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' , • " ; *tRAcr.K OF ANDKR<J®KVIUA BIT MATHER 1). KIMBUA. VBt-, th# Union T>ri«on- _ . _ ere overjoye.1 tofiaa that a Sing tbe jnirost < f water ha<l made JDM^(SinflhK tbe night. Tboir eupply , |i was from a little stream two feet Moo r in;'t.«>s deep, ami heitig nsed as WI<1 laxmilry by the 30,iM*) prisonore MM filthy in the extreme. At the re- (•#Weting<* which were held, in vrkch the •own Boston Corbett was a prominent watt"}* was prayed for. The ap- t of tins spring shortly thereafter was "Nonffensel I knoW something about a balloon, though I was never in one before. We'll make a descent safely enough.* That night proved a terrible one to the two youthful air voyagers. The ligntning played around their fragile air-ship and the pealing thunder almost deafened them. Acting upon the knowledge which he had gaiued at school and from the nu- & nx miraculous, and it was given the j merous books he had read, Len Harper of Providence Spring," by which it is < j)flj (lirown out the greater portion of the ballast, thus keeping the balloon as trn t« this day by residents of that section orgia,} ajy,. Believ* in mftriekles? Slrad say I did-- % , fiBfe . But didn't, alwue, Jim; , iM,, g ; w Thar mu a time, verknow, when X baoksUf Hdlost my grip 011 th' pious things a kid ?, ; if Has larrupep inter him. 's; •"' ' Thar wuz a time, I own, when jes fer fun« I'd laff 'nd argify TBont Jonah 'nd th' whale--like yon begun Jes now-- 'nd Moses fetchin' springs from 8t®n When Izrilites wuz dry. . ' plumb agin my gr*la bllwi them . things .... : 'Nd I nster say, ees L Thet mermaids, inericlUes, , *nd beasts 1th wings. \ *Nd Feenixes, 'nd siren folk* thet sings-- .-a„.... - All seel) wuz in yer eye. TNn rrerickles wuz wont. Thet woe Bay croed, *Nd nothin', I opined, Thet any livin' preacher'd say or read, Kor all the cur'ous thiiiRa I ever seed, > • Cod ever change my mind. • \ | Bnisomepin did t 'nd nowdays when I hears - "Bout healin" uv tbe blind ' "Nd ail seeh things, I jes prieks up my ears! 'Cause I'm convarted --been for twenty yean" The orthodoxist kind. l.spcse you 'memlier, Jim, thet interview (1 do, ye jis berleeve) We hed 'ith Johnson's boy'a--*nd lioked 'nt, too <Wo barm ter mention it twixt me 'nd you *Nd this ere empty sleeve). *W±*al, long to'ardB night, wiien fightin' wns al thru, *Cept elioutin', ez they say, A pack of Bebfl--seemed like their coats wnz blue In all 'at smoke--come by, 'nd yellin' £QO, f 'Jes like.they'd won th'day, ' Hain't got no notion how it oomed about, (Wan't jes myself, ye see* . 1th this ere stump 'nd red stuff oozin-' out), JBut quick as quick cud be, a rebel scout Jes fastened onter me. T never knowed what 'twas to be afraid-- 'Nd hopes I never will-- But kinder hankered foT th' old brigade Th' day we marched inside that big stockade Down thar at Anii'sonviUe. wa'aL 'at'p long ago I Leu* bygones Shuck hands th' other day "Ith 'at gray chap that dm wed a bead on DM, Tbo* onc't I swored I' hang 'im tera tree, Ef he flhud come my way. Ijeave bygones be! Bat wlua did soldiers meet Like me 'nd you to-day; I tell ye, Jim, thar ain't no bigger treat Th'n swappin' yarns--I'd ruther do't than eat-- What wuz I goin' ter say ? O, ya's! That merickle you've heer'd about Down thar at And'sonville. Berlettve th' yarn? I seen it, out 'nd out, 'Nd what I seen I haint th' man ter doubt I I'd b'ieeve it, will or nill. That little crick whar we 'una uster drink, 'Nd wash our socks, 'nd shirt, *. 'Ndcookin' pans got fouler nor a sink; *Nnd jes ter look at it, some days, you'd think Twug purty much all dirt. "Nd boys vniz tuk down sick, but kep' a drinkin', , Tell one day it occurred To some them pious chaps lid set 'em thinkin' They'd find a beV'rage theft Want quite BO , stinkin' If they Bhudaxth' Jjord. , Jes made us laff one night t' hear 'em pray-- 'Cause what's the use, eez I, Thet tvater can't be filtered n > sech way, Kofc if they sez the'r prav'rs tell jedgment day Or tell the crick runs dry. Nax' mornin' 'arly news went flyfn' rormd-- Made me feel awful mean-- - Tlttt right in camp, longside a stump, wur found •A iroriDg uv water bubblin' out th' ground-- Tn' sweetest ever seen. Ho disreepec' for Uoses 'nd hiB spring. But'scuse me ef I claim 'Thet them 'ar chaps 'at uster pray and siag "While I poked fun at 'em a snickeriqg. ~ Did mariettas jes th' same. ^4 # '*Nd biggest merickle of all was wh®$ (I reckon yon'li agree) 'Th' doin's 'nd the pray'rs uv them good men iSaved- jes th' worst old sinner 'at pen, ^ Which you'll allow, wuz me. Don't take much faith, I've heard, lit a mountain-- Not more'n a mustard seed-- I never seen it done. But. thet 'ar fountain Come sure enough by faith--th' same acconntin' For changin' uv my creed. --Chicago Tribune. A FORTUNATE CATASTROPHE ^ ----.