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A BKMNAEI' O* TU£ WAS, . rr MBB I,, ». PAT. ...„.j^ bM( ef#m» M>4 qaetfttl** panse :3p**nMniag. when « |»Mer Mid: '"iSl ttav; O, jmot loftcwee, tribute to your MUw dead." • hurried an. I followed when , «*>*» the hot and dusty street, ' Aokmm the bridge with broken rail and them ' T*-»-- thi crystal waters ^pd^l ran and sweet. ij £ pT' ' ^trs t&ad louder cam* the best of drvb, - The heavy thud of horsm feet# cJFhe whir ol wheels, the distant ham Of eager voices; the fragrance sweet <>f blosBomii and of budding branches 1 By children of all nations, harrying ail, ,$V>'|M,y to silent dwellers in their silent hocM, TOe tribute of an hour in flowery form. ' gwifr --backward rolled the wheels of time, 1 ! ntil the present was but out, t ••• %nd I, with thousands hopeful in oar Ftime, ' .-Mf Bash on to glory wit h the battle atoat.. .:7¥U" « t •' iS hear the roar of cannon and the whir :'#? rl 4v Of shot, the cries the heavy thud •'ttf brave men falling, the rush and stir Of shot, the cries the heavy thud f brave men falling, the rush and sw Of armies moving forward on a fleid of BioOfl. run, the limpid brook reflect* Of % - The ghastly remnant of a cruel strife ;^ ,«' ; '"j|. creation thrown aside, one of the wrejwS }# « That helpless, aimless drift through p.- ' % am a blot upon the glorious day, K' £ •* Men turn to shut me from their sight ' < ViPhat matters it that I once wore the •# &,•;# And limbs now gone fought for the ri| ,t, ' • ^|Fhy should mv comrades peaceful lief . f . • TJieir honored graves with olossoms wxmtbed, t H'lille vour pure columns I descry s"'i Tells their brave deeds by love engraved I * ijPhv should our partial mother earth. . '& "' : Throw her kind m.-,ntle o'er their woty ^ . ^(Thile I am left a target for the mirth, i ! , On pitying scorn of friend and foe? r. .jw•4 ..j|Fith envy my sad heart now fills, ' ' J. ^'fciVir those brave men beneath the sodtjpf STfhoir daeds, their death, the nation : %" The rebel left must look to God. " K THE TWO ;i|'. BY HORATIO AXGKR, JR. James Wallace, a salesman in the ^Sry goods store of Messrs. Fog & Millet, %as electrified one morning by receiving J|lhe following letter: Six:--In accordance with the provisions i-lttf the will of my client. Mr. Anthony VTul- V Sfece, I am directed to inform you that you ihave fallen heir to the sum of $50,000, not * - Jpayable, however, till the expiration of a 4 «•jear. In the meantime, you will receive the / . dividends quarterly. As the money is in­ vested securely at 8 per cent., this will *7 >.t %mount to $4,0<X) annually. I send you a i. ^tbeck for a thousand dollars in advance. ' '•* ,'£#upposing that you may find its present use i tt Kr ' & > V. A Yours respectfully, JOHKPODD, & Attorney at Law. The delight of James Wallace in re­ ceiving this epistle may b :̂ imagined, litherto lie had been confined to a Salary of six hundred dollars a year, rhich, of course, had compelled him to .live in a modest manner. 7 "Fifty thousanddollars! Four thou- »d«M to tiU6 6*|*wwol his entertainment, eonsnawiifr efcttrely the thousand dollar* which lad bew sent him--and all this in teti days. How ever, the fact of his inhetfttoiee being known, he found no difiteolty in ob taining credit anywhere. Having been accustomed to having his time fully employed, he found in his present idleness thai it hung heav ily on his hands. His associates not be­ ing in independent circumstances, were occupied in the daytime. In the even­ ing. however, a coterie gathered in his rooms, where whie Mad cigars were al- w^y provided. - 4 "I shouldn't think yoor life would be very aatistactoiy," said hit Oousin John to him one day. . "I wouldn't exchange with you at any rate, John." •Yet I think I am happier than you." •You find your happiness in slavery and drudgery--I don't,* rejoined James. "In what, then?" "In independence, aad plenty of money." "I am glad if yon have plenty of money. I supposed you mignt be ex­ ceeding your inoome." "Well, suppose I have. Shan't I have a pile coming in at the end of the year?" "Iain afraid that will only lead to frexh extravagance on your part." "I think it will be some time before I am a candidate for the poor house." "It ought to be; but I'll tell you what, James, though you have fifty thousand dollars, and I have saved four hundred, I will guarantee, in case you do not change your course, that at the end of ten years I will be the richer of |he two. .. "Wbat's four hundred dollars?" ex­ claimed James contemptuously. "£ot much, I grant, but it is a nest egg, and as I may fairly oount on an increase of salary, it will steadily in­ crease." "Very well, yon tnav go your way and I will go mine. By the way, why don't you drop in of an evening? , I generally have a little company." "To be frank, I am afraid I shouldn't enjoy it, James. I usually spend my evenings in reading. It is all the time I have, and I don't like to lose it." At the end of six months, James Wal­ lace had not only spent his semi-annual inoome, but as much more, so that he was now two thousand dollars in debt. This did not trouble him much, how­ ever. He thought of the fifty thousand dollars, and had already formed plans for disposing of it. One morning about this time--or afternoon rather--for it was 1 o'clock-- Jamee Wallace was told that a gentle- pgpifiwgff/j ' M'A SCENE IK JAMES BOOM IK THE HOTEL. sand dollars a year! Isn't it glorious? - Won't I make things flv ?