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Hf* «p -w; *: n ~, •-• /,*; ̂ ' * .• " , "- * % 1 ,' s* , < , . • •$ *: .'fWT.W •*, * - * _ ^V-'s '^.^•.'T'TJ..:-*'•;• >v\n ?# «*,», 'i-ii*.' pr *• t' >i > *'j *> * , ' k &* j ' , " r ' 4.*, * ttftXX &V i f*V f ^jilXTOD LOVK NK WKKKl'MtlXAT BA J4TK JM-QIJES. , . , Slmra'a a question 1 wouU nwntlMi 4 If yon"l llnten. wife, t<> vtie, - -* • *y» it fearful »pprehen«ion Now and ihoii creeps over mo; When our lives linvu reached the BSBllBlt And the turning joint Is c-allod, A lid old age begins to eye us, Will you love me If I'm bnld? When no more your gen'lo fingers Wander through my waving hair; But go groping through tlie \astueSS' Of the \vhorenenn of the wihair ;) , "When Old lime's fsntnstie fingorn ^ O'er MY fitce his mime IIHK ^crawlDBi Do you think tlmt you can love me just the si.iue if i ttiu Imld? • " , When my brow shall shame the tombstone As it rises bland and bare, "Write theroon,-- "This slab it sacred To his lute lamented hair." JLike a grinning skull I'll liaunt'yon Till your senses stand appall o. On you brave the test, my darling. Will you love me when I'm bald? "When my present jetty ringlets Have not dyed, but gone before, .And until 1 go to meet them '1 hey will come--ah--nevermore, When the flies of fifty summers O'e' my helpless pure have crawled, And I have to went- a niglitean, you love me when I'm bald? IN A TRAP. ALBERT H. MODRICKER. O**toold, anpleasant winter iuornt> messenger from the firm of Rnojc & Knowles, banded a note to the •chief of police, which informed him that safeur^lary had been committed on the jswvioas night, and asking for a proper ^investigation and detection of the crim- iusl ox criminals. As this was a daily occurrence the <ctiief did not pay much attention; how- «ewar, in the afternoon he instructed me *fco visit the place ami look into the mat­ ter. It was a pretty good distance from ^be bureau, and although the snow Cell in thick flakes and somewhat im­ peded my advance, I arrived at the ~f)lace in question, in tlie evening. Assuming a stem police countenance JE ascended the flight of stairs. The last step was very broad and ^wojec'ted far into the building. Above *he massive door was a window at "which I observed a face at the moment 1 entered to ring the bell; but it •quickly disappeared,. in order, I thought, to open the door. I waited for a half minute, and lipon looking up sagain I discerned the face again; and then, suddenly, before I could move or -call, a dark mass whistled down at my side, which obscured me entirely and deprived me of my senses, so that, half terrified and half paralyzed, I sank «lown, or lather was pressed against the vail, for there was no space left suffi­ cient to fall down. How long 1 remained in this uncom- 'iortabie position I do not recollect, but X know that it seemed to me like an <3ternity, and I realized that I was cang&t like a rat in a trap. The trap--for .such I presumed it io --was a space three feet long, two feet wide and twelve feet high, and not ray of light penetrated it. As soon as my feverish excitement had somewhat abated and I was able to t;hiuk, I arrived at the conjecture that tbe sliding, iron door, which, in some business houses in Berlin, is placed be­ fore the inner door every night upon -closing, had been let down at the same aRomcut I ^as about to ring. pite of my misfortune I felt con- that the outer iron door did not down upon my head, *fcr if it ,"would have killed me iramedi- 3ROtneu m^frf 0$' rr--- ' -«Teon then the pedestrians began to take their walk ana carriages rolled by. The bustle of life on the streets had begun, and therefore, I concluded that it was morn. At last! but alas.' it was day! I repeated the ringirg of the bell, until my benumbed fingers refused to work. But, as, during the night, not a soul responded to my cries, I concluded that the turmoil in the streets stiffled my feeble voice. £ Slowly the minutes stole away, my watch had ceased to work and so I was deprived of the pleasure to know at what time persons not incarcerated eat dinner, and generally enjoyed them­ selves. Without exaggeration at that time I firmly believed that my destiny was to starve by hunger and thirst. I thought of the horrible idea, how I would first devour my limbs; then my arms: then suok my blood, and how people at discovering my skeleton after many years would be confused as to my identity--yea, they would write big volumes about the caged burglart Suddenly the step on which I stood began to shake as if somebody was as­ cending the stairs. This observation steeled my ,nerves, I stood erect; then 1 heard the grating of a key; the outer iron door trembled and finally tlew upward. I endeavored to walk, but the change was too sudden. I reeled and fell to this floor unconscious. When I awoke I found myself lying on a bench in a police station ; and, gazing about me, saw a policeman, who suddenly grasped my arm and com­ manded me to follow him. In a feeble voice 1 pleaded for a few moments' rest. "Why not, old rascal," replied the offi­ cer. "Last night's adventure must surely have paralyzed your limbs. Forward march into" the cell. Fie upon you, such a nice young man." 1, astonished over the harshness of his words, arose, presenting a full view. "How dare you to address me in such language ?" I snorted. "VVhat, will the rascal resist?" called out another officer, and they were about to punish me unmercifully, when at this critical