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(Bed Host tnotrat&in when the . _ H* 'nrt Wtw», • WlMRItlffllMMY Bow.xt like likker nd the folks _ **ftbf*WSiKl true 1 Wfcsn ttw afRbts wn« crisp and balmy, "a® the waaww all »»tlr Wftfe the Joints all thro wed •wide open "nd no thirlt to demur I i Usm on Bed Hoi a mountain In the kfNfuimy- »'« no sfeh place nor tinn like thetn aa I kin find to-day 1 Wbat though the eaaapberi baited F I Mem to . „ See it Still, A-lying. like it lorea It, on that big 'nd warty hill; And 1 feel a sort of yearnin' "nd a chokin' In my ihroat •' . . WlKn I think of Sad Sou mountain ltd of !v:;, , " Casey's tabble dotet v • Villa Casey mu an 'Iriihman--jron'd know it by his name "* And by the facial features appertalnln* to the same; He'd lived in many plaoea 'nd had done a thou­ sand things, ' Stom the noble art of actin' to the wo$c of dealin'kings; But, somehow, hadn't caught on--eO, drirtin with the rest, - . ' H» drifted for a fortune to the nnderaloped We8t> . ^ he come to Bed Hoaa mountain when the lit t le camp wui new, •* Wsen the money flowed like jikker *nd the folks wuz brave 'nd true; ^-»v . . And, havin' been a Stewart on » Mississippi boat, Ha opened up a catty *nd,he run & tabble dote 1 13M bar wuz long "nd rangey, with a mirror on the shelf-- Uda pistol, so that Casey, when required, could help himself; Down underneath there wo* a HNr Of bottled beer 'nd wine, *Nd a kag of Burbon whisky of the nut pt ®>; Upoc the walls wuz pictures of hoaaea 'nd Of girls-- Not much on dress, perhaps, but strong on records 'nd on carls! 33M which had been identified with Casey in the past-- The bosses "nd the girls, I mean--una both wu* •*=9 mighty faatt Bat all these fine attractions wu* of precious little note B* the side of whatwus offered «t Caaey's tab- - - bledotel ' A tabble dote Is different from criteria' aller oart; ... Inane case yon git all there is--in t 'other, only part I , And Casey'8 tabble dote began in French--aa all begin-- And Casey a ended with the same, which is to say with "viu Bwfc ID between wax ersry kind of reptile, bird 1 'nd beast, Tkm tame like yon can git In high toned restau­ rs'?,- s down East 1 *Hd \rindiu' up wuz cake or pie, with coffee _ demv tass. Of, lometinies, floating Ireland in a aoothjn' kind of sasa That left a sort of pleasant ticklin' in a feller's throat, *Kd made him hankar after more of Caesjfs ' i ' tabble dote 1 ttw Wy reoolleot ion o< them puddin's lad tkem ". pies Brings a yearnin' to my buiom 'nd the wmter to my eyes; HA seems like cookin' nowadays ain't what it need to be In earn p on Red Hoss mountain in that yea* of '63; But may be it is better, and may be I'm to blame-- <P fl like to be a-livin' in the mountains jest the same-- I'd like to live that lite again when skies wuz ..... fair 'nd blue, When things wuz run wide open "nd men wuz • brave 'nd true- When brawny arms the flinty Tibs of Bed Hoes mountain emote Bor wherewithal to pay the price oC Casey's tabble dote! • i NARROW ESCAPE. NE.&W. ,"'5 H is often remarked, and with perfect truth, that railway passengers, in spite the length tZ the front window looked unusually fresh. We talked sway for sorac time, An- tonv telling me that he had just turned a train of trucks laden with fire-clay into the siding^he engine having gone back again--and I replied that I had noticed in the dusk that the points were open to to the siding as I oame along. "Yes," said Antony, "I am just going to pull them over for the express," which, as he spoke, was signaled to him on the electric bell as having left, or rather passed, a cabin some soiles op the line. As he finished his remark, he low­ ered the distant signal to permit the approaching mail to oome safely on, and was just about, as he said to me, to pull the points over for her--it was be­ fore the days of interlocking gear and work of non-facing sidings, when the following .^^Wocurrence took place. The cabin, as 1 have said, was situated in a deep rock cutting, and at the very instant when the signalman had his hand stretched out to reach the points- lever a large slice of rock, stones and gravel slipped down the side of the cutting, close to the south side of the box, slightly fouling the.up-line--which, however, did not matter as there was no train due in that direction--and also, what was a hundred-fold worse, so jam­ ming and wedging the wire and rod which led from the cabin to the signal and paints respectively that it was quite impossible to move either, so that the express, deceived by the white light of the distant signal, would oome thunder­ ing along and d&sli into the clay-laden • trucks in the siding-, | Thus there seemed every likelihood of one of those awful accidents occur- oi statistics showing now many Hun­ dreds of thousands are conveyed safely every year, have perhaps more narrow escapes from a sudden and awful death than they have any idea of. They are carried swiftly over facing points, rush by sidings where a mineral train has perhaps been shunted to let them pass, and reach their journey's end without a thought of . what the state of things might be were a little slip or piece of carelessness to occur in the complex management of the tine ; and certainly danger is very much less now than some number of years ago, when incident occurred which I am about and by which I was enabled save the lives of a number of passen­ gers. I had been