I 10 The Canadian Statesman, Bowmanvillc, August 10, 1988 Handling It... Affairs V By Lloyd Scott Though many marriages have survived extramarital affairs and grown stronger afterward, the popular view remains that affairs necessarily necessarily mean the end of marriages. marriages. The process of marital adjustment adjustment following an affair can, however, lead to a new beginning for a marriage. Furthermore, perpetrators of affairs aren't to be under stood merely as bad guys or victims of affairs as innocent good guys. Affairs aren't that simple. An_ affair means that a very big decision has been made unilaterally by an individual individual in a bilateral context, the context of marriage. It's a betrayal and its consequences consequences will reverberate in the marriage even before the affair affair is revealed, or even if it's never revealed. , A wife or husband is likely likely to know intuitively, at least to suspect their partner's partner's affair without ever being being told. It's common for signals, signals, obvious or subtle, to be sent to mates of readiness or desire to have an affair, not to mention those signals sent of an affair in progress. Such signals may also be an expression of a desire to talk about troubles in the marriage. The husband or wife initiating the affair may be only dimly aware of his or her desire to talk things out in their marriage. Stumbling into an affair may prove to be their ony way of communicating communicating that desire. Affairs are often expressions of helplessness and confusion id an inability to say what's the secret's out. In other words, "I have a right to an affair but I'd never never be able to convince my wife (or husband) of that." The belief that an affair will have a beneficial affect on one's marriage naturally strengthens one s supposed right to indulge in one. For example, some men will claim that, after the news of their affair got out, their wives became sexual tigers.f The affair has indeed im-i proved their sex life and, as| far as they're concerned,the I marriage itself. } The whole truth is likely^ to be different. Upon learning learning of her husband's affair, the wife is probably frightened frightened that her husband may leave her for another woman. woman. Instead of experiencing anger, this particular wife is scared ana tries hard to please her husband. And in the true spirit of competition, what better way than by becoming, becoming, shall we say, more active sexually. In the sport term, the marriage may improve, or appear to. But the emotional distance is likely to increase, particularly if they continue to have difficulty openly discussing discussing the problems that gave rise to the affair in the first place. Another major obstacle couples must overcome in their attempt to reconcile after after an affair is the often rigid roles they find themselves m. One example is that of the victim who remains stuck in the role of the avenging angel angel whose self-appointed task is to punish the perpetrator. perpetrator. Such a person isn't dealing dealing properly with his or her anger, in an attempt to resolve resolve and be done with it. Instead, Instead, the anger (just like hurt often becomes) is a weapon of righteous indignation. indignation. In this way, the victim victim becomes the perpetrator. Parallel to that role is the PRODUCT OF CANADA tESH OR PREVIOUSLY FROZEN KEEP YOUR FOOD COSTS DOWN --™\ "<v. ïTk '. Vt <£y I kg "BACKS ATTACHED" PRODUCT OF CANADA FROZEN -- OPMLS- 6 ° 5^9 5 LB. LIMIT LB. SHOP BY THE BOX" ($2.00 PLASTIC BOX DEPOSIT) ARM & HAMMER / fjS/HEAW DUTY CONCENTRATED v% ,■<*.# 1ARGC10 L CARRY BOX i 3 limit COW BRAND 700 g BOX m ml 1--1.49 COW BRAND ■Iran 500 9 ■O* it an wrong, to one's spouse. It's rather like the thief who leaves behind him ample ample clues as an unconscious expression of his desire to be caught, so that he'll have to face himself. To some degree, affairs express dissatisfaction with the marriage, the way it's been over the years and/or the way it's going. Depending Depending on how deep it is and how long it's been around,that dissatisfaction is the potential beginning point for a discussion of reconciliation. reconciliation. And that discussion will have to travel through some tricky passageways before individual directions become clear--whether to rebuild the marriage or learn how to say gooaby. Here are a couple of examples examples of the many obstacles obstacles such a negotiating discussion discussion may encounter. Many spouses who initiate initiate it, believe they have a right to have an affair. As irrational irrational as that view is in most marriages (but not all), it's a difficult one to outgrow, for both men and women. Whatever it's based on, rarely rarely will a spouse openly declare declare that supposed right to his or her mate. That right (to an