The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

Aa'yowra Vr"v::" \^i~.yzz r % _«r*;TTv 'T'%^ « u *««C V ,- « /-*' •' > f "1*%l I %~ ** *•« ^pr-.r r > .« .*'. -V- !i! y . r.! *'i^ »* 11W1 «iiibii«lMiwi 5T«? ;?R®' : >••;•/..•"• _ .\.̂ ' •'&':*« •-P**?'*® Y<'*&W SlfVS tt» «now-o«app»a»o<iiiiii? fir, when Ms eyes wms dew-- WW smooth »s a. smilin' £irl*»-- was as fleet ap the fttunttoed Mad wu covered wiOiunUbiawn «mrl«-- . TWM a long, long time ago. t4 wHfc Jitn LaaeMt ha*V>me 1atf$t ! • *: |»* we«0Beblu:4ivelle8fr*-hlmAndmS^ I tt a An' It'a many a narrer chance we had .. Abm tte border; but what oared we, . InfUernVrs down to K*asftt ^ •"When the war come on, then m? and Jitt . " w ^mltlTld dar horses an'd rode rfwaj <{1» * "4«AMS'S,ST£'SS" We come with Kansas. - ^ its it yen,, old pacd, with yoar fronted hail. •«' ii' •• An' your scrawny l>eard swept down your onr brave eyes fixed in. a ghastly stare, laid down hefe oh the lev crest , O' the snow-capped ttockiM! «>5>»•• • • i "mi'i..: >: S'lKMen* we hide his farrowed face Unacr that yonder moanin* pine: -SAod ou the stone that marks the place ^ W*tl car** nai:fat ot»e bat t.ae simple lilia-- \| j, fFSrOMtlr Ol KH.8M." ; T- » €ENTLEMANLY JOM, • . TJiafs was the name by which he was »\ ffcnown'in tlie bankihg-hoiise of Ducat, |}ulden & Ducat, or at least that branch i«l i4*whioh did a thriving business in < great commercial city of Birches- ItoqL It did not require more than five " utes' acquaintance, however, to in- 1$ the uhinitiated that the apparently entasy epithet was bestowed father from a keen sense of humor on tbfripart of his live fellow-clerks, than «H|n«ooouBt of any exceptional claims to blue-blood in the case of Joseph Smith iiimself. Even the casual customer, •Ifrhtoe knowledge of Joe was limited to ^Hktchlbg his self-satisfied smirk and enormous watch-guard at the other side tAl t^e shining mahogany desk, or ad- jtoilMtg the emphasis with which he Utilized his moistened thumb in ovetf- the gregarious leaves of his ; must have been struck by the disappropriate epithet. To u«, how­ ever, who had, so to say, sat at liis feet ieifldrjniurveled at the war of indepqnd- dineefwhich he was carrying on against the Queen's English--a guerrilla Warfare consisting in attacks upon aspirates, ,Mnd'<&fttM£»ibff of straggling g's*- to us iobriquet was a joke of the first water. If anything could have en- lianced our enjoyment,of it,,it was the |nnoceut gravity with which our com- f|»MUkn accepted the doubtful title, and, afteC&Blfo^ble remonstrance, adopted It frtfeVetes his own prerogative and The circumstances of that remon- litreinoe deserve to be recorded. * Before ^ipe? arrival df Mr. Jos^ph Smith from tikfe J«ternal1#ilning-«tables--h :s father %as. a successful sporting tout who had ^erettoped into a trainer--our o®ce had fceenH a- f*6rtie«l«riy aristocratic <one. JSMfNed, 4ur senior clerk, was a fine, Ibandsome voting fellow of 26, who came Df f ®>od, Spotch strain, and was occa- •ionAlly unS (erstood to make dark allu- concerning the extinct Earldom of pg; Dullan and Moreby were Ox- UeB, well connected and well-read; it|l« Sparkina waa the BOU of a high- ohorah ciMgynm, and I had some ol ttf,, best blood of Wale* in my veins. Ho vond^r, then, that our dignity was W toe appearance of a loudly- <dr«sed, seorbuti^lookmg vouth, with •ihcHPSe-ShOe ptfi and a necktie suggestive of spectrum analysis, upon the very latejy jacated by my old college { ^ ^ Yernon Hawkins--most gentle- | inimlt* and quiet of mankind. ; For a few days we contented our­ selves with observing the habits and ofstoms of the creatnre. There was an ^. ' JUidMtty about his vulgarity and a happy WpmioiovsBess of all odense, which Airly disarmed criticism. It was not wstfl be began to address us as "old ^g>alst" end trent the length of piaving a «mallr pnetieal joke npon little Spark- tins, that a s^titof resistance beg m to! «tir within our bosoms, *nd that Wels- **su£' as TBual, was pushed forward as •our mouthpiece. * "You wmtfrift)" ^egycsarked.in his snost langma tones, "yo'h "nave been in km of$c6 a comparatively-short period, tend yet jrou have tanght us many -were new to us. There is a natural buoyancy about your char- peter which points you out as one oal- . jeulated to shine in the most select cir­ cle. ' Before your arrival we had never ^ teamed to designate ladies as 'fillies,' mor had we heard of the 'real gents' *whOm you menti(*i as having freqnent- «d. your father's establishment. These JUimgk interest and please us. Allow . losioihow some small sense pf the hon- •or your society confers upon us by •christening you as 'Gentlemanly Joej- * ^excusing the liberty we take with yoar £ name i» < cansideratioa of th« allitera­ tion." A great part of his speech must have twes 3ost upon Mr.- Joseph, but never Aid elaborate sarcasm fait so utterly flat. Instead of being offended, as we hadfpmlb', hoped would be the case, he bjirst mto an uproarious fit of laugh- ;s;; let, &nd slapped his gaitered leg with ^Jthe ebony rnler in token of delight, i "Haw!haw!" he roared, writhing about ^lon the top of the high stool. "What* •everll father my J (>h, law, to think of it! 'Gentlemanly Joe'--eh?