moment, the sergeant, ac­ companied by the chief of police and lieutenant, entered. Kind reader, what more khall I re­ late ? My chief questioned-- I explained. The whole adventure was natnraL I had been taken for a burglar and trans­ ported to a police station where I would have received brutal treatment had not the chief appeared at the proper mo­ ment. I was physically and. mentally so prostrated that I asked to be relieved from service for eight days, which was willingly granted. The young clerk of the firm of Knox & Knowles, who claimed he had seen something but was not certain, visited me and asked for forgiveness, which I granted, and admonished him to be more circumspect iu the future. In regard to the policemen, I may add that they received a just chastise­ ment, and I earnesrly believe that they remember me as well as I remember them and the terrible night I passed between two doors. Jl Cl.EVER WOMAN. commenced to call for help in a stentorian voice; bet the thick, suffocat­ ing atmosphere rendered my cries hol­ low and feeble, and the outer and inner door would not permit their escape. Suddenly a ray of hope animated me --(he door-bell! Feverish and excited say lingers searched for and finally - found it. -• Convulsively I commenced tearing ~ <Uad pulling at the handle, as if the en­ tire city was convulsed in a revolt. ""They must hear me," I murmured, life an obstinate child, who generally wffl not tolerate the least refusal of his wishes. A feeble sound reached my ears--no 4|Qestion the bell worked in the office. 1 paused--nobody came. _ I commenced ringing again; but, alas, 4t was useless. With hardly enough room to execute ~wy design, I began to kick and ham­ mer the door, but the iron only softly tingled as if deriding my efforts. My limbs ached terribly, and I en- «leavored to chauge my position; in "fact, I succeeded in the attempt, which rendered my position a little more com­ fortable. Of course I could only endure this Attitude for a short time j and, accord­ ingly, I presently put my feet in one corner, my back towards the opposite wall, and thus, half reclining, half ^erect I was enabled to tolerate the tor- -ture* little longer. Oh, how 1 envied the imprisoned lion Hoar leopard at that moment, for their Slang of Artists. A party of artists were traveling in a stage, in which, besides themselves, a sedate venerable lady was the only passenger. The conversation among the artists ran on as follows: "How 'playful' those clouds are!--that group to the west is sweetly composed, though perhaps too solill and rocky for the others. I have seen nothing of--•-- lately. I think he is clever. He makes all his flesh too chalky. You must al­ low, however, that he is very success­ ful with his ladies.'" The old lady began to exhibit symp­ toms of uneasiness, and at the close of each observation cast an anxious and in­ quiring look at the speaker. Her com­ panions, however, unconscious of the alarm they were exciting (for she enter­ tained doubts as to their eanitv), went on in the same style. She heard them, to her increasing dismay, talk of a farm house coming out from the neighboring trees, and of a gentleman's grounds wanting repose, At length they ap­ proached an old village church. A great many observations were made about the 'keeping* of the scenes, which the old lady bore with tolerable mag­ nanimity ; but at last one of the party exclaimed, in a kind of enthusiasm: " See how well the woman in the red cloak carries off the tower." This was too much. The lady screamed to the coachman to stop, paid him his fare, although, advanced only half way on her journey, and expressed her thankful­ ness for haviug escaped alive from such a set of madmen.--New York Ledger. Still at Large. There is a man at large who ought to be taked charge of. He will be readily recognized by the following dialogue, *sage was a veritable palace compared ! which conveys an accurate description With mine. of him: Then I asked myself, "Pid not the I "Ah, man who lowered the iron door notice ! Why did he disappear from t Kardsmi EMS^N tht OftMs llT*» by as 8hrevr<l Device. After Senor LaBarrier, a wealthy Spaniard, died at St. Thomas, his young wife, to whom he left his vast fortune, hastily left the place. The Senor's family then had his body ex­ humed, and finding prussic acid in quantities in it, sent Black Pedro, the detective, to find the widow and arrest her for murder. He made an elaborate search before he found her in tlie ele­ gant rooms of Senorita Lapureta. As she appeared in answer to his card he said, quiofcly: "Senwa. it ia wy duty to arrest yon!" ~ 1 , "You dare not!" ' ' b:' Her lips were whfte witli passion rather than fetu*. Ho could not fail to remark her wonderful beauty. The picture she presented-was more the ap­ pearance of a queen than a hunted ani­ mal. "I do not doubt your innocence," he said, "but I must do my duty." "Will you allow me to change my dress?" with half a smile. "Certainly. I will Avait for you here." "I also wish to send a messenger for a friend. Will you permit him to pass?" "Certainly." As the woman left the room "Black Pedro" stepped to the window and said to his mate, who was waiting at the street door: "Senora desires to send a messenger for a iriend; permit him to pass." Almost at the same instant the door of the apartment that Senora had en­ tered opened and a youth, apparently a mulatto boy, came out and passed hur­ riedly through the room into the hall and from