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t*1, Ifltor an9 fuMWitf, kRom wttt MISS y?*#? VMT will min thee, Friend, wben Uf) For a month in dost hast lain. • • VkillWtautfudaaxfcm 1mm, *1 TomM of*ri*d«m. baajr brain--* ', >11 tfeon wart ahall b» forgot, ' ' And thy placo shall know thee Shadow* b«m the banding trees O'of th» lewly head may pais, /M- f : • i Right from every wandering broeza ^ Stir th« long, thick churchyard gnuw-- Wilttbou heea tbem? No; tny sleep Shall M dreamless, calm, and deep Sonteaweet bird may ait ana ling : ft |l 1 Q» tjhe marble of thy tomb, -|g1? Boon tofllt on joyous song 5'3 FronTtnat place of death and glo0tj|, , .. On urns bough to warble clear; ' • 1 Bat these songs thou shalt not heafc •' i kind voice may sin? thy j. Passing near thy place of rest. Fondly talk of "other davs"-- But no throb within thy breast : Shall respond to words of praisa^ Or old thoughts of "other days." * | Since so fleeting is thy name, ̂ Talent, !»• auty, power, and wit, . It were well that without shame *< Thou in God's prcat book wert Wlt̂ There in golden words to be $2 Graven for eternity. Journal. i ?- U'A A HAUNTED BT W. H. B. ATKINSON. 'V I a® a full-fledged man, now. There is '•jot the shadow of a doubt about the matter. }3b&S question in regard thereto would be fj»ever settled by a couple of little fellows <ifho follow me around the house and yard, addressing me twenty times in a minute as "papa." Even if this did not suffice, the generous sprinkling of white hairs upon Hy head would tell their own tale. • But, just about twenty years ago, I really i|as not auite sure whether I was a boy or tman. 1 was 19 years old, and, although eBsed with the legs and shoulders (and I might add whiskers) of a man, I carried •bout with me the head of a great over­ grown boy. And when I say that I had a boy's head, do not imagine that it was a dull boy'6 head; my cranium enclosed a braiu--a most fertile brain, I assure you, j^r devising mischief. ' I bad the misfortune to be born and j||ised in the village of Whippoorwill, the •leepiest place, par excellence, in Western Qhio. The change from the dull routine of country-life, to which we could look forward, was an annual visit to the fair at Ifudville, the County Seat. The only tiling, oat of the ordinary, which existed in Whippoorwill, was Sammy AVsgstaff, who Was popularly supposed to have "a tile ItON," and who undoubtedly waft a little "off;* while the only evtnt which had transpired up to the time of this chronicle, Mid "which seems to me worth recording, Was the disappearance of pretty Jennie Chester under a cloud of disgrace. I men­ tion these things, not that they particularly effect my story, but because they will in wai t explain the reason why I attach some importance, to the only excitement of my younger days. But stay--in recording these slight deviations from our "trivial round," I hud /Hell-nigh forgotten the most important JKiece of stock-in-trade for Whippoorwill gossips, the "show" place of the township. Two or three miles from the "center" Was a deserted house, Known as the lied Shanty. How it derived its name I cannot Say, unless its old boards, bleached by years of wind and rain, had at one time been painted red. It was a queer-looking faallding, standing in the middle of a field. It consisted of three stories, the lower one brick and the upper ones of wood. The /Windows of -the first two stories were lioarded up securely, but those of the top floor let in whatever light could pierce through a generation of dust. The slace was believed by all orthodox citizens 4f the township to be haunted, and not iven the owner could be induced to go Within forty rods of the Ked Shanty after dark. What gave rise to the superstition io one seemed to know, and I knew no Store than the rest, but, with the rest, I Vhared in the general feeling that there |ras something "uncanny" about the Bed fthanty. Now, among the Hoosier citizen* of Whippoorwill, I was considered rather a boy. although I must confess that •ost.of my smartness ran to deviltry. On •oeoont of this smartness, whether real Dr ftHaginary, IDT father determined to make ®rB something more than a farmer, and Sent me when about 19 years old to Mud­ sills to learn telegraphy. In due course of time I was appointed night operator at Whippoorwill siding. Kow, without the lecture that mv father bestowed upon me. I know that a telegraph •permtoron a railroad should quit ail such devil'* tricks as I had been in the habit of Indulging in, and 1 certainly did sober down. , Indeed, the surroundings of my daily, or lather nightly, duties were not very ex­ hilarating. Whippoorwill siding was three from the village, and the telegraph was folly half a mile fron my house, the Bed Shanty, which I could have with a stone from the door of the cabin, been at the siding about two months, as I sat in front of the cabin on a fine September midnight, I most dis- -; tinctly saw a light shining from one of the yjiper windows of the Bed Shanty. It warned for two or three minutes and then Went out. It was certainly very strange, because in all my life no one had ever lived in that old house, and, as I passed it in the evening on my way to work, I had : noticed it barred and boarded so long as I ~4«n remember. » ? | I thought about the light all night, and ; % when I was relieved in the morning I said C nothing, but took a walk around bv the % Bed Shanty. Its appearance was un- Changed, and there was not a sign of its •fjfteing inhabited, so I came to the con- «lusion that my eyes had deceived me. The xt night I looked in the direction of the kunted house several times, but saw ing. The third night I watched again d most certainly saw a light, and urthermore, heard a door closed. I am afraid I was rather superstitions in days, and I didn't like this Bed *.