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15 C4I CONVENTIONSMiTMG] & mi® ©SFFLORJDS) •FEME MMM The ordinary political convention Is ^ •collection of wild animals, whose an tlfcs are extremely amusing, but abso lately without form and void. Nothing •atside of a cage full of monkeys can present such an example of futile ac­ tivity. Each delegate is duly ticketed •nd loaded with his proper credentials And fondlv imagines that '« of some importance in the gathering; that is, he does if he is a "green liand." If he is a seasoned campaign­ er, he knows that he merely '• repre­ sents the people," and the chairman mad secretary of the convention "repi resent" the delegates, and the "boss­ es" "represent" the chairman and sec­ retary. By means of this sliding scale of actual power it will be seen that Ike "bosses" represent the people! - It was my deep delight to have at­ tended a number of political conven­ tions. The "will of the people" stood aboitt "deuce high" in the political deck. The will of the "bosses" was always the "ace," and it could be and Was turned from the bottom or top Just as the emergencies demanded. DRIVER CAME BACK HAD CATARRH THIRTY YEARS. EBSRGST AUDITORIUM! A? 2)£NV£R VM&Z& WXQCmZtC NATIONAL CCfNVZNUm WHL M MXD. o ti Imagine a long, low, rakish hall, the atmosphere a wavy blue with tobacco •moka. Aisles are cut through to the platform, generally three in number, to admit of committees on this, that and the other to go forward to the platform and hand in their Cut-and- dried communications. The different wards and districts are ranged about the hall, each with its particular spot to stay in, like checkers on a board before the game begins. Many of these delegates are in their shirt- fleeves, and many are talking wildly, gesticulating powerfully and in other Ways molding the destinies of their country. The very few who are not smoking are choking. On the platform are two tables, at Which the chairman of the convention iits, he having been chosen by the .powers that be. He is a mere puppet vfla their hands, understanding what . they want, and at any and all times feady to carry out their wishes. The •ecretary is-a mere echo; the assist- ptnt secretaries mere assistant echoes. Two or three highly respectable i.Stoughton-bottles of various titles sit en the stage to deceive the unintelli­ gent observer into the belief that things are "on the square." A pitcher ®f water is on the chairman's desk, for he will open the convention with • a speech. In that speech he will glori- the proud history of his own party and skin, salt and nail to the political fmoke-house the hide of the opposite party. This is a species of buncombe Which is always indulged in. - * : » ' * COlI&UTTJtt CHICAGO WHERE THE BEPUBLlGm oJL j/ATioTfM comZmiart mu, E£ HZID J* s Sometimes a eonvention Is opened prayer. This is ioiuctbi^ which Cannot be touched on at length, for : the devil himself could not conceive a more grotesque blasphemy. Most con- ; mentions are opened with political "jimmies," being burglarious aggrega- tions, brought together for purposes »f plundering men of their political fights. The chairman has his speech .Jtarefully learned by heart, and he 1b Invariably eloquent, pungent, witty, Scholarly, terse, dense, flowery and long-winded. But he finally subsides, •nd then, after the committees' re- |>orts and the platform are finished, And some more political red tape is gotten through with, the work of •ominating candidates is begun. But before the convention has reached the jpoint of being ready to vote there tjfcave been a number of battles fought In a finish before the various commit­ tees on credentials. | In certain wards of the cities, or Hertain districts in the country, there jpoay be a dispute about some dele­ gates, these claiming the right to rep- #esest "the people," those putting is Jfc counter-claim for recognition. In fiuch cases, contests are begun and fthe respective claims thrashed out be­ fore the committee on credentials, •Which have the power to review these disputes in the various districts or hrards. No one but the contestants and the loommittee and the other delegates are .tallowed in the committee rooms in khese contests, it being a sort of fam­ ily affair. Usually, the contests are Determined according to the way the * bosses" want them to be decided, Jbut if it doesn't matter about a vote .tor two, the "bosses" allow the com- ; fmittee to do as they please. Evidence jls heard, speeches are made, and the ^committee picks the winner. The "bosses" keep accurate "tab" En the number of votes they need, ut are ready to achieve results by '.any means they consider necessary. , One unseated delegate rushed madly ; up to a "boss" on the floor of the con- Tention and screeched out: "What 4'ye mean by throwin' me out? There ain't no contest on me at all." The '"boss" looked smilingly down at the .flery face of his questioner, sur­ mounted by its bright red covering of locks and responded easily, gracefully and most urbanely; "I don't like the "y color of your hair." And the delegate remained "unseated." Men were let , out of their delegations for any or no reasons. The only question was to ; v have the majority, or at least the loud- ^ est and most pugnacious minority. 