-- A large balloon was being inflated in Ihi little city of Springfield. It was fair time, and a balloon ascension had been widely advertised as an atttriction to draw the country people. The interesting operation was being €xmdm;ze<i within the enclosure where the fair had just opened. Prof. Alberetti, whose real name was Jones, an energetic little man, was bustling about as only a profession aeronaut can. It had been the intention of the fair committee to have the ascension take place that afternoon, but the rising wind and black clouds in the western sky, had caused the professor to insist on a postponement of the event. "Will the provisions and the extra clothing be safe there for the night?" asked the aeronaut. "Hardly!" replied the President of the fair association. "Climb up, some one, and let them down." If a staple or a liberty pole was to be climbed Jack Lewis, aged 17, and the sole support of his widowed mother, was the lad for the occasion. Accordingly, no one was surprised to see him seize one of the which held the balloon in position, and much as possible above the storm. Towards morning both boys no­ ticed that they were rapidly de­ scending from th© high altitude they had gained. \ "Has she sprung a leak?" queried Jack, looking nervously upward towards the poor-shaped mass. "No," replied the other, as he threw Over the last remaining ballast "What makes her settle so, then?" "I take it that we have< rode out of the region of the Btorm and struck dryer and lighter air, thus rendering the balloon far less bouyanfe in compari­ son." "And will we strike the ground?" MI judge so, and that before long." "Then we're gone up?" * "No! Down! We'll land without being hurt." Shortly after daylight they passed over a city of considerable size. Des­ pite the fact that- they were now near the ground and could hope to float but a few minutes cool-headed Len Harper took time to observe it. "It's Aurora!" he cried. "We're over a hundred miles from home!" The city had. not awakened, at least they saw no one in the streets. They soon approached a belt of tim­ ber and were obliged to throw over­ board all the loose articles in the bal­ loon together with a portion of their clothing, to rise above it. ' "We can't make another jump," re­ marked Len as they passed on. "Fact I" responded Jack. "We're in the last ditch now!" The last words, though uttered in a metaphorical sense, suddenly assumed a realistic signification. The balloon plunged into a mass of slimy mud among tall reeds and rushes.' The youthful aeronauts believed that their time had come, but, to their in­ tense relief, the air-ship rebounded and passed on. v • A moment later it citraok again; this time on terre firma. Len, who had lost hone of his cool­ ness, pulled the valve rope, the gas rushed out, and they were safe. Their first thought was for the bal­ loon itself while they were anxious to return uninjured to its owner. When all the gas had escaped they rolled it up as best they could and started to quit the place, their idea be­ ing to reach Aurora, which could not, they thought be far distant, and return home by rail. But to their dismay they found this an impossibility. They were upon what might be termed au island in the midst of a vast swamp. "We'll find a way cut," said Len en­ couragingly. But with the increasing light , they Jound their situation more desperate than they had imagined. The road was several feet in depth and of a consis­ tency which precluded all thought of passing through or over it.. Only a few fragments of food re­ mained, and all the water they were able to discover was stagnant and ill- smelling. They spent all of that day making soundings, and trying to devise means ©f eseape, from which promised to prove a slow and horrible death. At length, tired out and discouraged, they fell asleep. Wheu Len Harper awoke, it was with an aching brain, and a sensation of death-like sickness. He lound his companion in a stupor from which he aroused him with con­ siderable difficulty. The moment they were able they turned away to escape from some noxious vapor which seemed to pervade the place. arms and shouts ofgladness and thanktf> Rising. To the volley of questions fired at them they returned evasive answers. A week later, however, a party pi monied men left Springfleld for Au­ rora with the two boys. The latter had stipulated for a considerable interest in the natural- Sas company which was speed-y organized, and lay the time their education is complete, will be wealthy men. Not every American boy can discover a gas-well or a gold mine, but all can take advantage of the numerous oppor­ tunities for advancement which pre­ sent themselves to the wide-awake and thinking. What He Called a Coincidence. "I used to travel around the country with a patent hay fork," said the man with a green patch on his eye as it came his turn to tell a story. "I am not go­ ing to say anything about that patent more than that no farmer ever got any benefit from it. What I wish to bring HANGERS OF DITORCE. * CofldM C»«m In the Chicago CtartS | ' iLaat tVe«k, There was a curious case in one of the Chicago oourts which is a good illustra- ; tion of the dangers which grow out of the free and easy systems of divorcing which prevail in most of the States. Over twenty years ago Mr. Tucker mar­ ried his first wife. They soon had a disagreement and she left him, went to ! Kansas, got a divorce, and remarried. ; Mr. Tucker then married again, but in I the course of time got as sick of the second wife as of the first. But as she was not aoeommodating enough to leave him he got a divorce from the territorial court of Utah and took unto himself his third spouse. When the second one found out what had happened she was much provoked aul began proceedings for bigamy against him, denying the validity of the Utah divorce. The courts took her view of the case and Mr. Tucker was found guilty and landed in the peniten- # tiary, where he spent two years. While out is what might be called a curious i he was there wife No. 2 got a divorce coincidence and one that I have kicked myself over a hundred times. "It was in this way," he continued, as he got settled back on his seat. "Farm­ ers have their weak spots the same as other folks. You