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mswmm'! When •tiv my > ,jT*e|w1>*t 't.*iw. »HMill4ttrr»i)('H i ll li*n) jwxl neighbors iweuty y< A-hatni each other, mo 'nd 3 .•ibtviii' his oplnyia uv m«, 'N<i J bavin' mv oi»iuj in HV him! *t3f»w «|) together "nd wouldn't speak. r Oonriwi winter*, 'nd marr'd 'em, to: TwtxUxi Mime mMtln' house oncet a wflk, A-batir. each other, through and through! %«I -when Abe IJnkern askwi the West JTY <K)l<iier8, we answered, me and Jim, 4f« bavin' his ciunyin uv ine, . 'Rd X havin' my oi>iuyin uv him.1 tf " ' - 1M down in Tennessee one night» ^ ' Thwy wnz Bonnd uv firin' on' w#y» -• / *1M the Sergeant allowed there'd be a fight With the Johnnie Kebs some time nex' day; ""Nd as I \vU7, thinkin uv Ijizzie 'nd home, Jim t-tood afore me, long 'nd aliuxi , ' 3fcle havin'his opinyiu uv me, 'Nd I havin' my opinyin uv liimt . ^Seemed like we knew there wn* Serious trouble f'r me and him; • ' *0* two Bohuck hands, did Jim iidm% But never a word from me or J iml JHe went his way, 'nd I went mine, , 'Nd into the battle roar went we, havin' my opinyin uv Jim, 'Nd he havin' his opinyin uv me. • Jinr never come back from the war agin, But I hain't forgot that last, last night, "When wait in' f'r orders, us two men ( Hade up 'nd schuck hands afore "*Ndafter all, it's soothin' to know: That here I be, 'nd yonder's Jim; ' j* Be havin' his opinyin uv me, * vK< *Nd I havin' my opiuyiuuv lurnt Pilot. <CLUB LIFE. Engineer's Story. MR KDWIN KOIUXSON. a I am an engineer. Ever since C was laid, 1'va traveled ever it every day, or nearly every day, of my life." , For a good while I have had the same •engine in charge--tlie San Francisco-- 'the prettiest engine on the road, and as 'well managed, if I say it, as the best It was a southern road, running, we -'say, from A-- to Z--. At A--a good old mother lived; at Z I had the sweetest little wife under the sun, and a -baby: and I always had a dollar or two .pat by for a raiuy day. I was an odd <kind of a man. Being shut up in the en- igine, watching with all your eyes, and -heart, and soul, inside .and out, don't -make a man talkative. My wife's name was Josephine, and I 'called her Joe. Some people called me nnsociable, and couldn't, understand how a man could be friendly without saying ten words an hour. So, though J had a few old friends--dear ones, too --I did not have so many acquaintances *aa most pebple, and did not care to 4»ve. The house that held my wife mi'i baby was the dearest place on earth to me, except the old house whifch held y mother up in A- . f never belonged to a club, or mixed Jtnyself up with strangers in any such jw»y„and never should if it had not , bee#for Granby, who was one of the • shareholders--a handsome, showy fel­ low. I liked to talk with him, aud we "were good friends. He often rode from Z to A antl back again, and once he eaid: "You ought to belong to the Scientific ^lub, Gueldon." "Never heard of if," said I. "lam a member," said he. "We meet NMttce in a fortnight, and have a jolly good time. We want thinking men like yon. We want some among us now. -I'll propose you, if you like." Iwas fond of such things, and I had * ideas that I fancied might be worth ; something. But then an engiueer don't I iiave days and nights to himself, and - fhe club would have one evening in a i fortnight from Joe. I said: "I'll ask her. If she likes it, Jjflk? "Ask whom ?" said he. - ""My wife," said I. "If every man had **ked his wife, very man's wife would have said, Can't spare you, my dear,' and. we • should have no club at all/ said * fjrva»bv. * fcEut I made no answer. At home I told Joe. She said: "Then, if Granby belongs to it, they •ttnst be superior men." "Jfo doubt," said L ~It isn't everybody who could be made « member," said Joe. "Why, of course, jyoa must say yes." •15® I said yes, and Granby proposed *3Dtte. Thursday night I went with him "to the room. Theo» were some men j^here with brains and some without. The real basin ess dl, the evening was 'the scppSr, and so it Vas every even- always been a temperate man. I ally did not know what effect wine wdjuld have upon me; but, coming to drink more of it than I ever had, at the club-table, I found it put the steam on. After so many glasses, I wanted to talk; after so many more, I did. I seemed like somebody else, the words were so My little ideas came out, and were listened to; I made sharp hits; 1 indulged in repartee; I told stories; I •even came to puns; I heard some one -•^Say to Granby: ""By George, that's a man worth ^knowing. I thought him dull at first." Yet I knew it was quiet Ned Guel­ don, with his ten words an hour, than ^ttm wine-made wit I was. I was sure of -it, when, three hours after, I stumbled <ap stairs, to find Joe waiting for me, **with her babe on her breast. ""You've been deceiving me," she said. -She suspected it, but I-wasn't sure. "A '^scientific clnb couldn't smell like a bar- Jrooxn." ""Which means I do," said I, waving the middle of the room like a flng at station, and seeing two Joes. A M J 1 ltlr a A w ' 1 1 %hat night I felt that I had forgotten taj jpromise and my resolution. I couldn't go home to Joe. I made Hp my mind to sleep on the club-sofa, and leave the place for good next day. Already I felt my brain reel as I never ibsd before. ID an hour I was in the land of stupor. It was morning. A waiter stood ready to brusuSny ooat. I saw a grin Upon his face. My head seemed ready to burst; my hand trembled. I looked