< You're ^ right though; you're right, and not ' Skshamed to own up, neither. I said : when I was comin' up, "'father,' says I, £ •> 'HI teach them a trick or two;'and I liave, hain't t? Of course, vre'rd all gents here, for clerks is mojitlv reck­ oned such, but it dp make a difference when a man has been brought up in contac" with the real thing. You can call me Gentlemanly Joe, an' pleasune, but not as meaning to imply there is any in this room not such, though, may­ be not one of you has seen a belted burl give your father one in the short ? ribs and holler out, "You're a deep old 1 isooundrel, Bmith, and one a* knows jhow< many beans make live. Welatead's face a< the idea dI his £ 8®°^ g®*ernor receiving such- atten- E tion M the hands of nobility was so ludi- f eiroos fiiat we all burst into a roar of * laughter, which ended the first smd last f, attempt to take ' a irtse o4t o# <W»r bu- . oolic companion. It is true that his 1 life w* spent under a continual shower of SB«U jokes and chaff, and that his f "> new name superseded the old one, but there was a mussive simplicity about >i' " the young man and a marvelous power ~ -of aonverting the most unpromising re- r- VUNTks into ©ompliments which ren- ir i 4«red him a very disconcerting individ- ual to attack. Allusions to his hat.neck- | fie, ojr any other peculiarity of raiment -wer^ met by his eternal horse-laugh M' and an earnest recommendation that we hhould allow him to send down to the V country and procure fac-similes for all and each of us. "You hain't got noth- £ , : ing spicy in Birchespool," lie would re­ mark. "Lord, I know a place at 'ome where you can get your collars spotted with fii?' t n-m over wrtii fox's 'eads instead of bejp' ^ ^ ^ ^ jplain white, which is a poor color at j of a' dirg<T than beet"I think he imagined it was nothing bnt want of money whioh in­ duced us to refuse to purchase these and other luxuries, and ne wftt wont to throw out allusions as to "itte not cost­ ing usnothink," while he jingled the loose coins in his trousers pockets. . Town life did not improve Joseph. On the contrary, he deteriorated. During the first six month? that he honored the office with his presence he not only lost none of the traits which he had brought with him from his father's stables, but he grafted upon them everything which is objectionable in the city snob. The premonitory symptoms were a suspicious waxiness of the half- dozen hairs which adorned his upper lip, and the api>earance of a large dia­ mond ling with a greenish and vitreous hue. His next venture was an <?ve- glasv a?4 he finally launched in£p a light ulster, decorated with a Targe black cheek, which gave him tho ap­ pearance of being inside a cage, with his head projecting at one end and his feet at the other. "It's a proper tiling for a gent to wear," he remarked. "When you see a get-up like this, you know at a glance who's a cad and who ain't"--a sentiment which we all cor­ dially indorsed. In spite of all these peculiarities,-we learned not only to tolerate the gentle­ man, but even to like him. Indeed, we hardly knew how strong this feekng was until he betook himself hi to the country on a fortnight's leave, carrying with him ulster, eye-glass, ring and everything else which was calculated ta impress' the rustics an^ stamp him as the natural associate of the "belted hurl." He left quite a vacancy behind him. There was a dead level of equality about the five of us which deprived life of all its' piquancy. Even Welstead, who had disliked Into from the first, was fain to confess that he was good fun aud that'he wished him back. After all, if his Inttgh Was obtrusive it was hearty, and his quaint, vulgar face .had sincerity and gdod natiire stamped Upon every line of it. It was with unaffected pleasure that we heard a loud-view hal­ loa ua<the street,one, morning, just after the opening of tho doors, and saw our friend swaggering in, more ugly, more dressy, a&4, if possible, more vulgar than befofft * NeWSome, ouf bank maWager/ was kn excellent fellow and on the best of terms with aU, of ^us^ ^s^we were all single men, with a very limited circle of friends in Birchespool, he fcindly gave us the run of his house, and it was seldom that a week passed without our enjoying a musical evening there, wind­ ing up with one of the choice little sup­ pers for whioh Mrs. Newsome was celebrated. On these occasions, since distinctions would be invidious, Gentle­ manly Joe used to be present in all his glory, with a "very large, white frilled shirt-front and another vitreous frag­ ment sparkling gloomily in the middle of it. This, with a watch-chain which reminded one of the chain-cable of a schooner, was his sole attempt at orna­ mentation, for, as he used to say, "It ain't good form to show you're richer than your taeighbor, even if you are. Too much like a Sheeny, don't you know?" Joe was ah endless source of amuse­ ment to Cissy Newsome, a mischievous, dark-eyed brunette of 18, the sole child of the manager. We had all fallen in love with Cissy at one time or another, but had had to give it up on finding that her heiart was no longer her own to bestow. Charles Welstead had known her from childhood, and the affection of early yonth had ripeaed into love on both sides. Ne^er was there a mqre fondly-attached couple, nor one to whom the path seemed to lie so smoothly, for old Welstead had been Xewsome's per­ sonal friend, and Charles . prospects were of the brightest. On these pleasant evenings which I have mentioned it was great fun to see Joe darting into the drawing-room and endeavoring to secure ,a seat in the neighborhood of the young lady, with a profound disregard for any claims her parents might haye upon his courtesy. If he attained the coveted position, he would lean back in his chair with what he imagined to be an air of easy gentil­ ity and regale her with many anecdotes of horses and, dogs,, with occasional remitiiscehces of the "big nobs" who had professional relations with his father. On such occasions Miss Cissy would imitate him to his face in the most amusing way, looking all the time as demure as a little mouse, while Wel­ stead leaned up against the piano, not quite sure whether to laugh or be angry. Even he usually broke down, however, when the two came to discuss "heti- quette," and Joe, in his character