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Paga 2 NORTHWEST HERALD Section B Monday. September23> 1985 Advice Donald Kaul New yuppies can't match the old guard The Yuppie fad seems to have died out A couple of months ago you could hardly pick up a magazine without seeing an article or two on Yuppies -- young urban professionals. Now they're denying that such an animal ever existed. It's just as well Those new Yuppies were giving us old Yuppies a bad name 1 eat quiche, I admit itj like fine wine, wear a Rolex watch, drive a BMW, hold credit cards and own a personal computer. I've got everything a Yuppie needs except youth. To be a real Yuppie, they say, you have to be under 40 The last time I was under 40, Richard Nixon Was president. A purist would say that I never was a Yuppie, even when I was young, that Yuppies are a new American phenome­ non, like TV dinners. That's nonsense or, in any case, a far too restrictive definition. If you expand the term to include young, (ital) upwardly mobile (end ital) professionals, then Yuppies are a fine old American institution, the backbone of our society In my book, being a Yuppie has little to do with wearing a Rolex watch; it has to do with wanting to live better than your parents did, however you define better. This country was settled by Yuppies, people who left the barren prospects of their homelands to risk everything in search of a better life for themselves and their families. The Slavs who came to work in the steel mills were Yuppies, so were the Jews who quit eastern Europe for New York's lower East Side. Farmers who moved west to settle the prairies were Yuppies, as were those who later left their dust-blown farms to seek out California's promise. Central Ameri­ cans fleeing poverty and oppression, Vietnamese escaping a war, Southern blacks moving north -- all Yuppies. What they lacked in professionalism, they made up for in mobility. These modern Yuppies, the brie and chablis crowd, are but a decadent remnant of a once noble breed. I became a Yuppie (luring the immediate post-World War II era and, in some ways, we resembled the modern version. There was a certain look we cultivated -- khaki pants, tweed coats, button-down collars -- in imitation of the rich, and we sought to emulate their habits. We had to learn to drink scotch (no easy task) and mix martinis and not seem drunk even when we were. That was the style. But that wasn't all there was to it, that was the minor part. To be a true Yuppie in the circles I moved in back then you had to do more than surround yourself with the appropriate hardware, you had to learn things. You had to learn to like classical music, read serious books, think up a witty remark when the occasion demanded it, produce a brittle laugh. (I used to practice my brittle laugh in the bathroom, but I never got really good at it. Mine kept bending.) You didn't get to be a Yuppie by memorizing a wine list. And money, oddly enough, had little to do with being one. Paradoxi­ cally, even as we sought to (ital) look (end ital) rich, most of us actively distained the idea of earning a lot of money. That was for Philistines, our intellectual inferiors. Well, that sort of smug arrogance wears thin after a while. As you grow older you And that money has its uses and that nice things, like Rolex watches, are ... well ... nice. But no more than that, no big deal. v • " . * ,*" •' That, I take it, is the difference between my kind of Yuppie and the^ Yuppies that filled the magazines last spring. Today's young, up­ wardly mobile professional is into money and power and seemingly little else; his possessions are totems of his success. He buys, therefore he is. I was struck by the comment of a Yuppie woman in Newsweek magazine, which did a cover story on the breed. An attorney, married to an attorney, she said: "Without children, I would be comfortable with $200,000 a year. Money means a lot to my happiness. I want to be able to go to Europe when I want to, to buy clothes if I want to." She said that she buys two outfits a week and added: ; "The way you look is very important. Sometimes I think it is more important than what you can do." That would be funny if it weren't so pathetic. When they put the Statue of Liberty together again, maybe they should change her message to read: "Give me your bored, your jaded, your huddled Yuppies, yearning for cheese brie, "The wretched computer programmers from your teeming shores. "Send these, the condo-less, recession-tossed to me. "I lift my Georg Jensen candelabra by the designer-decorated door." It's people