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t 6 The Canadian Statesman, Bowmanvillc, September 1G, 1987 Section Two Coping With Divorce: Surviving the Breakup By Lloyd Scott Today, I'm mad as hell. Once again, I've found myself myself cringing when people say that children of divorcing divorcing parents "will bounce back. Just this week, two respected respected MD's were quoted to me as saying that children and teenagers need no special special attention during their parents' separation and divorce. divorce. A brief period of adjustment adjustment is all that's necessary necessary and they'll be fine. First of all, let me dismiss the old notion that children (of whatever age) are necessarily necessarily better off in an intact family. I disagree with that. In lots of circumstances, kids are better off when their parents parents divorce. This is especially especially true when the intact family family is a violent one. Ending the marriage may be the only way to end the violence. And ending the violence to which the children are subjected or which they have to witness between their parents can only be a good thing. Please don't get me wrong. I believe in the family. I'm a family man. One of the main thrusts of my work is to help families sort out their problems, problems, learn to express their feelings more comfortably to one another, and build stong- er bonds. Nevertheless, some families have to break up. Consquently, I'm often asked to help parents and children 3ip parents c cope during that painful period. period. But to say that children of divorce bounce back is wrong, misleading and irresponsible. irresponsible. Therapists, marriage marriage and family counsellors, social workers, Children's Aid and other front-line workers-they're all in a position position to understand what families go through during a divorce. But many people don't comprehend what the on-going pain of family breadup is all about. And when I near these experiences experiences cavalierly dismissed, particularly particularly children's experiences, experiences, I see red. Divorce in our society is now commonplace. It's part of our lifestyle. Whereas years ago we were taken back when we met someone who had been divorced, we're now likely to be surprised surprised when we meet someone someone who hasn't been divorced divorced and is still living comfortably with his or her original partner. And because it's all rather ordinary to read and hear about the tens of thousands of homes annually disrupted by separation and impending impending divorce, we seem to have become inured, habituated to it, even blase aboutit. Until it 'happens to us. Divorcing parents and their children have for some time been an explosively expanding expanding population. Yet, its needs aren't sufficiently recognized, recognized, studied or served. Worse still, far too little investigation investigation has been done into the impact of divorce on children, both at the time of the separation/divorce and ■ for years afterward. It was once commonly assumed assumed that a transition period period of about a year following divorce was sufficient recovery recovery time. We now know that even years after separation, feelings of anger, rejection and humiliation are still running running high, that most adults after several yeasrs still haven't haven't reestablished stability and continuity in their lives, or order in their households. We now know that, for years after their parents' divorce, many children are still on a downward course compared with their overall functioning functioning before separation, and haven't yet recovered their earlier developmental stride. Look at the factor of time in another way. Change in adult life is gradual, painful and hard-won, and often extends extends over several years. Yet what appears a reasonable expectation within the time' sense of an adult has a different different dimension and meaning meaning in the life of a child. Two or three years of instability represent a significant part of a child's entire life-- perhaps one-half the llifo of a kindergarten girl, or a third of the life of a nine-year old boy. And this is how a child is likely to experience a period period of disruption, as half or even more of his or her entire entire life. This time differential isn't well understood by parents and other adults close to the children of divorcing families. families. Adults see one, two or three years of disruption as a relatively small percentage of the 30, 40 or 50 years they've lived. They think that "bouncing back" is a realistic realistic expectation. A young child, half of whose life has been lived in emotional confusion-angry, confusion-angry, hurt, scared and lonely--can't bounce back. (Probably the best single book on the subject for divorced divorced and divorcing parents, parents, is Surviving The Breakup, Breakup, How Parents and Children Children Cope With Divorce, by Judith Wallerstein and Joan. Kelly. I've once more consulted consulted it in the preparation of this article. I recommend it.) Lloyd Scott is a Marriag and "Family Counsellor n private practice in Oshawa and the Orono Medical Center. Center. He welcomes letters from readers. Please feel free to write in confidence to Handling It, c/o The Statesman, Statesman, Box 190, Bowmanville, Ontario. L1C 3K9 e in BUSINESS DIRECTORY ACCOUNTANCY WILLIAM'C. HALL B.Comm. Chartered Accountant 35 King St. W., Newcastle Phone 987-4240 JOHN MANUEL, C.G.A. 118 King St. East, Bowmanville Phone 623-6555 WINTERS, SUTHERLAND & MOASE Peter A. Hobb, C.A. Chartered Accountants 23 Silver St. Bowmanville 623-9461 DOUGLAS R. FREEMAN, B.A., C.A. 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