of gentleman, laid down his views as to when a "feller should raise 'is 'at," and when not, The argument was generally olosed by a .burst of laughter from all of us, in which .Joseph would join, though protesting loudly that.be wws nnable to see the joke. - It is a proverbially dangerous thing to play with edged tools. I have never been sure whether Bmith knew how matters stood between Welstead' and the young lady. I am inclined to think tliat at first ne did not. Perhaps* if some one had informed him of it, then lie might have mastered-his feelings,, and much misery have been averted. It was clear to ua young fellows Who had gone through the same experience how things were tending, but we held our tongues rather than spoil ivhat we con­ sidered a capital joke. , Cissy may have seen it, too, and given him a little mis­ chievous encouragement -- at least, young ladies have the credit of not being blind in such cases. Certainly Smith pursued his hopeless suit with a vigor which astonished us. During business hours he lived in a sort of day­ dream, musing up on his perch like some cogitative fowl, and getting into endless trouble over his accounts, while every evening found him interfering with W&ltaw's tete-fc-tete at tfc# high corner libnse in Eldon street. At last the crash came. There was no need to ask what had happened when little Joe slunk quietly into the office one morning with dishevelled hair, melancholy face, and eyes bleared with the wakefulness of a restless night. We never learned the particulars of his dismissal. Suffice it that he was informed once and forever that a gap which there was no crossing lay be­ tween Miss Cissy Newsome and him­ self. He bore up bravely, and tried to hug his sorrow to his heart and hide it from the vulgar gaze of mankind, but he became an altered man. What had been but a passing fan$y with us had taken root in his very soul and grown there, so that he, who had hardly known when it was planted, was now unable to wrench it out. The ordeal he had gone through chastened him, to great extent, from his vulgarity, by toning down his natural spirits, and, though he occasionally ventured upon a "Haw! haw!" it was painfully arti­ ficial, and a good deal more suggestive The mug were feature of the case was that every day increiaed the gloom which hung over him. We began to suspect our estijnate of his character bad a superficial one, and that there depths in the little man's soul of whose existenoe We had been ignorant. Four months baa passed away. None of us had changed much during that time, with the exception of the gentle­ man. We saw little of him except in office hours. Where he spent the rest of the day was a mystery. Once I met him late ai night in the docks, stumbling along aniong the ring-bolts and chains, careless of the fact that a trip or a slip might send him into eternity. Another time I saw a, cloaked figure lurking in the shadow beside the house in Eldon street, which fled around the corner at my approach. His naturally un­ healthy complexion had become so cadaverous that the sandy eyebrows and mustache stood out quite dark against it. His clothes hung loosely on his figure. The eye-glass was discard­ ed. Even the once-gorgeous ring seemed to have assumed a somber and melancholy luster, as if in sympathy with the feelings of its owner. His manner* had lost all its old audacity and become timid and retiring. I doubt if any. of his rustic acquaintances would have recognized their gaudy Joseph in the shambling, unkempt figure which haunted the counting-house of Ducat, Gulden & Ducat. • 1: ! The termination of Weistead's en­ gagement began to draw near. It .had been arranged that after his marriage he was to be promoted to the manage­ ment of another branch in a distant part of the country. This approaching break up in our little circle drew us all closer together, and made us the more sorry that the general harmony should be destroyed by the uuhappiness of one of our number. ; i If we could have cheered him we would, but there was something in his look, for all his snob­ bishness, which forbade even sympathy on a subject so sacred. He endeavored to put on a careless manner when ho joined us all in wishing Welstead good luck at mid-day on the Saturday preceding the Monday oh which the wedding was to take place. We expected then that we should not see our fellow-clerk again until he appeared in the character of bridegroom. How little did we guess the. catastrophe which was impending. I remember that Saturday evening well. It was in January, and a clear wintry sky, with a suspicion of an auro­ ra in its northern quartdr, spread over the great city. There Was a slight frost in the air, and the ground clinked cheerily* under foot. One of my fellow clerks--Dullan--and I bad kept by lit­ tle Smith all day, for there was a wild look about his eyes which made us think it might be unsafe to leave him to his own devices. We dined at a restaurant, and afterward dropped into a theater, where Joe's ghastly face in the stalls had a very depressing effect upon the pantomine. We were walking slowly homeward after supper, it being then between J.2 and 1, when we saw a great crimson glow upon the heavens such as aurora never threw, and a fire engine dashed past us with a whistle and a clang, the big-boned, shaggy horses whirling it along at such a rate that we only caught a glimpse of a flash of lights and a cluster of bearded, hel- meted heads suspended, aa it were, in t h e d a r k n e s s . ' . . . . . . I have always had a weakness for fires. There is something grand and ennobling in the irresistible sweep of a great volume of flame. I could moral­ ize over a conflagration as Chateaubri­ and did over Niagara. Dullan is of the same bent of mind, and