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•>W'c*g: Thursday, March 21,1940 McLEAN'S f THE YEAR 187S im Ho"wMl"eo w Yow Yow! Spit! Ejrow! mmsfm THE POCKETBOOK of KNOWLEDGE 0«ER too.ooo »»EVSI PRODUCTS APPEARED THE AMERICAN MARKET SIHCB 1900 00 PfR&OH ,N fOUR EMPLOY® IN AMERICA TODAY WSPENDS FOR His JOB WUONN KONNOEW ONF- itNf ItNtDiTUSOT RIES KHOOe tSLANO, fMAllKT STATE IN THE UN'-.jN, 'X i'i ' tirfniMC/R.A HTlOLHDYt *,8 I1tTS6P'SIL6 AA1"NN-WSrDAFT T , SHTAATME S. A FAIR Of WOMCtfS STOCKINGS CON4TA IMNSI LAELSM OST OF «LK THP*An AllWAY TAXES lA«t YEAR averaged 9f OOOOOOA*4* mv:i "- • * i • - IfoHZMltt PUUNDEALZk t'-'y _ Pl-^l Seated on the west porch of the all the time in the world in which to Riverside Hotel, leaning back in hard- visitbottom arm chairs, sat three of Mc-1 Hank McLean robbed his thin- Henry's leading citizens Their feet! whiskered chin ai his all but toothless store. "Ed can sure outdo the cats themselves," remarked Dave Wocxjbura, as he burst into a fit of coughing. "I'll bet a dime," said John Mc- Omber, Sr., "that Hank Wightman's dog gets here first, Look at 'em come! Karges' dog; Taber's dog; Look at the bunch of 'em. Yes, and there is well known voice of Hank Wightman, as he drove up to the hotel. "IH stop long enuf any time to listen to McLean tell a story," and he looked around, challengingly. "It had better be better than umal," snapped Dick. McLean was in his element while getting someone's goat an(j he appreciated the fact that In Bishop he had a worthy adversary. That it takes flint upon steel to make sparks. "I suppose you heard the downpour last night, Dick," ventured Hank. "Yes, I did, and I was thinking the the baying of Ruff and Chubb (diet j mill pond would burst the dam. I Howard's dogs) and Geo. Beckwith's." was up all night watching it. What "As I was saying," resumed Hank, i^id y°jj dream, anything more than "General Hayes is going to make us usual?" a good President, but if they get them tariffs too high he is liable not to be "Yes," laughed Hank. "I vision of Noah and the Ark. had a I saw re-elected. I'm for him on getting the , animals go up the gang plank in. troops home from the South, civil ser-.j P&ira. It was raining and they were vice reform and a gold standard." j "ur^e<5 hy Noah, who kept looking at ,L oo.k ,„" said ^D ave, ,'- Jt uli-i a Sotio ry i• s I the skyf ., Did you know', Dic,k ,' t"h,Ba*t just coming out of her drug store and , *w p Kn P af, there is Billy Tilden going after the mail." Milkman Always Prepared For Notes On Doorstep JUST a scribbled note and if you want an extra quart of milk tor" Uuorrow it will be there because one of the simplest operations in the ^household routine is turning the milk on or off at the doorstep. Unexpected company arrives to Upend the night. No need to stretch the cream, just leave a note. Hushand decides without warning on a Weekend jaunt, so there will be nobody home till Monday. Just leave * note for the milkman. Because this is a part of the accepted service of American milk dis- - tribution, most people take it as a tsatter o* course. Whatever the pencilled note, the distributor's route man deposits the specified bottles. It would be a different story in Other parts of the world, says the Milk Industry Foundation. Along .Comes a local holiday or festival t; , *nd you flrst know of it because the milk hasn't been delivered. Armed with a container you go foraging for milk. If lucky, you get a quad of doubtful sanitary history. Otherwise, you take your coffee-** and the remainder of the holiday--* black, with more chicory than cheer. What do yeu do in this country? When it's time for breakfast. yo« are not disappointed. Why shonK a mere blizxard atop the railkmant The more you think about it. Um more you are inclined to accept thft daily milk bottle on the doorstep as a symbol of civilised convenience impossible under antiquated methods in countries where dog carta, open cans and other laggard devices are employed. Widespread daily U. 8. milk con* sumption is probably due to d* pendability of doorstep distribution. Americans can't resist such efficient services, and who's to blame themf Improved Methods Bring Better Wages Through Greater Values for More Buyers % 140 130 no 100 90 70, 1919-100% n* m • ^ 'Vr w 140 130 no 100 90 *9*5 I93° *935 70 194° Improved technology in the automobile industry has resulted in consumer benefits, as expressed--but only in part--by the lower price per pound. At the same time it has been possible to increase wage rates substantially. Thus, there, is a real contribution toward greater purchasing power. It Is pointed oat In a current message to stockholders by Alfred I", Sloan, Jrn Chairman mt