•' ,'IBbanty business at all. The following day I met several of "the & - - I--*" mid we all ntrolled down to ths k lUMinteu house, when I told them of what I Mi H»id«epn and heard. Some of them pro- f${ nosad going through the place then and jii/' wre, to see who or what was inside. But other* of tu:, including myself, suggested pi that ghosts and "such stuff" kept out of the wajr in the daylight, so that an assault iippt then would be useless. Besides, a4uu# bold scheme of my own to propose --a plan which (I thought) would at once be a huge joke for all the boys and par­ ticularly satisfactory to me. " Indeed, I lotow that, although I did not care very jVnch about the strange light I had seen, it WMmy inordinate love for a joke or an A- adventure which put the idea, which now occupied it, into my head. I proposed, to a select company of youths, nothing less than the destruction, by gun- - dynamite, of the notorious Bed ,ew that if the plan was generally •enftilated in the village it would be MrfMlsly, and probably, effectually opposed. OBW the place was destroyed, I imagined nobody would kick very hard. So we re­ tailed to keep the scheme among our half- dpeep selves, and I was appointed a com- Bittoe of one to secure powder and other­ wise perfect the arrangement for the ex­ plosion. My father being the proprietor of a atone quarry in the township, it was not a very Oifltaatt matter for me to procure, in a quiet way, a quantity of blasting powder. I had blast stone, and knew how to My a powder txnin, but I was absolutely """ of du laws of resistance, and e than * no more than the man in the moon what quantity of powder would be required to demolish the Bod Shanty. f Kone of us, bold w that we were, dare go very cl6se to t|M haunted house in tfeedark, and I could tMt 'laanw tny toabin at night, any way. It was finally arranged that I should fix tho ch&rges ot powder and lay trains to a small grore of trees,« couple of htindred yards distant from the Bad Shanty, from the shelter of whieh some of th» boys should, at midnight, start the ex­ plosion. Two or three evenings later I deposited a matter of forty pounds of powder, in half a dozen small heaps, around the ill-fated house. Then we slowly laid trains of powder from those heapB to the grove, and then, after giving final directions to my first lieutenant, I went to my duties at the telegraph cabin, to await as patiently as I could the "greatest display of firework'sever witnessed in Mud County." About 11:40 the limited mail from the west, carrying mail and express only, was due to pass my cabin. A freight from the east, if on time, would be side-tracked at Whippoorwill to allow the express to pass. Sometimes, however, the freight was very late, and in that case would be side-trackod at Muldoon's Crossing, nine miles east of me. On other, but very rare occasions, the freight would be just a minute or so late, and then I sometimes was obliged to •top the mail train for a few moments. Anyway, by 11:50 everything would bo clear of Whippoorwill, and I could watch, unhindered, the demolition of the Bed Shanty. On this night, at 11:15, I received a message from the train dispatcher, say­ ing that Freight, No. 19 would be 6ide-tracked at Muldoon's Crossing, and to show Number 4 (the mail) a clear road to that point. Accordingly, I set my target signal at "line clear," and awaited the mail. I h&d hardly set the target when I no­ ticed six or eight men coming from the direction of the Ked Shanty. They could not be the boys; I was quite sure of that, because no one in Whippoorwill would go so close to the haunted house at that time of night. Nearer they came, and in a few moments a crowd of masked and heavily- armed men stood before me. "Are you the operator?" asked tho ap­ parent leader. J nodded assent. I think my tongue was too large for my mouth just then. This target is set so as to give a clear road to the mail train, and she willnot have to stop here?" Again I nodded. "Well, just you fix that target she will slow up. D'ye hear?" I heard but I didn't obey the fellow. I was certainly a little superstitious, but I was no coward where live men were con­ cerned, I did not know whatthese fellows meant to do exactly; but I guessed they meant robbery, and knew by their appear­ ance that they would stop at no amount of bloodshed to accomplish their designs. So made no effort to adjust the target for them. The leader took a step forward, and, laying his hand upon a big revolver, said: "Now, boy, I want yon to have this sig­ nal fixed so that the train will slow up. When she is pretty near to the cabin, and before she quite stops, signal her to go on. D'ye understand? l>o this and you'll be solid. If you don't, why, by God, I'll send yon to Kingdom Come inside of thirty seconds! Hurry!" But I did not move, and I verily believe that a chamber of that big revolver woald have been emptied through my. skull had not one of the gang interfered. "Oh, let the cnb alone," said this fellow. "I can set the target. You,fellows can spare me. A couple of you take that young rooster and put him where he can't be seen or heard for awhile, and then attend to your business. I'll be operator for to­ night." In a few more minutes I was taken down to the Bed Shanty, where I was securely gagged, bound hand and foot, and tied to a door frame on the upper floor. It was impossible for me to move or speak. Now I knew the secret of the lights and noises at this horrible old house. It had been the rendezvous for a week past of a bold gang of train robbers. At first I lay there won­ dering if they would succeed in their de­ signs on the train, and it was several min­ utes before I recollected that in less than an hour the Bed Shanty would be blown up by the very gunpowder which I had my­ self set that evening! Not a sound or* a signal could I make--my only chance was that some of the boys might go up to the cabin, and, finding me away, let the ex­ plosion go until another night. I heard the mail train whistle as she slowed up-- then 1 heard her short, shrill whistle as Bhe started up again. Doubtless the robbers had been success­ ful in boarding the train. After that all was still for perhaps a quarter of an hour, and then I heard, through the night air, the voices of the boys as they prepared to start the explosion. Well, I just counted myself a dying man, and thoughts of all kinds ran riot through my brain. Distinctly through the still, clear atmos­ phere, although it must have been 2<>0 yards away, I heard a match struck, and in another moment--perhaps the most awful moment of my life, I heard a fiz--fiz--fiz, saw the reflection of several lurid flashes, and then all was still. , . « • » # r .