can hit some of them by praising their buildings, others by admiring their horses, others, again, through their hogs or calves. I had a way of hitting them all, aud it worked to my great profit every time. Wheu I got up in the morning, after staying all night with a farmer, I got off some­ thing as follows: " 'I had a very curious dream last night. I dreamed that I was digging out behind your barn, just on a line with a big knothole in the sixth board from the west end, and I unearthed a tin box containing $2,000 in greenbacks. The dream was so vivid that I almost feel the box in my hands. There's nothing in dreams,of course, but I never had one which seemed so real.' "Mind you, I had taken notice of the knot hole the evening before. Some­ times I fixed the place behind a barn, and sometimes near a stump, or so man^L paces from a certain tree or straw stacfl^ but it was all settled on before­ hand. It wasn't one time in twenty that a farmer would charge me lodgings after giving him tiiis dream. It hit him 'em plumb center,and they were only too anxious to get me out of the Way, so they could begin digging." "Go on," said several voices, as he made a long pause. "Well, one morning, after lodgiug with a farmer all night and getting his note for $50 for a hayfork. I related the usual dieam in the usual way. This time it was buried treasure beneath a stump near his barn. I saw that he was hard hit at once, and he left me eating breakfast and went down to dig. I was chuckling over his greenness when he came walking in with a tin box under his arm." "You don't say!" "But I do, and it was a box lie had dug out a foot or no below the surface. It was broken open right then and there, and may I be drowned for a yel- ler dog if the contents didn't pan out $4,625 in just as good greenbacks as you ever saw." • , "But--but "There, were no but about it. He found the money and kept it, as was his right, and no one ever came to claim it. This $2 bill was a part of it. He gave it to me as a reward for my dream? and I'm keeping it as a relic to show what a fool a man cau make of himself. That's all, gentlemen--all except that I want some of you to kick me as soon as convenient." " What is it?'" asked Jack. "Our salvation!" returned his com­ panion. "I don't see how." "It will furnish as the means of es­ cape from this living tomb." "It's a strong smell but we can hardly walk on it." "True, but it will carry us." "Don't keep me in suspense." "That's exactly what I want to do with you." "Your riddles »ve becoming ridicu­ lous," said Jack, smiling at the glad i uu",1 Kn<fTi! • -n i look which he saw in the face of his : author of thftt message will make began climbing upward. There was quite an exclamation, how­ ever, wheu Leu Harper followed his example. Len was a year younger than Jack. He held the highest place in the village academy, and was tbe son of a small •farmer near by. He was of a bashful disposition, which accounted for the surprise at his action. .The two boys reached the basket at the same moment They had barely entered it when a a gust of wind, almost a hurricane it seemed, struck the broad expanse of gas, inflated silk. A cry of terror went up, for every- body believed it would be torn into fragments. It would have been, no doubt, had it w>t happened that the guy-ropes began to break, thus giving it space to swing. •A Snap! map! The last rope parted under the strain, ®®d with a thrill of terror the two thou- 8D^ more spectators saw the bal­ loon and its youthful occupants shoot ftpidly upward. Cries of "jump!" "open the valve!" companion in trouble. • . "What so nearly aspyxiated Us," re­ turned Len, "was natural gas." "And what's the good of that?" de­ manded the other, his face falling. "We can use it to inflate our collapsed baaloon, and so float out over the quag­ mire to safety. The boys being exceedingly hungry, they constructed a rude bow with which they shot a number of birds, which they broiled over a small fire. Then they set about their task. They small ropes soon discovered the place from which * that wonderful product, of the origin of which BO little is known, natural gas, was poaring forth in an insensible stream. With considerable difficulty they dragged the balloon to the spot, and having secured it with rop«s proceeded to inflate it by means of the hollow trunk of a tree which lay up«n the ground. It was after dark before this was ac­ complished, but they decided to make an ascent without waiting for morning. Accordingly, having placed a quantity of dirt in the basket to be used as bal­ last, they cut the -detaining ropes and shot rapidly upward. All that night they sailed away, to the westward, as nearly as they could determine. * We're approaching Springfield," cried Lew excitedly, about 9 o'clock in the morning, as he pointed out a landmark familiar to them both. "Let's make our descent." At that very moment there was in­ tense excitement on the fair grounds at Springfield. The sudden appearance of the balloon that had escaped three days before, and of the fate of which The Engineer's Warning. "I was on the night run," said the engineer, "and my train was about thirty minutes late. I said to my fire­ man : 'Keep her hot; I mean to go to meeting point on time.' During the next fifteen minutes I was not long in passing the mile posts, for my engine flew along at the rate of fifty miles an hour down a low grade as straight as an arrow. Suddenly something struck me in the face, making a slight wound. X slowed down. 