at my watch; I saw that I had only five tninutes to reach the depot. Joe's words came to my mind. Was I fit to take charge of an engine? I was not fit to answer. I ought to have asked some sober man. As it was, I only caught up my hat and rushed away. I was just in time. The San Fran­ cisco glittered in the morning sun. The cars were filling rapidly. From my post I could hear the talking--bidding each other good bye, promising to write and come again. Among them was an -old gentleman I knew by sight--one of the shareholder^; he was bidding two timid girls adieu. "Good-bye, Kitty--good-bye, Lue," I heard him say. "Don't be nervous, the San Francisco is the safest engine on the line, and Gueldon the most Qareful engineer. I wouldn't be afraid to trust every mortal in the batch to their keep­ ing. Nothing could happen wrong with the two together." | I said, "I'll get through it somehow, aud Joe shall never talk to me again." After all it was easy enough. I reeled as I spoke. I heard the signal. We were off. Five hours from L-r-'-- to D----, five hours back. On the last I should be myself again, I knew. I saw a red flag flutter, but I never guessed what it was until we passed the down train at the wrong place. Two minutes more and we should have had a collision. Some­ body told me; I laugbefl. I heard him say, respectfully: "Of course, Mr. Gueldon, you know what you are about ?" Then I was alone, and wondering whether I should go slower or faster. I }lid something, and the cars rushed on at a fearful rate. The same mau who had spoken to me before was standing near me. I heard some questions. How many miles an hour are we mak­ ing ? I did not know. Eattte, rattle, rattle. I was trying to slacken the speed of the San Francisco. I could not remember what I should do. Was it this or that? Faster--only faster. I was playing with* the epgine like a child. Suddenly there was a horrible roar-- a crash. I was flung somewhere--it was into the water. By a miracle I was only sobered--not hurt. I gained the styore. I stood upon the ground . be­ tween the track and the river's edge, and then gazed at my own work. The engine was jn fragments, the cars in splinters; the dead, dying and wounded were strewn around--men, women, and children, old age and tender youth. There were groans and shrieks of despair. The maimed cried out in paita; the injured bewailed their dead; and a voice, unheard by any other, was in my ear, whispering, "Murder!" The news had gone back to A , and people came thronging back to find their lost ones. Searching for an old man's daughter, I came to a place un­ der trees, and five bodies were lying* there in ail their rigid horror--an old woman, a young one, a baby, and two children. It was fancy--it was pure fancy, borne to anguish. They looked like-- oh, great heavens! cold and dead---- How did they come on the train? What chance had brought this about? I gazed on the good old tace of her who had given me birth, on the lovely fea­ tures of my wife, on the innocent chil­ dren. I called them by name. There was no answer. There never could be --never would be. And as I compre­ hended this, on the uj?-track came thun­ dering another train. Its red eye glared on me; I flung myself before it; I felt it crush me to atoms. "His head is very hot," Baid some­ body. ^ I opened my eyes and saw my wife. "How do you feel?" she said; "a little better?" I was so rejoiced and astonished by the sight of her, that I could not speak at first. She repeated the question. "I must be crushed to pieces," said I, "for the train passed over me; but I feel no pain." "There he goes about the train again," remarked my wife. "Why, Ned!" I tried to move; there was* nothing the matter with me; I sat up. I was in my own room, opposite the crib in which two children were asleep. My wife and children were safe. Was I delirious, or could it be r "Joe," cried I, "just tell me how it happened. "It's 9 o'clock," said Joe. "You came in such a dreadful state from the club that I couldn't wake you. You were not fit to manage steam, and risk peo­ ple's lives. * The San Francisco is half way to A , I suppose, and you have been frightening me to death with your dreadful talki" And Joe began to cry. It was a dream--only an awfttl dream. But I had lived through it all as though it was reality. "Is there a Bible in the house, Joe?" said L "Are we heathens?" "Give it to me this moment, Joe. She brought it, and I put my hand j on it, and took an oath (too solemn to beauti opera tl i' irrepresjo death in a whole nest of a box a comic ;ht was one of those res that famine or control. She looked gen the and good, but her actions con­ vinced the on-lookers that there were chances of her having partaken quite freely of the glass that inebriates dur­ ing her last dinner, for, besides the roseate flush that beamed over her cheeks, there was a deviltry of manner about her that could not have been absolutely innate. It so chanced that the stout and bald gentleman playing upon the bass viol stood immediately beneath the box wherein the pretty girl was sitting, so close to her, in fact, that the long handle of his viol extended upward almost to her perfect nose. For some moments after the opera be­ gan the girl gazed interestedly at the instrument, without apparently listen­ ing to the music that progressed on the stage. Then, while no one but myself was watching, she leaned for ward "and, extending a gloved hand, twirled one of the keys out of