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.mi mm HHH s WHAf MATTI-US IT? tjfc' , AT't .BO0AS JOitSSl What, matter* it., my curious friend, where lies Owr heewdr hartvn- end our land ot rest? ' 0T If, 1>" Iwyond the nznre *»Uien i lower world, God hno\v»> til 1>e»t. m tafot y from our cures, and so ^ won* Matters whether it lie high or low, * offers rest; what more should mortals know? from the weariness of burdened days, * , i i<>f bltttjp longings and xveory bourn, 4*W«< Jeaditig HS t hvwigh darkmiod ways •J- " And teto efforts far beyond onr powers, '*> i tempt " lions into noerptsin. _ i Of ipOBBtaut lnlu r, eiu't b's jK'or pawls to win, !P' spirit* deafened by tho strife and din. < • It matters nothing an to when and where . - We find tho Hoavon and tho welcome home; ; HJ®1 <»rlou» doubt give place to trusting praywr, ' LAisd no •« eak soul through cpoerilat ion roam, i • ' , v>"e st>ek for sealerl-up secrets, hidileu things; J$fc;',-.)>i®no«gb for us, if on eternal wings, J ; ' SVo reach the country of those better things. not thy spirit, O aspiring man, '• 1 "ve t,lv "ftvs earnost workers mast, ja , - ifor try to pierce thv God's mysterious plan Which obligates ) hoe to a lifo of trut>t. • fl ' :"Jotne day, somewhere, while countless ages toll, '• ? •' She hungry henrt shall comprehend the whole, fe»V Sfctaveiibepiirtedfor thy thankful soul. y- 1 CHILD LED HIM. h * f f f ' $ * m r, IM : vk t ' OM miser Mitcliel beard a knock ! ttpon his door, although lie was half •sleep at the time. It was such a rare trent that he could not well miss hear-git He did not stir, however, or •even bid the one who was seeking od- ^ faittance to come in. , "I wonder who's there," he growled. ' ?|3ome beggar, of course --nobody only Ifeose who want my money overcome to ><ifce me." • Rap, rap, raj*,"V*. "I wish there was no snch a thing as •'.M beggar," he said, in his rough, un- gleasant manner. , Then the door opened and the visi­ ter walked in without any bidding. It tWas little Paul Xearns who entered-- the boy who had sometimes done •errands for the old man who was too Jame to go out himself. "I heard you speak, and so I came in, Hr. Mitcliel," the boy said, a little hes- : itatinglv, as he noticed the scowl on t -tfee old man's face. "Well, what do you want, young nnan ? Did I not pay you for the last •errand you did for me?" nOh, yes, you always pay me, but I <want money for somebody else. Little Bessie Lee is sick and her mamma can not work out any more, for she fell and Iwoke her arm last week. I am trying to get some money for them," and the blinder-hearted little fellow grew bolder «ft he said this. '"Well, you had better be doing something else. What is it to you or me if somebody is sick, and somebody <aise has an arm broke." and the old Mian scowled as fiercely as ever. ^"JBut it ia something to me, and i iKimething to you, Mr. Mitchell. If we " oan help people who are worse off than ourselves, it is our duty to do so. You have lots of money, and you would never miss it if yon should give lots of it away. Poor little baby Bessie. She cries and moans all the time, and I feel Seal sorry for her. I have carried her l?ts of cookies and oranges with the Jennies I have earned, and went with­ out any myself." "You are a little fool, Paul Kearns. * Take care of yourself, and d6n't be run­ ning after all the sick babies in the , town. Suppose I should hunt up ail the paupers in the neighborhood and try to take care of them." ^ "You would be a great deal better and happier man than you are now, Mr. Mftohel,* the boy said, interrupting the ^anan, 'Tlie words spoken almost angrily • pouched the miser and he drooped his bead before the wide open flashing eyes of Paul. There wassomething in them . he did not care to meet. "Yes, Mr. Mitchel, if you would give *4Mne of your money to the poor, suffer- •iqg people all about you, yon would be deal happier than you are now." "'How do you know that I am not happy now?" asked the old man, in a Slower voice. "Because nobody can be happy shut Wp in this dismal-looking room. And yon don't seem happy, Mr. Mitchel, and I dread even to look at you. I know that I am a g^eat deal happier than you are, even though I have no home of my own, and get kicked and knocked about the streets pretty often. X can hear the birds sing and see the fwetty flowersand walk out in the bright •anligiii. These things make me happy, •nd then I am happy when I try to help 4ihee3 worse off than myself." The old man did not answer, and he Ifcfept looking down upon the floor. "Plea.se give me something for poor Mrs. Lee and little Bessie," and Paul Beached out his hand. The old miser rfaced his hands in his pocket and * «brew out some money, and then asked: "How much do you want, sir?" "Please give ire a dollar, Mr. Michel," and there was an eager hope­ fulness in the boy's voice. "Here it is, take it. It is the first dollar I ever gave away in my life," „ and the usually rough voice was mel­ lowed down so much that it sounded almost pleasant to Paul. " Thank you, thank you, Mr. Mitchel," mid the boy as ki caught at the coin. In a moment he was gone, and old Aiser Mitchel, was alone again. ' Again he rested in his chair and sleep •«l&me to him once more. He dreamed "Six weeks. T came in tho samu day that you gave me the dollar to tell you how happy Mrs. Lee and Bessie wore when I gave them your offering, and I found you upon the floor and I thought yoil were dead. I rail for Ihe doctor, and we got you upon the bed, and ia a little while