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. . . . " n ' ••% mm. V tBE SEPtEMBKB GAttfc BT O. W. R0X.MK8. . . . /; I'M not a chicken; I have seen Full many a chill September, Jufal thoiigti I was a youngster 0u% ' That gale I well remember; The day before my kite-string mapped. And I my kite pursuing, Tte wind whisked off wy pafin-fefC hat, War me two ntorma were brewing. • SsW. •:f I' XI oame «n quarrels soms&ses doj • '••• ^ • ™r<ed folk" «* There was a heavy sigh or two, /^T.: Before the fire was flashing, ' A. little stir among the clouds :! €i* Before they rent asunder, A little rocking of the trees. And then camc on the thunder. | Ijord! how the ponds and rivers boiled. And how the shingles rattled! And oaks were scattered on the ground As if the Titans battled; .' tfe" Aad all above was in a howl, And all below a olatter, The oftrUi '«ss li&c a fryinMM, Or some such biasing matter. • chanced to be our washing day, And all our things were drying The storm oame roaring through And set them all a flying. X aaw the shirts and petticoats <3o riding off like witchw; I lost - ah! bitterly I wept-- 1 lost my Sunday breed**! X Ww them straddling through • Alas! too late to win them; I ww them chase the clouds, as if The devil had been in them. ' Tfcey were my darlings and my plids, My boyhood's only riches; Farewell, farewell," I faintly cried, ** My breeches! Oh, my breeches I** Thai night T saw them In my dreams, How Strang? from what I knew them; The dews had steeped their faded threads, The winds had whistled through them. I ww the wide and ghastly rents, Where demon claws had torn it. A hole was in their amplest parts, " As if an imp had worn them. I have had many happy year*, And tailors kind and clever. But those young pantaloons have Forever and forever. And not till time has cut the last Of all my earthly stitches. This aching heart shall cease to My loved, my long-lost breeches. NELLIE DARE'S LOTS. Jft was a March morning, and ret the was aa blue as in Jane. Manfred . l«owth stood on Wilson's hill, looking down upon the city. It gleamed white and beautiful from the plains, and the kills, green with their coveri.Bg of pine forests, rose still and stately beyond. Hfce " dull-gray meadows " within sight had peaks of snow upon them, and the k breeze brought the atmosphere of snow tram the mountains, though the sunshine . ipll so bright. -, * Manfred Lowth stood with his arms •fblstel across his breast, and his tall, {lowerful figure outlined against the «lear sky. As he stood thus, still and aeaolute in his solitude, with his ab­ sorbed, masterful eyes, and a face of Spartan firmness, he looked every inch a long. It was his 35th birthday. There jpmj have been something sad in the #iought to him, for he was utterly alone •fc. life, and the circumstances which give • sense of airy freedom at 30, bring a feeling of desolation at 60. Possibly HEmfred Lowth thought of this as he liaiied his birthday morn, and thought 1K>W much of his life had gone. Not -mat there were any signs of advancing <«ge in his vigorous figure and abundant dark hair. As he suddenly placed one hand upon the stone wall before him and leaped lightly over he displayed a vig- - -otoos agility of exceeding grace, and his iflfcep, as he walked rapidly down the bill, had the buoyant elasticity of youth and Tiope. If his thoughts had been grave, they were so no longer. He went down _ . A hill whistling cheerily. i j" = There was a long road of yellow clay . Jj|{tretching before him to the city, patches ! "mi bare scrub oaks at either side. In one ^laoe the road went over a slight eleva- ; %kms fit the commencement of which a •pace beyond was concealed by the hill, and just here Manfred Lowth ceased J; ;. whistling, and began searching his pock- T ete eagerly. He laughed merrily as he Inally brought forth from the breast pocket of his inner coat a little white "worsted mitten. This is how he oame <t»y it: , J > ; The morning before he had been go- over that very hill, but not whistling •Ms then. Beaching the top, he looked 4own upon a little figure seated upon a •tone by a lonely roadside, where hard- t ~ house was in sight, It was a per- i »«£ picture. The girl wore a dress of CMiPon merino, and a pretty, snowy hood, which was pushed back from her aoee of a f ice, over the sweet, low fore- of which little tresses of golden ! i Jtair were blowing in the mild March ;. "Wind. She was altogether too intensely ^occupied to put back her hair, curiously ,r **ocupied, too. She had pulled her stocking and shoe from her left foot, and intently examining the small sole of file white worsted stocking, while the ;; mie. bare, snowy foot rested unnoticed u, the frozen ground. % M a n f r e d L o w t h r e c o g n i z e d N e l l i e V Dare, and thought she must be crazy. "What in the world was the child doing ? Suddenly a quick smile flashed over -» ^Nellie's face, her cheek dimpled, she #<< back her hair, and looked up and n isaw the watcher on the hill. The stock- 1*. tug was turned and slipped OH in a flash, I;little boot put on (Manfred Lowth •' .'