thence into the street. It was no doubt the messenger, Pedro thought, and he picked up a book and began reading. Nearly an hour passed and still Senora did not make her appearance, nor did the boy return. The friend she had sent for must have lived at some distance, "Black Pedro" thought, or Senora was unusually careful about her toilet, and so another hour went by. At last the detective grew impatient and knocked at the door. "Senora, I can wait no longer." There was no reply. He knocked re­ peatedly, and at last determined to ef­ fect an entrance. Strange fears har­ assed him; he began to suspect he knew not what. It took but a moment to drive in the door, and once in the apart­ ment the mystery was revealed. Senora's robes lay upon the floor, and scattered over the room were suits of boys' wearing apparel, similar to the one worn by the mulatto boy. On a table was a cosmetic that would stain the skin to a light, delicate brown; "Black Pedro" .was foiled for a cer­ tainty. Senora had escaped in the guise of a messenger. Why had he not detected the ruse? He felt'humiliated and de­ termined to redress his error. He knew 6he would not remain in the city an in­ stant longer than she could help. He hurried to her banker's, but found that she had drawn the amount due her an hour before. "Who presented the check?" asked the detective. "A mulatto boy--it was made payable to bearer." There was yet a Chance. A steamer left within an hour for America; it was possible she would seek that means of escape. "Black Pedro" jumped into a carriage and arrived at the wharf ten minntes before the vasnel left--just in time to assist an aged and decrepit gen­ tleman into the cabin. There were few passengers; none of them answered the description of the person the detective sought. He stood on the wharf watch­ ing the receding vessel until it disap­ peared. He was in the act of turning away when a driver of one of the car­ riages at the landing, and who was per­ sonally acquainted with "Black Pedro," approached the officer with the remark: "Pedro, did you see that old man on board; he had a long, white beard and hair that fell on his shoulders?" "Yes." "Why, when he got into my carriage he was a mulatto boy, and when he got out he was an old man!" "Black Pedro" uttered an exclama­ tion that could hardly be used in type when he heard this announcement, for he knew the vessel would be far out at sea before she could be overtaken. He was foiled by a woman. Nor could he help rejoicing, now that the chase was over, that the woman had escaped. In­ nocent or guilty, there was a charm about this woman that none could re­ sist. The spell of her wondrous beauty affected all who approached her. "It lingered for years after in my memory," said "Black Pedro" one day while narrating the incidents of the case, "and I could not have the sin of her blood upon my conscience."--Bos­ ton Globe. fa the silent midnight watches he holds his lonely nocturnal banquets. He says that lie has consulted the best specialists in the country without re­ lief. . They treated him for tape worm but it failed to materialize. Other doc­ tors said that he had swallowed a lizard, but they didn't prove it. Some say he is possessed of an evil spirit. Mr. Morse solemnly states that there is no limit to his appetite and that there is not enough edible material in the country to satisfy him. The vast amount he eats barely serves to keep him alive. After an in­ teresting description of his domestic af­ fairs the hungry man of Essex fades from our horizon with the thrilling oli max, "I will. close here by simply statiug literally starved covers the whole ground."" May his appetite never grow less. # The Minister *>ot Mixed. A South Boston paper narrated the following incident which came under his observation iu St. John, N. B. Two people in middle life sought out an aged and well-known clergyman to tie the connubial knot. , His advanced years had brought him a treacherous memory, at,d, with this uncertain quan­ tity to deal with, he began the ceremo- i "ny. There were luckily no witnesses to the amusing scene but the clergy­ man's daughter-in-law and grandson. The preliminaries over, the ring was asked for. The groom was exceedingly nervous"-* and could not find it. He searched in all his pockets, shook his sleeve, ran his hand down the side of his righ,>< leg in fear of a hole in his pantaloons pocket, -felt of-, his sock, and repeated the process, increasing iti.nerv­ ousness as he certainly did iu blushing and awkwardness. Finally, the old gentleman sat down, while both wit­ nesses assisted the partially married couple to find the missing symbol of their union. Down on their knees they got, and turned up the corner of the rug, and peered under the sofa, and al­ together made a most ludicrous sight. Meantime the clergyman's mnemonic faculty failed him. He forgot where he was, and could not be made to un­ derstand the mission "of the strange lady and gentleman. It ought to be added that he also was very deaf. Fearing complications, his daughter-in-law sent the grandson for the regular minister of the parish. At last the ring was found in an obscure corner, whither it had rolled, and the parties to the sus­ pended contract tried to look resigned" under the aggravating circumstances. The ministerial gentleman waked out of his reverie and said to the lady of the house: "Who is this couple?" The answer was almost a shovt, aft^r which he subsided a moment, and then . continued: "How long have you been married?" They really didn't know how much they were married, but stammered out a reply that was completely lost on him, for in a minute or so he capped the conversation by inquiring: "How many children ha^aifeon got?" .This was too much, ana would have oonvulsed the suffering victims had not the regular minister arrived and com­ pleted the services.