* "What do you mean by making things fly?" inquired his oousin, John Wallace, who was employed in the same estab­ lishment. "Mean, my dear fellow? I mean to 5«ajoy life. That's what I mean." P" Don't you enjoy it now?" "How can I, cooped up in thin shop $•11 ray time? No, the firstthinglshall ydo will be to discharge old Fogg & Millet. My days of slavery are over." "I suppose' you will go into some pother busings." "Then you suppose wrong. With MI ' >• ;• •income of four thousand dollars a year •' 11 don't need to be tied to business." 'Then you will devote yourself to ^some study and cultivate your mind?" $r";• "Nothing of the kind. I tell you I . mean to enjoy life." g*'•.•'*<$&*(& "I k°pe you will--in the right way." ' "Not in your way. You're too steady- going for me. My plans are not arranged, except that I shall go to the • Belleville Hotel to board, and next week give a grand blow-out in honor of • ? my inheritance. Will you come ?" "I won't promise. Might it not be H more proper, considering Uncle An- ; thony's recent death, to postpone it?" "Not a bit. I didn't know much of |! him. I havn't seen him since I was a it boy. By the way, I wonder he didn't s j leave you something." "He had a right to dispose of his i property as he pleased." if J°u don't complain, I don't. #4v,' That is certain." • « James Wallace lost no time in wait­ ing upon his employers, and tendering an a very cavalier manner his resigna­ tion of the clerkship which he held. "I congratulate you, Mr. Wallace, on your prospects," said Mr. Fogg. "If you should determine to go into busi­ ness for yourself, Mr. Millet and my­ self will be glad to assist you in any ad- •K>e in the selection of goods or on other points." "I shall not go into business," said the young man. "I have had enough of.it." > This was all the thanks his employers tecetved for their disinterested offer. _ James Wallace- lost no time in estab­ lishing himself in handsome rooms at the Belleville Hotel, which he refur nished in a costly manner, At the end of the weak he issued invitations for his "grand blow-out," as he called it. About fisteen young men were invited, his cousin among them. John Wallace thought it might be churlish to refuse, and accordingly accepted the invivation, but withdrew at half-past ten o'clock, finding the entertainment fast degener- ating into a drunken revel. The re­ mainder kept it up till nearly morning, .and few of them were in' any condition for^nsioeea the next day. James Wal- 1 ~ being under no such necessity, did fp'dock in the afternoon. wished jag ray mnoqjr to be wasted Jn gance, and M&sg able to other ordeal, I took the c< To my mortification I find have run a career of extravi dissipation. I recall the it] and I shall make John, of whom excellent reports my heir. As for I will pay your debts and allow ft) a week for three months. During that time, I advise you to obtain a situation. After obtaining it I shall wat«b your course, and if it meets my approval I will give you an income of $50 a nionth. That is the utmost you need «cpect Had things been different, von should have received the $50,000, which is but one-half of my property." James Wallace's mortification was ex­ treme, but he had no one to blame but himself. His cousin received the inher­ itance, of which he made a worthy and noble use, and has since inherited the balance of his entire property, James is still clerk on a small salary. WW ARIZONA Catting Down a Dutch Flag. The sudden recall of Gov. Jonckherr' to Holland was brought about by MI American tourist who was at Orange Town, St. Eustatius, W. I., on a visit. He was the guest of the Governor dur­ ing his stay, and one morning while en­ joying early coffee with his host's family on the wide veranda of the executive mansion, told some rather remarkable stories of his prowess as an expert rifle shot The, representative of the Dutch Government jocosely demanded sub­ stantial proof of the American's skill, and when the latter ordered a servant to fetch his Spencer carbine subjected him to considerable chaffing. Having placed a fresh cartridge in the breech of his ritte the marksman asked Mr. Jonckherr to suggest a target. The only isolated object in sight was a red, white and blue flag floating from the top of a lofty pole some 200 yards off. , "What flag is that?" he inquired. "The Dutch flag," said the Governor. It is over the fort that commands the harbor." "Suppose we try it. Ill bet you a fine Panama hat that I can cut it down at the first shot without touching the bunting." Thinking the flag absolutely safe from harm the Governor accepted. In an­ other instant the Dutch colors came down, the American's bullet having cut the halyards. There was a good laugh all around at the Governor's expense. Pretty soon the commandant of the fort sent word that somebody had fired on the flag. He was informed that the Governor knew all about it, that no enemies were in sight and that no in­ vestigation was necessary. The bet was paid, and when the American sailed from the island the incident had ap­ parently been dropped out of mind. The next mail