place. There was, a moment later, a severe discord that caused the leader of the ochestra to glance sharply' round, and then the prima donna was thrown out of tune by the false notes that continued to come from the big fiddle. The fat player reached excitedly up to the keys of "his instrument and placed it into tune again, but no sooner had he done so tiian the wicked girl in the box reached forward and unscrewed several of the keys at once. It was at an important time during a solo, while the viol was being utilized as the principal accom­ paniment. and the horrible discords that moaned forth were more than the audience could bear. The prima donna stopped short in her song, the ochestra conductor banged his baton madlv against his music.rack, and every player in the band lost his head, the result be­ ing chaos of the worst kind. And while this insanity reigned the cause of it all, the pretty girl in the box, Bat calmly back in her chair, making faces of sor­ row at the misfortune that prevailed around her. Wheu the player of the bass viol got his instrument back into condition again and the opera was pro­ gressing smoothly, the mischevious beauty looked fully as innocent as the best scholar in a convent school, and •no one but she atid I were conscious that she was a little aevil Avith the face of a saint. Another exploit was more commend­ able. It was a very windy Sunday morning, and the people on Fifth ave­ nue, as they came from church, were holding tight to their hats and the ladies did their utmost to look graceful and dignified, while the brisk breeze swirled their skirts clingingly about them. Just in front of the reservoir near Forty- first street a particularly sharp gust of wind lifted the high hat from the head of an old gentleman who was paSsing, carrying it over the high iron fence and depositing it upon the narrow strip of lawn beyond. The unfortunate loser stood irresolute 'with a half abashed smile on his face and lifted his hand to shield his head, which was only sparsely covered with white hair, from the icy air. There was no gate to pass through and the only way by which the hat could be recovered was by vaulting the iron fence, which was about six feet high. At first no one of­ fered to do this and it seemed as though he would be compelled to walk home without his hat, when, of a sudden, a strong, hearty and handsome girl of some fifteen years of age, dressed in the plain clothes of a well-to-do working girl, sprang towards the fence and called to her companion, a young woman a few years older than herself, to give her a hand. With this assistance the girl was lifted to the crown of the fence and, amid a fascinating flutter of white linen and black stockings, she hopped And look like one," said Joe; and he repeated here) that what had hap- *be went and locked herself and the '^baby up in a spare bedroom together. "Ned," said she, "do you think noth- ®ing so much like a bottled-up and atrapped-down demon as steam is, is fit "to put in the hands of a drunken man? -And some day, mark mv words, the time •will come when not only Thursday pened never should occur again. It never has. And if the San Francisco ever comes to grief, the verdict will not be, as it ought to be so often, "The engineer got drunk." But He Couldn't. , A couple of men who were playing .night, but all the days of the week will I c^rds in a Michigan avenue saloon ' the ^>e the same. I've often heard you won- other day got into a dispute, and one of «der what the feelings of an engineer them brought his fist down on the ta- Vjwbo has about the same as murdered a ble with the exclamation: 'train full of people must be, * and you "will know, if you don't stop where you - are. A sturdy hand and a clear head • have been your blessings all these . years. Don't throw them av^ay, Ned. If you don't oare for my love, don't ruin ; yourself." My little Joe. She spoke from her «-%eart, and I bent over and kissed her. One club night, as I was dressed to -tgo, Joe stood before me. "Ned," said she, "I never had a fault " <o find with you before. You've been ; land, and loving, and good always, but I can lick you out of vour boots in two minutes !* I guess you can," replied the other I can lick you and the whole famiiy behind you "Oh, no." "Yes, I can!" "I don't believe it." "But I know I can!' The mild-mannered man turned to the crowd and asked: "father BiH, Jim, Tonij Henry> Wallace, Stephen, George. Andrew, do you hear that? Mother and Ann and ' <» in this way. Don't ask me what Wean; you know." "Joe," said I, "it's only one club , : Might." "It will grow," said she. . Then she put her arms around mr elena were in one _ of the pe<$>le were ammo&iaugbing at the business. Btd«pend<mU . • * -- ^ t Bnd Beys. The recent sudden death of Major General Crook brings to light the fact that he was a " bad boy." While at West Point he stood low in his class, and was so frequently punished for in­ fractions of the rules that^ he actually hated that institution--so much ro that he never could be induced to revisit it. Grant and Sherman were bad boye while at West Point, and Sheridan was so bad ihat he came very near being expelled. All these bad boys afterward became historic, and were anythjpg bat "bad" men. How does it happen, then, that they were Mich "bad" boys? Does it not seem as if there is some mistake about the application of the adjective "bad?" With too many people, especially in­ structors, a good boy is simply a