--Boston HeraUL me at'all ? the window? Surely he must have teken me for a burglar." However, at that ^moment, no man A|K>rn of a woman could have experienced "4 more fervent hope that such might be case, for I argued that they would sg>pear soon and capture me. But the minutes rolled into hours, «ptil I thought that it must be about H o'clock. , In order to occupy my mind, for I «4&rald not sleep, I rang the bell vehe- 'flaaently and tried to produce as much Ipoise as possible, but my efforts were in v*ain. good morning. I just came across something very funny. As I was. walking along the street I saw a man slip on a banana peel." "Yes." "And all the bystanders set up a peal of laughter?" "Did they." "Of course. Don't you see? Stepped on a peel, you know, and peal of laugh­ ter--probably because it ap-pealed to their risibilities, so they 'riz' right up and laughed, by means, of course, of their rizabilities." "Oh, yes; ha, ha. I see." "Now, can you teil me what is the difference between a couple of bound boys and a needy man who made an ar Plainer and plainer was the prospiect! tesian well ?" be immured in this tomb until morn-! "I don't know mng--what then? To-morrow would be ®undav; and, of course, nobody would J ^appear at the office. * And now, kind reader, I am ashamed w %> tell you that I began to weep; yes, to : "Veep bitterly--all the tomfoolery I had rj" ^committed; all the apples I. had stolen 'rt 1 4n my youth; all the lies I had told to "•ny mother; every glass of beer I had ^ consumed in excess, every girl had T^issed without her permission, appeared l>efore me like furies and demanded re- tfenge. '$ •: I longed for sleep, insensibility; yes, ' even death; but no help, I was des- 4". tined to drink the' bitter cup to the • <lregs. ; But listen, what is that? There, is *^«n alarm on the stwet. gf " My heart pulsated stronger. , Perhaps, I thought, they will arrest ' How thankful I would have been if I toould have occupied the dirtiest and ' *larkest prison cell in company with the most loathsome tramp. f r I heard the noise of galloping horses, alas, it was the fire department, i#: - Jfor several hours all was silence; you ve Why, the first worked for board, and the second bored for work." "Uh-huh." "Do you know why men who swear never say anything of real depth?" "No." * "Because their remarks are cursory.' "Now, why is " I don't know, and what's more I don't care; if you want this room you can have it. I've got to go away, and when you leave please tack a card on the out­ side of the door saying that gone."-- Washington Post. A Puzzle for Psychologists. Water Superintendent Pierson was in his office one day last week. Shortly after 10 o'clock he suddenly placed his hand on his side and exclaimed that there was a strange sensation, a distress in the region of the heart. In a few mo­ ments a messenger came to him ntifl told him t|iat bis father was dying, When he reached home his father was dead--of heart failure. The sensation experienced by the son was identical in point of time with theCl heart, pains of nisfather's illness.--Catskill Recorder. The World's Hungriest Man. An eldery gentleman who signs him­ self, "Respectfully Yours, Samuel Morse, The Hungry Man, Essex, Mass. Exchanges please copy," communicates with us concerning his gastronomical infelicities. His interesting narrative sparkles with humor, pathos and hun­ ger. As a freak, Mr. Morse considers that he stands high and modestly esti­ mates that he is the hungriest man that ever lived. We deeply sympathize with Mr. Morse in his unfortunate con­ dition, but he seems to be laboring un­ der the misapprehension that the Globe office is a menagerie or a museum of enriosities. While we are always glad to be kept informed of the condition of Mr. Morse's "Ravenous Appetite," we would respectfully refer him to the really excellent zoological garden in New York, or the worthy Museum of Natural History in the same place, where his digestive peculiarities would undoubtedly be a drawing card. Thirteen years ago, so he writes, his internal arrangements got out of gear in,a very mysterious manner. He was then 48 years old, and had always been robust. He started by being tired for several months, and then indulged in a couple of well developed boils and a carbuncle. Then it was that the double-jointed, boiler-plated, copper- rivited appetite appeared, and for thir­ teen years he has never eatenenough to Batisfy it. His appetite increases in proportion to the amount he eats and one pound of steak simply creates a desire for another pound. It is a very accomodating appetite in one way, how­ ever, as mouldy bread tastes just as good as quail-on-toast or canvas-back. He also reports a heavy-coated tongue, which may be considered as an exhibi­ tion of extreme modesty. Mr. Morse relates that he "has frequently to rise in the night and eat every available thing that comes within reach without a particle of satisfaction." He would m&ke a valuable contribution to sci­ ence by stating some of his ftEpatiences in digesting straw ticks, feather pillows, Merciful