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6 The Canadian Statesman, Bowmanville, September 4,1985 Section Two Mutual Exchange Critical by Lloyd Scott M. A. Between married partners one of the common questions asked is "Do you want...?" or "What do you want?" The tone of voice will vary, the phrasing won't always be the same, the essential meaning remains unchanged. in this often-repeated question. Conversely, one of. the uncommon uncommon mutual exchanges between spouses is "I need or want..." or "This is what I need or want." I use the phrase "mutual •exchanges" between spouses because the mutuality is also rare. It's fairly common that one spouse is clear in stating his or her needs, as it is that the other is not. Frequently, it's the latter spouse who asks the question, "What do you want?" or typically, "What more do you want?" It's my observation that many of us in our marriages (and in our other relationships a well) find it very hard to say what we need and want within those relationships. A lot of help and encouragement is often necessary for us to discover discover what our needs really are in the first place - and then to say those all-important words to the persons who most need to hear them. What's at issue here, I think, is the critical matter of individual individual responsibilities in relationships, relationships, particularly in marriages. These include: the willingness to take responsibility responsibility for one's feeling and needs, the willingness to state clearly those feelings and needs, the determination to strongly protect one's self- interests, and the capacity to listen to and begin to understand understand one's partner's feeling and needs. As everyone knows, these are tough responsibilities and for most of us require years to become operational. However, only on the basis of clearly stated positions can couples begin to negotiate their differences. As one spouse put it: "Why do I always have to compromise for both of us? Why can't you say what you want, just as I do - then we'll have a basis for negotiating." It's always seemed strange in my life - this apparent inability that so many of us experience in knowing and stating our needs and wants. Does -the explanation lie in the fact that we've all been taught that to say what's important for us in our relationships relationships is selfish and wrong? Is independent behavior necessarily "selfish" behavior? behavior? Can spouses' independent independent behavior make for stronger partnerships? For more equal partnerships? For more successful divorces? As I recall my own growing up in a strongly religious family, there were two injunctions injunctions which rose above all the others in importance. One was to love God. The other was to love thy neighbor as thyself. Can we truly love and respect our neighbor, our spouse, our friend unless we can love and respect ourselves? ourselves? At the risk of oversimplifying oversimplifying important truths in their application to modern marriage, I suggest that without without a clear understanding of our own, it's difficult for us to acknowledge our partners' needs. However, once both partners in a troubled marriage begin to take that initial step, each then is empowered to enter into negotiations toward mutally- satisfying ways of gratifying those needs. And as each partner partner becomes more comfortable comfortable in taking an independent position and standing his or her ground, respect for the other grows stronger. Each partner must know where the other stands for a marriage to be strong. As one expert in the field of marital therapy puts it: "Each partner must learn eventually that unless they respect their prerogatives and work toward having these honored, they will be unable to gratify their partner's prerogatives." prerogatives." Many would argue that all of this talk of needs and wants, of independence and standing one's ground has nothing to do with true love in marriage. I would argue that these are among the ways in which love can be expressed in marriage, that these are the ways in which love becomes operational operational rather than merely an abstract ideal. "To love one's partner as oneself" is no less difficult than it's always been, partly because we've been given too little education and support in accepting, acknowledging, acknowledging, respecting, loving and celebrating ourselves. Mr. Scott operates the Durham-Northumbcrland Family Counselling Service located in the Orono Medical Centre, office phone 98:1-9792, home 797-2234. International Youth Year 1985 f'ArmciPAtioN otvciowiN? ft ACC ' c The Cirwj in im Ogm tlooety /. .fbmilii i ' ? 1a ~li "TP Ï D ! ! v -J|ikly) ' X 1 it u;;p i , " 1 V>\ SEMI A r ^ LEVI STRAUSS &CO. SAN FRANCISCO.CAl. 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