like that young woman who gave Yuppiedom its bad name. I'm ready to sell my Rolex for a Seiko and trade in my BMW on a Chevy pickup. Well, maybe I won't go that far, but I am going to cut down on credit cards. Dorm-sized microwaves available PARAMUS, N.J. (UPI) - The usual popcorn popper, coffee pot and other assorted make-do kitchen items college students cart to school to make dorm life more bearable may soon be-joined by microwaves. The Sharp Electronics Corp. has 50 LUCKY HOMEOWNERS WANTED |T§ int/oduce this ntw Acrylium Space-Age Product never before seen in the I Northern Illinois area, the first 50 homeowners responding to this ad will J MM their homes insulated and resided at half price. The size or type of I | your home boot Important 1 ACRYLIUM® SHAKE SIDING 50% OFF Iff You Act Nowl OFFER GOOO 30 DAYS ONLY •A VARIETY OF DECORATOR COLORS •60 YEAR WARRANTY m LONDON HOME IMPROVEMENT CO. .. Cell Collect 815-943-7466 I HARVARD, IL OUR 4«Ui YEAR DEAR ABBY By Abigai l Van Buren Bible camp's faith test receives 'F' grade DEAR ABBY: Our son recently returned from a Bible camp sponsored by our local church where the following incident occurred: It was late evening when 25 to 35 kids, aged 13 and 14, were in the main dormitory with the lights out. Suddenly a dozen or so men in camouflage uniforms burst into the dorm with lanterns. One was armed with a shotgun, another had a rifle. They said they were an anti-Christian organization. No one was allow­ ed to leave tftuLaeferai children were shoved and cuffed to indicate that they meant business. At first some kids laughed, then they became terrified and began to cry. Several children managed to slip out through a side dooi* and duck into a school bus where they hid under the seats. Two girls were known to be held by the man who was carrying the rifle. Two shots were fired, and some of the kids assumed the girls were dead. Meanwhile, three other girls ran to a nearby cabin inhabited by some locals who became frightened and called the police. The police arrived and contacted the camp counselor who, by the way, was a respected teacher and wrestling coach. He admitted it was a mock raid to show the kids what could happen to Christian children in some non- Christian countries! My wife still thinks this was a good "educa­ tional experience" for our son, and that I miss­ ed the point. I am angry, to say the least. Would you say this was educational? Your comments, please. ANGRY IN RICHFIELD. MINN. DEAR ANGRY: It was indeed educational. You parents learned that the Bible camp counselor used unforgivably poor judgment when he subjected your children to an act of tertoriam to make a point. Although the' raid was mock, the emotional impact of that horrifying experience was very real to those children, who may later need therapy to recover from recurring nightmares. Your anger is justified. Your wife missed the point. I think the counselor should be psychlatrical- ly examined. And If he is as sick as I think he is, he should be relieved of his responsibilities as a teacher and counselor until he is treated and recovers. • • • DEAR ABBY: I am the swimming super­ visor for the Elmira Heights (N.Y.) Swimming Program. Earlier this week, I discussed a let­ ter in your column with my Basic Water Safety class. It concerned the woman whose husband (a non-swfmmprl Wl nut nf a hnatanri nearly drowned because he wasn't wearing a life jacket. Two days later, a similar tragedy oc­ curred on a lake near here. A man and his daughter drowned when thei? boat capsized. Neither was wearing a life jacket. * Because of this, the lifeguards in our area urged me to write and thank you for reminding non-swimmers to wear life jackets. But, Abby, please stress that life jackets, vests and cushions are important not only for non- swimmers, but for every person who gets into a boat. Accidents do happen, and no matter how well a person can swim, there is always the possibility that an injury could prevent the most competent swimmer from saving himself. > Many tragedies could be avoided if everyone who gets into a boat would wear a life vest. Can you believe that some people won't wear life vests because they think they don't look good in them! If they're unconscious, it doesn't matter how good they look, or how good they can swim. DEBORAH FISK AND THE LIFEGUARDS DEAR DEBORAH AND LIFEGUARDS: Thanks for writing. You may have saved some lives today because you cared enough to write. Nobody gets right to the point anymore By Mark Patlnkln Providence Journal If you've been told to lay"off a few hundred employees, there's