'I- This fatter, with the able aid of the chatiman and the secretary, will ena- t We any combination to jam through the nomination of their candidates. < ^ Supposing, for instance, that Smith Is the candidate the "bosses" want, ;l;V aad Jones the opposition candidate. The Seventh ward, we will say, is called on and the chairman of the del­ egation roars out "Fourteen votes for Jones and one for Smith." An assist­ ant secretary repeats to the main sec­ retary, "Fourteen votes for Smith and one for Jones," and it is so recorded The chairman from the Seventh ward may think the vote of his delegation has been recorded properly. Some­ times, when things appear to be run­ ning too close, they will not even give the opposition candidate any votes until the "bosses'" candidate is safe. Any motion for a roll-call is "gaveled down" by the chairman, and the ser- geants-at-arms, always chosen by the "bosses," are eager to eject any ob­ streperous patriot who begins any jargon about his "rights." To "gavel down" a motion is simply to hammer on the table with the gavel and proclaim that a motion has been "carried," or "defeated," just as you want it to go. In this way, no matter what the majority is, the "bosses" and the chairman and secretaries can thwart the will of any convention, un­ less the convention splits and "a bolt" is started. To "bolt" is to leave the hall, organize a separate convention and proceed as though the other con­ vention was not in existence. This is a last resort, and is seldom done. Delegates are timid and they rarely have any independent action. They may fume in private, but they "take 'the gaff" in public. Party fealty, party cohesion, party this, that and the other weighs on them and makes them cowards. For the most part the delegates hope to get some crumbs from the party table and they fear to revolt, knowing well they will be marked men with "the organization." Oh! potent phrase, "the organization." There is the "ward organization," the "county organization," the "state or­ ganization," the "national organiza­ tion," all inextricably linked and welded together, and the national com­ mitteeman can put his finger on a garbage wagon driver in a remote ward and separate him from his job if the driver doesn't do exactly as he is told. It's a beautiful system. Don't imagine that it is not perfected so far as it can be. Occasionally some fossil of respecta­ bility, galvanized into spasmodic ac­ tion by something particularly brazen on the part of the powers that run the convention, will get up from the plat­ form, where he Is supposed to be ac­ quiescent to the program, and start the animals by a fiery diatribe against the bare-faced robbery going on under his very nose. At such a time it i3 really delightful to see the perfect re­ spect in which his remarks are lis­ tened to by the chairman and the "bosses." His remarks may be punc­ tured by cheers by the malcontents in the delegates' seats, but the "strong- arm"1 contingent governed by the "bosses" sits quietly until he fires his broadside. Then possibly a "boss" gets up, or the chairman gets in a happy remark or two ,and there is a thunder-roll of applause from the "bosses' " gang. The respectable gen­ tleman has simply talked for the pleasure of having his cerebellum vi­ brate. lie might as well have recited "Mary had a little lamb." Our ward stood eight to seven In one convention, and our chairman an­ nounced it correctly. He was an op­ ponent of mine, but he did not try to change the vote. But when the vote was announced from the stage it was 15 for the other side. Several of us yelled "bloody murder" at the steal, but, biess you, that convention went right ahead with its business as easily as if seven men standing upright in their seats and howling "Mister Chair­ man; Mister Chairman," was a mere tableau and nothing that concerned the convention in the remotest de­ gree. ' "bosses" and the chairman have their eyes on their own orators, and very little latitude is allowed