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The Independent, Canadian Statesman Weekender, Bowmanville, Saturday, September 4,1993 21 Handling It .. .by Lloyd Scott "I remember just being in a haze. Everybody was always mad at me all I wanted to do was get away from the house. I knew that my drinking was out of control biit I always had an excuse. excuse. Whenever my wife started to responsibilities in the family. In many alcohol-dominated families, the caretaker-spouse is the wife who becomes more and more a single parent. parent. It's her competence and overresponsibility overresponsibility that enables the alco- bitch at me, I knew that would be my holic to be increasingly peripheral, as ticket out of there." well as less and less accountable for "The thing I hated the most was his behavior, when my mother got all sentimental She balances the cheque book, and weepy. She would want to take coaches the soccer, perhaps even me in her lap and sing to me and tell brings in the money. She covers up me she was sorry and how much she for his otherwise unexplained absenc- loved me. Her breath stank of alcohol." alcohol." "I could always tell what kind of night it was going to be by how my father came in the door. I would listen listen for how he would put the key in the lock. If he fumbled around and didn't get the key in right away, I knew it was going to be a hard night. I would just make myself scarce. I could always tell." These are a few of the voices in the alcoholic family. Each feels trapped and out of control, hanging on for dear life. The frightening question of whether the family will be okay or blow up into a crisis is always in the air. Some families live in a perpetual state of turmoil and conflict. Others live in dread, feeling that something is definitely wrong, but never quite sure what. For example, the more the parent drinks, the more he or she becomes an outsider in the family. Eventually, he or she ends up as more of a problem problem that the family is managing, than a full member of the family. Also, the drinker feels increasingly isolated, causing even more withdrawal into alcohol. As this is taking place, the other parent usually takes over the primary Scouts...our goals are as limitless as space ».»*. Ifcfc- SCOUTS CANADA es from work. She sacrifices her own needs and, in the end, even her sense of self, her own identity. When the drinker is the wife, it's . common for the man to abandon her and the family. Thus, many female alcoholics are single women struggling struggling to bring up children, while also being unable to control their drinking. drinking. The men who end up staying with female drinkers more often than not have a significant chemical or emotional dependency of their own. To grow up in an alcoholic family is to be shaped by an environment in which the people on whom the children children are most dependent behave in very inconsistent and unpredictable ways. For example, how does a four- year-old understand the confusing message of being dressing in best clothes in order to spend Saturday mornings in a bar with Daddy and his friends? For example, how does a six-year- old understand when Mom forgets to come to the school play, accusing him of never having told her about it in the first place? How does that child handle being punished for lying when he reminds her that she promised promised to come? For example, how does a child integrate integrate the experience of watching his parents have a fist fight only to be told the following morning that nothing nothing happened and that all parents have' disagreements from time to time? Clearly, such experiences instill in children a lifetime difficulty in trusting trusting people, or even being able to trust their own experience of reality. "Did I tell Mom about the school play? I thought I did. Maybe I didn't." When children of alcoholic parents parents grow up, their early survival strategies can become major stumbling stumbling blocks in their adult relationships. relationships. They develop peculiar rituals and habitual responses that allow Northumberland Travel presents Spectacular Fall Foliage Garden Tour ÆgjLs, October 1 - 4,1993 Æk, HIGHLIGHTS London, Ont. Gardens Agawa Canyon Train Frankenmuth, Mich. Sault Locks Boat Cruise Saginaw Antique Warehouse Sudbury - Science North Dow Gardens, Midland See Muskoka and Haliburton at its Best Cost $399 Double Includes Deluxe Coach, 3 nights accom. most meals, tours, train and Insur. Pick-up at The Flying Dutchman 74 Walton St., Port Hope 1-800-465-4810 885-7999 Lie. #2277861 ********************** MWWMmyi I sit 1 '. lownra '.'."ssss^svisv'y-f^ylv.'i'v them some measure of personal control control in the face of what they experience experience as a chaotic maelstrom. Is it any wonder that a girl, who beginning at age seven was often pinned to the wall by her alcoholic father and berated by him about where she had hidden his bottle, might grow up choosing to remain single, feeling too fragile, insecure and frightened to risk any long-term relationship with a man? Would it seem so strange if this woman decided decided to own two cars, just in case one might break down? Children survive growing up in alcoholic alcoholic families by learning to district district others, by becoming self- sufficient, by isolating themselves from others, and by blocking out their feelings. They survive by becoming rigidly attached to roles that give them a sense of their place and identity within within their families. Next week: the roles of The Hero, The Scapegoat and The Lost Child in alcoholic families. Among my reading about alcoholic alcoholic families is Dr. David Treadway's excellent book, Before It's Too Late: Working with Substance Abuse in the Family, from which part of this column is derived. - Lloyd Scott is a marriage and family family counsellor in private practice in Oshawa and in the Orono Medical Centre. He welcomes letters from readers. Write him in confidence at this newspaper, The Canadian Statesman, Statesman, P.O. Box 190, Bowmanville, Ontario L1C 3K9. WEST DURHAM cïm DISTRICT BOY SCOUTS OF CANADA West Durham District PLEASE CHECK THE FOLLOWING FOR A LISTING OF THE LOCATION; DATE AND TIME FOR REGISTRATION INTO THE VARIOUS 1993-94 SCOUTING PROGRAMS. B-BEAVERS C-CUBS Age-5-7 8-10 4th Bowmanville Vincent Massey School Bernice Norton - 623-9982 B,C, - Sept. 8th 7-8:00 p.m. 7th Bowmanville Trinity United Church Dave Stainton - 697-2686 B,C,S, V - Sept. 8th 7-8 p.m. 10th Bowmanville Lord Elgin Public School Ester Bellerose - 623-9570 B,C - for information please call 1st Hampton Hampton United Church Joan Ritzie - 263-4460 B,C,S - Sept. 13th 7:00 p.m. 1st Enniskillen Haydon Community Centre Leslie Listro - 263-4077 B,C,S - Sept. 9th 7:00 p.m. 1st Orono Orono United Church Maryanne May - 983-9845 for information please call 1st Pontypool Pontypool Community Centre Jim Merry - 705-277-2530 for information call S-SCOUTS V-VENTURERS 11-14 15-17 5th Bowmanville Salvation Army - Bowmanville R-ROVERS 18-26 Tom Dixon -623-9188 B,C,S - Sept. 8th 6:30-8 p.m. 9th Bowmanville St. Stephens Catholic School Jennifer Aaron - 697-2738 B,C - Sept. 9th 7:00 p.m. 11th Bowmanville Church of Latter Day Saints Domenic Boulter - 623-6722 for information please call 1st Hillcrest Height's Zion United Church (Mitchell's Corners) Donna Jeffries B,C - Sept. 13th 7-8:00 p.m. 1st Maple Grove Maple Grove United Church Stevé Goodmurphy - 623-5579 B - for information call 1st Bethany Bethany United Church Edward Harding - 705-277-2809 for information please call 1st Newcastle St. Francis of Assisi School David Woelfle - 987-3876 B,C,S - Sept. 15th, 6:30-8 p.m. Information about Rovers may be directed to Roger Leetooze - 623-9147 For other questions please call either: District Commissioner - Pat Goode - 623-3868 District President - Dan Jones - 433-2998 **********************