the gentle­ man was ready to turn anywhere from his own thoughts. We all began run­ ning in the direction of the blaze. At first we ran languidly, logging along with many other people whe were hurrying toward the same goal. Then, as we came into a quarter of the town vhich we knew well, we almost invol­ untarily quickened our pace, until, tearing^round a familiar corner at ra­ cing speed, we pulled up and gaaed silently into each other's faces. There, not a hundred yards from us, stood the high house on Eldon street--the house under whose hospitable roof we had spent so many happy hours--with the red flames licking round the whole low­ er story, and spurting out of every chink and creyioe, while a dense pall of smoke obscipred the upper windows and the roof. We dashed through the crowd to­ gether, and fought our way to the clear space on which the firemen were con­ necting their hose. As we reached them, a half-naked man, barefooted and disheveled, was pleading with the su­ perintendent, clutching frantically at his arm and pointing up to the dark clquds above, already rent with jagged streakB of Ascending flame. "Too short!" he screamed in a voice which we were horrified to recognize as that of Mr. Newsome. "It can't be--it musi^'t be I There are more escapes than one. Oh, man, man, she is burning--cooking--suffocating! Do something! Save her! My child-- my beautiful child--the only one I have!" In the agony of his fear he fell at the fireipan's feet and implored his assist­ ance. I was paralyzed by the horror of the thing. The situation was apparent at a glaqce. There, seen dimly through the smoke, was Cissy Xewsome's win­ dow, while beneath it, separated by a broad expanse of wall, was the head of the fire-escape. It was too short by a good twelve feet. The whole lower story was one seething mass of fire, so that there seemed no possibility of ap­ proach from that direction. A horrible feeling of impotence came over me. There was no sign of movement at the young lady's window, though crawling brails of flame had climbed up to it and festooned it round with their Ted gar­ lands. I remember hoping in my teart that she had been suffocated m her sleep, and had never woke |o the dread­ ful reality. , I have said that we were paralyzed for the moment. The spell was rapidly broken. "This way, lads!" cried a reso­ lute voice, and Charlie Welstead broke in among us with a fireman's hatchet in his hand. We pushed after him as he rushed around to the rear of the house, where there was a door usually used by the servants. It was looked, but a couple of blows shattered it to pieces. We hurried up the stone kitchen stairs, with the plaster falling in strips all around us, and the flags so hot that they burned into the soles of our boots. At the head of the stairs there was a second door, thicker and stronger than the first, but nearly charred through by the fire. "Give me room!" gasped Welstead, swinging round his ax. "Don't do it, sir," cried a stalwart fireman, seizing liim by the wrist; "there's flames on the other side of the .door." "Let me go!" roared Charlie. "We*re dgadmen if you break ill* ? "Drop it, sir, dttip ft." There was a momentary straggle, and the ax clattered down upon the stone steps. It had hardly time to fall before some one caught it up. I could not see who, for the dense blue reek of smoke. A man dashed past the fireman, there was the crash of a parting lock, and a great lick of flame, like a hound un­ leashed, shot out and enveloped us. I felt its hot sear as it coiled round my face, and I remember nothing more un­ til I found myself leaning against the door-post, breathing in the fresli, sweet air of night, while Welstead, terribly burned, struggled furiously with the fireman who held him back to prevent him from reascending the staircase, which was now a solid sheet of fire. "Hold back, sir!" I heard the honest fellow growl;, "ain't one life thrown away enough? That little cove--him with the gaiters--the same that broke the door--lie'k gone. I seed liim jump right slap into the middle of it. Ho won't never come back any inortf!" Together we, led Welstead round to the front once more, all three stagger­ ing like drunken men. The flames were higher than before, but the upper story and the roof still rose above them like a black island in a sea of fire. There was. Miss Cissy's window dark and unopened, though the woodwork around it was in a glow. There was' no sign of the flutter of a female dre&sii How terrible it was to stand and wait for the end, powerless to stretch out a saving hand. Poor Welstead leaned against me, sob­ bing like a child. A ghastly longing came into my heart that I might see the flames in that room, that I might know it to be all over, and her pain and trouble at an end. Then I heard the crash of glass falling outward, and I bent my head to avoid seeing the very thing that I had wished for ; and then there broke upon my ear a shout from 10,000 voices, so ^ildjy exultant and madly jubilant tb^t I never, hope, to hear the like again. Welstead and I looked up. Bal­ anced upon the nifrow ledge outside the window I had been watching there was standing a man, framed as it were in fire. His clothes were hanging around him as a few tattered, charred rags, and his very hair was in a blaze. The draft caused by knocking out the window had encouraged the flames, so that a lurid curtain hung behind him, while the ground was fully seventy feet below. Yet there, on the thin slip of stone, with eternity on each sido of him, stood Joe Smith, the uncouth and ungrammatical, tying two sheets to­ gether, while woihen sobbed below, and men shouted, and every hand was raised to bless him. He staggered and disappeared so suddenly that we feared that he had fallen, but