dull boy, one who has not enough blood in his veins to make him lively, and not enough spirit to resent insolence or per­ secution. The boy who is restive under absurd restrictions, who laughs io the wrong place, who resists unjust pun­ ishments, and will not admit that he is wrong when he knows he is right, is promptly reported as a bad boy, and graduates at the foot of his class, if he is not expelled before examination day. B ' • . ./ • But such bad boys are not dismayed at the frowns of teachers and the pro­ phesies of well-meaning but ignorant friends. like Grant, Sherman, Sheri­ dan, and Crook, they grow up to be good men, with big hearts and great brains, men who are loved as well as honored. Nobody claims that education is in any case a detriment to success, or that the studious bov is to be, condemned, bnt we oannot fail to see that the noisy, hearty, bold and self-reliant boy, so un­ popular at West Point as woll as in our colleges, is the boy who makes the, big­ gest mark in the world, wheu he grow into a man. as lightly as & bird to the ground ou the other side. Several hundred peo­ ple had witnessed the proceedings, and, had it not been Sunday. I have no doubt some of them would have cheered the daring and independent girl that enacted it. A» it was, they all waited to see her make the return trip after she had passed the hat out to the delighted and grateful old gentleman, but they were disappointed here, for the pretty creature ran round the reser­ voir aud gained the street through a gate that was on the extreme other side, several hundred yards away. As the venerable owner of the hat en­ deavored to thank her she, only re­ marked that her father was an old man something like himself, and she wouldnt stand by and see the wind blowing through his whiskers if any act of hers could prevent it.--Mian Lookabout, in Boston Herald. A Perfume of Wit. Hannah Mo9re enjoyed a war o. words, and was a match for any one with her ready wit. A good story is told of her. She and Mr. Langhorne were friends, who spent their summer vacation at the same seoside report. They were wont to meet at a certain time on the shore. One day the gentle­ man inscribed on the sand the follow- ing:-- "Along the shore '• Walked Hannah More: Waves, let<£has record laat. Soourr shall ye, Proud earth and sea, Than what she writes be past. In reply to the gallant rhyme She wrote:-- ,£s "8ome firmer basis, polished Tianghorne, choose, To write the dictated of thy charming muse; Thy strains in solid characters rehearse, And bo thy tablet liming as thy verse." Literary women do not always shine in society. George Sand Was notably deficient,in talk. When her sparkling friends were firing off their conversa­ tional pyrotechnics, she sat in bewil­ dered admiration, stupefied rather than inspired. Charlotte Bronte was so shy that society became an actual infliction to her. We can easily believe that Mrs. Browning had a "quaint, graceful humor of her own." but never spoke in sallies of w'it or repartee. George Eliot talked as she wrote, in sentences wise, weighty, epigrammatic. Mr. Cross says "no one couid be more capable of en­ joying and communicating genuine, hearty laughter." We need only to judge by -her books, however, to know that she was serious to sadness. Jane Austen was "no more regarded in so­ ciety thau a pok^r ttr a fire-screen" or any other thin, upright piece of wood or irou that fills its corner in peace and quietness." After people read her "i'ride and Prejudice," she was "still a poker, but a poker of whom every one was afraid." in a M shall be sorry we ever met if vou go Betsey are not here, but I guess we can -- *• "• •• *- -1 do him. And the ten jumped on to the boaster and bad him veiling for mercy inside of a minute.--Detroit Free Press. JAPANESE chickens with eleven to thirteen feet long imported into this country. An Indian's Exciting Experience Montana Theater. You see, it happened like this," said an old-timer. "It was in '66. My old friend Bill Hamilton of Stillwater, sometimes called Wildcat Bill, was a United State3 Deputy Marshal and Sheriff of Choteau County. There had ! been some illegal whisky selling going J on around the Blackfoot country, and I finally Bill got after the sruilty parties. | A young Indian named Two Wolves got mixed up in the affair, and Bill ar­ rested him as a witness and brought him to Helena. Howey was Marshal here at that time and I was deputy. " When Bill arrived in town with his Indian he called on Howey and me to help take care of Mm. Well, on the night of the day that Bill and the pris­ oner arrived there was some sort of a show going on in an old hall up on Bridge street. We all wanted to go, but we didn't know what to do with the Indian. Finally Bill said: 'We will take him along with UB,' which we agreed to do. "Neither Bill nor the Indian had ever seen a show before. Well, we went up to the hall and got seats in the gallery, the Indian being seated between Bill and me. I forget what the play was, but it was one of the old-fashioned kind, where the whole company was killed off before the show was over. "We got interested in the perform­ ance and forgot all &bout the Indian. He kept quiet until the killing began. When the actors began firing pistols and showing knives the Indian got ner­ vous, and finally, when the people on the stage began falling thick and fast, he could stand the phovv no longer. "Suddeuly he made a jump, from the seat, and before Bill