to Apaches. J. B. Shepard, of Arizona, is the champion Indian story-teller of the West. Speaking of Gen. Crook, he says: "I'll never forget when I fought beside Gen. Orook in an Apache battle. We had been after the redskins some days, and one night we sighted a band at Crazy Jim's Gulch. The General started us on a run, and the way we sailed after the Apaches was a caution. They stopped and set fire to the prairie grass, hoping to head us off, but we fooled them. When they saw that they couldn't get away they rounded up their ponies in a circle and stood in the cen­ ter. We skirmished around a bit and then sailed in. Gen. Crook has a heart like an ox, and he said: 'Boys, just slay a few dozen of the warriors. Don't kill all, just enough to let them know that we are the people'. Twas a swel­ tering day and there wasn't a spot oa the sun. After throwing off our coats and rolling up our trousers we opened fire. In a few seconds the Apaches be­ gan to drop. Taking advantage of an open place I led a crowd right into the midst of the Indians. Suddenly my pistol was hurled from my hand and I had to work with an old sword. Being pretty handy with the big knife I more than held my own. I had just laid out my tenth man when I felt a touch on the elbow. The air was so filled with Indian hair you could not see the sun, and I asked: * 'Who is there?" „ " 'Gen. Crook,' was the reply. " 'What is it, sir?' 14 'I wish to restrain you,' spoke the General. 'There is nothing I admire so much^as a good fighter--you know that, Jim, but when it comes to turning this little spot of piairie into a slaugh­ ter-house, I kick.' "Appreciating the fact that I had gone too far, I withdrew, but from that day until now Gen. Crook and I have been like two brothers." Hopelessly Absent-Minded. The freaks of absent-minded people are often amusing to hear of, but so great is the inconvenience which they cause to their perpetrators and to their friends that one never hears of them without the feeling that absent-minded­ ness is to be shunned as a disease, and fought against in every possible way. An amusing instance of the plight into which the absent-minded man may con­ trive to get himself occurred at an or­ dination in Maine not long since, when a number of clergymen were gathered to ordain one of their brethren. The place was a country town, and the visitors, instead of being quartered at hotels, were distributed among the society at whose church the ordination was to take place. Doctor Blank, who was to preach the sermon, stayed with an old deacon, and, as it chanced, was quartered in a room upon the door of which was » spring lock. Just as the moYnent came for driving to church, Doctor Blank appeared in the parlor where the family were wait­ ing, and announced that when he bad come out of his room he had forgotten to put the catch on the lock down, and had left on the table within not only the key, but the sermon he was about tc deliver. For an instant there was complete consternation, but fortunately the son of the family recollected that there was a duplicate key, which was produced, and the doctor went placidly upstairs after the manuscript. Three minutes later he reappeared, with an expression of mingled con­ trition and despair upon his face, and explained that when he got to his room he could not remember what he had eome for, and that laying down the key, he had started to ask, and bad been brought to his senses when the dooi once more swimg to behind him, and he realized that it had agajn shut in his sermon. There was no locksmith within call, and it would bave been a desperate case for the doctor had not the son once more come to the rescue by procuring a ladder, and climbing in at the window of the chamber. He took the (ilottble precaution of tak- g from the table his own key, and of ating the door open with a chair against it, and the clergyman who was profuse in bis thanks, once more went upstair to get his sermon.. When he came down,, the family started for church, and just as they reached it the hostess remarked, with a smile, that the congregation would never know how near they came to hav­ ing no sermon. At the words a sudden paleness oame- ever the face of Doctor Blank. "I havn left iit at home after all f" be gasped, holding out the key to his room. "I took the kev instead!" Horace Greeley's Favorite Cut. Hall, the chief messenger at tbe Custom Housej ctiltivated his suave manner when he was the head waiter at the Astor House. He ushers into Col­ lector Erhardt's presence nearly every day men who are known throughout the country. But nothing pleases him more than to recall the days when he served Horace Greeley,, who dined for years at the Astor House. Dinner there at that' time was served on the American plan, and was from 12 m. until 3 p. m. "1 used to carve/' said Hall, "and when 1 had reached the twenty-fourth ox twenty-fifth cut in a rib of roast beef, I knew that it was time for Mr. Greeley to come in. He liked the twenty-fourth or twenty-filth cut, because, I suppose, the meat in that part of the roast was done exactly to-suit his taste;. When 1 had got to Mr. Greeley's cut, I used to run my knife around the rim of it and remove all the overdone edge 01 fat, which he did not like. We heaped up tlie plate with potatoes, green peas and beans--Mr. Greeley was a great hand for green peas--and sent it in to him. "Mr. Greeley generally stopped for a few minutes in the office to ehat with people there before sitting down to din­ ner. But at*the table he talked very little. He was not a great eater, but he always wanted plenty of food. I never knew him to send his plate out twice for beef, although I have known him to call for a second 'helping' of vegeta­ bles. He was always good to the port­ ers and waiters, often stopping to chat with them. And he always tipped us, too."