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16 The Independent, Canadian Statesman Weekender, Bowmanville, Saturday, January 15,1994 Handling It ...by Lloyd Scott The author of the letters appearing recently in my column spoke of the violent childhood abuse inflicted on her at the hands of her father. She also wrote of neglect by her mother. It's old news by now, yet many people still don't get the message: mistreatment of children takes many forms, neglect being by far the most common. Consider what "Jean" said in her letter to her mother, appearing in last week's column: "All I ever wanted from you was your love and your protection from Dad." In my view, mother's consistent failure to protect her daughter from the violent father who beat and assaulted his children routinely, approaches criminal behavior.. behavior.. It's high time that we see neglect of young children, however benign it may seem, for what it is. It's usually more on-going than intermittent. Its long-term damaging effect may be more detrimental than that of physical physical abuse (not sexual abuse-that's another another matter). It's commonplace in many families and isn't generally recognized recognized as serious. Finally, neglect itself itself takes many forms.. • Consider what "Jean" remembers her mother doing much of the time when the two were in the house together together during "Jean's" childhood. "You would not acknowledge me, not recognize my existence, never reaching out to touch me because you were too busy cooking and cleaning." I have a similar, strong memory of my own mother. It seemed to me that she too was always cooking and cleaning, seldom looking at me, rarely rarely touching or holding me." She too loved me "from a distance," as "Jean describes her mother. Unfortunately for me, my mother also strongly believed, believed, that "cleanliness was next to godliness." