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The Independent, Canadian Statesman Weekender, Bowmanville, Saturday, October 2,1993 15 I | I i lH C^i n d l I n CJ 11 ■ ■ ■ by Lloyd Scott Step-parenting is a daunting responsibility. responsibility. Those who adapt to its demands deserve a lot of respect. Several years after my first marriage marriage ended, my ex married again. They and my four children formed a successfully blended family until the step-father's untimely death 10 years later. Often, when I reflect on stepparents stepparents and their special and difficult place in families, I think of this fine man who became my friend and who was an unusually successful stepfather. stepfather. The good friendship between him and my kids endured even the ups and downs of their teenage years, a volatile period for kids and parents, step or otherwise. Reports from my children during those years consistently consistently confirmed what I observed dur- jing my many visits to them. His sincere interest in their lives didn't include advising them how to live. He didn't try to be their father or to replace their father, a fear common among divorced fathers who don't live with their children. He was a peer to them, a genuinely genuinely good friend. When called upon, he could also be a trusted adult source of information and suggestion. Warm and friendly, he still managed to keep his distance. Amazingly, he and my ex-wife didn't argue about how to raise the kids. He left it to us, the parents, to sort out our own differences of opinion. opinion. I've never been a step-father, live- in or otherwise, but I've known a great many step-parents and assisted them in their particular struggles. The following has been distilled from those experiences and is also adapted from a useful little book, Funny Sauce: Us, the Ex, thé Ex's New Mate, the New Mate's Ex, and the Kids, by Delia Ephron. These are merely viewpoints, not a handbook. Right or wrong, step-parents are often blamed by children (frequently only in thèir minds) for their parents' divorce. Even though the step-parent may not be the reason for the breakup at all, he or she may be perceived as the evidence of it. Furthermore, children of divorce will likely see the resident stepparent stepparent as the major hindrance to their parents' reconciliation, a strong desire desire of most such children. A step-parent is likely to be the one adult in the family that the children children can most easily risk being angry with. Or, that they can afford to have angry at them. For kids of divorced parents, life is a lot less secure. They can't take certain chances with their parents. So, when they feel mistreated, mistreated, it's easier to think of step-mother or step-father as the one to blame. Most step-parents have to struggle hard to be accepted as authentic family family members by their step-kids. Naturally, Naturally, most of them want to be appreciated, appreciated, loved, "adopted." This is particularly particularly true if they've had no chil- Nutritious Breakfasts Help Children Learn Breakfast has long been recognized recognized by both nutrition and education experts as the most important meal of the day. In school as well as the workplace, an alert mind within a properly nourished body leads to a ï longer attention spart, faster assimilation assimilation of new facts and concepts and enhanced retention and retrieval of information. However, despite these acknowledged benefits, breakfast is still the most rushed and neglected mealtime of the day. "The television image of working parents gulping down coffee while their school-age children snatch mysterious mysterious pre-packaged foods from the refrigerator as they all rush to catch buses and rides is far more prevalent in real life than many realize," says Marie Ludwick, Weight Watchers president for Southern Ontario, Quebec Quebec and Atlantic Canada. "In short term, this means that the entire family family starts the day with one strike against it. In the longer term, this sort of smash-and-grab eating can easily lead to bad eating habits that last a lifetime. "Teachers have told me they could tell which of their students skipped breakfast just by observing how the students sat at their desks. This was especially true just before lunch when the students' energy levels levels would be at its lowest level and they were obviously having trouble concentrating. At lunch, those students students who had a good breakfast tended tended to be the ones who ate a more balanced balanced and nourishing mid-day meal. , Students who either skipped or scrimped on breakfast were often those who would order chips and gravy, gravy, a can of pop and a packaged cake for lunch." Weight Watchers suggests that a balanced, nourishing breakfast should be a family priority. If time is a problem, plan breakfast the evening before and shop for foods that can be quickly prepared or, better yet, need no preparation at all. "With the kids going