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V.'.t'.:, mm \ * ______ IS* nmmi '•;^K i mm • • ? i-sr ' ??v- v'-- „>rs &* '* #K'*V f#', fri?'/" jr*. #: #1^ v tflK MATCH TASK. »* FHA.VCIH s. surra. tthHM«*Mi!ngB (ifter Banta Clatl* JM finished hi* dlHp4tch«a, ' »-fi: "-.sr •i Wflrir placed in my haad , <. A Mt ca«e iVIip with inatchew.^- . i taAMtehea! They were male of WSaf Owe fairy hand had done it! •» VKetwwM silver, Mid it Ml My mouogram upon it. Xmfaect the trensnre eagerly, i>4tried in vain »o utter IbdM) thank* to the douor fair, JM Ioould ony mutter -Amnnionplace or two. and then X «foke aboti V th# weather; jtai then I stopped, I c >ulda't get • -My words to nang together. lM WW 111 try to ma'«e arn«d»--v,-.. W«nia apoken are t>nt \ a]>OT-- *; -A»I«*ra-Nt thoughts I'd wooaer fa§> Malm legible 011 paper. , 8» m e*i)ress i»y ardent thanks 1b amiles errat ic mini to lm r,;i<terst«"K»d, perhapa, none the leas emphatic. IMnmirld Ml liken to a caae^- A vast case HI ed with matchea- 3E£ceb when subjected to lifa'a rub*, A lem flame quickly eatohes. ®* And then it tlutteis. amokoa, sad (ntM, Till come« it.8 filial flashes, VUcb quruolied, it biisier«. bltcktM) iad resolves itself m asluM. , - ,, " ,f' Wi is the common fate of ill . . Bat em yon fade and dwindle, yon wbilc passii%g through the Another flame enkindle-- , A tUuti>> { / soared, coustant -love. Winch m.iv be tlffmiwup'i never, Batotice alight burn ftmver and forever. -T %or seat gift I ahull chetisll >* '." Ae a wuvcnir 1110-t preciotf#^ -Arxi not your gift nione 1 priia-- I feel your friendship gvaciaiu. Jhnd eve: y cigar 1 Ight 111 think upon the giver, ' "TLS I ran call-^d upon to ciosa Old Charon's gloomy river. .And when Fiitew in agio mirror bright A mauh for von discloses, • ... May be. the loved one, niake yftnr puil A bed of wee test rosea. And may your case be pri.-,ed as much A« tbirt case I am viewing, And may you live a hundred years, Each (lav your love renewing. Nbar Turk Weekly. fOUND AT LAST. • BY IDA BEXL.R. -< & was in a moat disturbed slate of laind that I left mv office oue evening •fegot thim vears ago, owing to the fact «*£ Iliad, that afternoon, received a 1Mb note from Beanie Logan. saying it ^uald be inconvenient to her to have mm make my customarv Saturday even- «nc«ail, as slie intended going to the Stealer with a gentleman friend of her -fcther'a from England who was visiting tBk-flju I felt disappointed as that ^•aa tin only evening I had the pleasure seeing my iiance. Having mentioned •i her note what play she intended see- jfing; I went also. It distracted me to <hn»ir of seven long days passing with- «v»n « glimpse of my darling's face, Jbvssv- was a school-teacher in one of *4H! little suburbs of our city and came Borne lias once a week. I aoirod at the theater. My eyes .^•tanlly wandered to the boxes, and ~^heae ia one of the lower ones, was 'Memm--not with an old gray-headed Cmad, as I of course supposed, but nift * dashing, handsome fellow of tiMM eight and twenty years, with "Mark eyes and hair and a decidedly 4BaaiiT make-up. _ <3wild my eyes deceive me, or did I I saw him slyly take Bessie's, 's hand, and hold it unneees- 7 long ? She carried a beautiful Bh of pink roses, and he wore a bud •ml the same ia his button-hole. My ad surprise knew no bounds, for fcad caught my eye, and instantly iway her head without the sign of a recognition. tKxdrfe to endure the vivid emotions fte iswstie aroused, I left the theater aasd --"cut at once to my dreary, solitary ••ota, which now seemed more gloomy ta me than ever, and without any sec- fib <>aght, wrote ' to Bessie Logan ttat she was free as far as I was con- whieh will make you one of the rioha&i men in England." After dinner, I thought I would take a stroll and try to compose myself fot the trying ordeal. As I was walking through the shrubbery on the south end of the grounds, I caught a glimpse of a woman's white dress through the loliags. It startled me somewhat. I hastened to retrace ray steps, when by some unlucky move, I caught my foot and was quite violently thrown to the grftund. That was the last I knew until I felt a cool, soft hand rubbing my brow and bathing it in cold water. The fall had only stunned me, it seems, and upon opening my eyes I beheld--oh how can I describe it'^-my Bessie's owu darling faoe! As soon as I oould command my senses, I excitedly asked her how in Heavens name she happened to be here, whereupon she very reluctantly informed me that she jra§ Lucv Wal- don. I had never ceased to love her, for never during my life had I seen a face more fair to Ibok upon. But when I thought how cruelly she had deceived me, I felt bit- tor and vindictive and demanded an explanation of her treatment. With tears in her eyes and a sob in her voioe, she told me how she had married the young nobleman with whom she*bad gone to the theater that night long ago, as it was her father's ardent request, as he was a ruined man and they would bo obliged to seek shelter from the charity of their friends. T never loved him, Eugene," she sobbed brokenly," but consented to Sacrifice my happiness for that of my father, and if ever a girl suffered for her folly, I have suffered for mine. Have pity on me, for I am not the heartless girl you Miink me to be." "My darling!" I cried fervently, "set your mind at rest. I love you as much, if not more than iu the days gone by, and if you can forgive me for judging you so harshly, I will try to make amends. Will yon be ray wife now? I need you, Bessie dear, and cannot live without you." For answer she simply lifted her sweet, pale face to mine . and a kiss of