.y88 BWC.e ^ wa8.only half put on, by the w *' ffcracka it made in a patch of snow near %y), and Nellie Dare sprung into the • ; Jero88-road, and hurried out of sight. ^Arriving at the place, Lowth pick up the • 'Hittte white mitten. He put two fingers Ui jiinfco it--walking on looking at it, and .^/writing. Such a dainty little thing-- «jy,*and then Nellie had looked so pretty and ^iMlfidghtened. But why had she uncovered tit. flier foot and examined her stocking by Kwfifhe roadside? Surely there were no i /thorns or thistles about at that time of - ':?6keyear. When he came to the cross-road by flie pines he hesitated, and finally struck f11 into it. Then he put the mitten back Into his pocket, buttoned his coat, and walked faster. ' . Nellie Dare's home was on the Auburn ' rvcoad; a little white cottage with bare v \. lilacs and rose vines clinging about it - " Hie loveliest place around in the summer time. Now there was a face prettier \ , than any rose at one of the windows, and Manfred Lowth looked up and bowed 'to it •>-- Nellie's fresh young blood flooded her heart as she caught sight of the face Mrhioh personified all her girlish, ideal dreams. She dropped her book and rose ' * ** trembling as Manfred Lowth entered the ,,]i»otai. He looked with laughing eyes into the prettiest flushing face as he took Iter hands. " Miss Nellie, I hare called out of the i |purest curiosity to know why you have taken to the fashion of the chick-a-dee- idees, and £o barefoot in snowy weath­ er ?" he said, after a moment, 5 " Oh, Mr. Lowth !" ? " Well, Miss Nellie ?" :f ̂ ̂ i ."I was trying a triok." Mr. Lowth looked mystifleli - " That of the first robin," said Nellie, very much ashamed to show her child­ ishness to her companion, yet half kmused at Lowth's expression. " Did you expect to find him in your etooking ?" " No. Oh, Mr. Lowth, didn't yon .ever hear the old saying--" 44 Well, Nellie " That when you heard the first robin of spring singing, if you had pulled the stocking from your left foot, you would jflnd on the inside of the sole--" " " What ?" " A hair like thai of the person's you lan going to marry." "You ridiculous child ! " Nellie's face was burning hot at her 'oolishness, but she could not help aughing at Lowth's evident apprecia­ tion of it, and his thorough astonish­ ment. " Mellie} I'll buy you » rattle the next time I go into town!" Nellie pouted. ^ " Well, did you find the ha&r?" i: "Tes, sir." " Was it like mine ? " tossing back the loose masses of dark-brown hair. A little quivering smile spoiled Nel­ lie's pout. 44 The rest is a secret." 44 Then you don't intend to tell whose the hair was like ? " 44 No, I shall not tell." "May I guess?" 441 can't help your guessing, sir." 44 Was it like Ned Howland's am­ brosial locks, little Dignity ? " "I haven't promised to tell if you guess." "So you haven't! Then I shall not waste my time guessing. But tell me one thing." 44 What is that?" 44 If you have faith in the tricks." 44 Utter faith," Nellie said, amiKwg and shaking her head. "Then I wish--I do wish that the hair may be like mine." Manfred Lowth spoke with no rail­ lery, yet he hardly knew why he spoke as he did. Nellie Dare tamed pale as a lily. There was a moment of swift thought in both their minds. Manfred Lowth had committed him­ self ; as an honorable man he had com­ mitted himself. He had no right to say such a thing in such a tone, unless he meant what he said. So he stood, half* condemned, looking down at Nellie's sweet, agitated faoe. She was lovely. As he knew her, she was a sweet, innocent, affectionate girl; but the thought of marrying her never entered his head until that moment. His ideal was older, graver, as one to understand him thoroughly must have been. He fancied a face of more power, deeper eyes, and a stronger effect; but. if he read aright the eyes and