# • The explosion was a failqtel Thank Heaven I was safe! Alas! I was by no means safe. I Was thanking heaven too soon, altogether, for in a minute the Bed Shanty was envel­ oped in flames. It had taken fire, and the old place, being as dry as tinder, was flaming away like a coal-oil torch. Death was coming to me in one of its most fright­ ful forms! Of the two, I think I would have preferred instantaneous death by an explosion to being roasted alive. I wondered where the boys were, for I could not hear them. They had probably decamped, afraid of being caught firing their neighbor's property. Surely, then, I thought, the flames would attract some of the folks living in the neighborhood. Doubtless they would be around soon, but I suppose seconds seemed hours just then. At last, when I was Retting uncomfortably warm, and half-choked with smoke, I heard footsteps on the stairway, and into the room burst the man who had already saved my life once--the fellow who had undertaken to arrange the target signal when I refused. He quickly pipped the gag out of mv mouth. "Young fellow," said he, "I think I have done you one good turn, already; sw«ar to give me a show at getting away, and I will do you another." "I swear," I replied, rather readily. Then he unfastened me, still leaving my hands and feet tightly bound, and carried me down below. He laid me down in the field, beyond the reach of the burning sparks, and as he disappeared he remarked: "I saw the flames, and didn't want a roasted man on my conscience. Now, re­ member, yon cannot identify me or any of the gang." Soon, half a dozen farmers and others stood around me, and to them I told the whole stofy. It w as a "close call" for me, and I doubt whether, if I had not received that severe lesson, I should have been a gray-haired man at 38--and also, I may perhaps add, superintendent of the railroad on which I started as night operator. One thing is absolutely certain: I was lastingly cured of my love for jokes and adventures. The train-robbers were most of them, captured and imprisoned, but the man who saved me from roasting I have never seen since that close call in the Bed Shanty. 'HfH -KM'I THE ancient Romans were BY .no means powerful on the sea, and their navy was by no means equal to their army. The Mediterranean was the only sea they wished to command. All old angler says that a fish does not suffer much pain from being hooked. Of course not. It is the thought of how his weight will be lied about that causes liim anguish. To BE agreeable in society, it behoves (one neither to aee nor remember a great I many tlijngs. TOO TM giwrt. Sad, lipyi--o»rf Way, (a P«ok.) My name is Archimedes Hard pan. Until recently I was editor of The Way back Horn of Plenty. My jour­ nalistic career was short, sad, and pain­ ful. I am now brooding o'er the pain­ ful past. I have so much painful past to brood o'er that I haven't time to do much else. Let the frivolous and trifling pause} here and turn to another column. These remarks are not for them. They are for those who can weep a couple of tears over my painful past. My wife's name is Maria. She is A woman of an economical turn of mind and great force of character. In her domestic walks "waste nothing" is her maxim, and her constant efforts to have me "waste nothing" have l>een the cause of much of my painful past. The advertising patrons of The Horn of Plenty paid me mainly in sad-irons, cork-screws, garden seeds, health food, and a variety of other things which Congress has thus far neglected to make a legal tender. In this respect my paper was truly a "Horn of Plenty." It was more of the nature of a hollow horn. My first advertising contract yielded me a dozen liver pads. I tried to trade them to the grocer for a piece of bacon, which I thought would give my liver more joy than a pad, but he looked at me coldly and said that liver pads had gone out of style. When Maria found them on my hands she insisted that I should wear them, and when Maria in­ sists I usually give in to save trouble and 1 loud talk. For twelve weeks I wore a large, scarlet-trimmed pad over an innocent and well-behaved liver. Then Maria gave the cast-off pads to the local benevolent society for the poor. My next important contract brought me an artificial leg. That rather stumped Maria, as we were both fully supplied with legs. The old wooden limb caused her a great deal of mental pain. Sometimes she seemed to almost wish I would lose a leg somehow or other, so that the artificial limb could be turned to use. I knew that she was grieving herself sick because I couldn't wear it and wouldn't try. I oft found her weeping o'er the unavailing leg, and I was sorry I had told her anything al>out it. She worried over it for months, and then a bright idea struck her. She sent it to a dear relative on the occasion of her wooden wedding. The dear relative had a full set of legs of her own, but Maria said that did not matter, as an anniversary gift was not valued for its usefulness, but for the giver. Then a traveling agent traded me a case of horse powders. That sort of health food nonplussed Maria for a time, as we had no horse to feed them to. She often gazed at me in a way that seemed to say I ought to- end her per­ plexity by taking the health food my­ self, but she did not speak out, and I was