the opposition "jaw-smiths." It is laughable to watch the frantic gyrations of some silver-tongued word-juggler, especially if he be a young man, who is trying to get the chairman's eye in order to let off a philippic against the chairman's tyranny. His companions may hoist him high on a chair, where he bal­ ances himself precariously while he shrieks "Meestalr Chairmannnn," and froths like something stricken with hydrophobia, but the chairman goes placidly on. "Twenty-second ward, 18 for Smith" is the announcement, when in fact the announcement was just the other way. This raises & counter-irri­ tant and the Twenty-second ward dele­ gation goes on the war-path. But, tush, what's the use? The game goes merrily on and at last the youthful orator is let down from his pinnacle and expends his energy in loud talk in his immediate vicinity, until some low-browed gentleman advises him to "cut it out," at the same time casting a perfectly annihilating look tat his direction. The old stagers always enjoy these interludes. They smile grimly, get a fresh grip on their cigars and elevate the weeds reminiscently in a skyward angle. They keep watchful cognizance when their wards are about to be reached and, if chairmen, rise in­ stantly at the word, shout clearly the vote and, whether it be recorded right or wrong, they stoically into the attitude of mere spectators. Far be it from them to "holler" if the cards are "stacked" against them. They would do the same if they had the power. The other fellows have the whip-hand to­ day; when it shifts, they will give their opponents the -same dose. But to cavort around on the floor wailing out "Meestair Chairmannn," not for them. They are too wise to resort to such puerile foolishness. NoUiing can exceed the perfect re­ pose which marks the proceedings as relates to the officers and bead men who have it in charge. There is not a shadow of a smile on the counte­ nances of the chairman and his assist-, ants ,and the "bosses" move around on the floor of the convention or as­ cend to the platform with an entirely I serious and virtuous air wl*ich would I indicate extreme self-sacrifice and the ' most absolute fairness to their op- ; ponents. But once the business i* concluded, over the cigars and cocktails these genial gentlemen will unbend and re­ late delightedly and with rare humor the amusing comedies played on the convention floor. They have remem­ bered the very voices and gestures of the reformers and patriots, they can imitate, and perfectly, the surprised scream of the plundered delegation, or the stentorian yawp of the hard-boiled orator. They enjoy these things with the gusto of the connoisseur, the po­ litical bon vivant. But at the hall, and In the midst of the carnage, they are as suave as panthers and as remorse­ less as cannibals. "Everything goes in politics," is their motto, that Is, everything but honesty. Coming back from my last political convention I met Jack Derby In the "smoker." Jack was from the ward next to mine, and I had missed him just before the voting began. I had noticed a stranger In his seat when I came in rather late, but still in time to vote. Jack was moody and his head was done up in a gaudy handkerchief. "What's up?" I said to him. "I didn't see you when the votes were being cast." "They thrun me out," was his re­ ply. "I went over to see a friend o' mine in the fourteenth and when I got back to me seat they was a guy there in it. I grabbed him and he caught hold of me arms. The "sarge" (ser- geant-at-arms) came runnin' up an' this guy gives him the wink an' says this feller's a pick-pocket. Before I could hand him one the "sarge" grabs me--he's seven feet long and four feet through--and he wings me to the door in four jumps and fires me by the neck and pants. See? An* I lose me vote an' I don't get in the hall again." "That's tough, Jack," was my con­ solatory reply. "Tough," said Mr. De^fey, with an injured air, "an' I was goin' to vote right all the time. I think that ser­ geant must be bugs." (Copyright, by Joseph B. Bowles.) WHAT SAVED "UNCLE JOE 9 9 *- Old Lifting Machine That Long Ago Proved a Health Preserver. The secret of perpetual youth, which has permitted "Uncle Joe" Cannon to be as young as he is at 72, has just been rediscovered here by a former senator from New Hampshire, says the Washington correspondent of the Boston Herald. Henry W. Blair, who is no youngster himself, having been born in 1834, and the present speaker were fellow members of the house 30 years ago. Both at that time were in poor health. They suffered from In­ digestion and were so frail and puny- looking that each