back to school, September is the perfect time to introduce a good breakfast into your family's morning schedule," suggests Ludwick. "It is important, however, that parents set a good example example by sitting down and having a nourishing breakfast themselves. Who knows, having the whole family together at the start of the day could become another reason why breakfast is so important." Here arc a selection of nourishing breakfast menus all taken from the Weight Watchers Innovation '93 Meal Plan* . Apricots and Cheese in a Pita Fill a 1-ounce pita with 1/3 cup low-fat cottage cheese and 6 dried apricot halves. Serve with 1 cup skim milk. Cinnamon French Toast Soak 2 slices of reduced-calorie bread in a mixture of 1/4 cup egg substitute, 1/4 cup skim milk and cinnamon. cinnamon. Cook in 1 teaspoon of reduced-calorie reduced-calorie margarine and serve with 3/4 cup skim milk. Crunch Strawberry Yogurt Combine 3/4 cup plain nonfat yogurt yogurt with 1 cup strawberries and 3/4 ounce cold cereal. Serve with 2 slices of reduced-calorie toast and 1 teaspoon teaspoon reduced-calorie margarine. Breakfast Shake Combine in a blender 1 cup nonfat yogurt with 3/4 cup blueberries and ice cubes. Serve with 2-ounce toasted bagel and 1 teaspoon reduced-calorie margarine. Port Perry Farm Has Champion Holstein Cow . Roger and Murray Holtby of Holtbyholme Holsteins, Port Perry, exhibited the Grand Champion Cow at the recently held Ontario County Holstein Show. This senior 2-year- old, Ronbeth Star Missy, is not a newcomer to the showring. Her extensive extensive winnings include Junior Champion at last year's show, as well as being named All Canadian in 1991 and 1992. Missy is sired by Hanover- hill Starbuck. The Reserve Champion was the 1st prize senior 3 year old, Dapple- dale Eclipse Chloe. She was exhibited exhibited by Phoenix Bros, of Greenbank. The Junior Champion, Eiklyn Counselor Barbi Ann was exhibited by John Buckley and Gary Jebson of Sunderland, and was the winner of the senior yearling class. The 1st prize winter yearling, Dappledale ACC Corrine, bred and owned by Phoenix Bros., was Reserve Reserve Junior Champion. T. Robert Rett, Oshawa, was the winner of the Futurity Class with Flcttdale Inspiration Belle. Phoenix Bros, were awarded the Premier Exhibitor Award and the Worry family of Loa-Dc-Mcdc Farms Ltd., Oshawa, wore Premier Breeders. dren of their own, in which case many will try too hard to fit in by taking taking on all sorts of jobs - cooking, chauffeuring, homework duties, sometimes becoming the family's resident counsellor. Sincere though their efforts may be, they risk taking over the family, virtually smothering it. Most step-parents want their new partner's children to see them as their parents, in every way. In some blended blended families, where each adult is both parent and step-parent, competitive parenting is almost inevitable. They may become competitors even for the love and loyalty of each other's children, children, in their need to have them as allies. allies. It's easy to see how step-parents themselves can feel used by the kids for their own ends. Step-parents sometimes imagine that, with their outsiders' perspective, they see things more clearly than other other family members. Some may even consider this "seeing things more clearly" as their most indispensable function. For example, a step-parent can quickly see "more clearly" the natural natural parent's inconsistencies in dealing with the children. "Why do you let the kids get away with things," is the way the line usually goes. With the benefit of their outsiders' perspective, perspective, step-parents may be too. eager to point out that the "other" parents should set limits for their kids and absolutely absolutely stick to them. They, especially especially the childless ones, believe that they themselves would never allow children to break agreements or rules made with parents, something that even the most rigid parents do from time to time, despite themselves. Since they're not the parents of the children, step-parents are relatively relatively safe from ever finding out just how wrong they are in this matter of "seeing "seeing things more clearly." No one but a step-parent believes that a stepparent stepparent is unbiased. Lloyd Scott is a marriage and family counsellor in private practice in Oshawa and in the Orono Medical Centre. He welcomes letters from readers. Write him in confidence at this newspaper, The Canadian Statesman, Statesman, P.O. Box 190, Bowmanville, Ontario. L1C 3K9. ACCOUNTANCY WILLIAM C. HALL B. Comm, Chartered Accountant 35 King St. W., Newcastle Telephone 987-4240. HOBB BAKKER BERGIN Chartered Accountants Peter A. Hobb, C.A. Wilmar J. Bakker, C.A. Ian F. Bergin, C.A. 118 King St. E., Bowmanville 623-9461 STEPHEN J. SUTHERLAND! Chartered Accountant 13 John Street West, Oshawa, Ontario L1H 1W8 Business (416)721-8600 Fax (416) 721-8604 N. L. WOODHOUSE & Assoc. 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