he was back again in an instant, not alone this time, for the girl he had come to save was slung over his shoulder. The brave fellow seemed to have doubts of the strength of his impromptu rope, for he rested his own weight upon the nearly red-hot water-pipe during those twelve perilous feet, supporting Miss Newsome by the arm which clutched the sheet. Slowly, very slowly, they descended, but at last his feet touched the topmost rung of the escape. Was it a dream that I heard a voice above him say: "Hall right, missy,", before a burst of cheering rang out which drowned every other sound? Miss Cissy, more frightened than hurt, was delivered over into her half- distracted father's care, while I helped to lift Gentleman Joe from the escape. He lay panting upon the ground, burned and scorched, his sporting coat tattered and charred, while, strangely enough, the prismatic necktie and horse-shoe pin had escaped the gen­ eral destruction, so as to present an absurd oasis amid the desert around. He lay without speaking or moving until Cissy Newsome was led past him on her way to a cab. Then he made a feeble gesture with his hand, which in­ dicated that he wished to speak with her, and she stooped over him. No other ear but mine caught that whisper. "Don't fret, miss," ne said, " 'cause it was the wrong hoss that came in. He's a good feller--a deal better than me--and did as much, but hadn't the luck." A vulgar little speech, but Cissy's eyes got very moist as she listened, and I'm not sure that mine didn't, too. The office was sadly reduced after that. With Welstead and the gentle­ man on the sick-list, there were only four of us at the desk, and the reaction from the excitement had left us any­ thing but lively. I can remember only ode remark ventured upon during that first day. The dreary scratching of Eens had lasted unbroken for over an our, when little Sparkle looked up from his ledger. "I suppose you would call him a gen­ tleman after all?" he said. "A very much better one than you will ever be," growled Dullan, and we relapsed into the scratching of pens. I was present at the wedding of Charley Welstead and Cissy Newsome, when, after a long delay, it was finally celebrated. By the original arrange­ ment I was to have figured as best man, but my post of honor was handed over to a certain very ugly young man, whosb appearance suggested the idea that he had spent the last few weeks in a mus­ tard poultice. Unromantic as It maV seem, this youth not only went through his duties with all the nonchalance in the world, but danced at the subsequent festivities with the greatest vigor and grace. It is commonly rumored that this activity of hi*, combined with sun­ dry interesting anecdotes concerning horses and dogs, have so prevailed upon the heart of a susceptible young lady that there is every probability of our having a repetition of the marriage ceremony. Should it be so, I trust that I may at least revert to my original position as best man .--All The Year Mound. i, ,• es Mexican HaciendM.1 >?> • Mexican haciendas vary in size; some of the inclosures contain a space of from two to five acres, while others will cover an area of from twenty to forty. The writer was for a week the guest of au old haciendado, whose walls inclosed a space of seventy-five acres and were defended by 350 stout, well-armed and experienced peons and servants. This property had been attacked and suc­ cessfully defended eighteen times. The proprietor, Don Roberto B , was about 60 years old in 1871. He was born in the valley where his property was situated, and had never been 100 leagues distant from it. Yet of his sons one was educated at Flush­ ing, N. Y., another in Paris, yet another in London, England, while two had never left him. He had six daugh­ ters, all of whom were as extremely ig norant as his three eldest sons were well educated.--New Orleans Tim*% fcfi tvi / *Wa DIVIDING THSMOOnm A Conference of Sootoljr Bt)|trt«n That WM Not Altogether Harmoulo«a. "Now, gentlemen," said the society editor, as he gathered his corps of assistants about him, "we will proceed to the equable distribution of the ad­ jectives, and I sincerely hope and trust that the division may be made har­ moniously." Here he looked daggers at two of the boys who had come to blows the week before over "lovely and amiable." "As for myself, the editorcontinned, " I have purposely abstained irom a very liberal indulgence in superlatives and choice phrases, although. I Jiave had several important society affairs to write up that should not have been stinted. I have in use this week the following: 'One of the most delightful social events of--'t' "I need that," interrupted one o'f the staff. "So do I," cried another.' "I can't get along without it!" yelled a third, and there was a hum of remon­ strance on all sides. "This racket must be cheesed," said the editor* in his most dignified and impressive manner; A have told you time and again that I have first choice, and that settles it. 'Now, listen; I take ' recherche'--" "Oh, look h.ere now, say, that's not' fair, you've had that eight weeks hand running. ( (Jive some of the rest of us a wliack' at it," interpolated the first assistant. "You're a nice fellow, to find fault with that," sneered the editor, "after using 'r«c/te?