anticipated the ne­ cessity of purchasing a bouquet to place with reverent hands upon the grave of the other. They lived in the same boarding house in those days and, to prolong their lives, entered into partnership, for the purchase of a lifting machine, which they erected in a hallway outside of their rooms and upon which they practiced diligently night and morning with a view to the improvement of their physical beings. The other day Mr. Blair, in rum­ maging around his house, stumbled in an attic upon the lifting apparatus long since discarded. It reminded him of the days when he and Cannon, were on the verge of the grave and de­ spaired of attaining old age. In great excitement he went down to the capi- tol, hunted up "Uncle Joe" and broke the news to him. "Joe," said he, "do you remember way back yonder when you and I didn't think we would live more than a week?" "I certainly do," said "Uncle Joe." "I think yoti were the thinnest, sickest man in the world and I lived in con­ stant fear that I would have to buy a pair of black gloves and walk slow be- hand your hearse. 'Member that old lifting machine we used to have?" "You bet I do," said Senator Blair, "and I found It this morning. Just as good as new, too." "I'll be over to try my muscle in a day or two," laughed the speaker. "It certainly was a health preserver, all right." Laughing Bird of Australia 0HO3TLY APPARITION GINE CAB* 1- »ry Is Vouched for by Two Men of Good Reputation--Recognition of *- By the way, convention oratory is divided into two kinds, the "turned loose" and the "squelched." The Biped by No Means Popular with Its Human Neighbors. To the outside world the greatest ornitjiologica* oddity in this country is the kookaburra, says the Sidney, Australia, Times. Though Australians take little notice of it (except oc­ casionally In a hostile way), Its cac- chfnation appeals .irresistibly to the newcomer. Like the shrikes and par­ rots, the curlew and the mopoke, it is a conspicuous figure in the scenery of a typical bush home, and therefore too common to be worthy of notice. In earlier times it was known as the "settler's clock," from a belief that its joyful paebns were vented regularly at morn, noon and dusk, being quies­ cent through the heat of the forenoon and the wane of the afternoon. That belief has long been shattered. The kookaburra laughs just when excited; and it laughs as readily at the violent death of Its mother-in-law as it does at the enraged settler when he falls off his hay stack. A wounded bird makes a demoniacal row, which will bring all others within hearing into the neigh­ boring trees, and these at once set up an echoing cackle that is repeated again and again. The kookaburra Is alBO known as the laughing goburra and the laugh­ ing jackass. Remedy for Leaking Fountain Pen. If the threads in the rubber con­ nection of a fountain pen are worn a little the Joint will leak enough to soil the fingers.' Dry the threads with a blotter and cover them with melted paraffin. Turn the nozzle into the barrel while the paraffin is still warm and you have an ink tight joint.--Pop­ ular Mechanics. Flag of Pennsylvania City. The city of Easton, Pa., has adopted a municipal flag, said to be a copy of the flag which waved over that town during the revolutionary war. The flag has 13 red and white stripes in the upper corner, and the remainder of the flag is blue with a circle of eight white stars in the center. Phantom. MOST remarkable in­ stance of ghostly appari­ tion occurred in the yards of one of the big railroads running into during the win­ ter of 1896. Engine No. 687 was one of the largest" and best on the division, and had been relegated to the switch yards for bad behavior, so the yardmen 3aid. Ever since No. 687 had been built it had been run by Mr. W., one of the oldest engine drivers on the rail­ road. The iron horse was a beauty --large, powerful, and the pride of avery one who had anything to do with It Soon after the big strike of the A. R. U. Mr. W. died very suddenly and No. 587 was of course turned over to other engine drivers. The old engine went all right for a while, but it was not long after Mr. W.'s death that it began kicking up and playing all sorts of pranks. It ran off the track one night and came near ditching a whole train of freight cars. If it had run off jthe track but once nothing would have been thought of It, but the per­ verse monster kept running off the track every few weeks and smashing things so badly that it was in the re­ pair shops nearly a third of the time. The superintendent of course al­ ways laid the blame on the engine drivers, and more