love was interrupted by a boisterous voice in the shrubbery saying, "The scamp, I wonder if he has actually run away. Just like him!"' But when we came into sight, my uncle's amazement knew no bounds for he dropped per­ fectly helpless into a chair. I immediately explained how I had met and loved Lady Waldon before I ever came to England. ."Well, my dear children, you have my blessing, and everything that be­ longs to me when I die," said the kind- hearted man. "But," he added, with a twinkle in his eye, as he looked at Bes­ sie, "I must tell you that not three hours ago that young man"--pointing to me--"vowed he would never marry ' you. Ha! ha! I know what a sweet, pretty face can do." A tew months after Bessie and I met in the gronnds, that eventful afternoon, my uncle died. We are so happily and comfortably settled in our dear, beautiful old home, so surrounded by sunshine and perfect faith and love, that I almost bless the wretched night I spent upon receiving mj Bessie's note. Cook Your Cheese. » Much difference of opinion has pre­ vailed in regard to the value of cheese as food, but we are beginning to get at facts with a better understanding of the relations of the digestive functions to food elements. Cheese has been much lauded by many, because of the great amount of nutritive food elements it contains, and people have been urged indiscriminately to eat it freely, some enthusiasts making the most extrava­ gant claims for it as a health diet. But -taarxmil and that she need not expect to many people who have sought to follow - this counsel find themselves speedily the victims of indigestion aud dyspepsia. They would consider it little short of treason to charge their disordered di­ gestion to the cheese, but the truth is the cheese is the most probable cause in any such case. Although, so far as its constituents are concerned, cheese is fairly entitled to its fame as a inodel food, yet in raw cheese these constitu­ ents are very difficult of solution by the digestive juices--that is, raw cheese is indigestible to a degree that makes it fa irk' dazzled me. The house | unavailable as food except to the strong­ est and healthiest stomachs, and should ">t be eaten by any one who finds on .rial that it gives his stomach the least discomfort. It is found, however, that cooking the cheese removes this diffi­ culty and makes cheese easy of diges­ tion, and as nutritious as tender meat or more so. Various methods have been adopted for this purpose, from plain broiling, frying or toasting to the most elaborate compound dishes. The main point is to get the cheese cooked so that the stomach can digest it. '••c aK^akgaiu, as I had made up my j '-mini to pay a visit to my uncle who j Jfived in England and might possibly j with him until his death. I also ;«ignififcd that she might retain what lit- iUfi srilte I had bestowed upon her, as it "WouW only -cause aie more misery to them in my possession. " ' I boarded the next steamer for Liver- my uncle had no expectation what- •w of seeing me and was very much Mi iNinud at my unexpected appearance, 1M greeted me with an enthusiasm j k grand old manor, having once I the home of a lord, who through jfcsfc living, was obliged to sell it at a *®wtty reduced rate. My uncle was a | Jpaehelor and had lived there for thirty J3yceea was now close upon seventy - 'aiad *sry feeble. Is* Two years passed by, aimless, idle One day my ancle called me to hii rivate study. '"'Sit down, my boy," he said, "I have to say to you." 'I ^ben spoke of his numbered daya VV-. httw he should soon have to give up fc' jtba beautiful old home where he had ^ ;|pami no many quiet years. 5/ , ' "Eugene, my boy," he continued, •ws,- rfyn are my" only living heir and should agree with a proposition that I mak« you, I intend to leave you : ;*il my wealth, including the old manor «and «atates as it now stands. In the place, no alterations are to be • • unode in the hou^e except for necessary •%Bapair&. and furthermore, I desire that aiiould marry the young woman I ; '-•'•fcawe chosen. It is about time '•fp/tmwetm thinking oi giving up this indo- llattfc bachelor existence. Of course you sot know her, but she is the young •widow trf Sir Harry Waldon, one of the ^•wnrJd'a vilest scoundrels while he sS... r;MwedL His father loved the gentle girl _ Harry had won, as he would have bis own daughter. She soon 4 laaroed her terrible mistake after raar- 'p,% ,«eiegeand it was with positive relief that learned of her husband's death, for i%e was drowned while out yachting z -yaUk m party of gay young fellows on l~f<"'J 4lm Mediterranean. They were mar- f*ied about a year and a half ago in New "Twrk, ehe being an American girl whom v,: met ami fell in love with while visit- jinjr the States." CONFESSION 07 A CANVASSER. MS?' < * r- A« Emperor's Courier. T&e Chinese papers describe the re­ ception of the imperial courier from Pekin, who conveyed to the viceroy of Canton the news of his transfer to another province. Arriving at the vi­ ceroy's yamen in the afternoon he was received with a salute of nine guns. Every one of the doors, from the outer gate into the sanctum sanctorum of the viceroy, were instantly thrown open, and the courier dismoanting from his horse, was met by the viceroy in richly embroidered robes of state. After greetings the courier was oonducted into the great hall Of justice, where a table with incense and candles was Bet facing northward. The courier walked up to the table and took from the folds of his dress the imperial edict, gorgeous in yellow satin, and with averted face unfurled the roll in front of the viceroy. Suddenly every one in the room, from the viceroy to the lowest attendant, fell down on their knees and performed nine prostrations, at the end of which, all still kneeling, the courier read out in a sonorous sing-song style the impe­ rial command. The viceroy then rose and taking the edict in both hands raised it aloft. The courier then re­ tired, and, Ukn All Reform*wa, Srtt*- «!