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2 The Canadian Statesman. Rmvmanvillc. October 21, 1987 Section Two Z N Separateness Strengthens Marriages by Lloyd Scott Many married couples are together too much and don't know how to get unstuck. unstuck. The very word, marriage, conjures up a picture of a husband and wife always together, together, like a horse and buggy. It implies inseparable. inseparable. The word, separation, on the other hand, has come to mean broken up or put asunder. It suggests the end of a marriage, the step preceding preceding divorce. We expect far too much of marriage. The demands we place on this often-fragile institution are staggering. Couples are burdened with the expectations of family and society that they'll always always be together and that they'll always be happy in love. This romantic and sexual ideal of always in each other's arms till death do us part puts a helluva strain on even the best of potential marriages. Trying to live up ;ttr unrealistic ideals (or worse, feeling obliged to), .many couples simply give ;up; exhausted, smothered îancj emotionally drained. 'Mâtriages collapse under ■the strain. '-"."By expecting, even insisting insisting on, a lifetime of happy marital togetherness, we've SJready planted the seeds -of'separateness and apartness--even apartness--even aversion, hostility, hostility, hatred and divorce. Trying Trying to guarantee closeness, Iwe produce distance. Fear ;of separateness helps bring ■itabout. •<; Many spouses want, but •can't seem to get, a little ;space for themselves, a little little space from their mates. Hbr them, being married is dike being roped and tied. Some can't get away for an Veiling on their own, let . *lone enjoy a separate vac- ' tition. - And if they do get away, their fun is likely to be spoiled by guilty feelings at leaving their partners jealous and uneasy. Separateness is, or should be, a natural part of marriage. Married couples need time apart to pursue-indi- vidual interests and to develop themselves individually. individually. They need fresh perspectives to keep their marriages alive and growing. growing. If, from the very beginning beginning of their marriages, couples deliberately planned planned and followed through with separate activities (sports, courses, clubs, jobs) their marriages would likely be stronger for it. This practice could take some of the pressures off couple and family togetherness. togetherness. It could relieve some of the pressure of having to be (or appearing to want to be) together all the time. The ideal of marital togetherness togetherness can virtually force an individual to repress repress his or her desire to be apart. The strong ambivalent ambivalent feelings that result can give rise to deep anxieties about the relationship without without one knowing where the anxieties are coming from. People in marriage counselling counselling often say, "I just don't love him (or her) anymore anymore and I don't know why." Too much being stuck together, together, too much "closeness," "closeness," means not enough space or time for oneself. This leads to weariness, boredom and maybe the end of love. Too much closeness may also increase fighting. For example, a couple who have a tendency to argue will likely make matters worse for themselves by being together together throughout the daytime, daytime, perhaps in a business relationship. Spending evenings and weekends together together as well can heighten the tension and make the fighting worse. The togetherness sounds noble and worthwhile. But it can stifle a marriage as surely as careless disregard or abuse can kill it. Spending Spending more time apart can help some couples slay together. together. Lloyd Scott is a Marriage and Family Counsellor in private practice in Oshnwa and the Orono Medical Center. Center. He welcomes letters' from renders. Please feel free to write in confidence to Handling It, c/o The Statesman, Statesman, Box 190, Bowmnnvillc, Ontario. L1C 3K9 IT'S OUR 10th ANNIVERSARY ! October 24th, 1977-1987 the wheel for up to I DISCOUN Kids of all ages will enjoy our clown with Free Balloons and Popcorn. Every 10th customer through the cash will receive a FREE GIFT , • ONLY $4.50 --^ Sha "d Carry^ ea - ♦ j Enter our FREE DRAW for a Sanyo Microwave Oven (No purchase necessary) Winner will be drawn at 6:00 p.m. on October 31st FREE hot dogs t 2 . 0 Qp.m. 11:00 on Saturday m\mmm DURHAM BUILDING VISA 9 SUPPLIES 164 Base Line Rd. E. 623-6341 Bowmanville Highway No. 2 oi w £ Ü Base Line Rd. W. 3 Durham Building □ Highway 401