from the Netherlands brought news that charges had been preferred against Gov. Jonckherr, tho most serious being that he had attempted to shield an enemy of Holland who had insulted the flag of the nation by firing on it and cutting it down. Explanations were made, but they were considered unsatisfactory, and the Governor, was ordered to resign his commisaon. mm man was bekrtr him. "Show him up," tngd tfce young man. An old gentleman, apparently about sixty-five, in an old*fashiobed costume, was ushered in by the servant. James Wallace had given an enter­ tainment the evening before, till a late hour, and the, effects were plainly perceptible in his "haggard face as lie leaned negligently. fwyW- the mantel, smoking a cigar. * ' Just behind him was ap ornamental French clock, and the entire apartment was elegantly furnished. "I come from Mr. Podd," said the old gentleman, very quietly. "He has re­ ceived a request from you to advance a portion of the money you were to receive at the end of the year. He is surprised at such a request. He supposed your income ample to defray your expenses." , "Well," said the young man, "I have been at considerable expense to fit up these rooms." "Not over a thousand dollars, I should say," said the old gentleman looking about him. "That is about the figure." "And the other thousand I should suppose would have been sufficient to maintain you daring six months." "Then you supposed wrong. The fact is, old gentleman, yon don't know how much it costs to support a young man in style." "Probably not; but it is a good rule not to exceed .your income." "I don't want any advice," said James, haughtily. "I am afraid it will do you little good. May I inquire the amount of your sal­ ary before this inheritance came to you?" "I starved cm a salary of six hundred dollars." / "Do you know how jp&sh your cousin receives?" Seven hundred now. He did receive the same with me last year." "How much are you in debt?" "About two thousand dollars." "So you have spent four thousand, or your entire year's income in six months?" "So it appears," said James, nonchal­ antly. "What am I to thmk of that?" "Really, old gentleman, for I haven't the pleasure of knowing your name, you appear to concern yourself oonsid- ably ia my affairs. May I suggest that I don't see any necessity for it." "Perhaps you will when you know my name." "v "AH right. Let me know it,*' !< "I am Anthony Wallace." "What!" said the young man, starting as if he had been shot.' "My uncle 1 Are you not dead then ?" "I am as much alive as ^ ever,was." "I don't understand it,* said the nephew, pale with affright. "Then I will explain. I have no 1 others /to inherit my property JBtcept The White Home Steward. . The White House steward would al­ ways be an interesting person, what­ ever his career, and the one now hold­ ing the office, Hugo Zieman, has had an extraordinary experience. He was at one time the caterer for that Prince Napoleon who was killed while fight­ ing the Zulus in Africa. After that he was the steward of the Hotel Splendlide in Paris, which was at that time a fa­ mous institution of its kind, but event­ ually Gen. Boulanger secured it and turned it into a military club. That threw Zieman out of his occupation and he made a tour around the world. After a time he brought up in New York City, where he conducted the Brunswick cafe. Eventually he drifted to Chicago, and became connected with the Hotel Richelieu. There Crown Prince Russell, as the President's son is commonly styled nowadays, found him and induced him to take a place in the White House. That brings to mind again the absurd report that the Presi­ dent is dissatisfied with his oooking. As a matter of fact the cook at the White House is not a scientific French­ man with aristocratic gravies and sauces dripping from his fingers' ends, but a woman. Moreover, she is the same woman who cooked for the Presi­ dent when he was plain Gen. Harrison, Indianapolis. She came to Washing­ ton at the request of the President an4 his family.--Philadelphia Times, ; Treating the Brabw ̂4 The brain has generally been re­ garded as a part of our organization which lies entirely outside the sphere of operative interference by the sur­ geon. It is not generally known that the matter of the brain itself is non- sensitive, and that persons have recov­ ered from severe injuries of the head in which several ounces of brain matter have actually been lost. Prof. Ferrier, in a recent address on the functions of the brain, points out the interesting fact (to which, it may be added, surgeiiy it­ self has been leading up) that in the near future it will be justifiable enough for surgeons to attempt to cure certain brain affections by the actual handling and examination of the great center of the nervous system. Such a view of matters certainly forecasts a veritable triumph of the healing art, for it need hardly be said that there are no cases in face of which medicine stand more hopelessly than many forms of brain disease. To-day operations are success­ fully performed which but a few years ago were regarded as essentially fatal in their nature. It is not too much to predict that brain surgery will form a department of the medical art of the future from which great things may be hoped for in the interest of suffering humanity.