««• Mia P«it Career. If you can imagine the poasioility if such a thing being accomplished please write me down as a reformed canvasser. To be sure, I was never an old and hardened one, bui nevertheless, I have been a house to house canvasser, one of the fiends whom housekeepers are ory- ing out against, and one who sees the error of his ways. I guess it is the first case on record, aud because I have realized the nature of my calling my bite employer oalls me a failure and says bitter things about me, even to disparaging my character for probity. Yet, sold as many goods for him as any man he ever employed, notwith­ standing my repugnance for the busi­ ness. I was persuaded to enter np6n a life of sin by the honeyed words of a can­ vasser, who extolled my gift of gab and said that I could easily make $10 a day by developing an iron gall and embark­ ing in his line of business. He persuaded me that it was perfectly legitimate to bluff defenseless women into purchasing rugs, clocks and other things on installments at twice their value. He convinced me that I had a perfect right to intrude upon the privacy of any family and foree my goods upon anybody, no matter how unwilling they might be to listen. He taught me the trick of stepping into the doorway as soon as tha door was opened, the stony stare and parrot like discourse with which to meet the flashing eyas of harassed housewives. Look at the average sewing machine agent! He rings a bell and when the front door is opened quickly takes a position so that it cannot be closed until he is through his harangue. If he has the luck to encounter the lady of the house he smirks and smiles, and in his softest tones asks is she has a sew­ ing machine. She answers "Yes," and he asks what kind it is^ No matter what kind she says she has, he is in duty bound to insinuate that it is no good. Even though it is the same as he is Relling he must sug­ gest that recent improvements, made since she bought hers, are invaluable and offer to take her machine for $10 and sell her a new one for $50 or more. If it is a rival machine, he asks, "Don't it run hard? Don't you find it noisy and constantly out of order ?" I admire a woman who firmly re­ fuses to have anything to do with agents and canvassers, and tells them promptly to get out. I like the spirit of the woman who answers: "None of your business" to the first question the fewing machine agent asks. If all women would treat the impudent canvassers; and agents as they deserve to be treated the business would soon be broken up. I say impudent advisedly, for I realize that a house to house canvasser can be nothing else but impudent, no matter how polite he may be in making his advances. His presence is an im­ pudent intrusion on the privacy of the family. He has no right in common law. He is a trespasser when he puts his foot on the bottom step of the porch or on the sill of the door. He is, in short, an intolerable nuisance, and should be abated by ordinance or legal enactment of the Legislature. j In the big city there is no excuse for the existence of the peddler who goes from house to house. Aside from being a nuisance to housekeepers he is an in­ justice to merehants who keep stores, pay rent and taxes and advertise their goods. The agent or canvasser is a peddler and nothing more, and he can easily be dispensed with if housekeep­ ers will do their duty and save annoy­ ances bV refusing to buy anything ex- ceot from legitimate business men at their stores. In the country the peddler is more of a necessity than a nuisance, and peo­ ple will go on encouraging him to the end of time. Every woman in the citv has been more or less plagued by fluent agents selling or trying to sell every­ thing from lamp burners to carpet j weepers or other labor saving devices. A woman without a servant may be called to the door a dozen tames a day br these peddlers of one thing or an­ other, and an angel could not preserve her temper under the frequent trials housewives have to undergo. I remem­ ber that the worst tongue lashing I ever got was from a woman in Kinney street, who came to the door with dough on her hands and abased me roundly. By comparing notes at the office I subsequently learned that she was the wife of one of the most success­ ful and most pertinacious agents in Newark. E ve a she had no Sympathy with the business which gained her bread and butter. I am thankful that I am out of the business now, and sorry that I staid in it for a week, for I „ know now, that my face is hateful to thousands of the best women of New­ ark. Horse car driving is a noble em­ ployment campared with the "genteel" occupation of canvassing. Men who employ canvassers will tell you that not one man in ten succeeds as canvassers.. , ^haU I tell you why? It is because only one one man in fifteen or twenty has the effrontery or impu­ dence to stick to it. The young man with sensibilities soon becomes disgusted with the work. Not merely because he is unsuccessful for lack of impudence or "trout," as the old ones call it, but because he had a heart in his bosom and is possessed of something like a conscience. I never put it to people that I had a wife and family depending upon my impudence for a living, but that was truly the case, and