glad. After some months I ven­ tured to ask about the horse powders, and then Maria told me frankly she had mixed them in my griddle cakes, and that I had seemed to like them thus. She couldn't think of having them go to waste, she said, and as I complained so much about taking any little thing of that sort, she had decided to smuggle them into me in disguise. I had another short respite from keeping things from going to waste, when a mustard-plaster maker sent me six dozen of his biggest and strongest plasters, with a request for a write- up- , "Dear Archimedes," said Maria, with a tender look at me, "we cannot afford to waste these excellent plasters. You must let me put several of them on you every night. A man of your build and habits is liable to have some sort of sickness at any moment. These six dozen plasters may save your life." I kicked, but to no purpose. I went to bed with six or seven large, warm, thrilling mustard plasters stuck about here and there on my person. There was one on each fo6t, a large one cov­ ered my gothic backbone, and another warmed itself in my bosom. It also warmed my bosom. "When all these sliop-made mustard plasters got to work they made things lively for poor old Archimedes Hardpan. They filled me full of intense excitement. I am a tough old fossil, but I couldn't stand a great deal of that sort of thing, so I rose up in bed with a wild, blood-chilling war- whoop and filled the air with mustard plasters. I sold The Horn of Plenty soon after that last painful event. Maria has given those vigorous, thrilling mustard plasters to the missionary society to send to the heathen, and when the heathen adorns himself with nine or ten of them and a stovepipe hat, and goes to church with a triumphal air, I shall want to hear how he deports himself. I am, therefore, anxiously awaiting ad­ vices from the heathen. I don't know the heathen, but I am well acquainted with those mustard plasters. Public Speaking. The ability to make an interesting off-hand address is an accomplishment in which many men of education are de­ ficient. The reason, therefore, is not lack of knowledge, nor is it want of general information. It is nothing more nor less than the failure to culti­ vate the talent when at school or col­ lege. There are very many men who make themselves popular at social gatherings by stringing together a num­ ber of sentimental ideas interspersed with uu occasional witty sentence, all of which has been carefully studied in ad­ vance, and, when sifted, is really mean­ ingless. These are the men who pose as graceful after-dinner speakers. There are others who have the happy faculty of throwing together a number of adjectives and ringing in quotations from popular writers, who come to be looked upon as eminent orators, ^md whose services are in constant demand during political campaigns. Take bot!i these classes and engage them in con­ versation and it will soon bo seen how superficial is their education, how lim­ ited their information. To make an address off-hand that has body and soul, that will delight an audience and leave room for reflection, can be ac­ quired by any man of intelligence who feels disposed to apply himself to the task, for while the popular idea is that such an accomplishment is a gift, it is as much Within the reach of the man of ordinary education as were the intricate details of his profession or his business which he so successfully mastered. Men who talk well and men who write well should be able to speak well when called upon suddenly, because they have in them the elements, which merely require cultivation to be prac­ tically applied. There is no reason why the art of oratory should not be made part of the common-school curric­ ulum just as much as any other branch of education, and if the lieginning were made when the mind and voice are pli- oi found that e, and maturitig tn*n~ hood woiald develop talent In these dftys w-tioyy nvery mnn it, n. duty to take some part in public affairs, when Church and State are discussed at social as well as public gatherings, the ability to make an off-hand speech is an accomplishment which places tho possessor far above his less fortunate associates.--Pittsburgh Sunday eler. * . . I. , M The Fellowship of Fees. Capt. McOrath, Clerk of the Illinois Supreme Court, tells a good story of his war experience, going to show that during the war, at least, the world sometimes seemed so small that you were continually knocking against somebody you didn't expect to meet. Just after the fall of Vicksburg the Captain's regiment, the Seventeenth Wisconsin, had charge of a lot of pris­ oners, most of whom had manned the works immediately in front of them during the siege. These prisoners were supplied with rations under Gen. Grant's order, the same as their guards, but they didn't always, or even generally eat alone. The Union soldiers fellowed with them to a great extent, and, while guarding them as prisoners, really treated them as old friends, and dis­ cussed the incidents of the siege with them with great relish. Among the prisoners was a young officer named Saunders, belonging to an Arkansas regiment, who became a favorite in, the camp of the Seventeenth, and spent a great deal of time for a few days among its officers. He had come of a good family, was well educated, and among gentlemen always a gentleman. When lie was paroled, a few days later, he parted from his recent foes, now friends, with evident regret, taking with him a new Yankee uniform which his enter­ tainers had made up for him, to replace the tattered garb in which he had been captured. He went away never ex­ pecting' to see his new-fouQd friends again, but a few weeks later, Os the regiment was approaching Natchez early one morning, a horseman in a blue uniform, mounted on a mule, was seen approaching from the direction of the city. He evidently did not see the bluecoats until they M ere nearly upon him, and then seemed