVGHT FUNERAL PLANNING v Maks it easier for those you love has a different effect on the two sexes. A woman gener- ally has an easier time in dealing with death. She probably has a system of support in place in which intimacy is the key word. Think of it for a moment. At the time of a death, it is usually the women who plan what the person who has died will wear for burial, the women who order the flowers, the women who plan, prepare and carry out the reception afterwards. The men in the family often continue to work as long as possible before the funeral. They miss out on much of the "work" that helps the women begin the grieving process. How do some men respond to a death? lI. Remain silent. A man will often withdraw and not talk about how he is feeling. 2. Engage in solitary mourn- ing or "secret" grief. He may not tell fellow employees or neighbours for fear of revealing his feelings and appearing vulnerable. 3. Take physical and legal action. Often a man will say after an accident, "I'm going to sue!" Others may become involved in orga- nizations that will work towards eliminating the cause of their loved one's death. Frequently men hide their sorrow in anger. 4. Deal with their loss intel- fd? with the unfortunate loss of loved ones lectually. A man will often spend a lot of time trying to understand how the death occurred and what impact it will have on him. He will translate raw emo- tion into a rational, but often detached processes of determining what, if any, changes he needs to make to his life. Helpful hints for a man who is grieving I. This may be one of the most painful times of your life. You may experience emo- tions you have never rec- ognized before. These emotions may be more intense than you have ever known. Allow yourself the privilege of expressing your feelings. You don't have to be "brave." 2. Participate in planning the funeral if it is a family mem- ber who has died. The choice of clothing for the deceased, ordering of flow- ers or memorials and plan- ning the service are activi- ties that will give you an opportunity to express your feelings about the one who has died. 3. Don't short-cut the funeral itself. Attendance and par- ticipation in the funeral is an important step in begin- ning to deal with the reality of the loss. 4. Learn about grief. What will you experience? How long will it take to recover? How can you help yourself? % Memorial Chapel ® PERSONAL ATTENTION PROFESSIONAL CARE PRENEED PLANNING e TRADITIONAL SERVICES OR LOW COST FUNERAL ALTERNATIVES Richard Barnes, Director 79 Baldwin Street, Brooklin (905) 655-3662 Eo How can others help you? The grieving process has the potential of being a time of personal growth and discovery. 5. Men tend to be task ori- ented You and other men in the family could look after an appropriate memorial for the person who has died. This could be a dona- tion to the university the person attended or any organization that was of special interest to the deceased. It may involve planting a tree to commem- orate the life that was lived. 6. Explore the possibility of a support group. Asking for help is not a sign of weak- ness but of self-awareness. The number of men attend- ing support groups is on the increase. Meeting with the group leader before the group begins will give you a good sense of what is expected of you and what you can expect. 7. Above all, look after your- self. Regular exercise, prop- er nutrition and sleep are important. This is a time for you to reflect on life, to re-evaluate and recreate your life. Take time. Don't be impatient with yourself or the process. Itis atime to explore your spirituality. Listen to your heart. In time you will live and laugh again. ~ Genesis Bereavement Resources Wagg Funeral Home Changes to the Cemeteries Act As of April 1, 1992, the new Cemeteries Act provides several new laws to protect con- sumers from unscrupu- lous practices in the sale of memorials. Uninvited door-to- door or telephone solic- itation for the purpose of selling cemetery memorials is illegal in Ontario. =~ . - Companies may send you literature, but they cannot call or visit you unless you contact them first. i Report any infraction to The A Cemeteries