engaged for some eigh­ teen months making a survey of land required for the formation of a new line of railway, and had become acquainted with a one-legged signalman, usually known by the name of "Old Antony," whose box was situated in a deep cut­ting on the main line to the south, and by the siding of a small brick and tile Works. Our intended new railway was to Cross this present line on a high viaduct tear where Antony's cabin was sit­ uated, and as this necessitated an extra amount of surveying, leveling and so forth at this place, I soon became very friendly with the old fellow, and would frequently look in about the middle of the day to discuss luncheon and a pipe *ith him--the company's rules not be­ ing then so strictly enforced with re- to signal-cabins as they are now-- and alter the day's work, when chain S«i -staves were being strapped up |or file night, I often used to walk round that way as dusk was coming on, and ttte partridges calling in the low-lying meadows, and stay a few minutes for a "bit crack," as the old signalman 'used to term it, Antony was fond of spin- yarns, like all old railway men. He had been a passenger-driver before file accident occurred to him by which be lost his leg, the account of which he •ever tired of relating; it being, as he •fid, a curious way for one to lose a limb. He was standing, it appeared, in the engine-shed one morning belore his 'Usual run, oiling up the driving gear of his "looo." when, from some cause or •bother, the huge engine moved for­ ward about six inches, and one of the Beat driving wheels ran over his right fcot, squeezing it completely away, so 4® speak, He had to have the whole Hub amputated, and now was only able J° progress at a very slow paee indeed, being provided with one of the old- fsshioned wooden legs such as ••Dior medicants display. It happened one October evening. I thought I would take a stroll from the farmhouse where we were lodging, and watch the down express, that left the city at 3 p. m., career past us, and then l<>ok in and have an hour's chat with An­ tony before going to bed. ^ . ^1 generally used to look out for this tw®#, which was the crack express of •W «?y, B^d was fond of timing it run distance between two little under- "cattle creeps," as they are filled--which it usually did in about jfrainutes and a few seconds, the said *~:es being exactly one mile and -quarters apart, allowing for the of the line. * However this evening I changed my ad»d and walked to the signal-box at onoe, Arriving there some little time be­ fore the express was due. Sifcftched the cabin and was greeted far» pleasant nod from its occupant, jrnoml complimented on the particu- art appearance of the interior ;ht--the signal-box was always illy neat and well-kept; but on occasion Antony seemed to have ie a special effort in polishing the ring which would startle all the people of England next morning at their break­ fast-tables, staring in big capitals at the head of long newspaper columns, and although the part I now played may seem simple and plain, there is no doubt snch a catastrophe would have taken place but for my presence in the box that night. Hardly had the noise of the fall of earth and rock ceased, ere we both heard the faint rumble of the express crossing one of the little "cattle-creeps" referred to, which meant that in some three or four minutes the train would be up to Antony's box, and into the debris that awaited it among the clay- wagons in the siding. In an instant the old signalman--who was as smart as many a young man-- shouted to me: "Quick! She will not see a hand- lamp in time from the window, here; owing to the curve, and I cannot run to meet her with this 'peg-leg.' Hurry on with the lamp and stop her if you can 1" I seized the lamp, rushed down the cabin steps and up the line, while his words seemed hardly yet to have had time to make themselves heard; and an awful run I had of it, such as I never care to experience again. I had often read of exciting episodes such as this, which were very interest­ ing on paper, but when I thought of the terrible scene that appeared to be so near at hand, 1 felt sick with fear lest I should fail in averting it. It was before the days that compressed-air and vacuum-brakes enabled a driver to pull up in some few hundred yards when traveling at full speed, and I knew I must strain every nerve to cover as much ground as I could before I came on a level with the buffer-plank of the ex­ press engine, which I could plainly hear rattling along toward me. There was a short tunnel to go through, and I stumbled past its slimy walls, every now and then tripping over sleep­ ers, which the ballast had left partly ex­ posed, and fearful every instant of breaking the lamp or of it going out, till at length I caught sight of the ap­ proaching train dashing grandly round the curve, the grave face of the driver, with bushy beard and flat cap, peering through the left spectacle-glass of his "loco," the latter a magnificent engine, the very pick and pride of the road, as being chosen to run the north mail, and a sob of gratitude escaped me as I saw her driver start like lightning to the regulator, as he caught sight of my waving lamp, and heard his shrill double whistle for the guards' brakes, which with that on the tender, soon, had all the wheels at their command tightly skidded. Amid a shower of sparks and a sul­ phurous smell, the