anxious to avoid a meeting--a kind of conduct the sol­ diers couldn't understand at first, as he wore the blue. The soldiers thought they must have caught a spy, but the first officer who came up identified Saunders. Being among friends it was easy to prove his parole, and he was soon free again, and this time crossed the river and went home to Arkansas. A year later the rebel and Union armies were confronting each other near Atlanta. There had been sharp firing on the picket line all day. Just as it was getting dark it let up a little, and pretty soon a voice called out from the Confederate riflepits: "What regiment is that?" The answer went back: "Seventeenth Wisconsin." Then came the surprising inquiry : . "Is McAuley there?" ~ -* "Yes." ' ' 5' i "Is McGrath there?" ' "Yes. Who the d--1 are yo$J < "Saunders, of Arkansaw." ? A shout greeted the announcement, and "Saunders, of Arkansaw," was promptly invited over. He came, and, on invitation brought a party of fellow- rebels with him. Then, as so often happened both in the East and the West during the war, men who had spent the day in active efforts to take each other's lives, gathered around the camp-fire in the evening as closest friends, and then returned again each to his post of duty to look upon each other as infidel dogs or hated giaours. --Chicago Mail. A Little Boy's Wish. A small boy was out on the. street with his older brother, waiting ifor the circus procession to pass. «They held each other's hands, and were all excite­ ment to see the coming street-parade. Others were on the street. The crowd was so dense that the owners of teams found it next to impossible to drive their horses through the solid packed mass of humanity. To clear the street, a big, burly po­ liceman is started down the thorough­ fare, using his club with effect, es­ pecially among the little children. He came up to the two brothers and forced them back on the sidewalk, a position which chanced to be under-grade, and, there, most undesirable for viewing the passing show. I wish I was Dod for a minit," lisped the little fellow, who had been turned back. The crowd surging around him prevented him from seeing anything in the street. "Hush, Bobby," exclaimed his brother; "that is kicked." "I don't tare," continued the little fellow. "Why do you make such a wish?" asked a bystander who witnessed the proceedings and heard the conversa­ tion. * " Tause," said Bobby, "1 tould get up in de sky an' see de procession, an' no policeman tould mate me stan' back." --8L Paul Globe. 4" He Was No Heathen. , , A stout-built Chinaman was riding down town in a street car, when an overgrown newsboy jumped on the rear platform west of the bridge. "Hullo, John!" sung out the youth. "Had any rats to-day ?" The Chinaman gave no sign of understanding a word. "Gimme a kiss, John; I'm stuck on yer shape!" continued the newsboy, at which several men on the car laughed. The China­ man gave no sign. "Yer no good,, John," said the bully, swinging off the car. "Bar that Chinaman out! Put him off!" he yelled, as the car struck the bridge. "Boycott der heathen! That was the last word he said to his victim. Quick as a flash and without a word the Celestial slid off the car, and before tho rough could move was upon him. With a skillful fling of his right hand he caught the bully and slapped his jaw. As the boy staggered back a Chinese fist struck his stomach, and the next instant an Oriental sandal hit him in just the right place to straighten him up. The car conductor considerately pulled the bell, while the men pas­ sengers gave a cheer and the ladies clapped their hands. Leaving his tor­ mentor in a demoralized heap in the street, the Chinaman was back in his seat in an instant. "The Slunday- school bloy," he explained, "he callee me heelen. I lickee white bloy heelen evly timee."--Chicago News. A PIECE of iron rolled in the Falcon Mills, at Nileft, is as thin as a sheet of ordinary paper. It would take 150 sheetB to constitute one inch in thick­ ness. The mill made this piece just to see how thin they $ould roll. "YOUNG man!" cried the professor of chemistry to a studenfa-".young man! to call one of your classmates a sheep is not the oxide of iron-y." A good many poople that ought to know better, persist that "Brick" Fczr.croy is a very wicked man. Well, may be he isn't as pure in everything as a white-robed seraphim, but he did one thing while he was editing the La Crosse Democrat, that entitles him to a reserved seat 'way up in the amen corner, next to the choir, in the sweet subsequently, and if we aot as usher, when he comes in, we will see that he gets there with both feet "Brick" Pomeroy was never known to get mad, rip his shirt up the back, kick the fur­ niture and bric-a-brac to pieces, whale his wife or cuss the shingles off the house like a good many editors would do, had they the same ponderous provo­ cations to bear. We never saw this story in print, but we have heard it upon several occasions from typograph­ ical tourists, and it must be true for Erinters never lie! It seems Pomeroy uilt a very fine office in La Crosse, converting the third story into a com­ posing and press room, the second into a library and sanctum, and the first floor into a counting room. One day a young man with a massive gall and gold-plated teeth, called on Mr. Pomeroy and in soft, seductive accents, proposed to swap him a barrel of XXXX. double-concentrated, con­ sumptive cod-liver oil, for a half column advertisment to run t. c. n. r. m. 12yl. Now at this particular time Mr. Pomeroy's liver was torpid and about to strike for three hours sleep instead of one each night. In a fit of absent- mindedness, he accepted the oily propo­ sition and began to "run" the advertise­ ment. In the due course of time the barrel of liver renovator arrived and was deposited in the third story of the room, Where the boys were told to use all they wanted. At this time, George W. Peck, of Peck's Sun, was