*c/ie' all last fall and win- ter." 4 "I don't care, I got used to .it and I'm lonesome Without it. If I can't have my 'reckercke' on tfhis pbper, I'll go to some paper where I can have it." Then the editor had to give in, for' the first assistant worked for $2 a week and was the only man of the lot who had blue blood in jus veins, a father to support him and entree to affairs of the liaut ion. "Well, take it along," said the edi­ tor, "and now I want * it distinctly un­ derstand that I'll have no more inter­ ruptions. I, shall make no more con- cessions, if we go to press without a line of societv. You hear mp/ Now, then," he continued, "I take ' 'beautiful and accomplished'--" ' •! "I kick," interposed the church- social reporter, Who "TlBVOted his time to the business for fun and concert* tickets. * "What's the matter with you npw?" shrieked the editor. "Can't J have anything? Is your girl the only one three States that this paper can call 'beautiful and accomplished ?'" Don't make any difference; I draw that pair or jump the game," responded the imperturfable and independent youth; and the editor had to relinquish another pet combination, for this young fellow was the only one that could go through the ordeal of a church social and get back to the office sober. Gentlemen," resumed the editor, sarcastically, "may I ask it as a special favor at your hands that I be permitted to call one of our reigning belles 'nice looking?' It is presumptuous, I know, but I beg you to let me do this much. Another little thing--I should like to say that 'one of our wealthiest and most prominent citizens'--" Here the clamor of the boys was frightful; they ail wanted that. 'Sit still, gentlemen! Keep your seats! I'll call him 'sober and indus­ trious.' He will be insulted, of course, but 111 take the consequences. He will probably come up here with a horse-whip, and ask me if I'm recom­ mending him as a hostler, but no mat­ ter, so that you, my dear boys, aje sat­ isfied. Where's J olies ?" he asked, ab­ ruptly. Jones was the "Wedding in High Life" man, who had been delegated to get the facts and figures of a "Brilliant Nuptials" of that night, and a local re­ porter who happened in said that Jones had been stricken with blindness about fifteen minutes before in a saloon, from which lie had been thrown out, and that he had been hauled to the station house in the patrol wagon. "Go and search him, some of you fel­ lows, and be lively about it." Nobody would have suspected, from reading the paper the next day, that the smooth gush of the society columns had been the source of so much lurmoil, and that the artistic lying about the big wedding had been fished out of the pocket of a drunken reporter at mid­ night, but it was so.--Cincinnati Sat­ urday Night. \ The Lime-Kiln Club. "I has been axed several times o' late," remarked Brother Gardner as he opened the meeting in his usual bland manner, "if we war' to have any new mottoes or proverbs or maxims fur de summer sezun. De Committee on Sayin's has handed in de follerin' bill o' fare fur hot weather: 'He who sleeps by day vrill hunger by night." t "Industry am de peg on which Plenty hangs her hat." "Argyment makes three enemies to one friend." "Men who go to law mus' expect to it deir 'taters widout salt." "De biggest balloon kin be.packed in a bar'l when de gas am out." • "De rattle of de empty wagon kin be heard furder dan de rumble of de load­ ed rtne." "I war' conn tin' UfJ our maxims an' proverbs las' nightman' I found de num­ ber to be 480. I reckon we will try to squeeze 'long on dat number fur de nex' few months, although if any member hits anything silver-plated he kin hand it in at any time. Am Rear Admiral Bumbo in de hall dis eavnin'?" ' "Yes, sah," answered the brother, as he stepped forth. "Brudder Bumbo," continued the President, "las' nite while I was buyin' some green onions at de market I ober- heard you engaged in a dispute wid Kernal Lucifer Smith. You stuck to it dat Noah had red ha'r an' sandy complexun an' was a hump-backed man. But fur de arrival of aa ossifer dar' would have bin a font. How, sah, did you eber see Noah?" "No. sah. I think not." 4 "In what book did you read dat he was a hump-backed man?" "I--I dun forgot, sah." "Whar' did you post up an hi* eopi- plexun?" <; •> "I can't remember." "Now, Brudder Bumbo, 11 want to say a few words to you. De nex' time I h'ar of your disputin' a Biblical pint ^ou will drap outer dis club like a cannon ball gwine frew a paper-bag! What Noah looked like--whar' he sailed--how long he was afloat, an' how he enjoved de voyage am nnffin' to you in the slightest/ Your bizness am to pay yer rent, feed yer famly an' keep fo' dogs aroun' to drive off burglars, an' de less you mix up in outside matters de mo' fat yauwill haveon yer rib*. Sot dflhim, sah!" The humbled Rear Admiral proceed­ ed to his bendh, and dropped down with »jar which t>roks both of Senator Blossom's suspenders short off where the sheepskin joined the web­ bing.--Detroit Free Pre»s. •" -- i • t.:m Another Bad Bey Tarns (Jpt i" ' Yesterday I again met my bad %oy. He was busily engaged in aiwu»i»ng an old gallon tomato can to a dew's tail, because, he said, "that dog was too lazy to enjoy good health, and he wanted to stir him up a little." I asked ypung hopeful how his sister Mollie was get­ ting along. "Well," he replied, "sne's kinder bad yit, and if she knew it was me as busted her ohance of marrying that store-fellow, my! wouldn't she gimme fits; but she.don't read the pa­ pers since her heart was busted, and that is where she's left. Yesterday, however, she sorter warmed up. You see the mice up to our house are real bad; they get into everything, and when Mollie went to get some flour, yesterday, to build pies with, she found a mouse in the flour barl. She dropped her tin-pan and commenced yelling. Well, me an ma rushed in, and when Mollie finished explaining matters, ma got mad and said she was a goose. We had a council of war, of which I being the only man present, was appointed chairman, .and we laid out plan of ac­ tion to get that mouse. I was to liff; tlie cover from the barl, and Mollie was to take a stick of wood, while ma was detailed as a sort of a reserve corps, armed with a mop-handle. My dog 'Toots' was to be put afore the bar'l, and if he didn't catch the mouse, the commander-in-chief of the forces--that was me--expected Mollie or ma to lav it low with their implements of war. Well, old man, you'd a died a laffin if you'd seen the circus that ensued. 