than one man was laid off for it. Finally No. 687 was transferred to* the switch yards, where it worked all right for a while, then it began smash­ ing things again. At last it was turned over to one of Mr. W.'s old friends, Mr. N., an engine driver of exceptionally good record, who prided himself on never having had a wreck, but even he could not keep No. 687 on the track. The weather had been bad for over a week, the tracks were slippery, and the engine driver on No. 587 always was on the lookout that he kept to the track all right. One night it was raining hard and rtas as dark as pitch. No. 587 started down the tracks after a bunch of cars. There was a lot of freight to be pulled out that night and the switching was unusually heavy. The fireman had filled the firebox with coal and had Bettled himself on his bench for a rest. Mr. N. had his head out the window and was backing up slowly when he felt a cold hand laid on his own, which was on the lever. The coldness of the hand startled him, but he thought of cotirse it was the fireman who had clutched his hand to warn him of some danger; turning his head to see what was the matter, he beheld to his horror, Mr. W.'s apparition, looking as natural as though he were alive and about to start on his night run. Of course bis account of the appari­ tion was met with scoffing and con­ siderable chaffing upon the part of the railroad men about the yards, acd the engine driver began to think that It might have been a delusion after all. One night, however, about a month after W.'s apparition made its first appearance in the cab of No. 587, the engine driver had his head out of the window, waiting for the signal to hack up. The fireman was fussing about the "firebox. Suddenly, as before, Mr. W. put In his appearance again and stood there with his hand on the throttle. Both engine driver and fireman saw the figure. If the engine driver had been fright­ ened at Mr. W.'s apparition the fire­ man was paralyzed with fear, crying out, with chattering teeth: "It's W.'s ghost and no mistake about it!" The recognition from his two old friends seemed to please the phan­ tom, for he nodded his head, smiled, pulled open the throttle and backed the engine. As the engine driver said afterward: "I didn't knbw whether I or W. ran No. 587 that night!" All to Save a Minute. What is the value of a minute o! time? Do .you think $1,000,000 too ex travagant a figure? Considerably more than this is be­ ing paid by some of the big railroads of the' country In their efforts to van­ quish Father Time. In order to save about 30 minutes in reaching the heart of New York, the Pennsylvania rail­ road Is spending about $60,000,000 to burrow under the Hudson river. That Is paying $2,000,000 a minute. When the New York Central's plans, involving an expenditure of $70,000,- 000, are completed, engineers figure that the running schedule of each train will be reduced six or eight min­ utes. Not all of this vast sum for im­ provements can be charged to a desire to save time, however. Still, every minute lopped off will cost very near the high-water mark. Bog 8wallows an Englflf, In order to prevent the station house at Robroyston, on the Caledonian rail­ way, in Scotland, being swallowed up by a bog, the railway authorities de­ cided to utilize the morass as a "tip" for the excavations connected with the new station at Buchanan street, Glas­ gow. Not only, however, did the bog ab­ sorb with ease the tons of earth thrown into it, but, taking advantage of a locomotive overruniag a siding, it swallowed this up also. It required three days' ard on the part of the engineering staff to I L L I N O I S ' V*' Meeklson Gives a , S * •»as= sP' :--vi 9 m Catarrh. CONGRESSMAN MEEKI50N COMMENDS PE-RU NA. j-u-uTj-irLru-u"irij"irinrir<"rr m m m « • "/ have used several bottles of Peruna and I feel greatly benefited thereby front my catarrh of the head. / feet encouraged to believe that if I u s e i t & s h o r t t i m e l o n g e r I w i l l b e f u l l y a b l e t o e r a d i c a t e t h e d i s e a s e o f ; thirty year*' standing. "--David Meekison. OTHER REMARKABLE CURES. Mr. Jacob L. Davis, Galena, Stone county, Mo., writes: "I have been in bad health for thirty-seven years, and after taking twelve bottles of your Peruna I am cured." Mr. C. N. Peterson, 132 South Main St., Qouncil Bluffs, Iowa, writes: "I cannot tell you how much good Peruna has done me. Constant confinement in my store began to tell on my health, and I felt that I was gradually breaking down, I tried several remedies, but obtained no permanent relief until I took Peruna. I felt better immediately, and