lips be­ fore him, their meaning was very sweet and thrilling. Nellie blushed with distress under his eyes. He searched her faoe resolutely. Such a face had deceived him once, when he was a mere boy, and loved with his passionate first love. He dropped,, her hands at last, and stepped back. M Are you going to school this sum- < mer ?" he asked, plucking a dry leaf from. ^Fhe^went^S^^w^effiimg^roMa and took their places side by side. Ex­ actly opposite Nellie sat Manfred Lowth, mixing lobster salad, and chatting softly and guyly with Mrs. Vernon, from New York. At Nellie's right side sat Ned Howland, her old beau from Man­ chester. Lowth looked up and bowed to her. She returned the salutation, then turned to Ned Rowland. Perhaps for an hour she flirted--never afterward. After dinner she went to her room, bathed her head, which ached horribly, then joined her aunt in the parlor. There was Manfred Lowth, who stood at her side a moment and ex­ changed a few words with her, then sauntered away. But Ned Howland bent over her chair all the afternoon. At night she went to bed feverish and ill. A week passed Nellie became aware that Ned Howland loved her. He was a good-hearted, good-looking, but rather effeminate young man; handsome and very winning, however, and a year be­ fore Nellie might have loved him, but, truly loving Lowth as she did, the thing was impossible. She finally told him, frankly and kindly, that she did not love And in a geranium on the window- sill 44 Yes. I graduate in July." 44 Oh, yes ; I had forgotten. July comes your birthday ?" 44 Yes; I am 18 in July." She was womanly for her age after all. If he could only be sure that she was not as light-hearted as she was fair! But that pretty way of tossing back her curls was Bessie Bradford's own. He did not wish to be fooled twice by the same style ; so he chatted about the school exhibition, the closing of the li­ brary, and the military review in April, and finally took his leave. 44 He tmnks me only a child, and I love him so," she murmured, sobbing bitterly. 441 hate my baby faoe! And he always finds me doing some childish thing. I wish I was dead." She cried herself nearly ill, but es­ caped undetected to her room when her brother came in. The next day she heard that Manfred Lowth had gone to New York. The bpring wore on. Nellie Dare grew pale and grave. Her mother be­ came anxious. Nellie was surely study­ ing too hard; she never could bear the excitement oi the exhibition. So Nellie wast:.ken almost by force from school, and sent to Nahant. Nahant's sea breeze had no effect. Nellie's chape rone, Mrs. Bertram, of Boston, recommended tonics and bath­ ing, drives and flirting, and did her best to have her prescription carried into effect; but Nellie endured everything listlessly, and finally begged, in answer to her aunt's expostulations, to be let entirely alone. She should do better so. Mrs. Bertram gave up in despair, and Nellie read and dreamed in solitude, or sat idly on the rock watching the sea. The wild wind browned her face and blew very faint roses in her cheeks, but days and weeks crept by, while Mrs. Bertram bemoaned that Nellie never would be like the other girls. One morning a fishing party came to the hotel. They were entered upon the books as 44 Manfred Lowth, of Boston;" " Edward Howlandjfof Manchester, New Hampshire," etc. 44 Nellie, my dear, do hurnr! Mr. Lowth is here, from Boston--the finest man ! Well off, well connected, gentle­ manly, and of excellent character. You can never expect to make a very brilliant match, having no expectations yourself. I consider this just the thing for you. Now, Nellie, if you only will have your wits about you, instead of being so in­ different to everything, I shall be thank­ ful. Why, there is no answering what that pretty face of yours might do, if you would only see your chances! Terry Holmes declares you the prettiest girl here, and his father is a millionaire. Just think of it, Nellie! Nellie, strangely pale, with her back to her aunt, turned Macassa upon her handkerchief, saying, chokingly: 44 What Mr. Lowth, simfcie ? 44 Manfred Lowth. He's a shipper from Boston. Belongs in my set." Nellie found another handkerchief, gave a defiant glance at her pale face in the mirror, and turned to her aunt. 441 am ready." They were sitting on the rocks at twi­ light 44 You used to like me, Nellie," said Howland, his lips growing r jpale under his pretty mustache. : 441 like you now, Ned." ; i '* But I think you used to love me--a little, Nellie." She clasped her hands nervously. 