express 'seem no longer to vibrate and leap along, but perceptibly slowed, and at last came to a stand, as I afterward found, with the leading wheels of the engine bogey wtually some two yards within the sid­ ing points. As I hurried back to the-cabin, I saw Afltony with his head out, telling the driver quietly what had happened--for iii the interests of the company he knew better than to make a "song" of it be­ fore the passengers, one or two of whom were looking out on account of what they knew to be an unusual stop--and as I reached the box, the train was be­ ing geutly reversed, and in a few sec­ onds proceeded on its way, its human freight having no idea of the narrow shave they had experienced, and of the deliverance that probably many of them had had from a dreadful death. Antony telegraphed the news of the landslip to the next station, and a gang was soon at work clearing away the debris from the up-line, which was only Mocked about an hour, and many and heartfelt were the old fellow's congratu­ lations to me on the success that had attended my desperate effort to stop the express, and I myself, though I said nothing to him, could not help feeling that some higher hand had assisted me to accomplish what I had done in going to the signal-box first, and succeeding in stopping the train. The company presented me -with a handsome piece of jewelry, which I price both for its intrinsic value and as a memento of my race against the north express. Wanted the Neighbors to See. Mrs Smart--How much did you say this carpet was a yard? Clerk--One dollar a yard, ma'am. Mrs. Smart--Well, 111 take thirty yards. Clerk--Yes, ma'am. Will that be all? Mrs. Smart--No; be sure you don't send the carpet after dark, and you needn't be particular about wrapping it up. THE^ollowing letter, says the Medi­ cal Gazette, was received by a physi­ cian from a man whom he knew, prac­ ticing medicine and desiring counsel: "dear Dock I have a pashunt whose physical sines shows that the wind­ pipe has ulcerated off and his lungs have dropped down in his stumick i have given hym everry thin without efect her father is welthy honorable I and influenshal as he is a member of ff IS A 6REIT SKT1 THM MAJOR'S A<UI N«T» Time-Look Attaotr Meal for Utt Thanks to the inventive Maj. Robertson, t, Chicago umbrella stealing i; i a dying ind Chicago. According to statist]' piled by the Major himself, ye per cent of umbrellas lost, st: stolen was eight v-fc ir below t ings of April 12, 18!48. This ii aging, and the inveri tor declar a few weeks more tile man win nerve to monkey w ith a stri brella will be a curi osity. Partly for pecuniary gain to fill a long-felt wunt the placed before the public his Pj justable Non-Steal able Burglar-Proof attach ment, ol is the inventor. This welco: to the money-saving inveuti age can be successfully a! parasols, walking-s ;icks, trunks, safes, celkrs, ho: pavements, derrick »r locomol any other like trifle lo which the enter­ prising Chicago thief may take n, fancy. When asked for a < lescription of | his wonderful machine tlia Major, who lis a keeneyed man wit! a large, wMite, paten t-applied-for brow, produced I an ordinary-looking uml rella with a ball handle. "This," he ti.id, "is the pro­ tector. You don't see it, of course, but it can be readily attached to any um­ brella or cane. Inside the ball or handle is a small, clea '-toned gong, the size of a chestnut bell, which can be heard at a distance of 100 feet. The umbrella stock is hollow and is fitted with a slender steel rod running its full length, connected wi ,h the gong ma­ chinery at the top and ending at the bottom flush with the ferule. The op­ erating machinery ia aomposed mosaly of springs and is wourd up with a key which is carried in the vest pocket. A series of seven ty-two combinations oan be used in setting the alarm, the num­ bers being stamped on a silver band encircling the handle below the ball.! Til show you how it works." The| Major slid the numbe red band aroun to the right with one hand, relieving1 a ratchet spring with the other until the steel rod projected a quarter of an inch below the ferule at the bottom. "There," he exclaimed, "she's set and ready for action on the :agires 7 and 19, I've arranged a number of combinations to be used at will so that when the pro­ tector comes into general, use the burg lar won't know just how bhe machine is set and will be afraid to touch it. See ?" He then placed the protector against B»**y Spruoe, mt taut far north, t {think, anywhere. But while 1 t ibia ant, the lesa hardr and much W to ̂ established Hemlook, the soft and graceful of all evergreens, at at least. I e second place, lird, I would place the White Pine, id certainly would, not exclude the rid Pitch Pine. Ii you have the Thite Spruce, you will not care for firs; but as a deciduous Conifer we mot overlook our spiring Tamarack, the American Laroh.