and I could stop him, that Indian had jumped clean through a window uear by and out onto a sort of platform. "He got down to the ground, stole a 'horse somewhere, and rode twenty-five roile3 bareback down to the valley. There he stole a saddle and went home again to his friends in the tribe. "Bill never caught him, but we heard •fterjvard that the Indian said the teason ha left was because 1m was •*, v • My- tC-1.. <v;" Every Animal Its Own Doctor. », Animals get rid of their parasites by using dust, mud, clay, etc. Those suf­ fering from fever drink water, and sometimes plunge into it. When a dog has lost its appetite it eats that species of grass known as dog's grass, which acts as an emetic and purgative. Cats also eat grass. Sheep and cows, when ill, seek out certain herb*. An animal suffering from chronic rheumatism always keeps as far as possible in the sun. The warrior ants have regularly organized ambulances. Latreille cut the antenna; of the ant, and other ants came and 'covered the wounded part with a transparent fluid secreted in their months. If a chimpanzee is wounded it stops the bleeding by placing its hand on the wound and dressing it with leaves and grass. When an animal ha3 a wounded leg or arm hanging on, it completes the amputation by means of its tectli. A dog, on being stung on the muzzle by a viper, was observed to plunge its head repeatedly for several days into running water. This animal eventually recov­ ered. A terrier hurt its right eye. It remained under a counter, avoiding light and heat, although' it habitually kept close to the fire. It adopted a general treatment of rest and abstinence from food. The local treatment con sisted in licking the upper surface of the paw, which it appliecl to the wounded eye, again licking the paw when it became dry.--New York Com." mercial Advertiser. tails from are being Reasonable Pride. People who have seen better days are naturally enough fond of referring to the fact, especially in the presence of new acquaintances. The t^ait is not unamiable. We all like to stand well with our fellows. One of our exchanges tells a story of a : school mistress who had gone to teach in a rural town where she "boarded round," according to the old custom. On the second Monday she went to a new place," and at noon sat down with the family at a small pine table, on which was a dinner of brown bread, fat fried pofk and baked pota­ toes. We are not told whether she en­ joyed the meal or not, but just as the chair was pushed back, one of the chil dren, a little girl of perhaps tea years, suddenly exclaimed: "I know what good victuals is. Yes, ma'am, I know what 'tis." "Do you, indeed?" answered the em­ barrassed teacher, at a loss what to say, but ashamed to say nothing. "Yes, ma'am, I know what good vie tuals is. I've been away from home several times, and eaten lot on 'em.' AMONG the paradoxes of life is the habit of young parents, in winter, who keep their windows tightly closed for the sake of the fresh heir---New York Commercial Advertize*. Mi Lincoln. A lawyer named Mitehell, who lives at St. Louis, and was contemporaneous with Lincoln, is "said to have much of the same dry wit which Lincoln put into stories and anecdotes to illustrate his opinions. When Jay Gould put A. M. Hoxie at the head of his railroads in the southwest, Hoxie made a tour over them. When lie came back to St. Louis he had occasion to go to Mitchell's office on law business, and as they were old friends, began chatting about bis new position. "I am in control of eight thousand miles of road," he said to Mitchell, "and have just come back from inspecting 7,500 miles of it. It is the biggest extent of railroads that one man ever handled." The old lawyer leaned back and remarked that Hoxie's statement reminded him of a story, which he went on to relate. An old farmer of his acquaintance, when he was young, had specially de­ sired to go to town on "training day," but was nervous about leaving the farm. He called up his only workman as he was starting away, and said to him: "Now, John, you must bring the old mare in and put her iu the barn." "Yes, sir." "And don't forget to turn the cows into the other pasture lot and put up Jhe fences."/ •' "Yes, sir." -r "And, John, the old speekfed heu is likely to want to set. If Bhe does, be sure you give her some eggs and let her set." . ~ "Yes, sir." ' .. When the old.man got back-Ins minci was still on tie instructions he had given. He had no sooner reached the l'urm than he asked his employe: "Well, John, did you bring in the old mare ?" . "Yes, sir." "Turn the cows into the other misture a id put up the fences ?" "Yes, sir." "Did the old speckled hen want to sett'* "Yes, sir; I set her,- I Jaut twenty- four eggs under her." "Twenty-four eggs? Great heavens, John t Why did you put so mauy under her?" "Well, she was making so much fuss I thought I would give her a chance to spread herself." • "I am told that when Hoxie was on his death-bed Mitchell went to see him, and the great railroad manager said to him: "Say, Mitchell, I got the chance, like^tiie old speckled hen, to spread my­ self, but it has been too much for me." Ben Abou in New York Press. An Intelligent Dog. A small fox terrier, white as milk, with the proper golden-brown spots on his head, havjng A pedigree longer than Queen Yictoria's and a temper sweeter than Griselda's, full of lun, and adoring babies, made his cfebut when he was only a week old in a "littery" family. He