I am thankful now that they no longer have to do it. I doubt now that I could ever biiug myself to jerk door-bells while there was a chance to earn an oc her head, and at night she slept b tha band. : After several months the little haif lines disappeared from 1/ef pretty fore­ head, and ah* is quite cured of the dis­ figuring liabit. A smooth, white, uncorrugated brow is one of the greatest attractions in a woman's faoe, while a prematurely fur­ rowed and wrinkled brow mars the beauty and youth of the fairest features. --New York Morning Journal. In the Butcher's Shop. *Tell me," said the Spring Chicken to the Suasage, "is that legend fas­ tened to you correct? Are you seally a genuine Country Suasage!" "O yes," answered the Sausage, "the butcher is not fooling his trade in my case. I was brought up in the country." "Indeed! Were you always known as Sausage in your former home ?" "O no, I was called Fido there." "Fido! Did vou oome from Long Island?", "Yes, from the Ketcham Hawkins Griffin farm, west of Aguebogue." " Well, well, well! So you are old Fido. And you don't know. me. I was born on that farm the same spring that you were." faI believe that you are old Mrs. Peck," said the Sausage, looking closely at the Spring Chicken, "and how are you now, Mfs. Peok ?" • "To toll the truth, I am feeling tough. But how are you?" "Fine," replied the Sausage, "but I've been a good deal cut up of late-- more than any one would think." "I've been through the mill myself," replied the Mincemeat. "Hello!" he added, "there's that Bob Veal over there." "I ov«rheard that remark, cried the Shoulder of Veal, drawipg his blade, "and it was au insult." "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!" said the Spring Chicken. « f * "I'm going to cut," said the Veal, now thoroughly aroused. "See here!" oalled out the Bologna Sausage, "you put up that blade and keep quiet. You couldn't lick your own chops." "The Bologna's awfully strong," whispered the Headcheese to the Kid­ ney, trembling slightly. "Well," replied the Kidney,, "he's stopped the Veal's bluster, and I must say it's the first time I ever saw a calf cowed." "There's one thing about the Veal," remarked the Ham, "he's a good liver.'* "I know he has," answered the lamb, "but I really don't think he's as well dressed as I am." "Hello, Ham!" called out the Side of Bacon,."I thought.I reoagnized your voice." "How d'do, Bacon!. Glad to see you, smoke ?" "No, thanks. I used to smoke, buf> I smoked to excess and that cured me. I'll drink, though, if you have a little hock about you." "Who said drink?" cried a voice from the corner. "Ah, that's that befef," said Ham, "he's a hard case, corned all the time." Just at this moment the butcher opened up the shop and cut further re­ marks short with a meat-ax.--Time. The Poor, Overworked Senator. A member of the Cabinet is repre­ sented by the correspondent of a Chi­ cago pap'jr as giving an account of one of his days to show how he is driven t death, ncl by his official duties, but by the demani'ts made upon his time by political visitors, most of whom are doubtless cffice-seekers, though he re­ frains irom saying so. He says: "I have no leisure, not even on Sun­ days, no recreation, and no time with my family; but this is the penalty of holding office." It is not a necessary penalty of hold­ ing any office, however high. It is the penalty of holding office at the head of a department under on administration that invites politicians to a division oi the spoils and a distribution of patron­ age as party rewards and party stimulus, instead of taking a stand against such a system of prostitution of the public service. The pledges of the President and of his party honestly carried out would have protected public officials from these raids which consume time that ought to be given to official duties and to needed "leisure" and "recrea­ tion." If Cabinet officers are run to death they know whose the fault is if they only had the courage tQ admit it.-- New York Times. JL Girl's Strange Mania for Bload. A malady of a most remarkable and distressing nature has recently at­ tacked the young daughter of Winthrop Davis, who owns one of the largest saw­ mills in this vicinity. The young ladj is in her sixteenth year, and, when it her normal health, of an amiable, rather shrinking disposition, and pos sensed of no small claim to beauty, be­ sides being intelligent and well ad­ vanced in her studies. About three months ago she fell into a low, melan­ choly state and displayed a singular aversion to society, refusing entirely to converse at times and exhibiting a sul­ len, angry disposition when questioned or remonstrated with. All food was re­ jected for several days, until a piece of freshly-killed beef was accidentally brought into her presence, when she threw herself upon it with all the savage greediness of a famished animal and began to tear and rend it with her teeth, sucking the blood with a shock­ ing relish ft>r the yet warm fluid. Since then, at periods varying from three to seven days, she is seized with the same thirst for blood, and when brought in sight of it will drink it with avidity, in spite of a'l efforts made to restrain her. Such effoiis fire attended with much danger, for during these at­ tacks shfe fails to recognize even . the members of the family and will snap and bite savagely at auy one attempting to molest her. Her entire appearance undergoes a change, her usually gentle expression becoming inhumanly ferocious, her £yes bloodshot and glaring, while her jaws snap furiously and she keeps up a hideous snarling and growling. Her face becomes suffused