--Herald of Health. Teaching the Chinese to Kiss. The Chinese never kiss, but a Chi­ nese mandarin who has traveled in Western nations has attempted to in­ struct the benighted Celestials. He says: "Kissing is a form of courtesy which consists of presenting the lips to the lower part of the chin and making & sound." Again: "Children, when visit­ ing their seniors, apply their mouth to the left or right lips of the elder with a smackijag noise." It is to be feared that this matter-of-fact description of the process is hardly likely to lead to its naturalization in the Middle King­ dom. w» WII for J yotfanayotf GoitsEn Conquered. She (after a. lover's quarrel)--I sup­ pose you want your presents back ̂ He--Ah, no; keep them. If any of T the fellows ask about the presents, I'll explain that they were fully paid for ia htigs and kisses. ; She (on second thought)--My dear, suppose we forget we have qpMtrreled, aad begin. ever Wv^Weekly* It* Motto la: «X.lvw and Uv*" The last issue of the Arizona Kicker contataa the following interesting items: CAK*|>O IT.--We hafe been offered $25 in jbfcsh and a barrel of wild plum vingear to publish the record otthe man who runs the weekly further .down the street. While there is nc doubt in our mind that he is a bigamist, a horse thief, barn-buraer and anarchist sympathizer, we know what belongs to decency and we positively refuse the bribe. There is too much mud-throwing among the editors of the West anyhow. They seem to have forgotten what is due to the position. If one of our doctors kills a patient by some mistake, the rest are always ready to swear him clear. If one of the editorial fraternity makes a trip, the rest are ready to pitch into him. It shouldn't be so. There should be more of the fraternal spirit--more of the pride of profession. Therefore, while we are perfectly satisfied that the bald-headed, bow-legged, squint-eyed old coyote who calls himself the editor of the moribund di9h-rag eleven doors below ought to be in the State prison for life, we are not going to forget what be­ longs to the amenities of editorial life. PASSED AWAY.--"Injun Joe." as he was familiarly called, has finally passed in his ehecks, although he hung on for a year longer than any one thought he conld, After a spree, lasting four weeks, he crept into one of the A. & T. stage coaches and surrendered to the grim destroyer. We always looked upon Joe as half-witted, but wd beg to acknowledge our mistake. In his last hours he wrote down the faot on a bit of paper that we owed him seven dol­ lars borrowed money, and that bit of paper was left where it could not help but be seen. The first we knew of his death was when the coroner brought in the note. We borrowed the money a year ago, and as Joe had never dunned US we supposed it had slipped his mind. We shall probably have to pay it, but whether we shall do so before appealing to the law remains to be seen. 1 DESERVING OF PATRONAGE.--It is over sever months since the A. & T. coaches were put on to connect our town with the outside world. The Kicket has not before mentioned the fact, for the reason that no pass was sent us. If a stage coach or a railroad company starts out with the idea that it can pad­ dle its canoe without the aid of the press, the best way is to give them rope. We have been giving the A. & T. Line rope. Yesterday it threw up its hands and sent us a beautiful annual pass. The Kicker now takes pleasure in calling the public attention to the fact that the A. & T. Stage-Line Company, Limited, has three roomy and comforta­ ble vehicles running from the post-office to Topknot Station, on the U. P. Road, nine miles away. The fare is very low, the drivers safe men, and the speed sat­ isfactory. It is an enterprise which de­ serves patronage, and we hope the com­ pany will have the support and good wishes of every citizen of the town. DON'T BLAME Us.--If Maj. Jones, he of the tawny hair and purple nose will let us alone, we shall never cross his path. If he persists in lying about us-- if he continues to scandalize our private character and throw mud at our earnest efforts to build up the town, he will hear somethin^drop with an awful thud some day. We want no quarrel with Maj. Jones or any other citizen. We want to live in peace, publish the Kicker at $2 per year, strictly in advance, and we feel that we are welcome whenever we drop into a saloon to recuperate our strength after exhaustive editorial work. CALL US "GENERAL."--We under­ stand that there is considerable dissat­ isfaction around town with a certain class because the general public has dubbed us with the title of "General." We refer to those "Captains," "Majors," "Colonels" and "Judges" who spend four-fifths of their time in the grog shops and poker rooms and the Other fifth in abusing decent citizens. If the public desire to call us "Gen­ eral," so be it; and the class referred to can take it out in biting their noses. We have hunted up the record of twen­ ty-two of them, and not one mother's son of the gang is entitled to anything except the very plainest and cheapest and meanest "Bill" or "Tom." They want to let our title of " General" alone or something will occur to pain their feelings.