'What's that near the furnace door?' I asked the fireman, pointing to a little piece of white paper lying just at my feet. "The fireman stooped, picked up the paper and* handed it to me. In the dim light of the steam gauge I read: 'Look out at the river bridge; there's a tie on the track.' Sure enough, just at the entrance of the bridge I found a tie securely fastened across the track. Who put it there ? I don't know; but I do know that if the him­ self known to me, he may ask me any favor he pleases with the assurance that it wiH be granted. Where is the piece of paper? My wife. Molly, has it in a gilt frame, hanging over the parlor mantel piece. Whenever I am out on my run she stands before it and breaths a prayer for my safety. That piece of paper is my mascot, for I have never even been behind time since the night it was thrown into my engine cab."--Brunswick Times. ***hang on! "throw out the sand!" and J not the slightest hint had been learned, numerous other bits of advice were 1 was responsible for this. A Modern Tyrant. Penelope--All right, Jack, you may put that ring on my finger and we'll call it en­ gaged, but it must be definitely under­ stood that you are to have but ond kiss a day and o»*e dance at each hop, for you dance horribly and I. don't like to kiss a man without a mustache. I am to go boating, riding, or walking with any fel­ low I please, dance as much as I please and flirt with whom I please. You are to give up smoking, card playing, and wine, and finally you are not to tag around after me ail the time, for I'm not going to have my enjoyment spoiled just because I'm engaged. Jack (her humble slave)--Well, but, Penelope, tell me what I can do. Penelope--You can read Tennyson and think of me.--Life. ' An Extravagant CUM. " ' Woman (to dog)--Has Fido lost ms collar? Well, Fido shall have another collar, so he shall, and to-day, too. Nurse (entering)--Mrs. DeCourcey, little Gracie needs some new shoes very much. Woman--For the land's sake! that child will have to stay in the house. I can't buy shoes for her every six ppaths. from him because he was a felon. When Tucker got out of Joliet he started to marry his third wife, the first ceremony having been held to be worth­ less. But fortunately, before %a did that, his lawyers made a critical ex­ amination of the Kansas divorce got by the first wife and found that it was null and void because a notary had forgotten to sign his name to one of the docu­ ments. Therefore, in order to clear up his record and enable him to marry No. 8 it was neccessary \o get a divorce from No. 1. It also appeared that, technically speaking, Tucker had been illegally sent to prison. He was con­ victed for bigamy because he had mar­ ried No. 3, being at that time the hus­ band of No. 2. But suoh was not. the case. There never were any legal mar­ riage with No. 2. But it was too late to take advantage of this point, for the penitentiary sen- tentence had been served out. All that could be done was to get the first wile here from Kansas and get a divorce from her. on the charge of desertion. This was done and it took but about ten minutes for the judge to declare those not husband and wife who had not been such for twenty years. Then the first wife returned to Kansas to re- ! marry the man with whom she had { been living for the last eighteen years j and to whom she had borne many I children. For her it was naturally ex- j ceedingly painful. It is true that she I had done nothing wrong. She had not I known and could not be expected to i know the fatal technical flaw in her I divorce. Yet innocent as she is she will | fancy for the rest of her life that her j neighbors are looking down upon her and making remarks about her. . Killing a Ball. The true Englishman i3 never hap­ pier than when he can say, "It's a fine day; let's go out and kill something." He could scarcely help feeling that his lines had fallen in pleasant places, if, like the author of "Hearts of Oak," he should come upon a herd of wild cattle, on the South American plains, with no one near to interfere with the prospect of sport. The author says: "Whispering to F--to shoot at one of the fattest heifers, I leveled my gun at the bull's shoulder. Crack! went the two pieces at the same moment. F-->-'s animal rolled over quite dead, but my bullet had ouly smashed the bull's shoulder-bone, and brought the beast to his knees, in which position 'he re­ mained, uttering savage moans, and tossing his head in fearful anger. "Not wishing to disturb the neighbor­ hood by further firing, as hunting was forbidden in that region, it was pro­ posed that we endeavor to hamstring the brute; then his death could be ac­ complished by pithing, or running a knife into his spinal cord, just behind the horns. One of the sailors volunteered to do the hamstringing, if we would keep the bull's attention near ourselves while he made his way toward the rear. F and myself played our part by showing ourselves above the edge of the ravine, where we had lain hidden, and this so excited the infuriated brute that he showed evident symptoms of charging upon us. "In the meantime the blue-jacket was steadily approaching from behind, and was soon able to give the first nick at the nearest hamstring. In a moment the bull, turning on his sound fore-leg as a pivot, dashed at his assailant. "Jack, unprepared for such latent en­ ergy, made off at his best speed, with the roaring anitnal following close upon him, and makirijafgood running on three legs. F and I could only play the part of lookers-on, for to fire at