with blood and her hair bristles on her head like that of an angry animal. Once satiated with blood she falls into a deep sleep, as if from intoxication, and in awaken­ ing eeems to have no remembrance whatever of her singular attack, and is once more her quiet, lady-like self, only complaining of severe headache, which lasts until her next seizure. Physicians who have seen her are at a loss to account for the cause of her malady and have up to the present failed entirely to relieve her. By the advice of several, attempts have been made to keep her from the sight of human blood, but the result is so . dis­ tressing that it is now thought best to allow her to gratify her unnatural thirst. Unable to do otherwise, she at­ tacked her own flesh, tearing it without any apparent pain and sucking the blood with avidity. On another occasion, when seemingly at herself, her attention was attracted to a younger brother, who, having cut his hand, entered the .house for the purpose of having the bleeding gash bound up. She instantly leaped across the room, and without warning seized the boy's hurt hand in her mouth and bit him to the bone. It was only with the greatest difficulty that she could be made to release him, and when finally forced to let go, gave vent to her rage in hoarse cries, or rather screams, like a wild beast cheated out of its prey. Mr. Davis and his wife are persons of education and refinement, and profess themselves entirely unable to account for their daughter's peculiar affliction, as on both sides for generations there has never been any intemperance or mental disease.--Atlanta (Tex.) dis­ patch to the Philadelphia Times, •asfarbe Saorentn. The girls have a new fad. It would Disappoiul There was a certain nc%lfeman at the court of Louis XIV. of France who was known to be inordinately anxious for distinction. One day the King asked him if he understood the Spanish lan­ guage. "No, sire," was the answer. "That is unfortunate," said the King. The nobleman at once conjectured that the King wished to make him am­ bassador to Madrid. He accordingly employed a teacher and applied himself day and night to the acquisition of the language. At last, pale and exhausted, but with a satisfied and expectant look upon his face, he came to the King with the an­ nouncement : "Sire, I can now speak Spanish.". "Do you understand it well enough to converse intelligently with a Span­ iard?" "Yes, sire," the man replied, in eager expectati< >n. "I wish you joy," said the King; "now you -can read 'Don Quixote in the original." Discouraging a Savunt. When a woman has been out in rain, and a cold rain at that, until the she has gotten "bedraggled," a man of prac- casional half dollar by shoveling «nor; ticttl 8en8e wiU let her a]ODe. Gne old or coaL £.x-tanvas»eft pn Aew 1 ork gentleman learned this fact yesterday. Sunday Call. IBet, my dear uncle," I demurred, but instSld of^g o^S hTLTwme p v ' " " j o a m o s t s u r e l y k n o w I w o u l d n e v e r vmmrrv•&.woman whom I did not love, although you are most generous iu ajruiiiib, me so much, I must decline to '4 ; 5'•Meant.* "Tut--tut boy, don't be so rash--I \J' 3am aay you will fall in love with her '•£ > the moment you see her. She is such a ' -f'tiaimty, refined, sweet little creature 'f, •"*- *' that you might hunt the world over and fe '* ® deal worse. But I have invited W.! Iwt and her father-in-law to visit us, and my butler brought me word a few %?' BMSMQU before I called you in, saying ' tat Lady Waldon aud her father-in- ^ lasr would call upon us this afternoon. 8a be prepared to pay your respects good friends of mine. Now m, by the front door, he went by a side door suitable to his own l^ank, and being now without a message lost all his honors a3 an imperial messenger. A few moments before he was treated as all but an emperor; now he was only s small official.--London Times. Too Much Stuck Up. Miss Upperten (daughter of a rioh manufacturer)--Pardon me, Miss, but 1 have not the honor of your acquaint­ ance. Miss Lower ten (who does not intend to be put down in that style)--I thought you had, at one time, but never mind. Perhaps if my father owiitwl a big mucilage factory like , ,. , „ , , --a your go, but think well over what I father's, I'd be stuck up, too.--New Won you rashly throw away that | York Weekly. How to Ciare Frowning. A great many earnest thinkers OF a nervous temperameut fall into the habit of scowling when they read, write or talk seriously. This causes two little perpendicular liuea to plough in be­ tween the eyes, and ages a face' ten. years. It is a habit almost impossible to cor­ rect, once formed, as it is done uncon­ sciously by a great many young people. Even in sleep their brows will be drawn together in this malicious little frown, that is the aider aud abetter of age. A bright, studious young woman, still in her early twenties, found herself the victim of this scowl, which had al­ ready made two tine hair lines in her white brow. She set herself to work to cure the habit by setting the mirror be­ fore her face when she read, wrote or { studied; but as this distracted her at­ tention from her work, she finally placed a ribbon band tightly across her brow, tying it in a3 knot at the back of Did you ever reflect, madam," said he to a woman who was standing under ari awning alongside of him waiting for the next car--"did you ever reflect on the fact that the atmosphere exerts pressure of fifteen pounds to the square inch? And yet how often do we hear, the expression, 'light as air'- "I don't believe a word of it!" she snapped, in a tone that would have warned any married man to drop the subject at once. ^"But, madam----* "I don't believe a word Of it* I tell you. If there was any truth in it, that old empty skull of yours would have been caved in long ago." And a few minutes later an old gen­ tleman might have been seen wander­ ing down street in the pouring rain, automatically holding in a perpendicu­ lar position an umbrella he had forgot­ ten to open.