was christened with great pomp "Charles Chum," but later ou these short syllables wore not considered suffi­ cient for his dignity, and he was re- christened "William Billykins," known to his intimates as "Billy." After he was taught that it was not polite to snatch at things, that his mis­ tress was perfectly satisfied with being kissed Once a day, and that fruit cake was not a suitable diet for small puppies he was educated, by means of a whip trimmed with yellow ribbons, not to tear up a bit of paper. The chief and original sin in a fox terrier is the liking for tearing up anything, but especially paper, so that this young gentleman waH taken through what the darkies called a "course of sprouts" before he realized fully thrj'; anything in the shape of an envelope or bit of paper of any kind must be let alone. One night his mistress counted out a roll of bills and put them in her purse. Then she went to bed. Billy stood by during the performance, but was not noticed. The next morning some money was wanted, the purse was gotten, the bills unfolded and a five dollar uot'e was missing. The owner of it had never been out of the room since the night before. The maid had seen her put the money away and then left the room. Where had it gone? It was talked over, it was looked for, still no five dollars. During the discussion Billy stood by staring his mistress in the face, as if he were trying hard to understand what it was about. Sud­ denly he made a rush, dived under the desk where he kept his favorite bones, and came out with a five-dollar bill in his mouth. He had picked it up where it had dropped on the floor, knew he must not tear it, and yet hid it away among his belongings. I ask no one to believe this; I know it is true myself, and William Billykins to-day is adorned with a collar on which hang two silver bells as a reward of merit for being a good dog. His Sew Leg. Says a London paper: Another medi­ cal wpnder! It is stated that in the Edinburgh Infirmary a patient has had "an ox rib substituted for a diseased bone in his leg, and is going about with a limb as hearty and strong as ever." One would think that the curva­ ture of the rib would give him a bow leg; it would also have beeu more con­ siderate to have taken it from a pig, which has a "spare rib;" but these are details. Of course, one has heard tales of the transfusion of blood--the life ("for the blood is the life") lent by man to his fellow-creature; and also of that strip of skin--taken from some spot, let us hope, where it would be little missed --out of which a new nose is made for a friend who has had the misfortune to lose that feature; but the borrowing of limbs from the lower animals is quite novel. It opens ur>, indeed, an exten­ sive area of substitution. Time was when a man's brains wore out that there was an end of him; but is there not now the frolicsome calf at hand with a superfluity of that commodity, the nature of which has been BO often likened to what is missing? The term "pigeon-breasted" may still remain only a metaphor; but the lordly turkey, with his swelling chest, may surely supply a vdid beneath the close-buttoned surtout! If our respiratory organs can no longer give response to the humorous tale, why should not the equine race be re­ quisitioned for its "horse laugh?" The "rabbit mouth" and the "hare lip" may neither of them ba admirable from an aesthetic point of view; but they will at least be better than nothing, and it is satisfactory to learn that they can be utilized. ' Do YOU ever wonder why poets talk so much about flowers? Did you ever hear of a poet who did not talk about them ? Don't you think a poem, which, for the sake of being original, should leave them out, would be like those verses where the letter a or e or some other is omitted? i >-i •/ tm •k'\ " A- '-if " : 'i, vV .'t&sasL form the same operation. That they only set themselves abous it. " Of coarse there is no doubt of that," says the man to himself, "a man can do anything better than a woman, and not make half the fuss and talk about it. Women wear themselves all out talking things over. Why, a woman will talk more about making a flat-iron-holder* than a man would about building a meeting-house. When a man is going to do anything, he goes to work and does it. He doesn't have to run all over the neighborhood to ask ever one he knows about it, and thAi do as he has a mind to, as a woman will do. And so, having heard him boast of his capabilities for years, some fine morn­ ing, when his wife's head aches, fend the feminine deity of the kitchen has given notice, the mother of the family invites him to dress the baby. The baby is big enough to walk around and have a finger in every pie, but it will baj"the baby" till a later edition appears^ The man who knows it all smiles triumphantly to himself. He is de­ lighted with the opportunity of show­ ing his wife how much quicker he can do it than she can. And he'll see if that baby is going to run all over crea­ tion after cats and things, and cry half the time while he is doing it. Disci­ pline is what is needed with children. He calls the baby to him. "Stand there, Freddy, while papa finds your clothes, like a good boy." Freddy places him&elf in position, while his papa goes in quest of the rai­ ment belonging to the juvenile. Freddy spies a bird on the top of a tree in the yard, aud he climbs on the piano to get high up at the window, and he knocks down a couple of bundles of