you showed signs of life. I took care of you, and did just as the doctor told me to." "And how is Mrs. Lee and Bessie?" the old man ask el. "Bessie is better, but Mrs. Lee's arm has not got well enough so that she oau work yet," Paul answered. "Who takes care of them?" was the next inquiry. "I told some kind ladies about them and they go two or three times a week to carry them food and to lielp them in other ways." "I want you to carry some money right down to Mrs. Lee, and tell her that old miser Mitcliel pent it to her. I'll not be called by that name after to-day, how ever," and the old man reached for his pocket-book, Here is a ten-dollar bill for Mrs. Lee, and tell her slie shall not suffer any more," and the sick man lay back upon his pillow again. "It will be a Christmas present for her," Paul said joyfully. It is Christ­ mas to-morrow." "I had forgotten it»* the sick man said. When Paul returned after he carried the money to Mrs. Lee, he found an­ other ten-dollar bill upon the stand by the miser's bed. "It is to buy you a suit of new clothes for a Christmas present," , the old man said. "Now I've got more money to go with ! the one dollar , that I first gave away," | he said to himself. "Now I've got more money to go with the one dollar that I first gave away," he repeated to himself. " Soon ni have as large a heap of dol­ lars as I saw in my dream. And thin j money will never crumble away." The old man moved away from the ! dismal room and purchased a beautiful , house, and Paul Kearns lived in it with j him. H^ gave freely to all who needed help and every year, as Christmas came, he had special giits for all who needed help. Baptist Cravens and the Electric Car. "Ef I plead guilty, 'Squire, kin I ex­ plain the circumstances ?" "The law allows you to make any statement yon wish in your own de­ fense. without pleading guilty." "Thank ye. Well, 'Squire, I'm Nahnm Cravens to home, an' I hev bin a township trustee for nigh onto seven year. I'm a Dry Baptist, too, 'Squire." "You are charged with disorderly conduct. Mr. Cravens." "So the old gentleman down stairs sez before I come up. Twas this a-way: I wanted to see them things an'animals at the B'.oo or Zoo place, an' a policeman told me to take a red car at Fifth and the postofflce. I sees a car a-standing thar without no mules or hossei to it, and I f-ez; * 'Be this the garden's car?' " 'Yes, sir; step aboard.' f " 4Whar's your hoss>e3, friend?" aiHtti think in' I should hev ter wait. " 'Don't have hosaea, friend?' sez the fellow in blue clothe*. " 'Mules, I reckon ?' sez I, thi&kin' he was jokin'. " 'No mules, neither. Hurry up; it's a-goin to start,' sez he. " 'S'pose you work oxen on this line eh?' sez L because I was gittin' riled. " 'No, yon old jay, we ain't got no oxen,' sez he, snappish like. 'You've got one second to get on.' " 'I got aboard. 'Squire, an' had hardly time to look abont when the con- sarned thing gave a jump and went flyin' along. "By jude, I didn't know what te» think. Whiz-z! whirr! ding-ding! ] staggers out and sez to the feller: For land's sake, how do she go?* TRICKS 01' SAVAGES. |®T VIWLDII» and CCH,tinned in thai c i ty to EUw Th«f Conceal i„ onlm-to 'feat nftor her own cnstom. cutting her Surpriaw Their Kanmhn. An experienced savage warrior, in an emergency, can conceal his dusky limb? in a tiny bush that hardly seems large enough to hide a rabbit, and if no bush ! should bo at hand a few stones serve the same purpose, says a writer in the Vhnutauquaii. In such warfare a rifle which will kill at a range of 2,0(X) yards is usoless ngainst a foe who may be near euough to be touched but per­ sistently keeps out of sight. Moreover, at the distance of a few yard*, the as­ sagai is th'e mosi deadly of weapons. Even when lying on the ground a kafir, with a sort of underhand jerk, can pro­ pel his weapon with a certain aim and with deadly force. There is no report, and no smoke betrays the position of the thrower, who, as soon as he has struck his foo, glides off like a snake and seeks a new ambush. In the late i meat very finely up and conveying it to her mouth with a two-pronged fork. The act was regarded in Venice, accord­ ing to Pietrns Damiunus, as a sign of excessive luxury and extreme effeminacy. >ush ; It suggests a probability that ihe fash- will | ion fit' eating with forks originated at ""the imperial court of Byzantium, and thence extended to the JVest. Some hundreds of years lind still' to pass be­ fore it could be domiciliated in Europe, for this doge's Byzantine wifo lived in the eleventh century, while the fashion of eating with forks did not become general till the seventeenth century. wrs. Tircnty-Eislit in One Boom. In the western part of North Caro­ lina and about seven miles ".vest of Hot Springs there lives a family by the name of Brooks, says a letter to the St. Louis Globc-lJeniocrat. It is a very interest- Ashantee war the chief difficulty lay in 1ai,drn^n-™ visitor to the quiet the fact that it was scarcely ever po^si-1 htt!e ^?wn of Hot Springs lias had las ble to obtain more than passing ^ T>U\cd y. °f thlj? glimpses of the black-skinned enemy I flanii^ fchafc the?,haJe £ire?, te?m9 an? 4 . . . * U r i V O n f i a v a n n n l A a T r t t l t a l < r / V " \ l r a T G 3 1 * *'Electricity,' sez h& " *Whar is it?' sez I. " "Up on the hill,' sez he. M 'How on airth does she get dowx hvar?' sez L " 'Oh, rats! Go set down!' sez he. " *Just thin C ketched sight of a pole reachin' from the top of the car to a clothes line stretched along, and