General Motors, who explains: Sound and lasting advancement progress--In the nation is ^footed In the widening use, and v'f hence enjoyment, of Industry's foods and services, both necessi- .. / lies and conveniences. Increased *. Industrial activity, fuller employv %Qent and higher living standards require a balanced economic distribution between industry's component groups -- consumers, workers • »nd investors; government, too, has f ft •'% share. The total productivity of '. - 'Industry may be increased by the . V .Application of better tools and meth- *Ods. However, the attempt by any One group to advance itself uneconomically at the expense of another |s bound to fail. It may result In reducing the shares of all. r "If the point is reached, for instance, where technical advances resulting in increased efficiency are Unable to compensate folr higher wages, or shorter hours, or both, ~|ome other group must take that tnuch less. For instance, the price Ijpf the product to consumers--including the wdrker himself--may rise. Then, fewer goods are pu?- . i chased -- demand falls off -- and hours of work together with real annual earnings are reduced. The apparent gain has become an actual loss. Naturally, any higher fynposts by government on production or consumption, by increasing the price of goods, automatically reduce the share of workers, Investors and consumers In Industry's productivity. "In the automobile industry improved methods resulting in constantly - increasing efficiency have made possible wage rates well above the level of Industry in general. Superimposed upon this has been substantially greater values for customers. "Such a result Is highly desirable to the degree that It represents an evolutionary process rather tdan arbitrarily imposed levels. Increased real wages buy more, and lower < prices bring goods and services -vithin the reach of more buyers. This is the effective means to a sound and advancing economy, to the enlarged opportunities that all so greatly desire." Sure is a fine spring day," remarked McOmber. "The 'red horse' will be spawning soon. We will be sure when we p-ee Hank Mead with his spear." "We never had good times yet when the Democrats were in," broke in Hank, being always political minded "Grant was a good President," challenged Dave. "Yes, but too easy-going," joined McOmber. Hank looked slyly at his companions. "Did I ever tell you about how the Democratic species was preserved when N^ah set sail in the ark?" "Yes, I heard about it a couple of times," answered Mr. Woodbum, winking at McOmber. "You don't know half what happened when that boat was loaded," continued Hank. "Just to prove it, tell me how many pair of humans took the trip. Just answer me that." "Couldn't have been many," chanced McOmber. "Noah sure had a lot of critters aboard and yet they must of had quite a crew. Don't tell me that with all that rain it didn't storm." Hank replenished his fine cut and settled back in his chair. All three wore high leather boots, Hank's the worse for wear, showing a bare toe through a hole in the ri<rht one. "Well, it was this way," commenced Hank, "Noah took a hundred years to build the ark." "Could you have turned it out soon- "No, I wouldn't have spared the time." grinned Hank,- as he spat at a floating butterfly. McOmber laughed heartily, and Hank swelled with pride, as he always did when the audience appreciated his wit. "I was just thinking of a good joke on Georsre Gage." countered McOmber. "You know the big oak tree by Owens? I told George the other day that when I first came here I nearly cut it for a 'walking stick.'" "You did." roared Hank, "and did he believe it?" "Yes, I think he did. I kept straight face. You know he keeps some kind of a historical record." Hank s'npped both .sides of his knees. "Why, that tree was as big as it is now when I came here in '37. Must have been a good size when Washington was at Valley Forge. Last night's rain was a soker, insisted McLean, "and when it rains like that I always enjoy lying awake and imagining I'm in Noah's ark. I could heat the bleat of the sheep, the roar lions and the trumpeting of ele* phants." You just about missed that boat anyway," coughed Dave, as his face grew red under the bronchial spasm "You are going to cough that head of yours off some day," ventured Hank. "That's just what I've always said," answered Dave, relaxing. "Got it down South when I was in the army." "How old be you anyway, Hank" inquired McOmber. You werq way too old for the jrar. You must of been born about the turn of the century." Hank ignored the age question. • tttaybe he did not just know. "I could-a ibught all right, John, bu^ was too busy in politics and