44 That was not love, Ned--oh! it was nothing like love! Don't talk to me any more, please. I am sorry you are grieved, but I can't help it. Don't blame me, and be kind to me. I have my own troubles to bear." He got up and went down the rocks. She did not know whether he was of­ fended or not, and, suffering from a keen sense of her sorrows, she hardly cared. She knew he would be in love with some one else within a week. There were bitter tears in her eyes as she looked over the ocean. Sud­ denly a firm hand was laid on her shoulder. 44 Nellie, how do you know so well what love is ?" She turned her head and looked into Manfred Lowth's grave faoe. "Because I have reason to know,'/«he answered, passionately. 44 Nellie, Nellie," he *aid,"I loveyou. Will you answer me as you did How­ land?*' "No." 44 Why?" 44 Because I love you." She was in a passion of tears, sob­ bing as if her heart was broken. 44 Nellie, little pet, what are you cry­ ing in this way for ?" 44 All this time--" she began. 44 All this time," he interrupted, 441 have been waiting to see if you really loved me. If you really loved, I knew that you ought to love me even though I was indifferent to you. I left you, and you did not forget me, but lost your roses, and turned pale when we met Your words to Ned Howland which I overheard, proved what a true-hearted little girl you are, and, if I promise to devote the rest of my life to your happi­ ness, will you forgive me for causing you this pain ?" Nellie expressed her forgiveness very concisely and sweetly, and Mrs. Ber­ tram's heart was made glad by the an­ nouncement of her niece's engagement to Mr. Manfred Lowth. I think it was on their wedding day that Nellie showed Manfred Lowth a shining brown hair, careiuily preserved, which she had found in her stocking that March morning, and it was very like Mr. Lowth's own. So much for the sign of the first robin. A Heroic Dog. The following is the record of a brave dog that lately perished : In 1862 a man •frith delirium tremens jumped overboard from the schooner Hero, on a voyage to Labrador. The dog bounded over the taffrail, and for half an hour held to the man with his teeth fastened in the collar of his woolen shirt The delay was oc­ casioned by the capsizing of the first boat that was lowered. In 1864 the,dog saved a baby that had fallen through a sewer-hole in a wharf at Catalina, N. F. He jumped through the hole and was too large to swim between the posts of the wharf, but he held the baby's hepd out of the water and swam briskly in every direction in search of an opening. In 1869 he saved the life of a Swedish sai|oi, who, while drunk, walked into the land-wash at Bonavista, N. F. Be­ tween 1870 and 1873 Billy saved three children and one grown boy. Thence­ forth his strength failed, and all his fangs fell out one by one, until last win­ ter he had not one left He was a huge, genuine Newfoundland. A Prospective Millionaire. 441 have no occasion to work," said an individual when called up in a San Fran­ cisco Police Court to plead to a charge of vagrancy. 44 The question is, are you guilty or not guilty ?" asked the Clerk. 441 said I've no occasion to work," said the accused, 441 have mining stocks, and when they go up IH be a million­ aire. Why, look here," continued the prisoner, reading from a scrap of paper he took from his pocket, 44 I've got five shares of Belmont, ten of Bock Island, five of Wells Fargo, five of Leviathan, five of Monumental, and five of Venture. Them's thirty-five shares of stock, and I tell you, Judge, when there's a boom­ ing market I'll be rich." A stock sharp figured up the value of the stock enu­ merated and found that at highest rates the defendant could realize $10.30, pro­ viding the market did not 4' drop " on him before he could sell. Youthful Depravity. A horrible case of cruelty has just come to light which occurred three days ago. Two boys who lived on the War­ saw pike bathed the left leg of a com­ panion, Willie Lindsey, in gasoline, and then deliberately set fire to it. The leg of the victim was literally roasted to a crisp, and the boy suffered agonies too great to be described. One of the per­ secutors was a lighter of the gasoline lamps on that road, and he used for his devilish «urpose the gasoline with which he was filling lamps. The boy will not die. His tormentors are still at large.