I sees into the trick. They were pnllin' the dinged thing along with a steam windlass. Then, sez 1: "Young man, I am Nahnm Cravens, a township trustee for seven year, an' I don't allow no city whipper-snapper to fool with me, an' " "Mr. Cravens, I know the rest. Y&u fought liko a pugilist, and howled 'Murder!' You are behind the march of civilization, and, I'm afraid, hope­ lessly so. Pay the man with the large diamond $12, and cultivate cabbage. Nvzt! 8 Emperor William's Brother. Prince Henry of Prussia, the kaiser's brother, is the idol of the German naval service. He is the "Unser Heinrich" of the navy, just as his imperial father used to be the "Unser Fritz" of the army, and countless stories are told to illustrate his good nature, his devotion to his profession and his physical prow­ ess. Once when the Olga, Of which he was then r\ watch keeping lieutenant, was lying in the Gulf of Kell, the order was given through him for all hands to bathe. The weather was chilly, and an who was firing at the English soldiers from the dark shs • >ws of the bush. The Ashantee warriors knew better than to venture into open ground. They hung on the flanks of the advancing army and kept up a close and galling fire from a distance of only a few feet, their dark bodies being quite invisible in the bush. Even when surprised in the open country the dark savage is at no loss for ' modes of concealment. For example. I the Australian "black fellow" will sud­ denly squat on the ground, cover his crouching body with his mat, and hold one of his spears upright. In this posi­ tion he looks so exactly like the "black boy" bush that the enemy when in pur­ suit might pass within a few yards with­ out detecting the imposture, In Africa and India there are certain tribes which employ a still more ingenious mode of concealment or, rather, of deception, their dark color being an indispensable adjunct to the stratagem. When they go on their marauding exhibitions they dispense entirely with clothing and carry nothing but their simple weapons. Mansfield Parkyns, who lived for a long time in Abyssinia, was on one oc­ casion completely deceived* by some marauding Barea, a tribe which is a very thorn in the side of the more civi­ lized Abvssinians. He was traveling over a plain which had shortly before been devasted by a bush fire, when his guide suddenly warned him of the pres­ ence of the Barea. "All I saw was the charred stump of a tree and a few black­ ened stones lying at its foot. The hunt­ er declared that neither the tree nor the stones were there the last time that he passed and that they were simply naked Bafea who had placed themselves m that position to observe us. having, no doubt, seen us for some time and prepared themselves." Not believing the guide Mr. Parkyns ordered his party to move on slowly while he dropped into the long grass with his rifle and crept to­ ward them. When he was within long, range he fired a shot at the disputed ob­ ject and was considerably startled at j the result. The tree came to pieces and run away, while the log and stones jumped up, took to themselves legs, and made after their comrades. "I was never more surprised in my life, for so complete was the deception that even up to the time that I fired I could have declared that the objects before me were vegetable or mineral--anything but animal. The fact was that the onn- ning rascals who represented stones were lying flat, with their little round shields placed before them as screens." A still more ludicrous instance of de­ ception took place in India. An officer was surveying the country finding hi3 helmet uncomfortably heavy he nung it on a branch °f a tree stump close to where he was standing. To his unut­ terable surprise the tree suddenly turned a somersault and shrieking with laughter went off with the helmet. The driven seven miles to the Brooks dene. This consists of a little, low log cabin in an unsettled district, and is occupied by father, mother and twenty exceptionally handsome children. Every one is a blonde, with golden yellow hair and peachy oom plosion, and all as ignorant, wild and untutored as they are beautiful. In addition to the above family proper the two oldest girls are married; one is a widow with two children and thie other has three children and a husband. Both these' little families are living with the old folks at home, making in all a family of twenty-eight when, none is missing. The home or log cabin., consists of but one room, and that a very small one. On two sides of this are built seven berths, one above another, against the wall, and they were evidently built with the cabin. In these "boxes" the parents, children and grandchildren lay themselves away when night comes on. Three times a day this interesting familv may be .seen at meals. The oldest members seat themselves about on tho ground in front of the house "Indian fashion," and are favored with tin plates and iron spoor.a, while the younger one3 stand around a rough home-made table inside the cabin, eaticg beans with a relish that is good to look upon. This is the princi­ pal diet; now and theu they have a change, but it is of the same plain, cheap order. They are all healthy and robust, knowing nothing of sickness. The father of this family, who has to "hustle" for the beans to fill the twenty- eight hungry mouths, makes as high as $18 some months, butoftener his income will not exceed §15 per month, which trifling sum lie earns by walking seven miles daily to Hot Springs to work in the mill, of