affair) is used more as a strong rationalization for it in their own minds, rather than a strong defence of it to the aggrieved partner after ACCIDENT OR TRAFFIC TICKET? CALL Lei a former Police Officer be your voice in court. No Cost Consultation Low Cost Representation C£436-7194SB 249 KING ST. E. (Across from the Oshawa Provincial Court) / perpetrator of the offense. Wracked with guilt, which is fueled by a punishing spouse, he or she is trapped in apologies that never quite absolve them of their wrongdoing. wrongdoing. Perpetrator has become become victim. Most couples who want to work post-affair reconcilitia- tion need help in breaking these rigid roles and in processing processing their emotions. Affairs Affairs certainly generate terrific terrific emotional fallout, including some previously hidden painful truths. Working Working hard with those truths, couples can get some rich and valuable payoffs. College Early Learning Centre Meets Needs in Area Durham College's Early Learning Centre is very popular. It has an extensive waiting list for the care of infants, infants, toddlers, and preschool preschool children. Parents among staff and students who have child care needs find the Early Learning Learning Centre a real boon. It provides quality care under excellent supervision. The Centre is especially helpful for single mothers, and where both parents are working. It helps women in the community with young children who wish to take academic upgrading, either full or part time. In addition to providing child care for staff members and students, Durham's Early Early Learning Centre provides an excellent Laboratory for the College's Early Childhood Childhood Education Program, now in its fourth year of operation. operation. There are growing opportunités for graduates as both government supported supported and private day care facilities facilities are increasing dramatically dramatically to meet the large demand. The College's Early Learning Centre is well equipped, with a large indoor indoor area and two excellent outdoor play facilities. The Centre operates as a non-profit corporation, with licensed capacity of 57 children, children, including 10 infants, 15 toddlers, and 32 preschoolers. preschoolers. The staff consists of one full-time supervisor and seven seven full-time program workers workers with Early Childhood Education Education training. PRODUCT OF ONTARIO FRESH NEVER FROZEN WHOLE OR HALF NO CENTRE CHOPS REMOVED FRENCH'S 500 mL JAR! MUST! LB. COCKTAIL OR CANADA FANCY TOMATO JUICE FLOZ. 1.36 L TIN ' . - MIX OR MATCH) |4 LIMIT STOKELYVAN CAMP'S BEANS 14 FL. OZ. 398 mLTIN MIX OR MATCH • BEANS& TOMATO SAUCE •BEANS WITH PORK • RED KIDNEY BEANS i ;hy - • ■ 6 LIMIT iéM FROM ONTARIO PACKERS CUT FROM CANADA GRADE"A"BEEF SHOULDER & BLADE STEAKS 73 kg reiKXMWNMG ONTARIO W WHITE FRESH 3.95 kg MUSHROOMS |79 5 LB. LIMIT LB. FROZEN FRENCH • ASSORTED CUTS • CANADA FANCY BAG CHEESE FOOD MAPLE LEAF SUCES PKG. OF 20'8 OR 24's 500 g ' FOR ALL YOUR INSURANCE NEEDS HOME • AUTO BUSINESS • LIFE JAMES INSURANCE BROKER LIMITED FROM ONTARIO PACKERS I CHOICE CANADIAN MM FRESH kg 3.73 NEVER FROZEN LB. QUALITY PACKERS "TOWN CLUB" BRAND SWEET PICKLED 2-3 LB. AVG. VAC PAC kg 3.73 LB. FROZEN MAPLE LEAF BRAND | GOLDEN FRY • PURE PORK OR ALL | BEEF (SEfo 500 g TRAY PAC ® MIX OR MATCH PRODUCT OF CANADA VAC PAC ROCK CORNISH HENS! FROZEN k,3.73 UTILITY GRADE 18-20 0Z. AVERAGE LB. ST1LLMEADOW FARM FROZEN 300 g BOX CfflCBN "BREAST ITNCERS" TREASURE TROVE FROZEN CHICKEN BREAST NUGGETS • VARIETY SHAPES BREADED, CHOPPED A SEASONED QUALITY PACKERS TOWN CLUB" BRAND 500 g (17.6 OZ. PAC) CENTRE SLICED •RINDLESS 3 PAC LIMIT MAPLE LEAF BRAND 450 g VAC PAC ALL BEEF • B.B.Q. OR REGULAR 3PKG. LIMIT MAPLE LEAF BRAND POLISH DEU C0UNTER k.328 sroan LB. QUALITY PACKERS "TOWN CLUB" BRAND 2-3 LB. AVG. VAC PAC BONELESS kg l39 LB. QUALITY PACKERS "TOWN CLUB" BRAND COOKED HIM AT DEU COUNTER k,l39 LB. DEMPSTER'S CANADIANA • STONE GROUND • COUNTRY WHITE • WHEAT & OAT WITH HONEY SLICED 675 g HEINZ BREAD *N BUTTER PICKLES 750 mL JAR McCAIN FROZEN MEPUDEUCKKIS LARGE 1 LB. 3 OZ. PKG. ASSORTED VARIETIES 900 g PKG. 2 POUNDER BRAND COOKIES FROZEN HY-WAVE DUNOENESS 1 Viz TO 2 LB. AVERAGE vunucNcao -- ^ ^ WHOLE CRIB 4.99 EA. West - Mississauga DIXIE VALUE MALL M Dixie fld. South ol Queen Elizabeth Way North --Markham WOODBINE NORTH At No. 7 Highway: Markham Central - Toronto 222 Lansdowne Avenue Corner Dundee 8t Weat North York Food Terminal 2549 Weston Ad. Just south of Hwy. 401 Downtown - Toronto 222 CHERRY STREET Just South ol the LHl Bridge East - Pickering HWY.2& BROCK RD. In Pickering OSHAWA/DURHAM FIRST AVE. Between Simcoe & Rltson Just ■ "Stone's Throw" North of 401 THURSDAY 8A.M.-10P.M. FRIDAY 8 A.M.-10P.M. SATURDAY 7A.M.-10P.M.1 PHICFS EFFLCriVi- UNTIL SATURDAY AUG 1 3 8(1
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