the bull would have been to risk killing the sea­ man. We became really alarmed when Jack, stumbling over some tussock grass, fell full length to the ground, while the enraged animal passed clean over his prostrate form. "The nimble sailor was up again in an instant, and made for the spot where we stood. The act of turning had proved fatal to the bull, and he once more came down upon his knees. It was now time to give him the coup de grace with our fire-arms' and the brave brute sank with a rifle bulle^ through the brain." fttiheard by the two boys, who were , *>on swept far enough from the scene. . , After a time the wind subsided, or ; they bad risen to a different stratum of air, for the balloon ceased rocking and ballast and valve to bring •waying, and rose in an almost perpen- <4ieular direction. « "Here's a go," said^Jaek Lewis, with <• ruthftil face. "Don't worry," said Len. ; ^ingiy.^ "We'll be all right. '•i'2 "Yes, if you mean having our brains fcuNkeftevk* " 'iC encoux- Coincidences, as every observer well knows, are not confined to novels, but occur frequently in actual life. Besides, the two occupants were manipulating : about the denoument. Thanks to eastern winds, chance, and their intelligent efforts, the aerial ship came safely to anchor inside the grounds, and within a stones throw of the spot from which it had so uuoere moniously taken its flight. two beys were received with open -Judge. Where the Shoe Pinches^ Pastor--You remember that the Bi­ ble says that pure religion consists in visiting the fatherless and the widows. Widower and New Church Member-- Visiting the widows is easy enough, my brother, but this thing of making an orphan asylum out of a man is where the shoe pinches.--St. Louis Critic. AMONG the alleged gamblers arrested at Saratoga is John Frost. Now Jack knows how it is himself to be nipped.-- Yonkera StatesmMm ."1" * f- A Druggist Succeeded in Teaching Two Girls a Good Lessen. There is a druggist in this city who is in danger at the hands of two young ladies upon whom he recently played a most outrageous trick. Amone the other features of this drug­ gist's counter display is an unusually fine and costly line of perfumery. For the past week he noticed that two very vivacious, pretty aud well-dressed young ladies who made frequent visits at his store were in the habit of nonchalantly helping themselves to the odorous liquid. They would drop in to make some suoh purchase as 5 cents' worth of chewing gum or 10 cents' worth of stamps, and while Mr. Druggist was waiting upon them each fair one would seize a "Mary Stuart" or "Newmown Hay" bottle and splash the contents upon the dainty handkerchiefs of the twain. - ,, Of course these trifling thefts are wo­ man's little privileges, but, just the same, the druggist wasn't inclined to let them go unchallenged. He determined to head off the vivacious young ladies who were plaving havoc with his profits on perfumery. And he did it in the most effectual--if cruel--manner. One morning he removed all the perfumery bottles from the counter. He then sub­ stituted a large bottle labled "Breath of the Rose," or something of the sort, and filled it with a most vile decoction. It contained asafetida, did this concoc­ tion, and other elements equally sicken­ ing. So shrewdly was the mixture compounded, however, that it would not develop its nauseating effects except J ~ 'Of Might warmth, such as thalaflforded by a pocket That day the young ladies paid their usual call. Flouncing into the store they made a trivial purchase, saturated their handkerchiefs and dashed out to catch a passing street car, stuffing their deli­ cate bits of lace and linen into their pockets. < * The young ladies had scarcely seated themselves before the asafetida combi­ nation began to get in its deadly work. The odor became sickening, but no one knew whence it cam a The passengers wondered and suffered. The conductor raked hi3 brain to find a solution of the malodorous mystery. No solution. All at once one of the aforesaid young ladies happened to draw out her handkerchief. She dropped it, and dropped it sud­ denly, with a shriek and a grasp. The mystery was solved. A moment later the car was stopped and, amid a roar of laughter, blushing, gasping and almost fainting, the two unfortunates got off. The druggist was never again molested. Jacksonville (Fla.) Metropoljix, * "Cold Victuals." The representative man dreailit cold victuals. * He dreads picked-up dinners. He groans at tlie thought of yesterday's cabbage and corned beef, served up for to-day's entertainment^ He sees no rea­ son why the women folks should not be able to get up freshly cooked dinners every day; he cannot understand how it is that washing day must inevitably bring to the dinner-table a miscellane­ ous collection of odds and, ends, which he is expected to eat in silence and gratitude. He feels wronged. He feels that it was a mistake that he was born. He wishes he had the wealth of a Roths­ child, so that he could board at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, and never be obliged to eat picked-up dinners. ,, Perhaps he grumbles. Good m&i often do, under such circumstances. It relieves their feelings, and their wives expect it, and are not disappointed. A woman, on the contrary, has a sort of lurking fondness for cold victuals. She likes to warm things over, and re­ hash them, and dress them up anew, and she takes pride in doing it. If she succeeds in making something out of nothing, sift is happy. And when she has stewed the roast