a Mr, Frank Oahagan. The mother, who Las a baby in arms, seetns contented and happy as she sits with one foot on the side of the liome-made cradle, made of an ordinary pine box, with rockers sawed out of a rough board, which she every now and then gives "a kick" to keep the cradie mov­ ing, while she sings over and over again a few lines of some old hymn she has learned. Every one is struck with the remarkable beauty of the children, from the youngest to the oldest. It is something wonderful. The parents have found name * for all but one, whioh I is witliout a name yet. / i t , M i n i s t e r s ' S o n s . "A gbod dAof criticism is expended upon ministffs' sous. Because there are instances of some turning out badly people f-liake their heads and say: "There, that's the result of early piety," and began to feel a certain contempt for the ministry as practically unfitting a man to educate his own household. Let us look at the other side of the picture. Why dwell always on shades and defects? Fortunately Do Candolia and Galton are helpful in this point. facrwas that the seeming branch, was The former affirms that for 200 years the leg of a savage marauder. The man was standing on his head and had dis­ posed his legs in such a manner that, aided by his spears, which did duty for the smaller boughs, l>e had completely metamorphosed his dusky body and limbs into the semblance of a dead tree trunk. at range things as he slept there in his ! officer remarked to the prince that the gloomy room. His life came up before j water was far too cold to be pleasant. He suggested therefore that the order should be annulled. Without a word, Av. tim, and above it be could see ihe words all along the way, wasted--^wasted {ears. Again, in his dreams, little Paul yearns stood before him with his flash- fag eyes. He tried to drop his head, Jut he was powerless to do so. He •ried to close his eyes, but his eyelids Refused to go down. He sat transfixed Defore the noble boy who had learned •toe secret of trne living and of being nappy. Before him was a heap of shin­ ing dollars. ' m °?e °* ^6m have you saved, . Mr. Mitchel--only one of them is of anv ^alue to you--all the rest are worth­ less. As Paul Raid this the money gradually crumbled awav save the one foliar that shone and glittered like the >«un. man awoke and was faint v ftnd dizzy. He tried to get upon his feet but was unable to do so. Then v *here came a feeling of numb exhaus­ tion, and there was a blank in the old man's life. a a A/3 _ sstore he eould think brightly or hear and see. Then as con- *«Maousne3s feebly, asserted its powers <the old man became aware of the fact Prince Henry, who was on the bridge, sprang thence into the Bea, swam to the Jacob's ladder astern, climbed on board again, and mounting to the bridge said to the officer, "Do you say so now?" There wa$ no re~ly, and the prince in­ stead of going below to change, re­ mained on the bridge in his wet clothes until watch was ended. Another story illustrates the prince's activity. One day at Willielmshaven he put a thaler between his teeth and dashed up the rigging of his ship, crying, He who catches me shall have the thaler." Al­ though he was pursued by the whole of the ship's company not on duty, he was not caught, and at last, swinging him­ self by a rope on deck, he turned to the nearest of bis pursuers and said laughingly, "If you are as thirsty as I am you must want it, so here's your money." lie Siruck It. "You see," she began, as she entered the village newspaper office, "our church is to give a social. Here it is all written • *i. , , . --w a swim, xiere it is au written zrr h««» tfor him. -He tried to open his eyes and jpartially sueeeded. He saw the boyish |orm Of little Paul Kearns standing s ( welor-e by. It came to him in a moment. ,' iust how it was, and he reached out his 7 * :«.iiand toward the boy. "God bless you, Paul," he said, and then slept. When be awoke again he - was better, and was soon able to talk jfr: *' ̂ 'with Paul without injury to himself. P, "How long have I been side?" he gp^Asked. and, of course, you'll be glad to publish it for nothing." ^Y-e-s," slowly replied the editor. * i® one paragraph we want very plain. Can't you put it in different type?" "I guess so." " What style of typed* xm think will be the best?" "Well, ma'am, all circumstances con­ sidered, I think pica bold face the atvle oi type vou want all the time." <• /*****"" A Swindling (Jang of Pseudo Jesaits. A swindling firm of sham Jesuits has lately been bronght to justice at La Mans. These sharpers were six in number, including the wife of the organizer and manager of the "peram­ bulating monastery," a fellow called Theodore Freville. Theodore gave himself out as a ' Jesuit Father," who had unbounded influence at the Vatican, and was the agent of the Superior-Gen- eral of the Society in France. His wife was passed off as a "Holy Sister," and their companions were all represented as Jesuits in minor orders, but great men in their society. Funds poured in for church-building and other objects, and the coffers of the sham soul savers were replete. From an old priest--who at least ought to have know better than to believe their tales--they obtained 15,000f. (or £600); while by promising to get the name of an honest bucolic bonhoinme named Jouberit on the "Golden Book" kept by Pope Leo X. in the Vatican, they received from this person another round sum of money. After having raised their funds, the firm established a peculiar business, which was compounded of mysticism and immorality, piety and pornography. They stocked their shop windows with prayer books, beads, scapulars, cruci­ fixes and statuettes of sacred person­ ages, while inside they kept the latest novels by Bourget and Maupassant and the vilest of the literary productions which emanate from the Paris printing presses. This traffic was soon discov­ ered, and the sham Jesuits were ar­ rested. Treville, the leader of the gang, and his chief accomplice were condemned to five years penal servi­ tude; the others, including the "Holy Sister," receiving shorter terms of im­ prisonment.