-- Cincinnati Time*. TUB UNTUTORED RED MAS. An Account oi the Final Conference with the Sioux Delegation at Washington. The Indians wore citizens' dress. President Hayes remarked that he was ready to hear what further his friends had to say. Spotted Tail took a seat at his side, and informed the President that he had decided to have his agency on Wounded Knee oreeV( and he want­ ed bis provisions wad clothing sent there. He wanted his great father to agree to this. 44 We don't want to move just now. We want some time to sell what property we have at our present homes. We will move in the spring or at any time after that We want our provis­ ions moved to the agency that 1 have named. You told us that your nation increases. We want to increase, too, in property and ia numbers. You s&id you wished us to live like white men, and so we are here to-day dressed in white men's clothes. I want the kind of cat­ tle the white men have--short-horns. I want everything in writing before I go home, so that there be no mistake. We want teachers erf English. We want Catholic priests to teach us. We should HVA griat-mills, and agricultural implements, and seeds. We want five or six stores; then we could bny cheap­ er at one than at another. I am very well dressed, and so are the others. They want $10 apiece to buy things for their women and children; and they would like to have a trunk apiece to carry their clothing in. As the weather is getting to be a little cold, we should like to have an overcoat apiece. We see you wear­ ing overcoats, and we should like to have them.1' Bed Cloud next spoke. He said he had roamed the country where he now lived for fifty-six years, and should like to save his agency at White Clay creek; that ground he could not give up. If they should be sent to the Missouri river, the long-tailed rats there would 'get into the boxes and destroy them. 44 If you were in our country, and looked at our people, water would come to your ejes. I am poorer than any of them. Army officers took my horses, and other horses have been stolen from me and my crops destroyed. The injury is at least $10,000. I want half of this in money, and the remainder in other things." The President then addressed the In­ dians as follows : 44 MY FRIENDS : I am glad to see you this morning. I am glad to see you dressed like white people. You look well in your clothes--like white people. It shows that you wish to live like yvhite people. I have not much to say about the business that brought you here, in addition to what I said to you last week. You have spoken about the places where you wish to have your agencies. I am glad you would be satisfied to have agencies on reservations allotted to you, but, as I told you, it is too late in the season to change your agencies. It is too late to remove your supplies to the places you have named. The winter will soon come on, the streams be frozen up, and therefore no movement of supplies can be made. We wish you to help your people to remove near to the supplies, and Gen. Crook will assist you to do so. Next spring places can be selected near White river that will suit you ; and now, as to the things that you have asked for. You want trunks, overcoats, and money. The great council of my nation has put money and property for you in charge of the Secretary of the Interior. He can give you whatever the great council has authorized him to give you, and I think he can satisfy you. This is the end of our grand council. I am glad you came. Let me advise you to move as near the supplies as you can, and next spring you can go to your reserva­ tion. I am glad you are satisfied with White river. I hope you will all reach your homes safely and in good health. Before you go, the Secretary will give you as many of the things you have asked for as he can, and now I will be glad to shake hands with each one of you, and wish you well." The Indians then shook hands with the President and Seoretary of the In­ terior, and appeared satisfied with the remarks of the President A Perambulating Printing Office. The Virginia (Nev.) Enterprise says: 44 Some printers of this city are contem­ plating the fitting up of a small printing office which can bo moved from place to place on wheels, as are the traveling photograph galleries. They intend mak­ ing their start in California, and will travel through the small towns where iheve are no papers published and no printing offices. Once they are anchored in a town, they will send their 