'Toots' he smel't the mousfe and was' crazy to «get at it. So when I tipped over the he made one wild leap into the flour,' he^d first; the mouse ran out atween his legs, and ma she blazed away with the'mop-handle; she missed the tnoitse, of course, bnd hit Mollie right on the veneration .bunch, and Mollie sank on the floor horse de com­ bat, as the French say. Just then 'Toots,' who was nearly choked to death with the flour, managed "to get out of the barl, and he was so badly scared that he just climbed astraddle of his. tail and struck out. The mouse got away all right. Well, there were ttro uneoncious wimmen folks on my hands. I once heard my ma say that water was a good thiqg to bring a person out of a swoon. So I got a bucketful and let Molly have it in the face." Did it bring her rouijd?" "Bet'cher life it did! and she went for me like a house afire, and if she didn't make them astronomy fellers ' a set of liars, then I'm left; for I saw eleven million of stars and comets not down on the maps. Mollie is always prejudiced. She told ma I put the mouse in the flour a pur­ pose, and ma, feeling disappointed at the result of the campaign, believed her, and she started in to knock some of the original sin out of me with a trunk-strap. So you see, pard, I am ahead two lickings, short one dog, and the mouse had all the fan."--£a# Vegas Optic. Hew to Sepossser Brass. ̂' You have, let us say, a piece of sheet brass. , Take a board an inch thick, and screw the brass on with small screws, set as near the edge as possible. Now you must have two tools, the one a tracer, and the other a mat. They are made of steel, and look like largo nails without heads. The tracer has an edge like that of a very dull knife; in fact, it very much resembles a screw­ driver. The end of the mat is flat, and is either simply roughened, or else crossed with fine lines; Having screwed a piece of brass down on the board, the pupil may take lead- pencil and ruler and draw on it as many parallel lines as he can, about an eighth of an inch apart. Then let him take the tracer in his left hand, and in his right a small ham­ mer with a broad head, like a shoe­ maker's hammer, only much smaller. This is a chasing hammer, made for the purpose. Now, resting the edge of the tracer on a line, move it along, and, as you move, keep tapping the upper end with the hammer. Continue to do this until you can make a perfect unbroken line. Do not strike too hard. A mere tap-tap will answer the purpose. After you can make such a marked straight line, then draw curves, and work them out in the same manner. When you can trace lines perfectly, and not till then, you should begin work. It is well in choosing a pattern to have many round objects, such as apples and grapes. Every one of these, in brass, will be a shining ball. In all ordinary work, it is advisable to avoid patterns which have inside lines, Buch as scales on fishes, hair, etc. When the pattern is traced or out­ lined so that not a break or dot can be seen in it, the pupil takes the mat and indents the background. No great care is necessary for this in certain grounds. It may be done roughly or more evenly. After matting the ground, you next go over the edges with the tracer again, or with a border tool, which is a tracer with the edges made like a very fine saw,r-r<?/iarie« G. Leland, in St. Ola*. ' ^ fjt*";,'? Cincinnati's Nickname. The nickname of Porkopolis is of En­ glish origin, and was the brilliant inspi­ ration of a sponsor who never saw Cin­ cinnati. In the year 1825 there flourished in the )Queen City a gentleman named Jones.' He was the President of the United States Branch Bank, and was locally known as "Bank Jones." The pork trade had already taken such pro­ portions as to rouse the financial en­ thusiasm of Bank Jones, and in a suc­ cession of letters he dilated upon the prosperity of the pork prospects of tho Queen City. The letters were addressed to the ^Liverpool correspondent of the Cincinnati bank, and this gentleman's imaginations at length became fired by Bank Jones' enthusiasm. In a moment of wild generosity he hied him to the studio of some Liverpudlian Thorwald- sen and ordered the construction of what is set down in the aunals as "a unique pair of model hogs." These noble effigies were made of papier- mache, and were sent out to Cincinnat i as a present, accompanied by the in­ scription--destined in part at least t«» become famous--"To Mr. George W. Jones, as the worthy representative o ' Porkopolis." The hogs have still local habitation and a name. They ad. i to the burden of life in the office of on- of the largest "slaughterers" of Cincii. nati, having passed by inheritance froi Bank Jones down, from hand to hand among the pork monarclis of Porkoj- olis, for nigh upon half a century.- Olive-Logan, vn, Harper's Magazine. fmin) wmrr. ADAH'S first wife must have ttte& ISI* Eve of suimde when she ate of the for­ bidden fruit. HE spent $60 on his daughter's art tuition, and then ike couldn't draw a conclusion. AM Ohio man has taken the smallpox from a pet pig. When onoe this diseaso gets into a family it is pretty sure to.go through it. A NEW YOBE tailor says that when he desires to get rid of a poor-^paying customer he misfits him so badly fhat he is laughed at. Then he gets mad and patronizes some other tailor. - - ----*-- "WHAT is a woman?" says an ex­ change. It is--well, we suppose she is a combination of dynamite and mule, for she looks as innocent as a mule and talks like dynamite when she is mad. "Is ANYBODY waiting on you?" said a polite dry-goods clerk to a young lady from the country. "Yes, sir," replied the blushing damsel; "that's ?ny fellow outside; he wouldn't come in the store." IN a recent sermon, statistical Tal­ is age said: "Every human being winks about 30,000 times a day." He might have added that in Brooklyn a good deal of the winking is at sin.