turkey up into a soup, and baked the fricas­ seed chickens into a pie, and made the roast beef into a ragout, she feels like the embodiment, of economy, and she believes that nothing short of a new silk dress would be sufficient recom­ pense for her skillful management. Cold victuals are sure to bring com­ pany to dinner. When there is noth­ ing but yesterday's dinner for to-day, look out for hungry visitors. Did you ever notice, that the less you have cooked the more likely you are to have somebody oome for whom you care, and who is blessed with a good appetite ? When such a thing happens, bear it with equanimity. Life is not all eat­ ing. There is something else besides. Don't make apologies for the cold pud­ ding. Don't fret if the bread is stale. People have eaten cold pudding and stale bread, and survived it. There are many well-authenticated cases on record where men have eaten picked-up. wash­ ing-day diuners once a day for years, and lived to be re6koned as among the oldest inhabitants. Living to eat is tnuch the highest kind of enjoyment. When| dyspepsia takes hold of your stomach, and the demon indigestion gets a good grip on you, you will realize the truth of this assertion. When you I feel as if there was a kerosene lamp turned on at full blast in your epigastric region, and when the numberless aches and pains that arise from, defective digestion rack your brain and send needle-pricks all over your body, you will not care whether the dinners are did or new, fresh or otherwise, and you will wonder that ever you made such a fuss over your wife's economies of cold vituals warmed over. Take it with philosopy. It stands to reason that a women cannot always be cooking. And it is sinful to waste things. And in every family there must necessarily be cold victuals. They must be worked up somehow. * Come bravely to the front and accept the situation. Eat the cold ham with a relish. Be thankful for the bread- pudding and happy over the hash. Con­ sole yourself with the thought that you are doing your duty in eating the soup concocted from yesterday's roast. Smile over the cold victuals, and be glad to greet them like old friends in * new guise. You will be happier than you will be if you grumble over the un­ avoidable, and yotlr wife will tell her less fortunate female friends how good you are, and all the womf n in town will wish they had a husband like you. Don't you see 1--Kate Thorn, in ATw» York Weekly. • She Was Only Hair Married.. The Bev. G. W. Featherston tells this: "I was puzzled by a Tennessee lady about, her marriage. Sitting by her in a parlor and wishing to introduce conversation I asked her, 'Are you a married or a single lady ?' She curtly replied: 'I am only half married,' and remained as silent as before. This stumped me, as I had never heard of such a case before. She saw she had excited my curiosity, and no doubt en­ joyed it. At length I ventured to ask: 'Will you please explain that half mar­ ried? I don't understand it.' She re­ plied: If you must know the truth about it, I have gained my own consent to marry, and when the other half of the couple to make the match gains his consent we will have a wedding.* *-- Louisville Reorder. Too Inquisitive. Ludlow, who was waiting for hia sweetheart to dress, is being entertained by her little sister. "What beautiful curling hair you have," says Ludlow to the little girl; "does it curl naturally?" "No," answered the little one frankly; "Sister Lena does it up in papers for me every night." "And does your sister Lena do her own up in papers, too V "No. she takes them off eveiy night and lays them on the bureau and curls them the next morning." Truly a Sad Ending. Emeline--Have you heard how Jen nie's marriage turned out? Agnes--No; he was a foreign noble­ man, wasn't he ? Emeline--He pretended to be, but he wasn't. Agnes--And so she was deceived, poor girl? Emeline--Yes, horribly deceived. He proved to be nothing but a *ich Amerv can.--Judge. |nder the influence LAWYER -- The ante-mortem state­ ment says-- Judge--Hold on, now We don't care anything about what Auntv Mortem or Uncle Mortem says, What did the deceased say himsellf* From a Royal Journal. This extract is made from the journal of Elizabeth Woodville, who became Lady Gray, and afterward Queen of Edward IV. "Monday morning--Rose at 4 o'clock and helped Catharine to milk the cows, Rachel, the dairy maid, having scalded her hand in a bad manner* the night be­ fore ; made a poultice, and gave Robin a penny to get something from the apothecary. "6 o'clock--The buttock of beef too much boiled and the beer a little stale. (Mom.) Ho tifilk of the Cook about the first fault, and mend the second my­ self by tapping a fresh barrel imme­ diately. "7 o'clock--Went to walk with the lady my mother in the courtyard; fed twenty-five men and women. Chid Roger severely for expressing some ill will at attending us with some broken meat. "8 o'clock--Went into the paddock be­ hind the barn with my maid, Dorothy. Caught Thump, the pony, myself, and and rode ten miles, without saddle or bridle. "10 o'clock^-Went to dinner. John Grey, amcst comely youth; but what isthatto me? A virtuous maid should be entirely under the direction of her parents. John ate but little, and stole a great many tender glances at me. Said women never could be handsome in his eyes who were not good tempered. I hope my temper is not intolerable, no-« boby finds fault with it but Roger, and he is the most disorderly youth in our house. John Grey likes white teeth ; my teeth are a pretty good color. I think my hair is as black as jet, tho' I say it, and John Grey, if I mistake not, is of the same opinion. \ "11 o'clock--Rose from the table. The company all desirous of walking in the fields. John Grey lifted me over every stile, and twice squeezed Bay hand with much vehemence. I cannot say I should have much objection, for he plays at prison bar as well as any of the country gentlemen, is remarkably dutiful to his parents, my lord and lady, and never misses church on Sun­ day. "3 o'clock--Poor Farmer Robinson's house burnt down by accidental fire. John Grey proposed a subscription among the company for the relief of the farmer, and gave no less than £A for this benevolent intent. (Mem.) -- Never saw him look so comely as at mo­ ment. 4 o'clock--Went to prayers. 