an easy way to soften the blow. Tell them they're being "involuntarily sepa­ rated." That's what AT&T did. If you tried to market a computer that no one bought, don't admit you're junking it. Insist you've sim­ ply "completed production." That's what IBM did with PCjr. And if you're guilty of fraud, don't call it fraud. Call it a "systems failure." That's what the Bank of Boston did when it pleaded guilty to failing to report more than $1 billion in cash transfers. Thes& are the latest from the Na­ tional Council of Teachers of En­ glish, which monitors language abuse. They recently came out with their latest rundown. So far, 1965's been a tough year. Take the Chicago Board of Educa­ tion. It no longer calls it cheating. Instead, in analyzing the test scores of a questionable group of students, they said: "Something irregular happened that cannot be explained by chance." Meanwhile, a New Jersey develop­ er felt "kitchen" was too pedestrian. It now says its new homes have "customized culinary centers." And the development itself, incidentally, is not a neighborhood with winding streets. It's a "patio community' with a "curvelinear road system." The understatement award might go to the New York preservation officer who assessed plans to tear down a historic bridge. "The bridge," he said, "would be adversely affected by demolition." And the euphemism award goes to an instructor at the Army War Col­ lege. If you're outnumbered, he said, don't look upon the invaders as a superior force, consider them a "target-rich environment." just come up with a "sub-compaci' microwave model which the compa­ ny says is just right for college dorm cookery. The so-called "Half Pint" model is a mere 13-inch cube and designed to sit atop the mini refrig­ erators that have been an appliance staple in dorm rooms for years. Weekdays No Bargain Show 5? GHOSTBUSTERS Ff! 5 30 7 30 9 30 Sat Sun 1 15 3 20 5 30 7:30 9:30 Mon Thurs 6 8:15 RAMBOII Fn 6 810 Sat Sun 2 4 6 8 10 Mon Thurs 6 10 7:50 v'.1- u?r-. t j-y CREATURE Fn 6 20 8 15 10 10 Sat Sun. 2 15 « 10 6 20 8 15 10 10 Mon Thurs 6 15 8:15 PEE WEE'S Blfi ADVENTURE Fn 6 9 45 Sat Sun. 1 40 6 9 45 Mon Thurs 6 RETURN OF THE DEAD Fn 7 45 Sat Sun 3 40 7 45 Mon Thurs 8 GODZILLA 1985 Fn 5 15 7 15 9 15 Sat Sun 1 30 3 30 5 15 7 15 9 15 Mon Thurs 6 20 8 20 AMERICAN NINJA Fn 5 40 7 40 9 40 Sat Sun 2 3 50 5 407 40 9 40 Mon Thurs 6 05 7 45 I „ What's happened to language so far in 1965? It seems to have gained some weight. In California, emergency vehicles are now called "major incident re­ sponse units." Kansas City's Metropolitan Com­ munity Colleges have dropped the phrase "tenured professor." They now call them "nonprobationary faculty members." Weather no longer simply moves. A Montana TV announcer reported that the "storm would amplitude to our area." And a helicopter crash, resulting in six deaths at Camp Lejeune, was not called a crash. It was a "hard landing." Perhaps that's not so bad. The Federal Aviation Administra­ tion calls crashes "controlled flights into terrain."" The area where language seemed to gain the most weight, as i&ual, was in education. A research report contained the following sentence: "The children's preference for strat­ egy was most clearly evident when they were near the limits of their capacity and needed to allocate their resources to optimal advantage." The report, incidentally, was on improving reading. It also contained this sentence: "Ultimately, proficient reading entails a blend of concerns for mo­ mentum and accountability to text." It gets even tougher as students get older. An Oxford University lec­ turer said this: "The very form of our subjection lies in our trust in a subjectivity transcendental of all determina­ tions. It isn't just, then, that there's a pre-given space of interior subjec- ticity, which is then, in a secondary move, colonised, disfigured, brain­ washed, manipulated by certain sin­ ister external powers." The lecturer's topic still remains unclear. Does anyone get right to the point anymore? Los Angeles Dodgers Manager Tommy Lasorda came close. "Stuff- wise," he said recently, "Gooden reminds me of Sandy Koufax." Fred Friendly, former head of CBS news, was similarly direct in his comment on journalists who us§, composite characters. "A compos­ ite," he said, "is a euphemism for a lie." Finally, in this time of referring to nuclear missiles as "Peacekeepers" and invasions as Ma request for as­ sistance from a friendly govern­ ment," the English teachers point to Israel's official language as a model. 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