-- London Telepraph. Something About the Fork. It seems clear enough, in the light of negative evidence, that the few forks included in the silverware of the middle ages were not used as forks are used to­ day. Since Pitched forks served as spits and for holding roasts, it is prob- able that the highborn lords and ladies of those times, who only appear to have possessed these instruments, used their silver forks for toasting their bread at the breakfast-room fire. There is some direct evidence that they were employed to hoid substances particularly disa­ greeable or inconvenient to handle, as toasted chee-te, which would leave an unpleasant smell; or sticky sugared dainties; or soft fruits, the juice of which would stain the fingers, Only one incident is related of the use of the fork in the nineteenth-cen­ tury fashion. This was by a noble lady of Byzantium who had married a doge the sons of clergymen have outnum­ bered any other class of families in their contributions to the roll of eminent sci­ entists. • Among sons of pastors were Agassiz, Berzelius, Boeliaave, Encke, Euler, Dinnaeus, Olders, and a host of others. Hallam, Hobbes, Emerson, Sismondi were pastors' sons, as were Jonathan Edwards, Whately, Robert Hall, the Wesleys, the Beechers, the Spurgeons; and among poets, Cowper, Thompson, Coleridge, Lowell, Tennyson, Mont­ gomery, and others. In literature and philosophy the roll of ministers' sons is large. Beid, Brown, Bentham, Cudworth, Abercrombie, Dugald, Stewart, Sterne, Hazlitt, Em­ erson, Matthew Arnold, Thackeray, Bancroft, Holmes, Kingsley, Lockhar, Sir Christopher Wren, Sir Joshua Rey­ nolds, Lord Nelson were pastors' sons, while Mrs. Trollope, Mrs. Barbauld, the Browns, Jane Taylor, Mrs. Stowe were ministers' daughters. In the cases where ministers' sons turn out badly the ministry is not at fault. If their fathers had been shoe* makers the result would have been just the same,--Jewish Messenger. ' • A Faithful Dog. There is a little story in the London papers which may have escaped the at­ tention of most readers, but it is one to which a genius like Victor Hugo's might give an imperishable place in the mem­ ories of man. At 4 o'clock one morning a police constable found three boys lying asleep in a disused ropeyard in Southwark. A large mongrel terrier was lying on the boys, who were all fast asleep. The dog was at once coverlet and guardian, and when the constable approached, his attitude became so menaciug that the boys had to be awak­ ened before the officer dared approaoh them. Two of the boys Were sent home, and the third, a boy of 14, hav­ ing no home but the streets of London, was sent to the workhouse. The story of the mongrel terrier is better worth telling than most of the speeches in Parliament are worth repeating. Salve for Tender Conscience*. When you think you have committed a little sin, it is comforting (albeirt some little disappointing) to find that, after all, you have bqjgn acting in the most lngh-handcd manner. It appears it is not wicked to say "I don't care a ." The word does not carry a final "n," and that little letter makes all the difference between sinfulness and mere scorn. The word you u»e is "dam," which means an Oriental copper coin of exceedingly fractional value. Thus, "I don't care a " only means "I don't care the twenty-fifth part ot a farthing." So, at least, the cursory reader has been in­ fo rmed in the Utandard, But what did the Duke of Wellington mean when he was wont to say "I don't care a two* penny- ?" ^Ult Adum uad Kvo were t>orn gambUll Is ati imny to prove a» to say; were caaght, at a gamo lu th« girdML One afternoon a number of us were sitting on the verandah of the town tav­ ern in a town in Indiana, when a farmer drove up with some bag* of apples to sell. It was plain enough to all that he was a drinking man, and after looking him over the Major said: "Human nature, when under the in­ fluence of liquor, is .a queer thing." "Yes,"replied two or three, as in duty bound. "Some men, as they come under the influence break down and weep, while others become ugly and want to fight. I can read that man's character like a book. Get him half drunk and he would fall to weeping." "I don't know about that," replied one of the crowd. "I think he would be inclined to raise a row." "Beg pardon, but I never yet made a mistake," said the Major. "I think you have in thin case," pro­ tested the other. "I will prove, sir, that I have not."