--New Or- eans Picayune. A MAN looking over his wash, which the laundress had just brought home, remarked that he could very well understand how his nether garments might shrink up, but what puzzled him most was how the ruffles grew oh each leg. "THIS is a fine time of night to come home, and you just married," said Mrs. Davis indignantly, looking at the clock, which had just told the midnight hour. "My dear," replied her husband pon­ derously, "I decline to be interviewed! on the subject of politics." "LIVEK is king." We have seen the foregoing statement in a dozen different papers, signed, too, by some prominent doctor who is in the patent-medicine business. It is strange, if liver is really king, that nobody at a boarding-houSe ever says, "Pass me -the fried king."-- Texas Siftings. A CHICAGO Judge has decided that it is not unlawful to call a girl a "heifer.* Neither is it unlawful to punch the head of the person who would use such language to a girl. And now we sup­ pose it is not unlawful to call the Judge an ox, who couldn't find an excuse for punishing the man who called the girl a heifer.--George Peck. "CHILDREN," said a rural Sunday- school Superintendent,' "never strike a man--" "Got that money yet ?" shouted a man looking through the doorway. "Unless you owe him," continued the Superintendent; and, seizing a bench leg, he made it so warm for his intruder that he afterward declared the ther­ mometer ranged among the nineties*-- Ark an saw Traveler. ,, "I SUPPOSE you must have your sad days, as well aa any one," said a lady to the editor of a Chicago humorous paper. "What day of the week are you the sad­ dest ?" and she beamed on him with a pitying look. "Well, let's see," says the editor, as he opened a drawer in his desk and took out a pinch of tobacco and placed it in a briar-wood pipe. "Tuesday, I believe is the most sad and mournful davsto me," and he heaved a sigh as -he Hit} a match- ou hia- book. "Why Tuesday?"asked the lady, as she wished she could take a comb and straighten out his hair which seemed to be scrambled. "Oh, Tuesday, you know, is the day we receive the London hu­ morous papers." The lady got his name in an autograph album and went away to engage a Chinese laundryman to translate it.--Peck's Sun. Anlmhl Mythology. Ii is curious to note these quasi-moral reasons given for the peculiarities of the natural world, and their close re­ semblance to the philosophy contained in the stories already told of Manabozho and the animals of North America. The following French legand of the woodpeoker is especially remarkable for associating birds with theories of cosmogony, just as birds and animals were associated in similar legends across the Atlantic. When the seas and lakes and rivers were being made, all the birds were charged with the task of making the channels or reservoirs that were to receive tlie water, but the wood­ pecker alone disobeyed, and because he refused to dig the earth with his beak, he was condemned to dig with it the wood of trees forever ; and because he would lend no aid to construct the receptacles of terrestrial water, he Vas confined thenceforth to drink only of the waters of heaven,'and that is why his head is always turned skyward, and why with his cry "plui-plui" he still in­ vokes the clouds to send him rain. Ac­ cording to the North American belief, as reported by Franklin, after a deluge had resulted from an attempt of the fish to drown Wassackootacht, with whom they had quarrelled, and this mythical god or hero had ordered sev­ eral kinds of waterfowl to dive to the bottom to bring back some earth, all of them were drowned till the musk-rat succeeded in returning with a mouthful of mud, with which Wassackootacht made a new earth by imitating the man­ ner in which rats construct their houses. t So the Minnetaree Indians held that Everything was water, till the first man sent down a great .red-eyed bird to bring up the earth. The French and Indian legends are of a precisely similar kind, and the similarity between them is a yet further proof that, whether in civilization or barbarism, the forma­ tion of mythology is conducted in al­ most identical grooves of reflection and fancy. Sitting round winter fires or resting under the shadows of trees from the solar rays, the imaginative heads of all ages, and countries construct those ridiculous stories which come in after- times to puzzle the learned and give birth to explanations almost as absurd as the legends thev are thought^ elucidate.--Cornhill Magazine. Indian Bread Like Mortar. As a veritable curiosity, we have a sample of bread made and used bv the full blood Indians of the Indian 'terri­ tory. It resembles mortar in consist­ ency, and is composed of pounded corn meal and beans and flavored with lye. A chunk brought us by Mr. Robinson is about half the size'of an ear of corn, and is wrapped anct tied with corn shucks, and has been boiled in lye, and is in a state of perfect preservation, having been put up last fall without salt. It is really a curiosity, and more so now that the modern way of cooking with a stove is in vogue with most of them.--Fort Smith, {Ark.) New Era. DUCKS are reported as being the most profitable fowls kept in Great Britain. The first in the market bring the high­ est prices. Many ducks hatched in the winter are kept in cottages till the fifty warm. ;' » W C \r ••