4devil' flying about the place with all the latest news of the neighborhood and the ad­ vertisements of the business men. They will print cards, bill-heads, circulars, and all else required, and when they have supplied the wants of a town in the print­ ing line they will give some ranchman or lively-stable keeper a big puff and an acrostic on the name of his favorite daughter to hitch to their office and to haul them to the next town, where the devil will again be set flying about, and where the 4 bugle blast of freedom' will again be heard. Thus they will go from town to town, remaining from a week to a month or two in a place, making money and friends wherever they go, and hav­ ing a jolly good time at all the balls, fmrties, weddings and funerals. Their ittle paper will be called the Portal Card* How to Achieve Greatness. Do yon ever reflect upon the fact that a man's name often has much to do with his claim to fame and immortality ? No man with a comic name ever achieved greatness. How, for instence, could Moses ever have been respected by the Israelites if his name had been Mortimer J. Byng ? Or how would Pharaoh have supported real dignity with such a title as Joe McClafferty? Imagine Ciesar laboring under the name of Lemuel S. Toombs, or Hannibal signing himself B. Tomlinsen Pugh. They would have died first. Clecpatra would not have been loved by Antony had her clothes been marked Amelia Duffy, and if Joan of Arc had been baptized Matilda O. Melloy, probably we should never have heard of her. Napoleon reached a throne only because liis parents persisted in not cull­ ing him William Henry Jonson, and Mary Queen of Scots escaped oblivion because she did not appear in the direc- i tory as Mary Jane Bumgardner. And so if Shakspeaie had been known as Sam I Macilhenny, or Calvin as Washington T. Smooth, both would have sunk into forgotten graves. These things are sug­ gestive to parents who want their chil­ dren to achieve greatness.--Philadel­ phia Bulletin. ,, THE NATIONAL TREASURY. Its Condition on Oet. 1, 1870, and Oct. 1, 1877. , Secretary Sherman has begun the pub­ lication of a useful supplement to the monthly debt statement in the shape of a comparison of the condition of the treasury at the date of each statement with that a year before. The condition of the treasury on Oct 1, 1877, com­ pares with that of Oct 1,1876, as fol­ lows : 1877. $14^00,417 8,838, lows Balancet. Currency Special fund for the re-* deiupiiort of frac­ tional currency Special deposit of legal tenders for redemp­ tion of certificate* of deposit Coin. ^ Coin certificates Coin, less coin certifi­ cates Outstanding called bonds... Cther otttetanding coin liabilities Outstanding legal ten­ ders Outstanding fractional currency.,.. Outstanding silver coin Total debt, less cash in treasury... Seduction of debt for September Reduction of .debt since July 1... Market value of gold.. Imports (12 months ending Aug. 31) Exports (13 months ending Aug. 31) 1876. 113,534,940 34,530,000 64,691,134 29,777,900 84,818,234 1,907,600 27,130,118 808,494,740 29,858,415 19,706,OSS 2,093,386,575 2,915,965 7,172,769 110 08,110,000 119,153.043 *7,997,500 SI,164,848 18,558,150 27,130,597 808,914,982 18,786,642 85,591,276 3,051,687,254 8,882,524 8*670,968 109 465,521,645 523,908,948 441,186,100 472,169,273 The recovery of our foreign trade is shown in the increase of the imports and exports, and the former will add direct­ ly in the accumulation of gold by the treasury. The gold premium has dropped during the year from 110* to 103. The reduction of the debt has prooeeded much more rapidly this year than last as a result, the debt is now but $2,051,587,264.87, against $2,092,266,575.70 a year ago. The out­ standing silver coin has been almost doubled; the outstanding fractional cur­ rency is but $18,786,642.27, against $29,858,415.62 in October, 1876. Snoring. Dr. John Wyeth is entitled to the gratitude of all who are afflicted with the habit of snoring for the simple device he has contrived to counteract the vile tendency. The apparatus is described by him in the Popular Science Monthly, and an explanation is at the same tima given of the cause of snoring. In the act of breathing, the air may travel to and from the lungs through the channels of the mouth or the nose. Both channels unite in a common cavity just below the soft palate, which is attached by one end to the hard palate or bone forming the roof of the mouth and the floor of the nose. The