--Vtck'8 Maga- y, the only perfect the bar and as its weight rested on the l'OWn 'tre us tollows: No floor the projecting rod disappeared suliivatiug'; better corn can be within and the- thief-disoourager complete. "If any one who doesn't know how to release the combination.'7 continued the Major, "lifts the umbrell a from the floor inside goes off like an alarm-clock. The thief at once realizes thai; he has no use1 for that umbrella and he, too, goes off." WThen the Major was done laughing at his little joke he explained how the proprietor of the protestor could by touching a button resume his property ^without disturbing the peace. "My burglar-proof attachment," said its in­ ventor, "will be supplied to the public at the rate of $1 per attach, which in­ cludes the work of putting it in place. I am trying to get upibre la manufact­ urers to take hold tit the machine and put a line of non-stealabl( goods on the market, but they haven't grabbed at it yet. The only objection to the pro­ tector put forward by the se who have used it is that the would-be thief gets away. They think he c ught to be locked up. I think so myself, and I a: now at work on a device which w overcome the objection. It will be electric battery concealed in the um brella, and powerful enotgh to make the thief yell and at the same time ren­ der him incapable of running away o: letting go of the umbrella. See? "I'm going to the Paris exposition' this summer to introduce the protector and sell patent rights to the French," said the Major in conclusion, as he hoisted his patent parachute and passed out into the drizzling rain.--Chicago Times. Tenus and Our Earth. While watching these graceful wind­ ings of the planet we naturally inquire as to its real condition, says a writer in Chamber's Journal. Readers are familiar with the idea that it is a world like our own earth, traveling in a smaller but otherwise almost similar orbit axpund the sun. On more minute in­ quiry we find that the likeness between it and our earth is in some points very gre^t--greater, in fact, than in the case of any other planet. In the funda­ mental element of size they are almost alike, our earth being 7,900 miles in diameter, and Venus 7,500. The force of gravity on the surface of the latter is very nearly nine-tenths of what it is with us. Its density is almost the same fraction of that of the earth. These facts show that if transported to the surface of Venus we should feel more at home, so far as some essential feat­ ures of experience are concerned, than on any other planet known to us. We should weigh just about nine-tenths of our present weight, and should find dis­ tances bearing much the same ratio to our muscular power of walking that they do in this world; while fii all prob­ ability the surface, rocks and earth, if such be formed there, would be com­ pacted and constructed like those we daily see around us. This would not be the case on planets so much smaller than the earth, as Mercury or Mars, or so much larger, as Jupiter, Saturn, or Neptune. Again, the year on Venus would be jaJao iold it here, finely finished, "able, superior quality, uoex- so examine the Biabop before th broftrf tires. Chi ck Kovrvrs. n Planter, Plows, W«r- <te{ wi, scS £ St About Advertising. The nura who is in any !kind of busi­ ness whatever who refuses to advertise is geinarto regret it sooner or later, but probably sooner. Not only must the business man advertise, but he must keep on advertising if he expects to prosper. A single advertisement is not enough. You cannot eat enongh to last a year, and you cannot advertise on that plan, either. Advertising pays, and pays well. The surest way to add is-- advertise. When a certain man was asked how he was going to manage his business during his vacation, his reply was: "111 just take my advertisement out of the paper; and there will not be any business to manage." A well-known authority on advertising says: "The man who says he don't believe in adver­ tising, is doing just what he depreciates. He hangs coats outside his door, or puts dry-goods in his windows--that's advertising. He has painted cards lying on his counter--that's advertising. He sends out drummers through the coun­ try, or puts his name on the wagon-- that's advertising, If he has lost a cow, he puts a notico in the postofficd, or tells his sister->&-law--and that is ad­ vertising, too. He has his name in gilt letters over--well, what is that but ad­ vertising? He paints his shop green or red; or, if he is a tailor, he wears the latest style; if a doctor, he has a boy call him out of church in haste; if an auctioneer, he bellows to attract the at­ tention of the passer-by; if a heavy merchant, he keeps a pile of boxes on the sidewalk in front of his doors--and all for advertising. A man can't do bus­ iness successfully without advertising, and the question is whether to call to his aid the engine that moves the world --the printing press with its thousands of messengers that are working by night and by day--or go back to the days when newspaper, telegrams, and railroads were unknown.--Texas Sift- ings. wasfnan can tend one-third more tli these nd vantages the price ian saved onafwld of 100 acres, priug- Wagons, combination the rod drops down arxl the business t will Ixar close inspection. ,ve|agency tr» ci/1 fk MA/ta n-ff* lilr/v on nl *•»! aa% 'IMi <-> . IA r < v >• • . r * ftlf 111 CI Ol bnt fteriaL ive ' ig W ago a Co., of Watertown anabling tUeqi to season well } market. v -- ; price cf Binding Twine this ul ot standard grades, I would of t wine to give me a call, making iheir purchases. Also ou hand a tew out at $12 per.toji lots. CfeU RICHARD • »**. . • BISrtOP. ".fff :• ILJaWOIN wwlever®, the handles of which glit- [ assembly and god nose i don't to loos teredlike mlver in the gaslight, andjhym, what shall i do ans by return Ike row of plants in pots which adorned j Yours frat." In His Presence. "What's the matter with you, Silasf* asked a justice of the peace before whom an old negro had appeared. f, "I wants a warrant fur de 'rest an' 'viction o' Brudder Davey Smif." " What has he done ?" "Come a-hittin' me in my presence, dat's whut he's done." "Hit you in your presence?" "Yas, sah, dat's whut he done." "What do you mean by hitting you in your presence?" "Hit me in de countenance, sah; dat's whut he done--hit me right here in de countenance (putting his hand to his face). Hit,me away up here in my pres­ ence." Why did he strike you?" I ain't axed him dat, an' he ain't tole me." "What cause did you give him?" "Who give him?