sheet- music, his Bister Fanny's new hat that she left there last night when she came home from the party, so tired that she could hardly get up stairs to bed; and then poor Freddy slips, and grabs the fixtures aud all, and draws a double tracked railroad on the polished rose­ wood of the piano with his wildly clutching finger-nails, and lands safely on the floor howling with rage at not having been ablg to get the bird. By that time his pa has found most of his clothes, and is ready to begin. But Freddy isn't ready. He wants to see the pictures in the album. Then he insists on hearing the watch tick. Then he wants to catch *tlie dog by the tail and give it a good pull, to see if it is on fast. Then he wants to kiss mamma. "Stand still!" says his pa, putting on the severe look that he uses on his in­ subordinate clerks in the dingy down­ town office, "and see if you can keep your tongue still while ^ dress you! Don't wiggle so, Freddy! Stand still! Put down your foot! Let that cat alone! Here, you little mischief, stow chewing that 1c i-pencil! Hold up your head, can't you? Put this hand through --no, that one! Good gracious, it is strange that women will make pauts for babies wrong end to! Aud more but­ tons ou 'em than would be needed to button up a regiment of men! Now then, for the waist! Humph, that is made the same way, all the buttons in the wrong place. No arm-holes, no nothing! Freddy, hold still! I tell you it doesn't hurt! Yes, 'tis on right. It can't ba on any other way. By Jove, I've forgot the drawers, and the stock­ ings! Here, put up that foot. Good gracious, Freddy, can't you stop wig­ gling your toes? Hold your leg still. There, now. Now, we'll put 011 the lit­ tle man's collar. What an outlandish contrivance to fasten a collar. It doesn't stay put anywhere. Let's see, the bow goes under it? No, it must go over it. Keep your head still. What are you bobbing so for? .Lift up your arms. 3 Freddy! Why, what the duse is the \ matter with his child's arms? He can't move 'em. Don't cry, Freddy. Let me look. Do stop that bawling. This all comes of your mother's humoring you so. I say, Fred, stop this noise! Stop it, I say! I shall be crazy-- I » And about at this juncture his wife "appeared on the scene, and she finds that Freddy's pants are hind part be­ fore, and one of his arms has been'put through the neck space, and the other one through one arm-hole of his waist, and his collar, which was made to turn down, stands up, and his stockings are on wrong side out; and his pa will never own that there is auything out of order about the proceeding, but the next time ho dresses the baby, he doen't dress it --he always has something to see to tltat prevents him.--Kate Thorn, in New York Weekly. The Living Microacwpc. John Thomas Heslop, of Birmingham, England, is a lad whose powers of vision are marvelous. He is known as the "liv­ ing microscope," on account of being able to see the most minute objects clearly defined. In 1878 or 187S) he was attacked with some baffling eye trouble and came very near losing his sight forever. After the disease ha<^ reached its worst there was an instant and sudden changc foi the better, which resulted in a complete cure of allinflam- ation in an incredibly short time. It was not a cure, however, that brought back the old eyesight like that possessed by the average genus homo. When it returned it was with extraordinarily increased powers of vision. To John Thomas the most minute plant louse was as large as a rabbit, and the mos­ quito's bill as large as an ax haudle. He could see and describe distant mi­ nute objects with startling clearness and precision. Ho was amazingly shocked tipon repairing to the well to get a cool­ ing draught to see the immense number af hideous creatures that were floating, ighting and wriggling about in the water. From that day to this water has never pfwssed the lips of John Thomas Heslop; his drinks consist wholly of coffee, tea and milk, thoroughly boiied. The doctors say that the entire organi­ zation of the eye lias undergone a struct­ ural change and that the cornea has be­ come abnormally enlarged.--Spring­ field Republican. , : His Scliemc Worked Agaiust Him. "John," said the talkative wife as her quiet husband crept meekly into bed, "I did not hear the strangers go." "No; tliev are still in the parlor; the servant girl will let them out in an hour or two." "Who are they?" "They are short-hand reporters. You see, I always forget. what you say to me after we're in bed, and sometimes I go to sleep when you're talking, so I thought I would have your lecture written out and study it over at my leis­ ure. They're all ready, the door's open so's they can hear you, and you can be­ gin as soon as you like." The reporters were quickly hustled out and the lecture that night lasted three hours longer than usual. ,4V4, t. * -jh,z &• al--We families. soles said to the down and see us.' mosey is tight it is qnielu.. more than can be said of * ^ | Art. roouth WHAT the heels: "Ran WHEN That is man. THE wind isa disagreeable sort of* fellow. He is always very qnick tooomtt to blows. IF yon can't marry a women with dollars the next best thing is a, womajl with Bense. POMPKY (after robbing the roost)-- Dat's a fowl out Farmer Ha! Caught on the fly. FAHHIONABLE ladies are not fond etr hard' work, and yet they know what |v toilet is to dress for dinner. SOME speakers prefer to talk in thi open air. It is the only way they eas induce