general pot-slinger in tho press-room, and George fairly reveled in cod-liver grease. He drank it, oiled his fiery- hued head with it until he looked like an amateur edition of the aurora borealis. He softened his boots with it, oiled the 'presses with it, and did lots of other things with it, "not nec­ essarily for publication" here. One night George had been out to see his best girl, and as he felt dry and nerv­ ous like, just like we have all felt on similar occasions, he thought he would run up to the press-room and get three fingers of that oil. After satisfying his liver and the dry condition of his oesophagus he went down and forgot to turn off the faucet The next morn­ ing Mr. Pomeroy came down town earlier than usual, and found his fine office in a horrible condition. The cod- liver oil had run out all over the floor, •ioaked through into the library, ruining eyery book in it--a loss of many thou­ sand dollars. Mr. Peck then appeared, confessed all, and expected, no doubt, to be smashed up for his carelessness, so that his mother wouldn't recognize him. But he was doomed to happy dis­ appointment. Pomeroy finally "said: "It's oil right, George, but don't let it happen again," and went down stairs and wrcte a Saturday night chapter •with his left hand. That's why we think "Brick" Pomeroy ought to have reserved seat, with a baled hay cushion away up in the bald-headed row, when Gabriel gives the far-famed and final bugle blast--Alton (Iowa) Democrat. Col- , .: ft, ° /I * t *•* '.v* ' »• 'i X*--** r 'inisj Honey Ants of Texas, Mexico, orndo. The honey ant is a small red insect, extremely demonstrative and active and found particularly in Texas and Mexico, and in considerable numbers in Colo­ rado. Their nests are prominent mounds in some cases, and again are low heaps, spread over an area of twenty or thirty square feet, forming a community. As a rule, they are nocturnal, working at night, though I have seen them at work in tho bright sunlight at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and marching in a line, per­ haps severe i'ept wide and forty feet in length, to a cotton-wood tree, up which they passed--long and slender--coming down larger and full of a pure white liquid. It would strike even a casual observer as curious that these ants were carrying home a liquid that could hardly be stored away, ants not having, as a rule, store-houses for liquid provisions; but the honey ant overcomes this diffi­ culty in a decidedly novel manner. Certain of the ants, either by agreement or selection, are utilized as receptacles for the honev-food supply, and become literally honey bottles. They are kept by tho others in a separate apartment, about six inches long by four in liight, that is a store-room. Here, if the nest is carefully opened, the ants or honey bottles will be seen hanging on the wall, looking like ripe currants. The modus operandi that results in this is as follows: the antsPat least the small ones, forage for food, and find it in some cases in what are known as galls, curious enlargements or growths, often seen on trees and formed by the egg of an insect having been deposited in the wood, the latter growing about it and allowing in some cases an escape of a liquid that is greatly esteemed bj' nnts, and certainly tastes like honey. Filling their bodies with this material, the workers proceed to the store-room where the bottle ants are kept and deliver it up to them, the receptacles receiving so much that they become distended to an enormous extent, as we have seen, and are incapable of movement to any great degree. Their bodies upon examina­ tion seem particularly adapted for the purpose, being covered in their nqrmal condition by several plates that spread apart when the abdomen is distended. How long these living bottles hold their store is not known--undoubtedly in­ definitely. When the other ants wish to draw their rations they proceed to the dark chamber, and a supply is forth­ with given up. Such an arrangement seems to show that ants have much more intelligence tlban they are given credit for, as all their movements can­ not be considered instinctive. In Col­ orado their nests are quite common about the Garden of the Gods, and the tunnels that they form often penetrate considerable distances into the rock, and the work in arriving at the chamber where the honey bottles are hung is one of no little labor.--San Francisco Call. SOME beauties are like the convolvu­ lus, which only shows its flower when the sun shines; but the sun of beauty is a gas-luster. Should you ever fall in love, woo not thy fair one with costly gifts, nor by taking her to concerts, balls, theaters, promenades, and other revelries, lest you thereby give her dis­ taste for domestic life; remem­ ber that^ the lap-dog which has b-jen accustomed to luxurious feeding despises porridge and milk. A GIRL in Illinois found life a burden because she had warts on her hand, so she drowned herself, There was some­ thing appropriate in seeking a wartery grave. t ' ' • §i. my health, and, as I wasn't boon tich and hadn't pinched my Balary very dose, I was out of money. My clothes Trews well ventilated, my hair and whiskers long and ragged, and I didn't kick when anybody called me a tramp. Towards the close of a beautiful day in May I fell in with another gentleman whose appearance was no better than my own. He was also traveling for his health, and it was agreed that it would be a good idea to keep company. We made a raise of bread and cold meat, and soon after dark took up our quarters in a farmer's barn. No, we didn't Ask the farmer's permission. He might have been out when we called, and we would have had our trouble for noth­ ing. We climbed up on the hay, stretched out our legs Avith a feeling of gratitude to the inventor of hay-lofts, and soon wrent to sleep. In a couple of hours it began to thunder and lightning, and I woke up. "Hello! William, but it thunder*," says I to