* "You--what cause did you give him?" "Give him fur whut?" "For hitting you. Haven't you got any sense?" "Wall, sah, I doan know; sometimes I think I has an' sometimes I think I hasn't. He hit me all de same." "Didn't he have any cause to hit you?" "Doubled up his fist he did an' gin me a spat right yere in de 'spression o' de face-" "What had you done to him?" "W'y I hardly knows de man. He's a brudder in de church, dat's all I knows erbout him. Come er hittin' me up yere whar I look; I doan like it, sah; I ken tell you dat right now. Come er spilin' my face fur de funeral dat's comin' offdis ebenin'." "What I want to know is, what did you do to him ?" "How could I do anything ter him when bof my eyes done knocked inter one?" "But what did you do before he hit you?" "I kicked de triflin' scoundrel, dat's whut I done, but ef you ain't got no law in dis house I'll go summers else. Good day, sah."--Arkansaw Traveler. * Native Evergreen Trees. When it comes to evergreens, I am inclined to place our native White Spruce among the first. It grows thriftily and fast upon the dry est and1 lighest soils, is subject to no diseases, preyed upon by no insects, uninjured by the highest winds. Naturally, its southward range but slightly enters northern New England and New York, and I have even had lumbermen hesi­ tate to name it when I have called their attention to it on my lawn, though some call it "Double Spruce." Its aspect is quite unlike the Black Spruce, the foli- sge being paler and longer, like the I Fir. It is decidedly to be preferred to arp- ' i i.m company, which refuse to sell outright, and which charges such a high price for the rental of the instruments that stenographer! who have not a large business hesitate to try the machines. What Hakes Wrinkles. "It is customary to say that wrinklef comes from worrying, bfut the truth ii that most of them come from laughing," says a well-known physician. "To know how to laugh is just as im­ portant as to know when to do it. If you laugh with the sides of your face, the skin will work loose, in time, and wrinkles will form in exact accordance with a kind of a laugh you have. The man who always wears a smirk will have a series of simi-circular wrinkles covering his cheeks. "When a gambler who has been ac­ customed to suppressing his feelings laughs, a deep line forms on each side of his nose and runs to the upper corner of his mouth. In time this line extends to the chin and assumes the shape of a half moon. A cadaverous person with a wax-like skin is very apt to have two broadly marked wrinkles, one running from the jaw and the other under the eye. These meet at right angles at the cheekbones and look as though they formed a knot at the apex. The scholar's wrinkles on his brow, while the scheming politician's come round his eyes, where they look for all the world like the spokes of a wheel." k Smart Woman of Maine. There are lots of smart women in Maine, but Ashland, Aroostook County, claims the smartest of the lot. This woman is carrying on a large lumbering operation, besides managing a family ol children and a refractory husband. She reoently made a trip of forty milee into the woods to her lumber camps settled with her orew, inspected the log landings and newly constructed dam, made arrangements for driving our hex logs, and then returned in time to take up the thread of family affairs before it got tangled. She enjoys the distinction of having penetrated deeper into the Aroostook wilderness than any other white woman. A Sure Sign. "William," said Mrs. Trembly, "hear that horrid dog. Isn't it awful." • "Is that the same dog that kept us awake last night ?" "I think so. It sounds unlucky, doesn't it?" "Didn't you ever hear that the howl ing of a dog was a sure sign of death in the family." "No. Whose family?" "The dog's," said Trembly in a ten voice as he stepped out of bed and reached for his revolver.--Merchant Traveler. The Most Expensive Leather# "The most costly leather in the world, so far as I know," said a dealer in fine skins and leather, "is known to the trade as piano leather. American tanners years ago discovered the secret of making Russia leather, with its pecu­ liarly pungent and lasting odor; but the secret of tanning piano leather is known only to a family of tanners in Thuringia, Germany. This leather has but one use, the covering of piano keys. A peculiar thing about it is that the | skins from which it is made is procured | almost entirely in America. It is a par- 3tnl ticular kind of buckskin. The skin of I the common red or Virginia deer will (not make the leather, a species of the | animal known as the gray deer, and i found only in the vicinity of the great wei| Northern lakes, alone furnishing the ma- The German tanners have an in Detroit which collects the R skins of this deer from the Indian and all tjhalf-breed hunters,who supply the mar- Prawket. The hunters are paid an average for'tjprice of about 20 cents a pound for the _.green skins. When the skins are re- tamed to this country as piano leather _^tliey cost the piano manufacturer from H$15 to $18 a pound. The world's sup- 7p]y of this invaluable and necessary material is supplied by the Kretzchmar family of tanners, who have six estab- i.sbments in Germany, the largest and stat Gerain Thuringia."