--New York Tribune. Made a Discovery. An officer patrolling through East Grand Circus Park at midnight the other night found a man sitting under a tree, and he promptly inquired: "What are you doing here?" • "Taking a rest," was the answer.» "Well, move on or I'll take you in!" "You can'J) do it!" "What's that?" "You can't do it! £ay a hand on me and I'll paralyze you!" The officer grabbed him, stood him up, cracked his heels in the air, slammed him down and stood him up again and said: "Now will you come along?" "Oh, certainly," was the mild reply. " I thought you 'were going to par­ alyze me." ""So did L I felt as brave as a lion until you took hold of me, and my courage then went like a flash. Say, I must be what they call a bluffer ?" "You are." "Fight best with my mouth?" "Exactly." "Well, it's curious. I've often hank­ ered to fight, and Tve scared big men out of their boots, and all the time I was only a duffer of a bluffer, ready to give in if anybody had gone for me. Well, well, but what a curious animal man is! Ring for the wagon and look me up."--Detroit Free Press. WE had been looking at the statue of Edward Everett in the Boston Public Garden, and I had tried to tell the children something of his great power as an orator, says a contributor to Wide Awake. Sidney, aged 8, listened appreciatively, then he said, "And now he just stands up there and says, 'Keep off the grass.'" A BUTCHKB knows how to make both reversible wire bed springs and other 1 ends meat, if yon {(iyehim the proper delicacies that are within reach when prteer. Turned Two Pages at Once. The citizens of a Virginia town not long since had been given due notice, through the local papers, that on a cer­ tain evening Mr. Barnes would give an illustrated lecture at the Baptist Church. There was a large attendance, and at the appointed hour the church was darkened and the entertainment commenced, the lecturer fronting the audience, while his assistant, who ma­ nipulated the apparatus and produced the views, was stationed in the gallery at the back of the church. The affair was progressing with great satisfaction when the lecturer announced that the next view would be the National Bridge of Virginia, much to the wonder of the audience, who saw not even a place for a bridge, natural or unnatural, in the little village of a Western State, when his very enthusiastic description was interrupted by his colleague in the gallery, whose angrv voice shouted over the heads of the people: "For heaven's sake, stop. Bill, you've turned two pages at once." • It was then the people learned that the lecturer had been reading his won­ derful descriptions from a book and had not been careful in turning the leaves, hence the blunder.-- Wax king ton Post In an Opera Sox. Miss Undreste--How exceedingly vulgar that Miss Hu,yuck is! I over­ heard her saying to Mrs. Princhap that the great heat of the auditorinm made her wish she could strip and cool off. Mr. Rounder--Yes, such remarks-- except as quotations, of course--are very unpleasant. Why didn't she strip and cool off and say nothing, like the other girls? Miss Undreste (looking up slyly after a satisfactory glance at her own plump charms)--Oh she isn't very strong, poor girl, and one's lungs need some covering even at this temperature, you know. Wanted the Disguise Effectual.. Customer--I want to get a mask. Salesman--Yes, sir. This way, please. These woven masks are quite popular. You'll find them-- Customer--Them bind won't do. I've got to go to a masquerade this evening and personate a New York millionaire asking for contributions for the Grant monument fund. I want something that will hide my faoe entirely.--Chi­ cago Tribune. LovEus who would avoid quarrels ihoold never stroll in cross roads. Romance on the Rail. Tbe "overland flyer" was nearly an hour behind time,-and two drummers who had exhausted the joys of two- handed high five, absorbed the con­ tents of a pocket companion, and for some time had been reviliner the soulless corporation in whose gilded car tuey were being transported, finally cea«ed talking from sheer weariness ond list­ ened with drowsy interest to the con­ versation going on between a very pretty girl and a good-looking old lady who occupied the seat jast across the aisle from them. "Ye-<," the old lady was saying, "this is the first time I have ever been west." "How.do you like Nebraska, judging from what you have seen of it?" asked the girl. "It appears to be a lovely country, but," and the kind old lady grew more confidential, "I don't think I ever would have left Pennsylvania, where I was born and have lived all my life until now, if my husband had not died-- about a year ago. It seemed so lone; some there then." Here she came near breaking down, and the sweet- faced young lady looked sympathetic, while the drummers grew more inter­ ested. "I hwre a son who lives at North PJatte and who is an engineer. He runs between North Platte and Sidney. He is going to be married .noonr and he has been writing to me to eome out and live with him fer some timey and so I settled up all my affairs