five bottles restored me to complete health." A SINCERE RECOMMENDATION. Mr. D. C. Prosser, Bravo, Allegan Co., Mich., writes: "Two*years ago T Was "bad­ ly afflicted with catarrh of the stomach. I had had a run of typhoid fever, was very de­ pleted. I could find nothing I could eat without causing distress and sour stomach. Finally I came to the conclusion that I had catarrh of the stomach and seeing Peruna advertised, begau to take it. It helped me soon, and after taking three or four bottles 1 was entirely cured of stomach trouble, and can now eat anything," Manufactured by Peruna Drug Manufacturing Company, Columbus, Ohio. SKIPPING IN THE JUNGLE. V3 ITCHING HUMOR. Nothing Would Help Him--Mother Al­ most in Despair--Owes Quick Cure to Cuticura. "Several months ago, my little boy began to break out with itching sores. I doctored him, but as soon as I got them healed up in one place they would break out in another. I was almost in despair. I could not get anything that would help him. Then I began to use Cuticura Soap and Cuti­ cura Ointment, and after using them three times, the sores commenced to heal. He is now well, and not a scar Is left on his body. They have never returned nor left him with bad blood, as one would think. Cuticura Reme­ dies are the best I have ever tried, and I shall highly recommend them to any one who is suffering likewise. Mrs. William Geeding, 102 Washing­ ton St, Attica, Ind., July 22, 1907." om Accounted For. Naturally she turned to her husband for information. "Why are so many of the police mentioned as plain-clothes men?" she asked. "I suppose," he answered, "that they're like the rest of us. It takes all their pay to keep their wives from be­ ing plain-clothes women."--Philadel­ phia Ledger. HOW TO TEST LINSEED OIL There is nothing that will make paint go wrong on the house more quickly than poor oil. It is as bad in Its way as adulterations in the white lead. Petroleum oil cheapeners may be detected by placing a drop of the oil on a black painted surface. If one sees the characteristic iridescence or play of colors which kerosene exhibits, it is evidence of adulteration. Corn and fish oil can be detected by the smell. • Adulteration in white lead can best be discovered by the use of a blow­ pipe, which National Lead Company will send with instructions free to anyone interested in paint. Address, National Lead Company, Woodbridga Building, New York. Way to Judge a Man. I There are two good ways to judge a man--by what he doesn't pay aad by what he doesn't say. I Garfield Tea is a natural laxative-^ reg­ ulates the digestion, purifies the blood, cleanses the system, clears the complexion, brightens the eyes and.brmgs the glow of splendid Health! ! Character is what you are; reputa­ tion is what people think you are. ill decorating the walls of your home, can be most surely effected by using The SaiuiaiyWallCoati'i^ I The soft, velvety Alabas- tine tints produce the most artistic effects, and make tlie home lighter and brighter. Sold by Paint, Drue, Hardware and General Stores in carefully sealed and properly labeled packages. <.i 60c the package for white and Bfcc the package for tints. Seo that the name "Alabastine" is on «ach package before it is opened either by yourself or the workmen. The Alabastine Company Grand Rapids, Mich* Saetem Office, losWateiSta New Torlc City* UNBEATABLE EXTERMINATOR THX OLD RKLIASLK THAT NEVEE FAILS Being all poison, one 15c box will ypread or make 50 to 100 little cakes that will kill 500 or more rata and mice, and tnoimiwH o* Roaches, Ants and Bed Bugs. 15ce 25c & 75c boxel at all draggnu and country Storee. »rr Send for our comic postal «ttdt and mCC lithograph which have coavulaed til* world with laughter. B. S. WELLS. ChemUt. Jersey Qty. N. J. THE BtJTCH JOY PAINTER STANDS FOR PAINTQUAl it IS FOUND ONLY OK PUREWHITELEAD MADE BY THE OLD DUTCH PROCESS PATENTS , ;?r tTdlT>-t Invent.una " Fulltt#-* l1 fi.l !U> "9 iniilo Invent. without charge how u:y frit- patent, book.™ Bldg., Washington, 1>. 0. obtain a pat put,-,s. : >) Htr u;y ffw patent, booktal. BlMiAH M. KlTOHlN." "" ' " Usb Your SUver Every Dmp Silver shine dissolved In th® wash water will mam itlike MW. Tw»nty-av» oaal udoup by mail, fULVMl 8HUta CO., 106 Ooaan Bum,TME' -- Have Changed Countries. It' Ui ft curious coincidence that Can­ ada's greatest railroad man, Sir Wit liam Van Home, is a. native of the United States and that the greatest railroad builder of the United States. James J. Hill, !• * native of the do­ minion. • - » - Fast Travel In England. ®fce Bristol to Paddington (Eng.) expre»4 "BromoQuinine" nil im Laxative Bromo Qulnim s