* The farmer was already in the bar­ room and had just taken a drink when the Major entered, had a little talk on agricultural matters, and invited him to drink again. "Thanks. Don't keer 'f I do," was the answer, as he poured out and'swal- lowed four fingers of old rye. He began to feel it right off, and com* menced bragging and boasting. He forgot his- errand entirely, and after wrangling with the landlord for a quarter of an hour, getting drunker all the while, ho came out on the verandah looking as ugly as a bear with sore feet. "Where in blazes is that red-headed, lop-shouldered old scarecrow who was asking me about corn?" he demanded. "I'm the individual." replied the Major. "Oli, you are! Then I kin liok you with my ears pinned back! Say, you insulted me!" "Oh, no, sir." "Yes, you did, and I'm going to liok you for it!" With that he grabbed the' Major, chair and all, and flung both over the railing to the ground, and was going after them to drive our man into the ground when prevented. It took a oon- stable and two citizens to arrest him, and when he had sobered up a little he tore out one wall of the town lock-up and went home whooping like an In­ dian. "How is it, Major?" was asked of the character reader as we got him to bed and rubbed liniment on his back and shoulders. "Well, boys," he faintly replied, "I don't believe I was mistaken in the man, but the landlord must have given him the wrong stuff. I thought at the time that it smelled like chain light­ ning playing circus in an old hay mow, and now I believe it was. Do you find any broken ribs sticking out?"--Neio York Sun. Not Willing to Help a Business Man. "I would like to get a stamp," said a gentleman as he entered a little Division street store with a sign of "Postage stamps for sale" in the window. \ "Yessir--don't want to get a pur of dose kid gloves, I s'pose ?" "No, I believe not." " Jes got some new vons--only 40 cents a pair." "No, I don't care for any." "Haf a look at my Derby hats--dose latest shapes with red linings--von dol­ lar." "No, nothing but a stamp. i " Ve keeps de boss 50-cent white shirt in de city--no troubles to show dose goots." "No." "Vouldn't care for dese button shoes at von-dwenty-fife, neider?" "No, sir; I say I want a postage stamp if you keep them." "Veil, all right. Ve haf a fine stock of dose vasli tie3 at 0 cents if you vant to look. No? Ikov!" and a small boy made a mysterious appearance in the back of the store; "Ikey, gif dis feller a bostage stamp--he ain'd paid for it." Then he added as he turned away: "Some peoples seem to t'ink we can lif off der brofit on dose green stamps, bat st aind't so."--New York Tribune. -- The (iirl Was Forgiven. I received a letter yesterday which demonstrated that reform homes do some very effectual work. Last spring I employed a nurse girl of 17, and she was somewhat of a daisy in her way un­ til she grew weary, which happened just when it was most unpleasant to happen. She left and took a very elab­ orate, costly basket. Small things wil irritate even great men, and this exas­ perated me. I tried every method to find that girl and basket, even to a private detective. In vain, though, but this letter came and said: "Dear Sir--I am at St. 's home, and the sisters have been so good. I am so sorry that x took your basket: won't you please drop me your address on a card, so lean briDg it back? And won't you let me come and see the baby, too, for I know it's pretty." I relented at once, but my esteemed wife only read the first part of the letter, and sorrowfully declared she could not Then she turned the letter over and finished it. "I don't know but what you might write her that she may--come and see the baby anyway, and--never mind the basket, hubby." What mamma doesn't know the worth of flattery.--St. Louis Globe Democrat. Not so Bab as That. "Husband, I've got a very sericus thing to tell you." "What is it, Laura?"' "Oh, it's dreadful, it's about Johnny." " What has he been doing ?" "Well, he came into the house this morning, and what do you think--he was chewing tobacco." "P'sliaw! Don't give me such a turn again, Laura. I didn't know but he had been chewing gum."--New York News. Give Her a Chanee. "What is the refrain of the song you are singing?" said Jinksby, interrupt­ ing his room-mate. "But the letter that she longed for never came," was the reply in a tone of annoyance. t "Well, keep still a minute, maybe the postman's around the corner now waiting for you to get through singing. Why don't you give the girl a chftjuce for her letter?" , -- - v - A Piesslng Engagement* Tom --In a hurry, Jack ? Where are you going? Jack (a newspaper man)--I have a pressing engagement for this evening, Tom. "Not at the office?" "No; I go to see my best girl every Thursday evening, you know. Good ave." NATURE, like men, begins her fatl by Melinda looks at her account-book, held open on her knee asf she sits before the fire, and sighs deeply. How things do mount up! What a dreadfully large sum she has spent daring the year, and what a large part of it has gone for things she does not care anything about! It is really very strange. People have warned her, ever since she was a little girl, that.the nice things of life were expensive, and that she must, cultivate a taste for simplicity,and beware of extravagance. She supposed they were right, too, until she began to keep her own accounts; but now she knows better. She has discovered that it is not luxuries that rxe expensive; it is necessaries. She glances down the last column of the little red leather account-book. Ten cents for soda; 50 for candy; $2 for gloves! Well, thov were her best, and perfect beauties, and jast matched her dress, and-they are not quite worn out yet. Perhaps she might have bought _ pair for $1.50, but she would not have enjoyed them every time she put them on, as she has those lovely, soft, gray gloves; and, honestly, she is glad she did not. Two dollars for a thing of beauty that is a joy as long as it lasts