--New York in. . Makes No Difference. In a St. Louis newspaper office. The ity editor, addressing a reporter, says: This man Jonee is a real farmer, is e?" . : "Yes, sir." "But why didn't you say so?" *r "I did." "Voi| "Oh, you said he was a farmer, bat pi»"h¥iat d°es not express it." Glffow - "What, then, would express it?" i "Why, you must say that he is an onest farmer." Havf "But he is not honest. He charges ;hree prices for withered vegetables, declares that his sour milk is sweet, that his whiskered butter is without hair and--" "That makes no difference. -He sub­ scribed for our weekly, and we must re­ fer to him as an honest farmer."--- Arkansaw Traveler. best. "IT must be awfully nice to own yacht," said Mrs. Knowlittle. "You can go to Europe then without having to pay the enormous prices thesel trans­ atlantic lines ask." * THE crockery men always have aom« saucer revenue. Conclusive. Now, sir," said the cross-examining counsel, "do you, on your oath, swear that this is not your handwriting?" "I'm pretty sure it ain't." "Does it resemble your writing?" "Yes, I think it don't." "Do you swear that it don't resemble your writing?" "I reckon I might." "Do you take your oath that this writ- 5ng does not resemble yours ?" "Yes, sir." "Now, sir, will you kindly let me see a specimen of yonr handwriting?" No, I won't." Oho! you won't, eh? And why won't you?" "'Cause I can't writer" The Genuine Shetland Pony. The real Shetland pony is only thirty or at most forty inches high. Those commonly seen in this country are from the north of Ireland, being bred with the horses there, and are larger than the real Shetland, for the genuine pony is difficult to rear. The country of which he is a native is bare, and the farmer is sharp, and when the little creatures survive the rigors of the cli­ mate and the effects of having but little to eat, the farmer values him so highly he only sells him at a high price. It costs a great deal to ship them, and they die on the voyage, all of which goeft to account for there being so few of them among us. Factors in Colds* ,, , In every case there are two factors, an irritant and a susceptibility of the system. Among the irritants are mi­ croscopic germs taken in without, as in influenza, and certain poisons which are developed from nutrition or imperfect assimilation within the body, and which it is the office of the liver to destroy. Indeed, the effects of the two causes are essentially the same, for the germs act by generating certain violent poi­ sons, which irritate the mucous mem­ brane of the nostrils, pharnyx, lungs, stomach or bowels.--Youth's Compan­ ion. . Something to Think Of. She looked sharply at the steak as the butcher placed it on the scales, and as he was wrapping it up she observed: "You don't dehorn your cattle, I see." "No, ma'am." "What do you think of the idea?" "Never gave it any thought, ma'am." ' "I wish you would, so that the next time I come in you can tell me why they should saw off and tlirow away two or three pounds of horn instead of find­ ing a way to sell them with the steak at sixteen eente per voxw&.n--Detroit Fret Press, ' • i v " " t's FeijUtaitles. 'What was Mt. Wordsworth like in personal appearance ?* asked aaSnglish writer of aa eid -retainer of the poet's. "He was an ugly-laced man, and a mean liver," was the answer. The peasant spoke in the vernacular of the Lake dis­ trict, and all he meant was that the poet was a man of marked features, and led a very simple life in matters of food and raiment. "He never know*d what he had, nor what he was worth, nor whether there was owt to eat in the house," Said a blind old peasant, who in former times "took sarvice along of Mr. Wuds- worth." The reporter, Mr. Rawnsley, from whose " Reminiscences" we quote, in­ terposed with, "But you say that he didn't care much whether there was or was not food in the house." "Nay, nay," replied the old peasant, "Wudsworth was a man as was fond of a good dinner at times, if you could gee him to it, that was t' job; not but what he was very temperate i' all things, very, but they was all on 'em mean livers, and in a plain way. It was por­ ridge for breakfast, and a bit of mutton to dinner, and porridge at night, with a bit of cheese, happen, to end up vfi'." "You said it was hard to get him to his meals; what did you mean?" asked Mr. Rawnsley. "Weel, weel, it was study as was his delight; he was a'for study; and Mrs. Wudsworth would say, 'Ring the bell,' but he wouldn't stir, bless ye. 