people to hear them out MANY people who claim to be weddejfc to their art seem to have been overtake# with divorce proceedings from the on|>' set. . BRIO as--Tomkinn is engaged to n widow, I hear. Braggs--Yes; that's just liltje him* He is too lazy to do any of the courting. JERSEY FAKME:E--Out huntin', be ye? City Sportsman (wearily)--Y-e-s, bee$ ; hunting all day for a patch of woody: without a law-penalty sign on it, t BRINKS--What sort of comic parem do they have over in Europe ? Jinks--* Excellent. Blinks--Are the jokes likH ours ? Jinks--^Exactly. Same joke%" in fact, only a month older- THE London Lancet complains that "disease lurks in: the barber's mug.?? That's all right, if it wi|l continue to" lurk. But the difficulty is that it transferred to the customers's mug. MRS. FUSS--I'm very sorry, Mr. that Charlie didn't suit you. Henevei did have very taking ways. Mr. Bent --Pardon me, madam, but it was his J aking way that we could not stand. MRS. DRESSY.--Why did you lay aside those pieces of cloth ? Mrs. Paten -- They will be useful some day to re* pair thebasis of Tommy's trousers. Mrs. JDressy--I see; they are reserved seats. SILVESTEIX (sarcastically)--Vas it matter ohf brinciple mit you that Leak should marry a Gentile? Goldberg--*; Oh, no, he vas not so far ahead ohf mtl ast dot! It was only a question ohf iif* derest. INSURANCE Superintendent -- Thinfc. this Mr. Lieon is a'good risk, eh ? Ageiit --Couldn't be better. "Perhaps hehai •< some dangerous occupation." "No, in* deed. He'll never get hurt. He's policeman." SIMPSON (on a visit)--Excuse me, Miss Ethel, but aren't these--er--vege ­ tables burnt ? Cousin Ethel (of Boston) --Oh, no; those «\re natural black ' beans. You know, Charles, there's 4 death in the family. MR. ENTERPRISING--There is some­ thing mysterious about Miss Kicklow; she had a desk with secret drawers, anA> all that! Old Mrs. Dephpost (who never hears all of a sentence)- It's a good thing the^r are secret from your prying eyes. HE Went Never to Return.--She--I dreamed last night that I was the mo# beautiful woman in the world, Mr. Noodly. He (stupidly thoughtless) --That's just the Way, Miss Fwancetj,' don't you know.. Dweams always go h|r contwawies. :;'-' CHEERFUL Editor--If you could * shorten youj- poem a little! "Why, there were sixteen verses when I firifcv wrote it, and now there are only three.* "Exactly! Now with a little more effort perhaps you can do away with those three, and then we shall be ail - riglSt. BUNTING (to policeman)--I "under* stand you secured the discharge of Of*.. ' ficer O'Brien for sleeping on dutjgg That was right. Officer Mnlcahej--~ Yis, sorr. Yez| see, me an' O'Briept had a nice corner to go to shlape in, ivery noight; but O'Brien snored that loud Oi cuddent shlape at all, (K^#'#e- ported him. Can't Fool the Horse. The horse will leave musty hay un­ touched in his bin, however hungry. He will not drink of water objectionabl® to his qnestoning sniff, or from a bucket ^ which some odor makes offensive, hove* ever thirsty. His intelligent nostril will widen, quiver and query over the dairi- tiest bit offered by the fairest hands, with coaxing that would make a mortal shut his eyes and swallow a nauseous mouthful at a gulp. A mare is never satisfied by either sight or whinny that her colt is really her own, until she had a certified nasal certificate to the fact. A blind horse, now living, will not allow the approach of any stranger without showing signs of anger not safely to be disregarded. The distinction is evidently made by his sense of smell and at a considerable dis­ tance. Blind horses, as a rule, will gallop wildly about a pasture without striking the surrounding fences. The sense of smell informs them of its prox­ imity. Others will, when loosened from the stable, go directly to the gate or bars opened to their accustomed feeding grounds; and when desiring to return, after hours of careless wander­ ing, will distinguish one outlet, and pa­ tiently await its opening. The odor of that particular part of the fence is their pilot to it. The horse in browsing, or while gathering herbage with' its lips, to guided in its choice of proper food eir tirely by its nostrils. Blind horses do do not make mistakes in their diet. Clouds and Their Heights. For practical purposes clouds are di­ vided into four classes--cumulus, stra­ tus, cirrus, and nimbus. Meteorol­ ogists, however recognize many differ­ ences of form in each class. Aber- crombie gives these ten principal" varities, with their mean height in sun®, mer at IJpsala, Sweden: Cirrus (puds wispy cloud,) 27,000 feet; cirro-stratus (thin, high, wispy, or straited she# cloud of all sorts,) 27,600 feet; cirrp* cumulus (fleecy cloud at high level,) - 20,000 feet; strato-cirrus (a similar cloud to the cirro-stratus, but at a loir level,) 12,000 feet; strato-cumulus (ex-*.* tended lumpy cloud,) 6,000 feet; cumH» lus (pure rocky cloud,) 4,000 feet at base; cumulo-nimbus (rocky rain-cloud,) 4,000 feet at base; nimbus (low rain* cloud,) 4,500 feet; stratus (pure sliest ciond,) 1,900 feet. Asking Too Much. Stranger (out West)--See here! I want you to arrest those two men, over ̂ therefor forcing me into a game of poker with them and then swindling? me. Policeman--Y'r askin' too muclii stranger, 1 can't arrest them gents. One's th' honored Mayor of this erifc' City, an' th' other's th' Chief 10--1;-- --New York Weekly. 0 1 -t'J! 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