in my old home and am on my way to the new home." "Why," said the girl, "I live sn North Platte and am on the way home from a visit to' friends at Grand Island. What is your son's name? Perhaps- I am acquainted with him. "Charley Stanton. Do> yow know him," she asked. As-the-mame was given the- dirum- mers, who apparently were paving no attention to the conversation across the aisle, noticed the girl start suddenly and exhibit tfonsiderablo'omotion, which the older, woman did not observe. Fin­ ally the young girl answered calmly: "Yes, I know him well."' "I am'glad to hear it,"'smiled the1 old lady, "ancVperhaps you s^lso know the girl he is going to marry; He lu*s written whole pages about how beauti­ ful and good> his Minnie is. She is very nice, I expect, but young; men always view their sweethearts in rather a par­ tial light. Don't you think so, Miss?" "Indeed I do," said the girl, who was blushing and evidently very much in­ terested. "Well," continued the other,."I hope she will make him a good! wife; for no mother ever had a better boy than my Charley has been to me." The sweet-faced girl hesitated! a> mo­ ment, and then, to the inexpressible de­ light of the two traveling men, kissed her amazed and kindly face, and. said earnestly: "I am the Minnie who he is to marry, and you may be sure that I will try to deserve such a husband and suoh a mother." At this happy termination 1 the two* drummers, whose countenances ex­ pressed the joy they felt, silently and secretly but emphatically shook hands, and a half an hour later when the train stopped at the depot in North Platte* and a tall, handsome man came eagerly down to the plalform, andi seeing the familiar faces in the same seat took them both in his strong arms and joy­ ously led them away, a olbse observer would have seen tears in the eyes of both the drummers. "I would give a great deal for suoh a wife as Charley Stanton Avill get,." said one of them with a sigh;. "And I would give -all1 I possess for such a mother as he has,"' observed his friend, who has been an orphan since' childhood. The bell rang, then, the conductor- shouted "All aboard," and the "over­ land flyer" was off for the- west.--Oma­ ha Bee. , A Rare Love>Letter. In the "Life of Harriet Beecher Sto*o<r by her son is given a love-letter of Prof. Calvin E. Stowe to his wife, written be­ fore "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was given to the world. It is interesting, therefore,, as being prophetic of her power a>nd fame; but still more as a> picture of wo­ manly character which should be framed and placed conspicuously in every household, as the Vicar of Wake­ field kept his epitaph of his wife in her sight to remind her of what she ought to be. This love-letter would be valuable in teaching the wife to cultivate every noble, and to repress ever ignoble, trait; the husband to recognize and ap­ preciate all her true excellence; and the young persons of the family to seek not only the unfolding gifts and graces, but that balance and harmony which wins and preserves real affection. "My dear, yjott must be a literary wo­ man. It is/so written in the book of fate. Maje# all your calculations ac­ cordingly. Get a good stock of health, and brush up your mind. Drop the E out of your name. It only oncumbers it and interferes with the flow and euphony. "Write yourself fully and always Harriet Beecher Stowe, which is a name euphonious, flowing and full of mean­ ing. Then mv word for it, your hus­ band will lift up his head in the gate, and your children will rise up and call you blessed. "And now, my dear wife, I want you to come home as quick as you can. The fact is I cannot live without you, and if we were not so prodigious poor I would come for you at once. There is no wo­ man like you in this wide world. Who else has so much talent with so little self-conoeit; so much reputation with so little affectation; so much literature with so little nonsense; so much enter­ prise with so little extravagance; so much tongue with so little scold; so much sweetness with so little softness; so much of so manv things and so little of so many other things?" A Popular Dance. Firs': Sweet Girl--Oh, you should dance Strauss' new minute waltz; it's perfectly lovely! Second Sweet Girl--I hate those poky old miuute figures. "Oh, it isn't like the old minute at all. It's too lovely for anything! You waltz a while, and then the music changes and you go off in a corner and hug."-- New York Weekly. Not Sold in Job Lots. "I found, the other day, a drummer who had been on the road three years and had made only one sale," he said, as he leaned over the cigar case. Nobody believed him. "What did he sell?" asked the whisky irummer. "Suspensionbridges."