'Goa and see what he's doing,' s^e'd say, and we goa up to study door and hear him a-mumbling and bumming through it. " 'Dinner's ready, sir,' I'd ca' out, but he'd goa mumbling on like a deaf man, ya see. And sometimes Mrs. Wuds­ worth 'ud say, sGoa and break a bottle or let a dish fall just outside door in passage.' Eh dear, that mostly 'ud bring him out, would that. It was only that as wud, however. For ye kna he was a very careful mon, and he couldn't do with breaking the china." • Another old man, who as a butoher*a lad served the poet's kitchen with meat, remembered him as a "tall man, rather a fineish man in build, with a bit of a Btoop,^and a deal of gray hair ifpon his Whenever seen he was sure to be quite [pronoui ced white] plainly dressed," almost poorly dressed, ya mun saay, at the best o'times. But for aw that he was quite an objeot man"-- meaning that there was a dignity in the poet's bearing. "As fur Mister Wudsworth," the old man added, "he'd pass yon, same as if ya was nobbut a stoan. He niver cared for children, however; ya may be cer­ tain of that, for didn't I have to pass him four times in t' week, up to the door wi' meat? and he niver ondi said owt. Ye're well aware if he'd been fond of children he 'ud 'a spoke."--Exchange, Virtues of Job's Tears. "Job's Tears for Sale," is the legend displayed in the window of an up-town drug store. "What are Job's Tears, and what are they used for?" inquired a curious re­ porter, whose eyes fell upon the inscrip­ tion. The druggist in reply exhibited a small pasteboard box. The box looked like other boxes, suggestive of pills and other uncomfortable things, but when the top was removed a number of small, bead-like seeds were exposed. They were about the size of pea bean and shaped like Prince Rupert's drops. "These are Job's Tears," said the pill compounder. "You see they are shaped as a tear is supposed to be. They are the seeds of > a small, grass-like plant that is a native, of India but grows now largely in New England. It is a com­ mon plant, but somehow, year by year, the seeds seem to be growing scarcer; that is, they are harder to obtain in the market. And year by year the demand for them has iucreased among a certain class of people. Have they any medi­ cinal properties ? Well, only so" far ap the gratification of a whim may be at­ tended with good results. "Sometime away back in the shadowy past, some grandma started the story that these pearly affairs, if strung like beads and hung about an infant's neck during the teething period would make that operation a mild and pleasant pas­ time, in fact almost a joy forever to the child. I cannot say whether this is true or not, yet I know that lots of young mothers buy Job's Tears, and say that with their assistance it is really a pleas­ ure for the baby to introduce its molars to the world. Job suffered enough to be of vicarious assistance to the litte ones, to say the least, and there may be something in the whim."--Baltimore News. . He Didn't See. The Listener was about to write a chapter on the professional men who belong to the church for professional purposes only, and who come to regard their church as their peculiar preserve, upon which other men of their trade have no right to poach. On second thought, however, he has decided not to write the chapter, but simply to tell a story. Di*. Plugham, an able dentist, who has Ms office in that handsome thorough­ fare which, from the frequency of its dental establishments, is coming to be Molar avenue (Plugham, of course, like the rest of the dentists in that aristo­ cratic section does not give a hint of his occupation in his sign, but simply decor­ ates his door with a very modest plate bearing only the legend "Dr. Plug­ ham,") belongs to<a fairly fashionable church and is very faithful indeed in his devotions. No Sunday so stormy that it does not find him in his pew; he teaches a class in the Sunday school and takes a prominent part in all church and society proceedings. The other Sunday several c>f the con­ gregation at Plugham's church noticed a well-dressed stranger at church, upon whom Flugliam bestowed a glanoe of slight recognition, and after the service Plugham and the stranger were seen in conversation for a moment or two in the vestibule. After the stranger had passed out, one of the members of the church stepped up to Dr. Plugham and RCINFTRKOD • " Who was that stranger that you were t a l k i n g w i t h , d o c t o r ? " . . . "He?" said Plugham, as a scowl dark­ ened his handsome face, "oh, that was Dr. Snagge, the dentist, and I don't see what in thunder he's prowling around here for P--Boston Transcript When Shall We Look Upon His Uk« Again. Tom--Tve lost my dog, Dick. Dick--Carlo, you mean ? "Yes; I tell you there weren't a great many such dogs as Carlo in the city." "You're right; (significantly) "I don't know but you might include the whole State." A nnnt museum human skeleton never makes any bones about showing off his shape* TOLD BY THE J0KE8& % t-.su m S 4;^ *5- "1 HAVK just made a hit," said Mie «0» . tor who had just stepped on an oraqge peel. A MAY without character is alwaye making a fuss about having it vindi­ cated. To ME a successful fashion writer, one must have a powerful imagination n--f not use it. A MAN who does not think as you do is bound to be a rascal unless yon are one yourself. ^ # CHEMIST--Cider is certainly an into*- icant. Iowa prohibitionist-- Well, £ never knew that. Let me try some. THE lover will never succeed veay well with his sweetheart who is in lite habit of praising the beauty of hear lady friends. FATHER--You young rascal, havnt I told you not to smoke? Son--Please, papa, I'm not smoking; I'm keeping it alight for another boy. JOSEPHINE BEDUBD, the faster, «1«m. that she has lived on electricity seven years. But