my pal. "Werry well, Charljp," he replies. "And she lightnings, also, William." "Werry natural, Charlie--werry natu­ ral." He was asleep again in a minute, but the flashing and growling kept me awake. By and by the rain came, and soon there was a clap which almost lifted me up. "William," says I, "did you look to see if there were any lightning rods on the barn?" "Nary a look, Charlie," he groans. "Which shows how utterly reckless a gentleman becomes when he takes to walking for his health. William* there may be danger." "Don't doubt it, Charlie." "The barn may be struck." "She probably may be." "And we may be killed." "Then we'd better say good-by to each other now. Here's hoping ye may have six hacks at your funeral, Char­ lie." Just then there came such a flash of lightning that it seemed to burn us, and we saw a ball of fire floating above us. Then there was a ripping, tearing, crashing noise, and the liay-pit at the other end of the barn broke into flame. We were benumbed for a moment, but I finally found tongue to ask: "Are we here, William?" "Here we are, Charlea" "And alive?" "Correct you are. We'd better be moving, though it does seem a shame "to chase a gentleman out into such a rain as this." There were two horses in the barn, and when we got down to the floor they were pawing and stamping in great ex­ citement. "William," says Ij "it's a pity to leave these beasts to roast." "So it be," he replies. "Boast beef is all right, but roast horse goes a-begging. We'll take 'em out." While he cut the tie ropes I ran around and opened the stable door, and in a minute the beasts Were out. William," says I, "our hearts have responded to the voice of mercy." "You kin bet, old boy.* "And this farmer will duly appreciate our efforts." ^ "I'm agreeing with you." About that time the farmer and his hired man and two sons heaved into view, and the way they piled onto us and bore us down and tied us hand and foot made us tired. They could have saved a heap from the barn, but they let everything go. We were lugged off to jail, arraigned in court for barn-burn­ ing, and in one way and another we were kept behind the bars for eight months. "William," said I, the day they turned us loose, "the next time we are struck by lightning we'll slip out o' the barn and make for the woods." "You bet!" "Tender-heartedness has beefc our ruin." •' "I'm listening.": And that's how I was struck by light­ ning, stranger, and that's all my story. --Tramp, in Detroit Free Press. Funeral Sermon Insincerity. To preach a funeral sermon over a good haan, praising his good life, com­ mending it as an example to the living, and soothing the mourners by a con­ templation of the virtues of the de­ parted, is a high and graceful task. It is in line with the custom of those classical people whom we call pagan because they subdivided the persons of their gods more than we, to pronounce funeral orations over the great dead. But in our different circumstances the preaching of funeral sermons runs into the abandonment of discrimination. The preacher is not even allowed to limit his funeral preaching to the mem­ bers of his own church. Even in his own sheep there may be wethers whose lives are not commendable; but he must also preach over their relations who do not belong to* his flock; over their scapegrace sons; over their in­ fants, who have not yet had any lives to make an example of; indeed, over anybody that happens to drop there. Tn the case of his morally inferior sheep he has to be silent on their failings, and to strain at their undeveloped virtues. In the case of their "impenitent," or wicked sons and other relations he has to in­ vent some way of slipping them through the judgment which ho has preached for all men. Thus his funeral sermons contradict his preached faith, and he preaches judgment to the living only to snatch the dead from it To argue that this custom of prevarication, be­ cause it is called Christian charity, will not have the inevitablo effect of false­ hood in loosening the character, is to deny that habitual sin is a growing force of moral degeneracy. Does it not bring the preacher to regard this as a lawyer regards his perverting of justice as a professional function which ab­ solves him from moral principle ? And can this be without an effect on charac­ ter? Who can measure how much this untruthfulness undermines the preach: er's truth in all things, and makes him look upon all as merely professional ?-- Cincinnati Commercial Gazette. ,T the and yet snap--jr«0 Havf* ^Hunian Hands Never Clean! It seems that, from a scientific point of view, perfectly clean hands are an impossibility. In the Gazetta Medica Jtaliana, Dr. Forster saya that after the most diligent wasliings and brush- ings with soap and water, and rinsings with carbolic acids and other disin­ fectants, the hands remained so impure that, upon touching tho fingers to sterilized gelatine, micro-organisms were rapidly developed. The doctor found, indeed, that on rinsing the hands with a solution of one to one thousand of corrosive sublimate they became "scientifically cleansed" for the time, but that in wiping them upon a towel not previously disinfected they return to their sad condition of un- cleanliness. •:T\ • •4,'i' A'f# i /•. 'A , • : it % piaec» he ha. a News. A WATERING-PLACE young lacty good deal like a brewer. She cannot get along without the hope.--Boston Budget. BLACK--Allow me to congratulate you, White. I hear you have married a widow. White, (soberly) -- You're mistaken, she married me.--Boston Courier. Now THAT creased pants and rough- edged paper are fashionable, the onlv tiling needful to complete the editors happiness is a craze for frayed cuffs.--- Burlington Free Press. WE read of Rev. Mr. Grim marrying a couple at Yocumtown, Pa. There is a grim sort of humor in being matrimo­ nially yoked at Yoke'emtown by Mr, Grim.