L The upheaval created by `The Bad Grammar Spammer' That's Life Andy Juniper Guest Contributor 9 | Thursday, July 10, 2014 | OAKVILLE BEAVER | www.insideHALTON.com ast week, according to an email I sent to a thousand or so business associates, friends and acquaintances, I was in the Ukraine on an... "impromptu trip for a program." And while the trip was apparently "successful" (thank goodness), "our journey turned sour (boo). We misplaced our wallet and mobile phone on our way back to the hotel we lodge in after we went for sight seeing. The wallet contained all the valuables we had. Now our passport is in custody of the hotel management pending when we make payment." I closed out the email by asking a thousand or so business associates, friends and acquaintances to forward cash to help extricate me from this rather prodigious pickle. Speci cally, I said: "I am sorry if I am inconveniencing you, but I have only very few people to run to now. I will be indeed very grateful if I can get a loan of $2,000 from you. This will enable me to sort out my hotel bills and get my sorry self back home." Fittingly, I was being tortured by my physiotherapist when I discovered my email account had been compromised. As my therapist convinced my shoulders to do things they were never meant to do, my phone began vibrating as well-intentioned souls warned me I'd been hacked by The Bad Grammar Spammer, whose fractured English frankly reminded me of dialogue from a Saturday Night Live sketch. Of course, I felt violated, angry and indignant. In breaching my email, the hackers had access to pretty much my every thought as documented over the past ve years. And what was up with them putting me in such peril (stuck helpless in the Ukraine) and asking for such a pittance? I fought the temptation to resend the spam with an upped ante, asking people to send, say , $10,000. Once home from physio, I changed my email password. Then I attempted to email everyone to let them know that it wasn't me who was spammin' and scammin'. Trouble was, my email wasn't working. Nothing coming in. Nothing going out. Oh, and every email I'd written since joining Gmail was... gone. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I had no time for either. I was too busy elding texts and calls. One woman wrote she had only sent me one measly email many years ago, so why was I asking her for money? Others innocently wondered whether I was really in the Ukraine. Close friends called just to mock my misfortune. Meanwhile, our eldest was on the case: deter- mined to nd out what was going on with my email account, and discover what had happened to all my archived emails. By mid-afternoon he had answers. Suspecting foul play, my account had been temporarily shut down. As for all those emails, they were slowly being recovered and returned -- not to their original folders, mind you, rather, to my inbox. Currently there are 4,000 emails cluttering my inbox, crying for my attention. Could be worse, I suppose. I could be stuck in the Ukraine. Thanks, Bad Grammar Spammer. -- Andy Juniper can be contacted at ajjuniper@ gmail.com and found on Facebook and Twitter . Secure your future with hands-on training. APPLY NOW FOR FALL START DATES! September 2, 2014 Electrical Training Program (22 weeks) September 15, 2014 Millwright & Machinist (22 weeks) September 22, 2014 Home Renovation Program (26 weeks) Interlocking Tumblestone, Retaining Walls, Garden Installation, Sodding & Excavating, Call for FREE Estimate plus more (905) 827-8158 · www.rogerslandscaping.org BIG DEAL! liquidators 25%Off Many colours & styles to choose from Oakville's Only TRUE Liquidation Store! AREA RUGS LADIES' ASSORTED "THE SINGING MACHINE" Weekend Special KARAOKE July 11, 12, 13 Only SANDALS SYSTEM $ ASSORTED PATIO SETS $ ea. Huge selection 5 compare at $300 99 25%Off LADIES' HAIR COLOUR KITS ea. Incl: L'Oreal, Revlon, Garnier BICYCLES $ 5 25 % Off PURINA MAXX SCOOP CAT LITTER Assorted sizes & styles $ 99 ea. 11 kg. N 5 *All specials are while supplies last. New BIG DEALS arriving weekly. Hours: Mon. - Fri. 10 - 9 Sat. 9:30 - 7 · Sun. 10 - 6 520 Kerr St. Oakville Like Us On BIG DEAL Kerr St. Speers Rd.