6 o'clock--Fed the hogs and poul­ try." Charles O'Conor and the Disbeliever. There is a good story told of the late Charles O'Conor, the celebrated law­ yer, which I have never seen in print, and I think it will bear retelling. O'Conor, although not much given to the practice of religion in his palmy days, was, nevertheless, a firm believer in Roman Catholic doctrines, more especially in that church's definition of purgatory. While he was on a journey to the West several years before the advent of the Pullman and Wagner cars on our railroads, it was his lot to occupy k seat by a fantic itinerant preacher who annoyed the passengers with a continued tirade against the dif­ ferent Christian creeds except that of one denomination, of which persuasion he announced himself a shining light. He was particularly hard against the "papists," as he called the Roman Catholics, and ridiculed their doctrine of purgatory for departed souls. Sev­ eral gentlemen on the car who knew O'Conor, and were thoroughly ac- qnainted withjthe greatjlawyer'a religious belief and acrid temperament as well, were astonished at his continued silence in the face of the minister's harangue. They had not long to wait, however. O'Conor had listened without seeming care to every word which had been ut­ tered against the doctrine* of his church until, patience ceasing to be a virtue, he turned to the reverend gentleman arid asked quietly, in the thin, squeaky voice for which he was so note<J: "My dear sir, am I to understand that you do not believe in purgatory ?" "No, sir," replied the minister, "I tlo not, sir; I do not, sir. It is absurd, sir," said O'Conor, raising his voice to a high key so that it could be heard in the furthermost ends of the car, "you may go to hell." The passengers heard no more tirades from the reverend gentleman, who at once changed his seat and shortly afterward left the train at a way station this side of Cincinnati.--New York Graphic. Probably Snubbed. The Duke of Wellington detested be­ ing helped; not from ingratitude, but from two distinct feelings--one that he did not like to be thought, which he certainly was not, decrepit, the other that he knew that the majority of per­ sons who helped him simply did so in order to be able to say that they had done so. This was to him revolting. Standing opposite the Apsley House in the" evening in Piccadilly, when the street was even more crowded than it is now, the Duke was hesitating on the curbstone, a gentleman, nearly as old as himself, made some demonstration of assisting him to cross the road, endea­ voring to check the tide of cabs and other vehicles that was sitting strongly. When the Duke reached the gate at Apsley House he touched his hat and said, "I thank you, sir." The elderly stranger immediately uncovered. Hold­ ing his hat at his knee, he addressed the Duke as follows: "My lord, I have passed a long and not eventful life, but never did I hope to reach the day when I might be of the slightest assistance to the greatest man that ever lived." The Duke looked at him calmly, and in a voice not in the least choked by emo­ tion, replied: "Don't be a ----• fool 1" and walked into Apsley House.--Lon­ don Standard. A Suppositions Case. Plausible Stranger (to honest old party from Geehaw)--I suppose, that you wouldn't pay $5 for $100 worth of stuff like this that any bank in the country would take? Honest Old Party (indignantly)--No, sir, Pm not that kind of a man. Stranger (grasping his hand warmly) --I was sure of of it! I only asked the question to test you. • I like to meet an honost man. I carry a few of-these perfectly executed facsimiles of ban* notes simply as curiosities. Honest Old Party (cautiously)--Ef 1 was minded to get some of 'em jest rar cur'osities would $7.50 buy $200 worth? Kentucky Chivalry. Doctor--Well, how's the ague this morning? . Colonel Bluegrass (on a visit to Ohio) Pm better, but my wife's worse. • "Worse, eh? Did she take that qui­ nine and* whisky I prescribed?" " Well-- er--you see doctor, I thought, being only a woman, she might not be able to stand it as well as a man, you know, and so she took the quinine and ; years he never dodges X took the whiaky,"--' l*hrow» anything at him. .-STUFF ASP NONSENSE. A sJgf war~r fighting the pool eellequ CHIEF of the Fire Department--tl» devil. • , A DIAMOND cutter--the who makes a home run. FOB so tranquil and easy -going a body of water, the Erie Canal mikes many * bad break. • WHEN a man and a bull in an op^a lot are both making for the same fen|p it is a toss up which will go over first. "THERE, I've forgotton my medicine^? "Well, you want to be careful; firel thing you know you'll be getting well,* IT is supposed that Americans' go- ahead qualities are due to the fact that they have so much push while they art babies. FIBST NEWSPAPER MAN--Did you any literary work on the voyage acrosgf Second Newspaper Man--Yes; I con­ tributed extensively to the Atlantic. '?