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4 The Canadian Statesman, Bowmanville, October 8. 1975 Seetion Two My Political Career by John Squirrelly It is a little known fact of Ontario's political history that I was a candidate in the recent provincial election. Running as an independent in the constituency of Bobcageon- Nogies Creek, I was defeated by the partisan local press and forced to withdraw in disgrace even before polling day arriv- ed. It is a sad story but it bas made me a wiser, if poorer, man. I was first approached this summer by a number of prominent residents of the area who asked me to be their standard bearer. Before com- mitting myself, I asked my wife if she could recal anything in my past that could be used against me by my opponents, or any incident that would reflect unfavour- ably on my candidacy. She assured me that I had never done -a-single dishonourable thing in my whole life. I then surveyed the field. one candidate operated a rendering plant whose foul odour pervaded the entire county, a nuisance he had persistently refused to elimin- ate in spite of orders to do so by the authorities. Another had been named a co-respond- ent in four separate local divorce actions and the third was a saloonkeeper. I felt that my unblemished character would assure me a victory over that lot. I accepted the nomination. Two days later, an item in the Nogies Creek Daily Inquir- er caught my attention. It ran as follows: "The independents have bragged, or is it brayed, about impeccable background of their candidate, John Squir- relly. Can they, then, some- how explain why Mr. Squir- relly was seen on Sunday morning by respectable church-goers lying on the front lawn of the Jones Funeral Parours in an intoxi- cated and dishevelled condi- tion? The electorate should demand an explanation." I was outraged. I had spent the entire Saturday evening reading a new novel sent by the book club and listening to a symphony concert on the radio. I hadn't touched a drop nor had I left my bouse either Saturday night or Sunday morning. The following evening, as I was about to issue an had ever indignant denunciation of this charge, hecklers in the audi- ence continually interrupted my speech with shouts of "Squirrelly the drunken sot," turning the occasion lmto a complete disaster. The next day, at editorial in the Bobcaygeon National Re- view innocently inquired whether the Vancouver police had ever executed the warrant for my arrest on a charge of having viciously beaten an elderly pensioner because he stopped to rest on my front porch during a rainstorm. I can put my hand on the Good Book and swear that I A WIFE 1S A WOMAN TUAI TSTKXS WIT H HER HuseANDrTHRNb6H ALL THE TRoOLSE5E WôuLOMHAVE HA I NE HAPN'TMARRED HER. BYA M PLUMBING &HEAiING and AIR CONDITIONING TYRONE, ONTARIC Phone 263-2650 have never even passed through Vancouver, much less owned a front porch there. Nor had I ever in my life encountered such calumny and vituperation against my good name. A scheduled meeting that night with the electorate was a shambles, punctuated as it was by the screams of hired agitators yelling "Squirrelly the mad dog" in harmony with the chorus that was already chanting "Squirrelly the drunken sot." The following morning, I was somewhat apprehensive about opening the Peter- borough World Herald, in much the same way that one is leery of sticking his finger into an electric light socket. The lead editorial was edged in black to set it off. "The independent candidate has now so much to answer for that it boggles the mind to think that a fresh charge of infamy could be levelled at him. However, it has come to our notice that Mr. Squirrelly is still being sought by a Texas state attorney for having taken off with the county funds allocated to a home for orphaned children." The editor then labelled me "Squirrelly the Heartless Ab- sconder," a term I knew would be interjected contra- punctally with the two other slanders to be chanted at all my subseouent rallies. This, in spite of the fact that I have never been wittlm a thousand miles of Texas. The piece went on to say that an 'outraged citizenry should reject me summarily at the polls and not attempt to invade my home and do me physical violence. It then gave my address. I shot out of my chair and bolted out the back door just as a swarm of enraged voters charged in at the front carrying ax handles. Not finding me, they left, carting off everything that was not firmly anchored to the masonry. Unfortunately, about a block away I ran into another group armed with horsewhips who beat me unmercifully. At a meeting that night, amidst a hailstorm of soft tomatoes and a three part cantata of vilification, I ten- dered my resignation from the party. I told the assembled crowd of friends and vigi- lantes, "While I think you might learn to like me after a while, I'm not sure my health is up to such robust style of politics. In future, I shall try something less physically de- manding, such as swimming the northwest passage. I wish you good-bye and good luck. I have to go now as I have an apartment awaiting me at the hospital." With that, I entered an ambulance and left. HAYDON (intended for last week) Mr. and Mrs. Gordon Dud- ley, and Neil, Burlington, were week-end visitors with her mother, Mrs. A. Read. Mr. and Mrs. Wayne Piggott and family, Enniskillen, were Sunday Supper guests of Mrs. Piggott's, mother Mrs. A. Read. Mr. and Mrs. Delbert Potts, Cornwall, Mrs. W. Martin, Hillsdale Manor, Oshawa, week-end visitors of the J. Potts family. Mr. and Mrs. Wilbur Black- burn and family attended Newcastle Church service on Sunday morning when Jeremy Edward, son of Mr. and Mrs. Wayne Blackburn was christ- ened. Mr. and Mrs. W. Blackburn and family were dinner guests of Mr. and Mrs. Wayne Blackburn. Mr. and Mrs. J. Jones visited Mr. and Mrs. Jim Jones, Scarborough and Mr. and Mrs. Lloyd Ashton, Ron- ald and Ray, Mr. and Mrs. Ross Ashton enjoyed a family dinner at Mr. and Mrs. Michael Strenge's Missis- sauga, on Sunday. 246 King St. East Phone 623-3388 Your Fire Emergency Telephone Numbers Bowmanville 623-3300 Newcastle 987-4211 Orono 983-5302 Compliments of James Insurance Agency Ltd.