--Detroit Free Prens. ? Primitive Intercourse. B. Andree has lately been collecting information as to the use of signals by primitive peoples and the facts he has brought together are summarized in Science. It appears that American In­ dians use rising smoke to give signals to distant friends. A small lire is started, and as soon as it burns fairly well grass and leaves are heaped on the top of it. Thus a large column of steam add smoke arises. By covering the fire with a blanket the Indians interrupt the rising of the smoke at regular intervals, and the successive clouds are used for con­ veying messages. Recently attention has teen called to the elaborate system of drum signals used by the Cameroon negroes, by means of which long messages are sent from village to village. Explorations in the Congo basin have shown that this system prevails throughout Central Afrioa. The Bakuba use large wooden drums, on which different tones are produced by two drumsticks. Some­ times the natives "converse" in this way for hours, and from the energy displayed by the drummers, and the rapidity of the successive blows, it seemed that the conversation was very animated. The Galla, south of Abyssinia, have drums stationed at certain points of the ibads leading to the neighboring States. Special watchmen are appointed who have to beat the drum on the approach of enemies. Ceochi, who observes this custom, designated it as a "system of telegraphs." The same use of drums is found in New Guinea. From the rhythm and rapidity of the blows the natives know at once whether an attack, a death, or a festival is annonnced. The same tribes use columns of smoke or (at night) fires to convey messages to distant friends. The latter are also used in Australia. Columns of smoke of different forms are used for signals by the inhabitants of Cape York and the neighboring island. In Victoria hollow trees are filled with fresh leaves, which are lighted. I The signals tlras made are understood by friends. In Eastern Australia the movements of a traveler are made known by columns of smoke, and so was the discovery of a whale in Portland Bay, The Oldest Tree* In the East. The celebrated "Quinnepial Oak," at Woodbridge, Conn., lately a victim to the vandal axe, was regarded by Prof. , Eaton, of Yale College, as the oldest ' tree on the Atlantic seaboard. Oliver Wendell Holmes pronounced this tree „ was Ifhalley, andlwtw^ll, IJth© branches "When by the agents of Charles the Second. A twig obtained from this tree was made the whip to punish Humphrey Norton for the heinous crime of harboring a Quaker. Then in revolu­ tionary times Gen. Lafayette and other officers belonging to the Continental Army once rested in the shade of its spreading branches. At a still later day a visit to this old oak by the poet Wadsworth is said to have suggested the well-known poem of "The Old Oaken Bnoket." How often this tree has been ransomed in times past is un­ known, but it is recorded that much money has been handed the owner to have Mm "spare that tree." In 1822 ex-Gov. English offered $200, but the owner demanded $400. Since that the old tree has been destroyed, --Phila­ delphia News. " T " -7' "v Little Sister* • " Little sisters are a great trial to the young lady with her first beau. They have such a deadly habit of tell­ ing just the secrets that their big sister wouldn't have known for the world, and telling them at just the very worst times they could possibly select. And, what ia more, they seem to take mali­ cious pleasure in telling them. If Mary Jane has kept her hair rolled up for two days, to be well frizzed when Augustus calls, her little sister will note the proceeding, and just as Mary Jane has assured her admiring swain that her hair curls naturally, and that it is almost impossible to make it stay any­ where, up will pop the small sister, and tell the whole story of the curl papers and in all probability she will add the information that Mary Jane puts red ink on her cheeks to make her "pritty." Little sisters are always cropping out at the wrong time. They never want to go to bed the nights when the big sis­ ter's beau is expected, and no amount of coaxing and candy can convince them that they are sleepy. They nave eyes for everything, and ears that would detect the slightest whisper. And the next day at the din- ner-table, the big sister will be morti­ fied to death, and the whole family will be thrown into convulsions by the pip­ ing announcement from the small sis­ ter: "Gus Jones bit our Mary Jane, last night, right into the mouth! I seen him! And she bit him back!" Little sisters always want to know all the whys and wherefores. One of them is likely to climb on the knee of an aspir­ ing young gentleman suitor, and ask him why he doesn't have more hair in his mustache; Bhe would like to ask him 'if he doesn't feel bad because his nose is long, and it would delight her dear little heart to impart to him the fact that Mary Brown and sister Jane both said he was too long legged for anything but a gray hound. Small sisters will tell the family secrets with the most delightful candor, and while the young gentleman caller is waiting for the young lady of the fam­ ily to give the final touches to her toilet before coming down, the small sister will confidentially make him acquainted with the fact that "papa swears at mamma right along," and that "we have an old hen for dinner and call it chicken- pie," and that sister Jane wants to get married awfully to some rich young fool that will k«ep her without work." Little sisters will put molasses candy in the chair, and see you sit down upon it without a word of warning; they will Wipe their bread and butter hands on your pantaloons; they will cradle their kittens in your six-dollar hat; they will pin you and your inamorata to the chairs; they will put burrs in your hair; they will sift sawdust from the cracked bodies of their dolls down the back of your neck; and the,f\will make faces at you, and yell like little demons, if you attempt to defend yourself. Therefore we say to you, if possible, avoid going courting in families where there are little sisters, unless you are so deeply in love as to be perfectly in­ different and reckless as to conse­ quences.--Kate Thorn in New: Jfork Weekly. 1 In "Early Days." Somebody asked Unc' Joshua if he was not in Leadville in that interesting period of the city's history generally known as the "early days." "I war dar fur 'bout free weeks befo' I could git away." the old man* replied, "but it wa'nt no place for a coon in dem times." "They never gave you any trouble, did they, Uncle Joshua?" asked one of the hearers. "Oh, nuffin' serious to speak of," the old fellow answered; "but dat de didn't is mo' de kindness of de good Lawd than dey fault of dem miz'ble reekils what was dar in dem times. I 'members one occasion distinctly, sah, mighty dis­ tinctly indeed, sah. Dey was a dance er somethin' of de sort one night, and, of cose, a feller he gets killed. Dey starts out*to bury him an' laik a fool I starts to foller de crowd. Gwine up de hill to de buryin' ground de dead man he rolls out, an' none of dem drunken fools never notices it until dey gits dar. Den dey was a time, 'n no mistake. Everybody cussin'an' a-hollerin* and me laugliin' fit ter kill. 'Bout dat time a big, slabsided-lookin' feller from Mis­ souri says to me: 'What you laughin' at, nigger ? If you think we come out here to be fooled you is a little bit off you base. We'll jis' have a funeral any­ how now we is heah.' An' wid dat ne opens out on me wid he ole forty-five, an' in less'n an instance every one of dem fools was a-crackin' away at one poah nigger. An' you ought ter a-seen me go. An' dat was my last 'speeri- unce of Leadville.--Terre Haute Ex­ press. What Cared Her. ^federn Healer--I understand that you were unable to walk without crutches for years and now you can walk as well as ever. Old Lady--Yes. ' "Which one of oar Christian scienoe healers cured you?" "Oh, I didn't have a healer. You see I went into a dark, gloomy room one moonlight night and I saw a white ghostly form right before me and I was so startled that I dropped my crutches, and the unexpected noise of them fall­ ing on the floor so nearly crazed me that I sprang to the door and ran for my life." "Oh! Then it was some kindly spirit from the summer land that came to make you whole." "No; it was a white dust-olpth ever a broom-stiok."--Philadelphia Mecord. SapeleoB The scene of lnn<?inp at Porto Ferraio was a ewrfeius one. He had. taken the the' proposed decorations and triumphal arch wete incomplete. Eighty poundssterling had been voted for these preparations, and the council had also decreed that £40 should be ex­ pended in the purchase of suitable fur­ niture for the palace which was set ipart for him. But, if their means were small, the Elbans' hearts were warm. Napoleon was met on the mole by the Mayor and corporation, the vicario, and ather clergy. r, y The people crowded around the har­ bor and waved bunting from their win­ dows. The keys of the city were offered him in a silver dish by the Mayor. He Jid not touch them 'with his fingers. His troops then . escorted him throogh the little piazza of white houses with green jalousies, now known as Piazza Cbvour, into the adjacent piazza (Vifc- torio Emanuele) by one side of which ia the plain little cathedral of the city. Here a Te Deum was sung with enthu­ siasm. Napoleon stood throughout the function, with bent knees and a far­ away look. He was afterward presented with a map of the island. Then he lunched, mounted his white horse Tibertin, and rode "oat of the battle- mented little town to see something of this residue of his great empire. '; The vicario's vision of the opulence that was to come upon Elba with the Emperor was illusive. The revenue of the island, all told, was only 887,000 francs. Of this, as soon as the figures were before him, Napoleon devoted 200,- 000 francs to public works, such as roads and fortifications. Tho balance was lit­ tle enough for the maintenance of a court and the several hundred soldiers of the old guard who had followed him into exile. By the treaty of Foun- tainebleau an annual allowance of 2,000,000 francs was allowed to him. But he received not a franc of this, and had he not carried with him a sum of 3,400,000 francs he would have been at the mercy of the Elbans for the means of existence. As it was he did not eke out his funds very judiciously. Had his mother kept the bag the Elba estab­ lishment might have held out for two or three years instead of less than one year and Waterloo been postponed. 