--Atlanta Con­ stitution. •ORE OB LESS AMUSISiG. ACCORDISO to Its State--"is toi ls* toxicating?" "Only in Maine." THE man who is after a woman's own heart is the man she prefers. MEN" use the same rule ia judging champaign that women use in judging men. If it is good it pops. "How is your baby, Smith?" "It's stolen. "Stolen!" "Yes." "How is that?" "Tlie nurse cribs it every night.'" THESE seems to be an antipathy toward female lawyers. Come to think of it, wo don't like to see our mother in law. ANGELINA--Do von believe that love flies out of the window when poverty comes in at tbe door? Howard--If ft does it goes ont for a divorce. ' IF there is ever a time when it's m- blessing for a man to be blind it Is when he is in love. He can't see what a fool he is making of himself. SHE -- Edward, the minister has asked me to sing at the- concert for the church fund and I-- He (eagerly)-- Oh, go by all means, I never did have mnch love for that parsony or his con­ gregation. A PASHTEB of a Kentucky bank re­ cently opened the doors- of ther vault, wbenr to his alarm, a snake crawled out. It is not neceissary to eaplain whaft the cashier opeusl before he opened the vault. MIL ^SOFTHEAD (fervently)--Mary, my darling, thou art so dear to me, bless thee! Mary's father (who is in the caller gazing savagely at the gas meter »--Softhead, thou art very dear to me, too^. blast thee! MRSI. HAYSRJEO--What's all that hoot-.. ing and; yelling1 out on the road- tfftis time of night? Mrs. Pitchfork--The Prohibition Committee had the$z monthly meeting to-night at Farmer Apple's,, and I guess he set up the hard cider. • SHE--JJre-yow fond of music, Mr, Snell? He--Well, I don't know--tell you the truth, we've had a piano in the house so long that I really don't ne> member; but I think--that is to sayvT have a faint impression--I was fondi of it a great* many years ago. COWBOY (striding int© the round-up saloon)--Gimme' a drink, an' be quick about it if ye-know w twit's good fer ye. 1- ain't going to pay fer it, nuther. Expe­ rienced Bartender (suddenly covering.* Jriin with a revolver)--What'llye haye?1 t Cowboy (bl an ohing)--Water. I s'pose | that's the only dirink that's free. WILLETS--So Pauline Gushington,. i the poetess, i» your wife, eh ? You're a lucky dog to be married to a woman S who is so loving as site mnst be. Mil- ; lets--I don't know'aboirt that. You see, she writes that'kind of truck for money, and she is not in the kriHt of < tnlhiug 1 shop around home: / v ) AN- INCIDEHT. Tha horses gave a^tart ami' flew Along with eqoiDe madness-- The- sleigh upBOt, and the loving two. Were plunged from mirth to sadness. His- hen<1 was banged agr.lnnt a reek, Her hair lay banged against her forehead; She yelped a yell at the 6uslden shock. And he swore a sweair that sounded honfd. The team ran bang i nto a wait- But tbe wheelwhright's bill, eg*d, banged all. JUDOE--Prisoner at the bar, before I pass sentence* upon you,. I cannot ie- frain from expressing my surprise that a man who has haxl all the advantages of a collegiate education should be found at the head of a mob of rioters. Prisoner--Why,, great snakes, judge, that was a part- of nay collegiate train­ ing. STREET Car- ffbtron- (wrathfully)--Do you know, sir,, the conductor of car 492 is* the most insolent, most unfeeling brute that ever held a punch? Super­ intendent--Yes? and I wish we had more like him. "Eh? You do?" "Yes, indeed. You he makes so many enemies that he> couldn't steal a cent from the company without being re­ ported." MR. NEWWE» (with suppressed emo­ tion) --The last time I went to the club and came home late, I found you asleep, and in your sleep you mur­ mured,• "Come to-morrow night, as usual, my darling; my husband will be away." Now, madame, I have re* remained at home every night since, but have been unable to identify my rival, and I demand an explanation. Pretty wife (fondly) -- I--wasn't-- asleep. • It Was Fixed for John. "My husband doesn't chew any more tobacco," said a newly-married woman to a party of friends, "or at least , he doesn't where I can see him." "How did you stop him?" they all asked. "The moiling after we were mar­ ried," began the lady, "and he and I were sitting on the front porch, I no­ ticed he was ill at ease, and finally I asked him what was the matter with hiip. " 'My darling,' he said, taking my hands, 'there is something that I should have told you before we were married. " 'What is it?' I gasped, as the vision of another woman swept over me. " 'Love,' he answered, 'I am an in­ veterate tobacco-chewer. Can yo*, will you, forgive me ?' "As he finished I' slipped my hands from his and, drawing out a box of snuff and a brush, I said: " 'Oh, John, 1 am so glad yon spoke of it, for I'm nearly crazy for a dip/ "His face was a picture, I can tell you, and in less than three minutes we had entered into a solemn compact to forever abstain from the weed." v ' "And did you really use snuff before you were married?" asked one ol the ladies. "No," answered the wife, "but I was fixed loir John."--Atlanta Constitu­ tion. ; • . . ; * Papa's Wise Counsel Little Boy (wrestling with a lejflon on electricity)---Papa, what's a volt?• Papa (stumped)--Urn-look in the dictionary. Little Boy (huuting it up and read­ ing)--Volt--"The unit of eleotro-motive force. One volt will force one ampere of current through one ohtn of resist­ ance." Whats an ampere, papa? Papa (with emotion)--Look in the dictionary. » ' Little Boy (after a moment)--"Am- pere-The unit of strength of the current per second. Its value is the quality of fluid which flows per second through one ohm of resistance when impelledby one volt." Papa, what's ohm mean? Papa (wildly)--Look in the diction­ ary. " Little Boy (after a search)--"Ohm-- The "nit of resistance represented by the resistance through which one am­ pere of current will-flow at a pressure of one volt." Papa, what-- Papa (desperately)--Look in the die- tionary. When you want to know any IT was an ingenious boy who ex plained liis muddv clothes by saying he - . - had been trying to put a potato patch tbing always look m the dictionary, and a* tbe seat of his I Sg11.!?111 ton Republican. Weekly. \ ... ^ / '1 ' -»*v - ^ 1 'L/h.^e a