--Norristown Herald. MOTTO FOR A CHURCH BEtiL. " ^ On Sabbath morn, with iron tongue, I call to church the old and young,* v-... And then the poor to-worship go-- '*- 3 Tho rich, their handgome clothes to ahMr. .. i --Boston Courier. A METHODIST hymn commends those whom it says "fought to win the prize." ^ Does this hold the truly good to the f s approval of the contemporaneous prize II fighter of the ring?-- Cleveland Sentir $ nel. " SCHULZE--And how dp you 1jir«a> the ll parrot I sent ybu? Mnller--It was * |l bit tough. S.--What! Have you eaten 'M it, then ? Why, the creature could 1 talk? --Well, why didn't it say so, . 'S then ? "EVERYTHING is lovely and the goose < : \ hangs high," is transposed by the Bos- \,;- ton maiden into "all things are just as ̂ we would wish them to be and the fowl ̂ is suspended at an altitude that dwarfs • S* all our previous experience.--Boston ' Courier. AT the breakfast table of an Austin | family, the conversation turned to a newspaper item about a fashionably- ^ dressed lady eloping with a prominent il citizen. "I don't see how she could run away very fast if she was fashion- I ably dressed," remarked the head of the family. "Maybe the man carried her % in his arms," was the sage comment of | the 5-year old cherub.--Texas Siftings. A YOUNG physician, while diagnosing a case, fired a number of questions at % his patient which flew wide of the> v| mark. He was finally successful, how- ?| ever. "You-er--sometimes have a--er S --tired feeling come over you, which--" M "Yes," interrupted the patient, "I feel i it now. I'm tired, very tired." "Just • $j as I thought," said the young physician. v| "I am seldom mistaken in my diagnosis i| of a case."--New York Sun. • \ : "WHY do they call this place Shaclt Mountain?" asked Laura, after they had been in the new summer-resort s about two weeks; "there are no sharks in the mountains." "No," said Tom, H "but there are hotels there." A«d Laura sighed. They had only been! married six weeks, and here was Tom ' 1 answering her questions at random and . - not paying the slightest attention to ^ anything she said.-- Burdette. ' , •: THE MASTER SLEEPS. . ^ t . The breath of June with sweet parfWB* Came stealing through the open door, And restless shadows in the room Played with the sunbeams on tli« flora:. ' The buzzing voices croon and drone, And laugh aloud in willful way; ' : ,' Tho old schoolmaster on his throne Sleeps soundly on that sweet June day. Away from noisy schools his dreams Have swept him back through paths of ligtrt^ •••.'*£ By dimpling mead and rippling streams 'rf To childhood's home and morning brigtlft, ' ̂ Soft, soft he sleeps, schoolmaster wise, - With one eye open just a crack, i So just in time he grabs Bill Blyes, . v And makes the dust fly from hia back. --Brooklyn Eagle. "Well, Spook,they say you have been ; across the continent How did yqrti like it?" "Well, sir, as far as my ex- 'V perience goes it was a pretty fair conti­ nent. I may not be a very competent! judge, but I should say it was one of the best continents anywhere in this * locality." I shouldn't like to have my' opinion published, you know, for some: of my enemies may be interested in other continents; but I will say, pri­ vately, that in my opinion, in any col-» lection of continents it would compare J favorably with any other specimens that might be presented. -- Lynn : Union. The Comets. \ Prof. Young observes that the comets are the most impressive and at the same : time the least significant of the heavenly bodies. Since the beginning of the ; Christian era 660 comets have been re­ corded, those antedating the telescope being such only as were visible to the naked eye. From three to six are usually discovered each year. Some of them are best known by the names of their discoverers, as Donati's comet or Encke's comet; but science knows them also by numbers and letters, as comet No. 1 of 1886, or comet A of 1886. The letter refers to the comet first discov­ ered in the particular year," while the numeral refers to that which was first to go around the sun, so that comet No. ; 1 and comet A may not be the same. The bright or large comets do not ap­ pear with equal frequency in the differ* ent centuries. In the sixteenth century there were 23 such; in the seventeenth, - 12; in the eighteenth, 6; in the nine­ teenth, thus far, 20. The «orbits of many of the comets are in the form of a hypobola, showing that they will never return. There are 25 to 30 whose orbits are elliptical, and the returns of which may be predicted, and there are besides 15 to 20 which are probably, , ; Mt not certainly, elliptical. The planet || Jupiter is believed to have been the ^1 cause of the most of these elliptical or- bits, there being 12 or 14 comets whose initial motion would have carried them indefinitely into space had they passed at suflicient distance from this great planet in going forth, but which cannot now escape from his attraction and must continue as attendants on the solar system. There seems to be a fair probability that a comet may some day strike the earth, but if the nucleus ir only the dust or powder which it ap­ pears no more serious effect need he . expected than a magnificent display ol ahoptiag stars. •; a Diet of Sugar, A note appears in the Apothtker Zeitung, by Dr. Phipson, on sugar a§ a regular article of diet, in which the writer opposes the general prejudice against the article. He declares' that, during a period of forty years, he has eaten very largely of it, at least * 5 quarter of a pound daily, not including 11 sugar-forming substances taken at the * same time. During all this period he has not been under the necessity Of taking medicine, and has not suffered from any complaint except brief attacks / due to irregularities in eating or iff - dress. He declares-^--of course very safely--that the condition of men woulw be much improved if the use of sugor ' should substitute that* of alcohol. A LITTLE of everything is nothing • the main. ' - 4 . v * -i.'* * „ << r. ^'4? . X M )