BO has Edison, and sup­ ported his family, too. STERN parent (to a young applicant for his daughter's hand)--Young can you support a family? Young (meekly)--I only wanted Sarah. HABBY---Say, fellers, lets play cop. Tom'll b«, cop and try to arrent us fox fighting. Tom--All right. Where's • place ISr me to hide .till the fighting's over? FARMER BASCOM--John, I wish you would go to the village and get some dashers. Tramp (who. is dining in the shed)--Thunderafcion! Guess I'd bet­ ter light out "QJJ) MR, SEJHNEB is a very ehaxitft* bleman, isn't he?" "Oh, yes; of course* But if he ever casta his bread upon the waters you bet he expects it to oome back a sardine sandwich." MB. SMALLPAY--More money for cor­ sets I My dear, Mr. Tiptop told me his wife never wore corsets. Mrs. Small- • Eay--Huh! she don't need to. She's ony enough without 'em. A MAN in California has played 78,882 games of whist during the last fifty-one years, and he thinks it is a wanton waste of time for women to paint long-legged storks and water-lilies on brass plaques. "Why, Smith ain't an embezzler?" "Oh, no! I don't insinuate that." "But you said " "He's shady--sort of a fraud." "Breaches of trust?" "No; breeches of trust. He gets his trousers on credit!" MB. A.--May I confide in you." I have to tell you a secret. Mr. B. --What is it? Mr. A. (looking around to see ii anybody is listening)--I need $500. Mr. B.--Don't fear. I will be as Silent as the grave. FIRST dame--What does the dootoi say ails y'r husband? Second dame (sadly) -- Bright's disease. "Well, dearie, don't be so down-hearted. Poor, afflicted John Bright lived tc^a good old age in spite of his disease." CHARMINO wife--Charley, why do you bring home all sorts of political papers? Clever husband--Because I want to know it all and read both sides.- Charming wife--Well, I'm sure when I read both sides I don't know anything." WIBBLE--Did you ever know any one's hair to turn gray from sorrow? Wobble--Can't say that I did. I have often seen an old widower's hair turn from gray to black about seven or eight months after burying the partner of lxis joys and troubles. IT is the subject for an old joke that the father walks the floor nights with the cross baby, but almost any woman will tell you that there is no truth in it. It is safe to say that not one man in ten ever did such a thing in his life, and that not two men in ten ever wake up when the baby cries.--Atchison Globe. THE grave of Miles 8 tan dish has been discovered at South Duxbuxy, Mass., but it has been decided that the - skeleton found therein was that of a woman. When a woman crowds a man out of his own grave the woman's rights movement has gone about far enough. We had a different opinion of Miles. , "LOUISA," said Mr. Brownstone, se­ verely. "you really must do something with that boy. I declare, he's the most ill-mannered youngster I ever saw;" "Iknow, William,* was the low reply. "I've been thinking of that myself. The fact is, I told grandma to-day that Wil­ lie was growing more like you every day." WHIBBLE--Do you suppose a man can be happy as the husband of a literacy woman? Wabble--I guess so. Do you know Mrs Jobson's husband? Wibble --Yes. Little red-lieaded fellow. Wab­ ble-- Well, they say his life is perfectly happy only for one thing. His wife at* ways describes her heroe3 as tall, dark* haired men. SOMETHING WANTING. On the pebbly, blllowy-waahod aea-abom They were scrolling along on the sand, Where the moon on the waves of the ocean Made a silvery path from the land. And she heard in tho splash of the water. As It danced in the moon's silver Ught, One perpetual song her heart's echo, "Ahme! will he ask mo to-night? Then gently he spolie, and bis accents 8eemed noble and tender and true. "Do you love ine V he eagerly asked nstj. And she murmurs, "You know that X do." Then she cast down hot eyes and Mushed sweetly (Though she gave him hor soft hand, tmglOVBdJ AnH waited to near his next question Belrat murmured, "I like to be loved." The Whole Truth. The stupidity of servants is a trial to the most even-tempered mistress, but it sometimes serves to amuse the other members of the household. There was a girl who belonged in the category of "children and fools." "If any one should call this afternoon, Mary, say that I am not well," said a mis­ tress to a newly engaged servant. K!ta afraid I ate a little too much of that rich pudding for dinner, and it, or something else, has brought on a severe headaehe. I am going to lie down." A few minutes later the mistress- from her room near the head of the stein heard Mary say to two aristocratio ladies who called for the first time: "Yes'm. Mrs. B »is to home, but she eat so much pudding for dinner she had to go to bed."--Youth's Com­ panion. British Babies. Doubts as to the success of inocula­ tion as a means of combatting hydropho­ bia, and the question whether in some 1 fatal cases the disease has not been pro­ duced by the remedy, will long con­ tinue to give interest to statistics con­ cerning the operation of this method Ot treatment. A late Parliamentary re]ftrt states that in 1887 sixty-four persons were sent from Great Britain to the Pasteur Institute for treatment for rabies. Of these five died, but the vic­ tims had all been bitten by dogs un- questionaby rabid, and in three cases the wounds were not cauterised. In 1888 Pasteur treated twenty-one British subjects, with no deaths. , .