•?' LITTLE ELSIE -- O, take me u|£ mamma. It's so muddy. Mamma--- Walk across, that's a good giiL Mamma has all she can do to carry pode Fido. / ^ MBS. YotmowiFK (at breakfast)^ " There is no bread on the table, Nor*. Nora--Shure, there's none in the houaj£ mum. Mrs. Youngwife (severely)--*" Then make some toast. A PITTSBURGH millionaire named Thaw, .who died recently, divided his estate by will into a great maDy email legacies. A cold, repellent man by nature and training, he Thaw'd out Weft at the last. v, A.--You change your mind very fre* quently. B. -- Yes, I believe I dow "And what is very singular about it is that no matter how frequently yon. chai%e your mind you never man acre to get a good one. ^ BESSIE--How was it you refused Charlie when you love him so? Jennie --Because after proposing once he changed the subjet and never referred to it again. I intended to accept the third time he asked. =>. -,v ENAMORED SWAIN--For you, darling "I wad lay me doon and dee." Prac­ tical Maiden--That sort of thing is clear .out of date, Willie. What a girl wants nowadays is a "man who is willing M: to get up and hustle for her. >-- CLERK--Lady out there with a flashy paste necklace wants to knjw whethlur it's pure diamond or not. Jeweler** , Look like a married woman? "Yes.* "Tell her it is. No use makin' trouble for poor husbands these hard times." ' SAYS a physician: "Good health dfe- ... niands *that the mouth be kept closed while asleep." We have known in­ stances where a man's health would have been materially improved if he had kept his mouth closed while awakft. FLOSSIE (after the feast of melons)-- Mamma, she said, pressing her hands wearily upon her stomach, "my sash is just like a window-sash, isn't it ? "In what way, dear?" asked the mother, smilingly. ^Because it's around the pains," she replied, demurely. LECTURER--All statistics prove that the blonde women are more difficult to get along with than the brunettes. Astonished Man in the Audience (start* ing up)--Are you certain of that ? Pro­ fessor--It is a fact. Astonished Man*** Theu I believe my wife's black hair-1|. dyed. "AUGUSTUS," said Mrs. Henpeck, se­ verely, "I see a woman down in New Jersey has been convicted of being $ common scold. I should like to see any brute of a man try that on ma* "But you are no common scold, Maria,* responded Mr. Henpeck with a sigh. And Mrs. Henpeck is still wondering what he meant. "How ARE you getting along with your work on the piano?" asked Blia- kins of a young woman. "Oh, very well; I can see great progress in my work." "How is that?" "Well, the family that lived next door moved away' within a week after I began to practice. The next family stayed a month, the next ten weeks and the people there now have remained nearly six months." MARTHY--Did ye hear any singin* when ye was nn ter th« city, pap? Farmer Parseley--Waal, I went to the uproar one night;, but durn me if I could make out what was goin'. Half the time two or three fellers was singin! at once and pretty often the whole kit and boodle of 'em chimed in together. Marthy--Funny they couldn't be per- lite enough ter let one get through afoM|§ the rest commenced. J WATCHING, HIS RUIN. Up in the parlor the young folks sat; - With each hour their words grew " While her father, grim, >. With a lantern dim, Sat down in the cellar and swore with a As he watched every skip of the meter. --Washington Cavitol. After Her Young. A naturalist contributes to Nat from the Island of Crete, a paragra; relating to one of the most interesting aspects of bird life. A gardener caught a young but fully fledged sparrow, which he carried to the house of a friend three miles away. He left home early in the morning. _ . . He presented the bird to one of th# children, and it was put into a cage aiw hung at the window, where it seemed likely to be contented, losing its fright after a few hours. Late in the afternoon an old bird was noticed fluttering about the cage, ap­ parently'trying to get at the little one, and the young bird at once frantio to get out. The old bird was evidently the mother of the young one; the recognition be­ tween them was too cordial to leave any doubt upon that point; and when the girl opened the cage,, as she did after * little, they both flew oft rapidly in the direction of the place from which the little one had been brought. It was believed impossible that pld bird should have followed the ener, as in that case it would have seen earlier in the day. " Curing a Hiccoughs " )fr. Smithkin had heard that; cure for a hiccough was a severe fright. Qne evening, smoking at his fires id® after supper, he was taken with a cough, which continued in spite of all his efforts to check it. Presently he got up suddenly ef roil his chair, and called out in alarm to Mrs. Smithkin: ^ "I've lost my watch! rye lost najr watch!" » Mrs. Smithkin hastened , into th#: 5 rOOm. 0 "John Smithkin!" said she, "What do you mean ? Why, you haint done any such thing. Here's your watch all right* in your vest pocket." ' & "Don't you think I know that ?" said * : V Mr. Smithkin. "I was jest giving mg(v self a severe fright, you know, to stop the hiccoughs!" AFTER a man has been married a few when his wa» & W: rJ w' •J&b: • * .*f M • V v ; , , , ^ , . W : • . * W? r.% Ur..^.. < bltfc: W.m-: *" * -1 XA l, * •# it**- i . Li. 'zLji ..