--Terre Haute Express. A Very Nice Kind of aWlfe. A certain young man, married and living in this city, sat down to a convi­ vial game of cards with some friends at their hotel, and before he knew it, the hpur was early in the small figures. What shonld he do ? He had never stayed out so late, or rather so early, since he was married, and he drtaded meeting his wife and explaining the mat­ ter to her. "Ring up the ambulance," he said to one of his friends, "and take me home and tell my wife that I fell down the of­ fice stairs and have just recovered con­ sciousness." But his friend, who had been in the same fix. braced him up and told him to go home and have it out like a man. So he went home whistling noisil T to keep up his courage, and found the front door unlocked tor him. So iar so good. Then he went up stairs and peeped into his wife's room. "B-r-r-r-r, b-r-r-r r-b-r-r-r-r--" His wife was fast asleep |and snoring like a steam engine. He slipped out of his coat into a dressing gown, drew off his boots and turned up the lamp. Then he took up the evening paper and Ibegan to read. In a few moments his wife wakened. "Are you never coming to bed, Charlie?" she asked in a sleepy voice. 'As soon as I finish this article, dar­ ling," he answered in a thankful voioe. That was six months ago. Charlie has never repeated his late hours, but he has wondered ever since if his wife-- wise woman--was really asleep, or if she was only shamming.-- Washington Capital. Even a Toad Will Hit Bock. *1 once saw something when a small boy," said an old stager, "that I never heard of since, that was a toad attack a snake after th# latter had been forced to let go his hold. It was in a black­ smith shop, built of logs, in Indiana County. The blacksmith was working at his anvil when a squeaking sound was heard at one side of the shop,which attracted attention. Turning to look the blacksmith and the narrator saw a large toad dragging himself into the in- closure, with a fifteen-inch garter snake following. The snake had the hind leg of the toad swallowed. With a pair of hot tongs the blacksmith caught the snake, which released its hold as quickly as possible. Instead oi hop­ ping avyay, as was to be expected, the toad turned itself around, and leaping six iuches high in the air, came down on the body of the snake and bit it savagely."--Pittsburgh Dispatch. be extremely difficult to guess what it is, for it Is aeathied to cause young men with handsome mustaches no end of trouble before it runs its course. The novelty seems to have originated with the young ladies of Manchester, N. H., and consists of collecting a hair from the hirsute .adornment of young men's upper lips as a token of remem­ brance, but it is feared that it is really a collection of mustache hairs properly labelled and classified by young ladies that they may show to their lady frie ids and by the display of the favors received at the hands of many gentlemen ac­ quaintances create jealousy in the minds (or hearts) of their le3s fortunate sisters. All the available young men aue so­ licited to part with just one single hair from -their upper lip to swell the collec­ tion, and it is indeed a hard-hearted swain who will refuse a pretty girl this small favor. The liairs are stuck on a large card with a white wafer, on whioh are placed the initials of the donor. It can be readily seen that a very in­ teresting collection can thus be made. The young lady sits with her confi­ dential female friend and, instead of going over a photograph album, ex­ plaining each picture, takes the card with the collection of hairs from the manly faces and tells how, when and where each, separate one was obtained and all about,the donor. Whether or not in the sweet ecstatic bliss accom­ panying a stolen kiss'such a particular hair did not first touch her lips, and sent through her whole being a thrill, which, even then, it was delightful to remember. This latest fad is much preferable to collecting locks of hair, and then, hair collecting is so common an idea. Tho girls want something later, and this is the result. It is said, however, that there are a number of the Manchester boys who are at present clean shaven, because their fair friends have made such demands upon them that their whisk era had be­ come so sadly thinned they were obliged to grow another crop, but others say that the shaving was done to save what there was left. At any rate, the collec­ tion of mustache hairs just now is all the rage there, and it will probably last until something else is hatched by a fertile brain to take its place among the fads of the nineteenth century. Ta Destroy the Seeds of Crlnil. In the course of an argument against capital punishment, in the Arena. Rev. Hugh O. Pentecost says: "It is just as vicious, of course, to imprison a man for revenge, as to hang him for revenge. There is, therefore,- no sound reason why a murderer shonld be punished at all. It is right that lie should be ap­ prehended «nd confined until it is de­ termined whether he is of such a nature or disposition as to be likety to commit more murders. But if this view of the case is too nearly in accordance with human considerations to suit this cruel and bloodthirsty age, then the obvious