may be a little extravagant, but surely it is not so bad as this item just below-- five dollars for boots, and nobody would think of scolding her for that. Yet she bates these boots--horrid, heavy things! --nearly as much as she likes the gloves. It gave her an actual pang when she handed out a beautiful, new, crisp five- dollar bill in payment for them, but she had to clo it. Her other pair were all worn sidewise at the heel, and bulgy at the joint, and thin at the toe, "and wouldn't have lasted" another week. There could have l>een no doubt of the necessity, yet she still resents the ex­ penditure. She never once thought of the money she paid for those elegant, long, cling­ ing, perfectly fitting gray kids, and she would have given $5 for them as readily as $2, if the clerk had asked it. But $5 for boots! Winter boots! Clumping boots! Ugly boots! Boots without an attractive feature anywhere about them, and that crippled her for a week to break in. Why, for the same amount she might have had a satin fan, or a new muff, or a lace handkerchief, or ;tave gone to five matinees, or bought three or four new books. But it is of no use reckoning up the lively things she might have bought-- and, instead of any of them, all she hai to show for her money is boots! There is, she concludes, no reason or justice in the adjustment of prices, and this world is a puzzling place. But this she knows: when she gets up a copy-book, there will be no "Cultivate a Taste for Simplicity" or "Beware of Extravagance" in it to mislead the ris­ ing generation; they shall learn instead to "Economize in What is Necessary, in Order to En j«y the Beautiful Sur­ plus."--Youth's" Companion. The World's Greatest Orchard. The greatest orchard in the world is located in the valley of the Sacramento, in California, and covers 1,500 acres of land. Its owner, Gen. John Bidwell, is one of the early pioneers, an old associ­ ate of Gen. Freemont, and crossed the plains in 1841. Nearly 200 acres are planted in peaches, 100 acres are set apart for plums and prunes, whioh are superior to any raised in any other por­ tion of the globe, several thousand pear trees form a grand orchard in them­ selves, there are 5,000 apple trees, be­ tween sixty and seventy acres are cov­ ered with apricot trees, the cherry trees number 2,350, while there is a great number of each of almond, fig, necta­ rine, orange, olive, quince, walnut, chestnut, and pecan trees. The vineyard covers 200 acres, and the varieties mostly grown are white muscat, which numbers 57,213 vines, black' Hamburg, flame and blue tokays, emperor, rose of Peru, and black Mo­ rocco. There are three large packing houses for handling the fruit. Driers are not used, a% owing to the dry cli­ mate, the fruit and raisins are all enred in the sun. Immense quantities of the fruit are canned, and for this purpose a mammoth building was constructed, where 200 persons are given employ­ ment. During the rush of the peach and apricot season a much larger num­ ber is added. To pick, box, and dry the fruits in the orchard 300 men are employed, so that this mammoth or­ chard alone gives employment to 500 persons. During the present season five car loads of fre«h, dried, and canned fruits were shipped daily. The soil is a rich, sandy loam, and the trees are grow^ without irrigation. ' A "Settlei4" for Mrs. X. The other day we overheard a table conversation substantially like this; "What, dear, you haven't heard about it?" •. "No, dearie, not a word." " Why, you see. Mrs. X (a very prom­ inent lady) tried to get Mrs. Z's (an­ other very prominent lady) cook away from her and actually went to Mrs. Z's house when Mrs. Z was away and of­ fered the cook more money." "My, my! What did Mrs. Z do about it ?" Well, the next time they met, at a state dinner Mrs. Z didn't notice her. Somebody who sat between them said: 'Mrs. Z you know Mrs. X do you not ?' 'N-n-no,' said Mrs. Z, 'I believe not. She sometimes calls on my cook, I un­ derstand, but I believe we do not ex­ change those courtesios. Waiter, an­ other of the breadstioks, please."-- Wanking ton Post. . Buffalo Extermination. Twenty years ago there roamed OVeft the plains and mountains of the far West nearly 8,000.000 buffaloes. To-day there are less than 500 head of the animals in existence. There are but eighty-five head of wild buffaloes, 394 alive in captivity, and about 200 under the protection of the government in Yellowstone Park. There is also said to be about 550 head in the British possessions north of Montana, but this is rumor. Of the eighty-five head of wiid buf­ faloes which are known to exist, twenty- five are in Texas, twenty in Colorado, twenty-six in Wyoming, ten iu Montana and four in Dakota. The statistic# have been carefully gathered by the officers of the Smithsonian Institution, and it is absolutely known that the number stated comprises all the wild buffaloes of the world. The skeletons of the numerous herds of a score of vears ago are bleaching on the Western plains, "a tribute to the powers of the American Nimrod.