1 During the first few months he sel­ dom passed a child or a peasant in the road without a brief inquisitorial chat, which ended in the gift of a couple of gold pieces. He gave ragged boys money to buy clothing, and little girls napoleons in exchange for flowers. Such lavishness could not last. Retrench­ ment had to be the order of the day. Thus, at length, the worthy, astonished Elbans found such burdens of taxes laid upon them as they had never dreamed of. At Capoliveri, indeed, there was a revolt. The people intrenched them­ selves in their village and took up stones of resistance against the tax collector. "So Capoliveri wants to make war with me!" exclaimed Napoleon, with a brisk air, when he heard of this. But, upon reflection, Capoliveri yielded to the bid­ ding of the victor of Marengo.--Com- hill Magazine. Secretary atad Mrs. Noble. Mrs. Noble is really in a position to be the social leader here if she felt qualified for the place, writes a Wash­ ington correspondent. The Nobles are wealthy enough to indulge their tastes, but unfortunately both Mr. and Mrs. Noble are deprived of the main quali­ ties of society leaders. Gen. Noble has no faculty for remembering names. You might be introduced to him ten times a day, and at the tenth time he would never show an indication of hav­ ing met you before. He cannot remem­ ber names. He feels that this is a dis­ advantage to him, and all that, but he cannot overcome it. Senators call upon him every day, lay matters before him, talk over questions of state with him and depart. Next day when they come he has forgotten all about their names 1 and faces, and is forced to ask them who they are. This, of course, is a great disadvantage. Mrs. Noble labors under a similar disadvantage. She can re­ member names very well, but her eye­ sight is very poor; in faot, she cannot see so as to recognize more than two feet away, and theli only by intense looking/ It can be seen that this weak­ ness deprives her of any opportunity that may present itself for becoming a society leader. That she has social graces there is no denying, but the fact that she cannot recognize her guests when they enter her parlor and has to be introduced to them every time they enter because of a weakness in sight, which is not her fault, will be apt to re­ sult to her trouble.--Wat hington letteK lolstoy Twenty Years Ago. As we spent the evenings and part ol the mornings inevtlje Count's study, which was full of books, the talk very naturally ran on literature. At inter­ vals I helped him to rearrange his library, a good portion of which con­ sisted of old French books which had descended to him from his father or grandfather; but which contained also the best imaginative literature of En­ gland, France, Germany, and Italy, not to speak of Russian books, and an enviable collection of works about Na­ poleon and his times, which were in use for "War and Peace." Of these latter, some rare books I was afterward able to obtain; others I still envy him. Un­ fortunately, I have mislaid most of my notes with regard to our literary con­ versation. Certain things, however, made a strong impression upon me. Tolstoy had a very high opinion of the English novel, not only as a work of art, but especially for its naturalism --a word not then in vogue.--Eugene Schuyler, in Scrihner's. Delicate Thoughtfulness, "Well, Ned, I proposed to M3fe Jen­ kins last night, and she has accepted "Did you, though? Why, I a moment thought you had the slightest idea of marrying." . "I didn't, but Miss Jenkins won me so completely by her beautiful tact and delicate forethought.' "In what respect?" "Whv, when I called, she walked up to the'mantel-piece and stopped the clock."--Merchant Traveler. Over a Gauie of lachre ̂< V Maud (who to lovely) -- What's trumps? ' . Charley (who is clever but weary ol the game)--Well, my dear, in garden­ ing spades are trumps; in a riot clubs are trumps; hearts are trumps in the boarding-school girl's romance; dia» Tmssmr merchandise--D17 goods. TpiSE is a dillttinli) between great weight aadgroeer. UfflfrEBTAXKBS stfl.1 continue to inter todies and fanners to i&ter-ced* MR. DANA fully believes that it is better to berate than so be Preeident. SHE--What kind of a typewriter do you prefer, a oaligraph or He J think I prefer a blonde. THE coat-of-arms of the new State f ' ' Washington will probably be a cherry tree passant with a hatchet rampant. Pay your bill twice rather than go to law. There are as many lawyeio clam­ oring for the wrong as there am lawyers clamoring for the right. BEATT--Oh, I have taken your fa­ ther's hat instead of my own. She glancing at the clock)--I don't wonder at the mistake, it'a so long since you had yours on. "How is your toothache getting along?" "Bad as ever." "I thought you said the dentist was going to kill the nerve?" "So he did; but it dies hard.--Boston Herald. Miss JONES (to Smith, who has been out between the acts, to see a man)-- You ought to go once more and tobog­ gan a little. "Why so?" "Because they say it takes away on'es breath." • "I BELIEVE I'll put on my thin under­ clothes, Sarah." "Don't you do it Stick to your flannels, John." "That's just the bother of 'em. Ive been stick­ ing to 'em all day.--Chicago Herald. Mb3. A--Does your husband snore? Mrs. B.