other end of the soft palate hangs loose, and is moved by the cur­ rents of air passing in and out of the lungs, as a window-curtain is flapped by a breeze. If the air passes through the nose alone, the end of the palate is pressed gently down upon the tongue so as to lessen the movement or vibration, and no sound is heard. But if the mouth as well as the nose be open, so that two currents of air pass in and out together during the acts of breathing, the soft palate is thrown into rapid and sonorous vibration, and what we call snoring is the result. It follows that the remedy for snoring is to keep the mouth shut, and admit air to the lungs only through the channel of the nose. This can be effected by means of a simple cap fitting the head snugly, and united by an elastic band, near the ear on each side, to a capof soft material fitting the chin. Love and Astronomy. " By Jupiter! these are lovely nights. Nothing Mars the serenity of the scene," exclaimed young Jones the other night as he Saturn the porch 'neath the silvery rays of the crescent moon, with his arm around the waist of Venus. But when the old woman opened the window above them, and turned a pitcher of water out on their devoted heads, they thought they had encountered Neptune. She simply remarked to them as they started for the gate: "Here, come back! You can't comet over my daughter in that milky way." Jones retorted: "Uranus off, and I'll be hanged if I come back till I get ready," and his gkl took his arm and ho started off with a speed like the messenger Mercury, who is said to have wings on his heels, and silence reigned once more. The old woman says she will planet different nex$ time.--Napa Register. Romantic. There is a, young lady staying in Joliet, 111., whose history is romantic. One evening three years ago, in the southern part of Illinois, she was out walking with her lover. They stepped into an oyster-house for refreshments, and, while seated at the table, a drunken rough came staggering in and insulted the lady. Her lover warned him not to do so again under penalty of death. The rough was just drunk enough to re­ peat his insult, and the lover pulled his revolver and shot him dead. For this the lover was arrested, tried, and sen­ tenced to two years in the Joliet peni­ tentiary. The young lady is there, awaiting the time when he will regain his liberty, which will be shortly. SI19 has elegant clothing, jewelry, and plenty of money awaiting his release, and then they both expect to be happy. Lawyer's Catechism. What is law ? Law is a complicated and ingenious method of finding the bottom of the client's purse. What is the essential quality of legal success ? Procrastination. Procrastination, the thief of time. Here we set a thief to help a thief. What is injurious and often fatal to le­ gal success ? Conscience. A lawyer may afford to keep a carriage, or even a harem--but never a conscience. Why is law like a 200-pound gun ? Because it needs heavy charges to keep the ball rolling. Who bandaged the eyes of justice ? We lawyers.--New York Graphic. ONE of the advantages of being a ne­ gro is, that the oolor «f your nose don't give you away.--Oil City Call. THE LEAVES ARK FADING The learns are fading arrt falling, > The winds are rougli and wild, The birds have ceased their calling But let me tell you, my %' Though day by day, as it closeg, Doth darker and colder groff. The roots of the bright red rdjei Will keep alive in the ' r,. • And when the winter is over, The boughs will get new leaiei^ KeSsiThe avail come taek to the ttyrtr, & Ana the swallow back to the eaves 2- ft** ^ Hhe robin will wear on hi* boeom A vest that id bright and new, And tj»e loveliest wayside bloflbom Will shine with the xiin and dew. The leaves to-day are whirling, 1 The brooks are all dry and dumb; But let me tell you, my dailing, The spring will be sun? to come, There must be rough, cold weather, And wind* and raina so wildi. Not all good things together WflBF Come to us here, my child! 80, when some dear joy loee#^ Its beauteous summer glow, \i Think how the roots of the roaei Are kept alive in the mow 1 a young lovers who last spring were ied and swore by all that is beauti- PITH AMP POINT* " TIME flies," suggested she* , he answered, sadly taking a dark object out of the cream, "time flieB were gone." SOMEBODY says : "Every failure is a step to success." This will explain why the oftener some men fail the richer they become. "THE best way to cure a .crying child," says an advertisement, "is to buy a baby carriage." That is, to keep the bawl rolling. THE Kansas City Times exclaims: "There is anarchy in our midst." Ah, ha! Been at the green apples again, have you ?