-- H culling ton Post. IF men will have no care for the fu­ ture they will soon have sorrow for the wan* or the mm. Cotmr in banc--sparking a femata teller. THE dry goods clerk can goon a teal every time he sells a yard of muslin. REGINALD writes for light on the sub­ ject of making love. You don't need any light on that subject, Ifegiuand; A ia better in the dark. * "YOU'RE not working,"said the coad>. man to the cook. "What's tho matte*! were you discharged?" "Yes; 1 went from the frying pan to the fire." " MINISTER--(to bad boy) -- Johnny, you should be good--like my little Tommy. Johnny--He don't dare to be anything olse--you've got too many sli pers. IGNORAHT Maiden -- Mr. Marshara must be a model husband. "Why so?" " He is so attentive to other women, vou know, he must be aperfoct slave to'hia wife." CLARA fpatronizSgly)--It's a good plan foi? a person in society to trv at least to look wise. Debutante--True! But don't you sometimes find it hard to do so. 1 THE limits reached at last--"El# vated" guard--Please step forward^ there! Faint voice (from the distanoe) --I can't. They won't let us on tha engine. SMITH--The City of Paris, I heat consumes more coal than any other ship. Jones--That's a mistake. Smitli --What ship beats it, then ? Jones- Courtship. HER Old Man--And could you sup* port my daughter, sir? Her lover--1 have two strong arms. Her Old Man-** But can they support her? Her lovor --They often have, sir. "WHY should I be compelled to pay extra for bringing things over from Europe in my trunk ?" said a traveler. "Simply as a matter of duty," was tha reply of the customs officer. AN Irish woman, who had married | second husband, said: "Oh, how happy poor Charles would be if be could only see by what an agreeabla gentleman he has been replaced!" "TALK about absent nundedness,* said a citizen to-day, "Why, • whoa I was a boy I worked for a man who was so absent minded that he dis* charged me three times in one week and^ paid me a week's wages each time." A HARLEM man who keeps a livery stable had a mule for sale, and, hear# ing that a friend in town wanted to buy one, he sent him the following note; "Dear friend--If you are looking for a A1 mule, don't forget me. Yours," etc. < SUNDAY School Visitor--Now, if any little boy wants to ask me a question, I will be glad to tell him all I know. Ah f what is it, little boy? Little boy- Say, does a straight flush beat four«;, when there ain't any agreement before the deal? 5 "WHAT makes yon feel so happy, Fred? Heard good news?" "Yes. Overheard my wife tell a neighbor this morning that instead of getting a ' new bonnet this fall she intended to trim up her last year's hat and save $10; * Ten dollars will pay for 200 beers." INDIGNANT Physician -- Man, what have you done? You sent my patient the wrong prescription, and it killed him. Druggist--Veil, vhat vas de# matter mit you? Last veek I send your odder patient der righd berscrip- tion, and dot killed him. How can., somebody blease sooch a man? "MAMMA, what's hereditary?" asked Robbie, laboriously tripping over the syllables of the long word. "Why, it is--it is anything you get from your father or me," replied the mother, a little puzzled for a definition suited to his years. Silence for two minutes.. Then, ma," Bobbie asked, "is spank­ ing heriditary ?" ^ MRS. FASTIDYUS( mother of a model of modesty)--Yes; my Mariar is without doubt the most modest girl I ever saw. Mrs. Loud--Well. Is she too modest to appear in the street in undressed kids? Mrs. F.--No; but ac* tually she blushes when asked to change her mind, and wiii not do it when anybody is by. A FRENCH physician says that to allay anguish there is a great advantage in crying, especially during the opera­ tion. And lie is entirely right Any intelligent boy will testify that during the operation of applying the maternal slipper to the youthful trousers, good, vigorous crying will shorten the opera­ tion and diminish the pain by at le. 't We-haU. T : PHILOPENA. {< F ^ IF They ate a philopena, •.* . j, . ;, Yes and no she must not And he must not take anything From her the livelong day. ' 'j" They strolled into the garden-- / ' • The moon was shining ao, 1 t, could not help but ask her, j v * ' "WiltbeminoV Oh, don't say No|r' . v "I can't say yes," she answered, s < "Nor yet can I say No; • But thine I'll be. Dost takauuf Philopena! Let me go 1" ---Life. M j '& -w * llis First Lesson in Parsing. One of the juveniles, though consid* erably advanced, presented himself not long since for admission to an uptown', school. He was shown a seat, and in the course of the morning the master re-* solved to enter into a little examination;, of the youth's capacities and knowledge; prior to assigning him to a class. Call--' ing to the boy to stand up, he asked: "Do you know anything about gram- ' mar?" * "I don't know anything else." the boy. ^ "Very well: Now attend. 'Inthe be-, ginning God made the world.' Parse| world." w All the chap knew about grammar was what he had heard that very r morning from the classes reciting, around him; but he had been taught that when he was fighting in the dark <; he must strike straight out from the shoulder, right and le.t, and all would be right. k "Parse world?" he drawled out in­ quiringly, so as to gain time. "Yes. 'In the beginning God made the world.' Parse world." "Wall, world is the biggest kind ot a n o u n , m a s c u l i n e g e n d e r , a l l s o r t s o f , tense, and," slapping his hands down on the desk with a force that shook the « building, "it is governed by Godl Now i fetch on your Sunday school Bcholara and see if they can beat that." Famous Old Salt* "An old salt is a man who has for many years followed the sea, I believe?" "Certainly." "I know of a woman who never went to Bea, but who is the most famous salt the world ever knew." "And who is it?" "Lot's wife." ' JUDQB--If I got as intoxioated aa yoa do, I'd shoot myself. Prisoner--If you wag's tossicated as I am, you couldn't 4wr* r, ItWM-V. It. 1*