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i The Canadian Statesman, Bowmanvillc, June 1,1988 Section Two Handling It... By Lloyd Scott Families and Problem Children (Part 3) Abuse of 7 year-old boy by his 12 year-old step sister has led our imaginary and simplified blended family to seek professional help. At first, the common-law parents parents were certain that the 12 year-old was simply a problem problem child in need of counselling. counselling. However, since all four agreed to come for therapy as a family, they've discovered discovered that the daughter's inappropriate inappropriate behavior is partly partly explained by the way the family lives together. Among the first steps that they can take toward helping helping thèmselves, is for each spouse to work toward a less angry separation from their respective partners. If they can learn to take even a little of the appropriate responsibility responsibility for the breakdown of their marriages and for their subsequent feelings, they can increase their self-respect and get considerable relief. Another benefit that follows follows from a more civilized end to previous marriages is that it lets the children of blended families off the hook. Until their parents and step-parents take some responsibility responsibility for the failures of their previous married relationships relationships into which the children were born, children of blended families remain bewildered and don't know where they stand. In our everyday language, language, we say that separated parents sometimes live out their anger at each other through their children. The common way of doing this is by criticizing each other in front of the children, sometimes sometimes accusing the children directly of being "just like" the other parent. Kids aren't to blame for their parents' marriages breaking down. Nevertheless, Nevertheless, many are unfortunately convinced that they're to blame. Parents can help lift that burden by openly acknowledging acknowledging their own accountability accountability for whatever happened between them. , Another useful step for this particular family to take is to encourage reconnections reconnections between the children and their non-custodial parents. parents. This may prove aiffi- cult, because of the children's as well as the parents' resistance. resistance. Little by little, however, however, visits between the 12 year-old girl and her mother need to be encouraged and supported by the girl's father. father. It would also help greatly if they could assume more of the parenting, rather than turning over those responsibilities responsibilities that are properly properly his to the step-mother, who shouldn't pretend to be mother. The father of the 7 year-old boy may have to give up some hockey weekends weekends in order to spend some time with his son. Part of that 'little by little" beginning lies in making an effort to improve the reputations reputations of the absent parents in Lei a former Police Officer be your voice in court. No Cost Consultation Low Cost Representation E436-7194#»' 249 KING ST. E. (Across from (he Oshawa Provincial Court/ the home where the children live. Easy to say but damn hard to do. It's possible occasionally occasionally to hold back those nasty things we want to say about our ex-never mind to say something nice about him or her-by reminding ourselves that we're doing it for our child. If we can perform perform this hard trick even once in a while, we'll be better better role models for it and earn the respect of our child by trying not to contaminate his or her relationship with their father or mother. Who knows, we might even get over, a little bit, some of our antagonism for our ex. Parents caught in this uncomfortable uncomfortable bind, with a "problem child," as in our imaginary imaginary family, are in a tough spot. Part of their own intense post-divorce pain comes from trying to juggle conflicting loyalties between previous ana current partners. partners. Their suffering makes it hard for them to see and acknowledge what their children children are going through. Children, who are too young to talk about their confusion over their parent's separation often express themselves through their chaotic behavior, which may become unpredictable, even destructive and dangerous. Older, more sophisticated, children learn to layer over their feelings with a veneer of calm control. Parents of blended families are faced with the hard task of learning learning to read these bewildering signs in their children. The imaginary blended family I've been speaking about illustrates how children children can be wrongly blamed for family distress. What that means in this family is that the 12 year-old is the one who's being singled out and, unfortunately, held responsible responsible for the entire family's family's pain. The more that pain increases, the more sne's seen as the cause of it, and the more she's seen as the problem and the problem child. A common story in family counselling is parents saying, saying, in effect, "Please fix this child without changing us." I don't think it works that way. Lloyd Scott is a Family Counsellor in private practice practice in Orono and Oshawa. He welcomes letters from readers. Please feel free to write in confidence to Lloyd Scott, c/o The, Statesman, Box 190, Bowmanville, Ontario. Ontario. L1C 3K9. Brazilian Team. To Perform at Quinte Air Show Brazilian Air Force Aerobatic Aerobatic Team. To Perform At CFB Trenton Canadian Armed Forces Day celebrations at CFB Trenton will present a two- day air show on the 25th and 26th of June, 1988. Organizers Organizers of the Quinte International International Air Show (QIAS) are pleased to announce the participation participation of the Brazilan Air Force aerobatic team, the "Esquadrilla da Fumaca" (Smoke Squadron) on both days of the air show. This will be their first performance performance at Trenton and their only Canadian appearance in 1988. The Smoke Squadron was originally formed in 1952 with North American T-6 Texans, an aircraft built and flown in Brazil during World War II. During the 1960's the team briefly disbanded disbanded in 1977. In 1982 the Squadron was reformed; this time equipped with six Brazilian-built Brazilian-built Embraer 312 Tu- canos. Today, the Smoke Squadron Squadron continues its proud tradition tradition with this colourful aircraft. aircraft. The Tucano is a highly manoeuverable, singleengine singleengine turboprop with a maximum level speed of 245 knots and a ceiling of 30,000 feet. It allows the team to demonstrate the high level of training, skill and airmanship airmanship developed within the Brazilian Air Force. Included in their formation and solo act will be the crossover with six aircraft, the barrel roll, the spectacular lomcovak and many other unique and exciting manoeuvers. All Squadron pilots are flying instructors with an average flying time of 3000 hours. ,r " v-v^ FOR ALL YOUR INSURANCE NEEDS * , \ wima ipx » Sr. HOME* AUTO • LIFE FROM ONTARIO PACKERS CUT FROM CANADA GRADE"A"BEEF ONTARIO JSmSS 335kg W WHITE fresh ": MUSHROOMS 1 7Q rsjjTuSirrf LB. A g U HU. YOUR HIGHLINER CAPTAIN'S CHICKEN FROZEN 300 g BOX BUSINESS FROM ONTARIO PACKERS I CHOICE CANADIAN I mifflil CANADA PACKERS FRESH OR PREVIOUSLY FROZEN BEEF UVER FRESHHIÆHsiasftKTÆI QUALITY PACKERS "TOWN CLUB" BRAND 2-3 LB. AVG. 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