--Yes, delightfully. Mrs. A.-- Delightfully? Mrs. B.--Yes. You see he is an Italian barytone, and always snores selections from "Trovatore" and " Lucia."--Epoch. HARRY--Had a great time last night, old man! Took a girl ont to ride with the new mare, you know, and my arms are lame to-day from trying to hold her in. Will--The girl? Harry--No; the mare.--Boston Herald. YOU'RE looking bad, Bromley." "Yea. Been tip every night for a week with the baby." "You wished him at the bottom of the Dead Sea many a time, I suspect?" "Why, no, I ain't so brutal as that. But I was very thankful 1m wasn't twins." Miss DE SMITH--I don't see how Nel­ lie Rosebud can bear that Gus Bloomer. Why, his nose is as red as a peony. Mr. De Smith.--Yes, Bloomer may thank his lucky stars, sis, that your friend, Missi Rosebud, is oolor blind. --Burlington Free Press. YOUNG dude, who has just blocked out his side whiskers, was asked by inquisitive boy, whose attention had been drawn to this very natural pro­ ceeding: What do you call those? Young Dude--Mutton chops. Boy-- You had better say lamb chops. "BROMLEY, my Berial story came back yesterday." What! after keeping it three years? "Yes, and it wasn't read, for I had purposely pasted some of the pages together. The editor kept my stamps and sent the MSS. by express at my expense." "And you're not hop­ ping mad?" "No; I'm thankful he didn't charge me storage!" SOMEWHERE in the West a .sable knight of the lather and brush was per­ forming the operation of shaving a Hoo- sier with a very dull razor. "Stop, said the Hoosier, "that won't do." "What's de matter, boss?" "That razor pulls." "Well, no matter, fo' dat, sah. If de handle of de razah don't break, de beard am bound to come off, sho." DEEPTHINKEB-After all the boasted improvements in architecture the old- time builders did the most substantial work. Listener--I think the later buildings are just as strongly put up. Deepthinker--Nothing of the kind. Where are there any modern buildings which have stood as long as the ancient structures erected centuries ago ?" FIRST Baggage Smasher--Say, Jake, I'm thinkin' it ud be money in our pockets if we'd begin handlin' trunks more keerful. Jake--Why wud it? "Be­ cause the more we smash 'em, the big­ ger and stronger and heavier they make 'em. I've struck three this mornin' made out o' regular boiler iron. Me back's 'most broke." -- New York Weekly. A BRIGHT thing was said the other day by a little 5-year-old residing on State street. His mother chided him for a trifling act of disrespect and asked him if he did not recall the command­ ment to honor his father and mother. "Oh," replied the little trifler, "you forget that that commandment was made before either you or I was born.'* TOO PREVIOUS. . ^ - -1 \ ' "These -waffles, Maria." he said, , ' " As with coldly critical eye ^ ' Hfc eyed them, and then shook Ms "With chunks of warm rubber would ft*. '• And bah! what a horrible taste-- It's the taste of nearly raw dough. These must have been made in great butt, I should die if I ate one, I know." Said hi a wife with a withering look! "Your maw happened in here, you MA. An/i BQuado them--ain't she a gooa coqkf, "Pase the waffllea, my darling," uiA lKa- Noses and Notoriety. ' % j A clever woman was recently asked by a Toronto Empire writer, who should be made President of a certain associ­ ation of which great things were ex­ pected. "I cannot name her," she said, "but choose some one with a big nose and a big mouth." There may be no suggestion worth a row of pins in this, but none the less it is true that many of the ruling men and women of power have had large features. This is es­ pecially so in the literary world. At a literary gathering anywhere big noses or big mouths, or both will be noticea­ ble. The same traits are observable at a spiritual seance. At the Council of 61 Women at Washington the noses of the women were in the aggregate mon­ umental It is the same at a meeting of Sorosis. Miss Frances Willard has a big nose and a good-siaed mouth. Mrs. Julia Ward Howe has a big mouth, but very fine and sympathetic. George Eliot's nose laoked nothing in Plantation Philosophy. ';<i •* De quickest talkers is sometimes d(t slowes' thinker*. Some folks likes er thing case it's new, an' udder folks likes er thing oaze it's old. It ain't so hard ter down er raskil, but keepin' him down is whar de trouble oomes in. One cowslip growin' by itse'f will 'tract mo' ertention den er beautiful roee in er garden full o' flowers. In dis life er heep depens' on knowin' de truth when you finds it De lie is IF all that has been said by orators and poets since the creation of the world in praise of women were applied to the women of America, it would not do them justice for their conduct during the war. 4 r aa 1/tn, 1 j u . i w # T f T » monds are trumps with the society belle; ^ o>earia' bright ril^ns,- while de monas are a A J ^ truth is often 'tented wid brown jeans. but whenever you find him the joker always a trump. . Maud--Ah! you are the joket.--Neto York Herald. You can look daggers at a burglar, |mt it is a poor way to soars his* -Arkansaw Traveler* THE arrow poison by whioh several of Stanley's followers were fatally stricken was extracted from the bodies .pl?dji£&«ed anAs^ tew? f* w'v : . :j®