mode of punishment to substitute for judicial killing is imprisonment for life. This is far too cruel a punishment to visit upon any­ one for any crime done under the im­ pulse of passion, but among a people who so frequently say: "Hanging is too good for him, and who are so given to lynchings, it is as much of a modification of our present practice as we could ex=ect to get. It has been observed that most of the murders ocour among poor people, and upon the top floors of tenement houses; that is to say, among the poorest of the poor. The connection between poverty and the crime of murder, like the con­ nection between poverty and all other crimes, is demonstrably close. If we could cure the social disease of poverty, the seeds of crime would be destroyed. The people rarely think of this. They think it is our business to punish crime; but it is our best business to pre­ vent it. Our present organization of society manufactures criminals faster than we can possibly take care of them. Poverty degrades men; it robs them of leisure, which is absolutely necessary for the development of mind, and the domination of passions; it keeps the people hungry and fierce; it imbrutes them; it make Ishmaels of them--their hand is against society, as the hand of society is against them. Plant a gen­ eration of paupers and you will reap a crop of criminals." A Knotty Subject. Billy--Just one more question, pa, and I'll go to sleep. Father--Well, what is it? Billy--When anybody pounds a Jtnot out of a board, how can it leave a knot hole in the board, when the knot whole is knocked out? Father (irritably)^--Don't talk so foolishly, William. Billy--And supposingthe whole knot not knocked out, how can the whole hole be there? To go a little further, is a whole knot hole not a whole hole just because--" An ominous cracking of the paternal bedstead put an end to further specu­ lation.--Everybody's Paper. , She Lost Her Parse. The woman who loses her purse in the street-car succeeds at times in lift­ ing the cares of life from the rest of the passengers, says the New York World. "Look here, Mr. Conductor," said a wild-eyed woman in a Fourth avenue car, "I'm sure I lost my pocketbook in this car about an hour ago. You see, I opened my side-bags right her# on my belt and took out my purse and paid you 5 cents, you know. Then when I went to put my purse back in the bag it must have slipped down on the side and fell to the floor. There was a tough-lookin' man sittin' alongside of me, and he may have robbed me. Con­ found these city bunko steers! I thought I was onto 'em. We don't have 'em up at Hackensack. Think I'll ever get it again ? Oh, I'm the most un­ fortunate woman that ever lived. You look like a tolerably honest man, and I hope you'll send it to me it you find it. There was $1.30, some buttons, a shoe­ string, and a paper of Blood's needles in it." 'Where did you first miss your purse?" asked the conductor. "Well, I can't tell exactly, I am so ?xcited, but it wa» on this car some­ where." "This trip?" "No, it was about an hour ago." "Where did you get on the car?" "In front of Jacobs' Theater. been to the matinee." "Then it was a Third avenue This is a Fourth avenue car." "Which way's Third aveuue?" isked, making a rush for the door. The sonductor stopped the car, showed her ;he way, and the last the passengers law of her she was heading for Third wenue on a dead run. A SOFT-COAL trust is announced in Pennsylvania. It is "soft" for the mine-owner, undoubtedly, but not for the consumer.--Chicago ifearld. . » & . . . j * . I . . . J i U , * J k * . . . u . w L J ' A * . k ' J L s . hc'J li'vLi&sJ li. IT takes two to make a bargain. A gem of thought says: lie willing to pass for what- you are. We are willing, dear gem of thought, but the conductor and door tender are uot,--<Bingham.ton Daily Leader. " "• •• % f> ...»' Pi -«.» rd car. she £ ii "I •••* IS: • 1 "r As : if Geological Formations. Teacher (after a lecture on geology")-- Sow, children. I want to teil you of tomothing I saw in Utah. There i3 a ligh mountain there, far from human labitation, yet the top of it is covered vith oyster shells. How do you explain •hat? Bright Boy (whose parents formerly ived in the West)^-Well, I dunno, of >ourse, but when we lived in Kansas, a >ig cyclone struck our town, and the ast I saw of the railroad restaurant it vas way up in the nir, headin' fer Utah.--New 1'ork Weekly. s AM expected pleasure toot. It's awful is like hard to put off. STORR and Noratfifc WHERE hot retorts are plentiful--la a gas house. THE small boy with a bad coldiu - ray likely to be up to snuff: '. ;||^ You have heard of punk in wood; have you ever heard of punk in pies? SOME girls are so devoted to temper- ance principles that they won't yew .? ' tight sleeves. S.vrcT girls make the best type- , writers, because it is only the saucy '%} girls that can hope to become ex-pert. -j MR. YODNOHUSBAKP--My dear, this ^ new clook of ours gives the whole room r.V tone. Mrs. Younghuaband--Naturally; '4 """J*"8' it's the only striking thing in it. , < YAB»LEV--I would rather talk to a / -H good, sensible girl any time than dance. M Wick wire--Well, why don't you do so, '-'."3: then? Yabsley (sorrowfully)--They won't listen to me. ' ^ vfi "MR. DR. JAY, whenever I see vou, you remind me of--" "Somethingpleas- v ant, I hope.". "Not exactly. You me think of the adage 'man'sa vapor.'" - v "Vapor is gas, yon know." ~ POLITICIAN--Were you ever up for anything out West? Returned Boomer --Oh, yes; • I waa up twice. Politician' --What for? Returned Boomer-- Horse-stealing and arson. "CAN you give me any information -^ about the game laws?" said the gentle- man in the white hat. "Certainly, sir. You may shoot that hat as soon as you , -if choose--the sooner the better." HE (after a tiff)--So you persist ia ' % breaking the engagement? MATURE^IJL® Fiance-- Certainly; what do you taka me for? He--About 40. Better think. it over; it may be your last chance. MOTHER--You don't seem very tired. Jennie, for a young lady who ^attended a dancing party last night? Jennie--i It was a plumbers' ball, vou know, and: everything went so slowly that one could . .. not get tired. ^ 4- Miss LINA (making a call on her]:;|I|K||; washerwoman)--You Took depressed to­ day, Mrs. O'Grady; what is the matter? , Mrs. O'Grady--Shure, an'the ould man • #•"'/ sold the pig lasht noight whin I waa, out calliu', and divil the frind hev I left ' in tUe wur-ruld. 1. V,v MAMMA (to Teddy, who is growling • about his food)--Just think, Teddy, of \,V the many poor little children to-niglifc," .3$,) who are going to bed hungry, without^ any siipper at all. Teddy--Yes; but you see I'm thinking of Willie Simp- kins, who said he was going to' liare'^|i|!i|| sponge cake and custard. ' FTLCHLY DESERVED DEATH. , E „ Over the pave--on to the grave, Battles the hearse; no one is mourning, F',. * On to the tomb, shrouded in gloom. » No flower or euthlem adorning. V11I0! Bequioscatl Pace! 4.ND EOON; Stay not the cortege! Haste; let it go on. " Wherefore? NOW let the world oontinua to wag; He was springing "McGlnty." and was killed tor the gag. 1^;!. "WHOOP! Look out there, Johnny," shouted the old man, as he stuck his head out from behind the woodpile," * "you better not go into the house."' ' 'J/' "Who's after you?" asked Johnny. "Ma?" "Yes. Somebody tangled all ^ the zephyr that she was using to work a' > 'God Bless Our Home' motto, and she ® has been out of temper ever since." IN Italy--Americau Traveler--I'mitt a sad fix, Hendrix. For heaven's saker help me out? Friend--What's the matter? American Traveler--The- '^] brigands yesterday carried off my wifft WffK and pug dog. Friead-^Well, but isn'b ' 'I that your wife over on the hotel steps? % American Traveler--Yes; they released - * h e r , b u t t h e y a r e h o l d i n g t h e p u g . d o g . % for ransom. "*• ~ • •• Hi .i •--ji 1 ii 1 1 . • - She Played a Joke on HeraelC • IA famous European prima donna who visited the United States soma years ago was exceedingly quiet in hetS tastes and her manner of living, and* on arriving at New York, proceeded to 1 one of the best and most exclusive hotels. With a fancy for something of _ a feast after her operatic performance, 'P she determined to test the New York ", "•; oysters, of which she had heard scfe;S0|| muoli. y! '•& When the performance was over, tlftr songstress returned at once to her apartments at her hotel and summoned a servant in the customary manner. The waiter soon appeared, and some: oysters were ordered^ As the maid hadt retired to her own room the oysters were ordered for only one. "How many will you have?" asked the waiter. ' "How many?" said the lady, at th# same time thinking. "I feel as if could eat a thousand, I am so hungry; but"--with a manner indicating thai she had lived on oysters all her life-- , v^» "you may bring me a hundred." « i j'j She noticed, on replying, that a sur« * , < prised expression was on the tace of the . servant. Some time passed, the lady , , wondering at the delay; but at last knock came at the door, and in walked' V ^ five men bearing trays half filled witlf ^ plates containing oysters on the half*- -7^ shell, lemons, biscuits; water, napkins, ^ etc. A single glance at the first tray? ' explained to the lady the surprise :;H- she had noticed on the face of the serv- ant who had answered her bell; bu|y;. not a question was asked, nor a word , V spoken. The plates, glasses, etc., were -if. arranged on the various tables in the - ;/ room, and the lady was left alone with , - ^4 her feast. She realized that she had ' ^ unwittingly played a joke upon herself. which she determined no one in the hotel should know. Her least ended, slid wondered how in the world she could dis- • pose of the dozens of great oysters left _ untouched. In a moment more she 4 ^ opened the window, and, one by one, .* to. k the oysters at the end of her fork ? and threw theip out as far as she could 1 -\ in all directions, tiN each shell waa " emptied. Another knock "was heard and answered. • The waiters again entered, found the lady alone at the table, reading as be*:- . >y fbre, and not a vestige of an oyster ia ^ sight. The look of surprise whioh met' ,, the lady as she glanced at the faces of f ^ | the servants was ample compensation : v/, in every respect for the mistake .aha had made. ' She Saw No Need or Privacy. ' iJf The passengers on the Belt line train "I,- recently had some fun. A good looking young woman, ajroarently going , J out for the evening with a gentleman, possibly had left home hurriedly. She. removed her hat, placed it on the floor, , \Jf2 and, with a newspaper handy, went to 'A,: work to do up her hair. The Vomaa '< rolled wads of paper, und in ten min- u t e s h a d h e r h e a d d o t t e d w i t h c u r l * J f . ^ papers and apparently was unaware of 11 the quiet fun everybody in the car was having. Tha couple left the train afe * '*<. Black Rock Station and as they left th^ JJf; car the mirth of the pas-engers found a vent, and everybody roared. The vonnff- r; woman blushed then smiled and looked as if she was satisfied, having got her % ^ h&ir in shape.--Buffalo Express. - THE three gauges of railroad--Nar- ^ row gauge, broad gauge and mortgage. "few- w • > Ski