--Hawk-Eye. IT IS a little singular how much valua« ble time a woman will take up in' study- ing the postmark of a letter to see where it comes fromp when she can ope® the letter and find out at once. " You always lose your temper in my company," said an individual of floubtr ful reputation to a gentleman. "True, sir," replied the other. 8* And I shouldn't wonder if I lost everything I h»d .about me." THE marrie ful that only the great blue vault of heaven should overspread them are now quarreling with each other because he lets mosquitoes in 011 his side and she rolls all the covers off. A PASSIONATE and revengeful temper renders a man unfit for advice, deprives him of his reason, robs him of all that is great and noble in his nature, and occa­ sionally sends him home with a black eye when he attempts to try it on a who won't have it THE Philadelphia Chronicle yells out in agony, " What is going to become of the last man?" We don't care a cent what becomes of the last man, or of the first one either. It is what is to become of the intermediate fellows that interests us.--Daily Derrick. Now COME the days when the sturdy farmer dumps a load of dirt into some mud-hole in the highway, yells "Haw, buck!" at his off ox, pricks the nigh on© with a bradawl, and goes home under the impression that he has worked out his road tax in full. A IIAWTEB in Strasburg being in a dy* •ing state sent for a brother lawyer to make his will, by which he bequeathed his estate to the Hospital des Fous (idiots). His brother advocate expressed Jus surprise at his request. "Why not bestow it upon them ?" said the dying man, " you know I obtained my money from fools, and to fools it ought to re­ turn." WHEN Macready was playing Macbeth in the English provinces, the actor cast for the part of the messenger in the last act was absent. So the stage manager sent a supernumerary on to speak the lines set down for the messenger viz.: "As I did stand my watch upon the hill, I look toward Birnam, and anon, methought, the wood began to move." Macbeth--"Liar, and slave!" Super-- " Ton my soul, Mr. Macready, they told me to say it" NEBVOUS little Bob R. was nearly frightened into fits one day when bung­ ling Parson Pew, in his hard, unsmiling way, with a voioe like thunder, asked him, suddenly, " Who made the world in six days and rested the seventh?" " I did !" screamed the child, bursting into tears, " but--I'll--never--do so-- any more." Poor Bob was bothered into assuming to himself the formation of a universe, and told a sinless lie in order to blurt out a promise of future good conduct JAMES T. FIEIJDS says that an admirer of Shakspeare discovered among his friends a Bostonian who had never read the plays of the immortal William, and advised him to do so at once. Several months later the giver of the advice again met his friend, asked him if he had read any of the plays, and what he thought of them. Yes, he had read them all, and he added, with effusion, "They are glorious, sir--far beyond my expec­ tations ! Why, sir, there are not twenty men in Boston who could have written them." " HOME THEY BBOUGHT," ETC. Home they brought her sailor son, Grown a man across the sea^ Tall, and broad, and black of beard, And hoarse of voice as man may be. Hand to shake and mouth to kiss, Both he offered ere he spoke. But she said: " What man i» this, Comes to play a sorry joke ? " Then they praised him - called liim ** smart; Tightest lad that ever stept." But her son she did not know, ( And she neither smiled nor wept. Bose, a nurse of ninety years, Set a pigeon pie in sight. She saw him eat: " 'Tis he! 'tis he! * She knew him by his appetite. No Printers Need Apply. The Government Printer in Washing­ ton writes to an applicant for work who resides at a distance: " There is no pos­ sible chance for employment here. There are hundreds of good, sober and competent printers here with almost starving families to support. While this is the fact no one from a distance need apply." • OSMAN PASHA has ordered that a copy of every American paper calling hir^ " Rclaycrawford " be obtained and laid aside for future reference. He vows a terrible vengeance on the writers as soon as he has disposed of his little disagree­ ment with Skobeleffi.