busie* eeping the northern Copperheads rom shooting our boys in the back, veryone of them 'Copperheads' was e Democrat," went on Hank, warmly* J'and that's where Noah made his big istake. He should of wore glasses, ^Jow If you can keep still long enuf--" He was interrupted as the teams of ^ohn Claxton and Sim Covell went splashing by to the accompaniment of Rattling milk cans. Greetings were Jieartily given and returned. Hard working young fellow*/* t»- _ jnarked McOmber. . Good for them." growled HanTt to liimself. "I'll wait for Burte Howe to get by. Abe Lincoln told me that , 'subtle derision is the best of weapons,' and, by gawd, Abe knew. Aloud: "'Here comes^Stebbins and Hibard. The more the better. Wish jome Democrats would show up, Dick Bishop especially. How a man of his Wit and gab can be a Democrat, I <junfio. He's a noisy little fella." The newcomers seated themselves and passed the time of day. "Hank had a dream about Noah and the Ark during the storm last night »nd he was just telling us about it,"£ Ventured Mr. Wood burn. Seizing the opportunity, Hank beat the conversation and launched again Into his story. "I was just telling the boys that if it was to keep on raining like it did last night, we might be jpeeding a fair-sized boat ourselves." "The 'Mary GriswoW could take tare of a few of us," laughed Mr. Hib- •rd. "Don't be a d fool," flared Hank, '•it wouldn't hold nothing. Not even with the other steamboats." "We all srot rowboats," laughed Mr. Stebbins. "Just wait a moment, Hank, here comes Fred Mayes and Dick Sishop." » "Well, IH beg--- d - -grinned Hank to himself. "Funny how people gather when it gets around that Judge McLean is warmed up. Sick is sure going to get mad when I tell this one." "Hello, Dick! Hello, F. G.," greeted the sitters. "Hank was just telling bBs about a dream he had last night." 'Who had :* roared the 1 ' * r snapped Dick, aboard that boat? There were six Republicans and two Democrats and the Democrats almost missed the boat." "They did get on, did they Hank, and they got off the boat when the dry season returned. as the crowd roared. "Yes, but it was a close call for them," continued the story teller. "You must know, Dick, that Noah was a staunch Republican and when the Democrat and his wife walked boldly up the plank, Noah pushed them back with a pike pole and addressed them: 'Democrats,' he said, 'you never offered to help me with this ark. You laughed me to scorn. You told everybody I was crazy. You even loosened the props about the boat. In private you promised me hay and grain in abundance, in public you told everybody it wasn't going to rain. You told the people to spend, spend, spend, and you even had them destroy crops and food animals. Then everybody went broke and you and your kind set up a dole and the poor were millions and thj6v workers fed those out of work and it was well that they did. You told them all that there never would be a flood. That there was plenty of high ground. Just vote the Democratic ticket and the ark would rot where Noah built it. Now the rains have come and you have great fear, but you failed to tell the people that your ways had been false. Now.' thundered Noah, 'you h#ve the crust to come to me for sanctuary. Be gone! The Lord does not want to save your species.'" Hank now lowered his voice to an almost husky whisper. "The Democrat and his wife fled from the righteous wrath of Noah. In despair they took refuge under an overhanging rock and wrung their hands as they watched a fine pair^of elephants enter the ark. Along came hogs grunting and squealing. Mrs. Democrat seized her husband's arm. 'Quick, do as I do!' and she dropped to her knees and squealed and grunted. Democrat got the idea and presently they followed their adopted kin up the gangplank. "The sad part of the story now comes," continued Hank. "Noah had weak, watery, near-sighted eyes, and after the true hogs had passed, he looked with joy upon the false hogs, and then, with uplifted eyes, he said. 'Well, I'll be d if the Lord hasn't sent me a new variety of short-nosed swine,' and squealing and grunting, the Democrats scampered into the bowels of the ark." The roar that followed brought Henry Colby from his store. Mrs. Gates muttered something about "lazy old fools." Mat Engeln ("Flint Mattas) looked down the street with a grin. Ed. Lawless came out of his store. 'Meow, Yoow, E-Yow! Yow! Spit! Yow!" March IS, 1940--'With apologies to my ©Id pal, Asahel Stevens, and best wishes to surviving relatives of this sketch, I am, . Sincerelv. >f$$NK W. BENNETT,:.' ; 635 Grand Avfe., •' v&P ®t- Paul, Mifljii, :• \ Read the'Want Ada BOOTS, BOOTS, BOOTS! 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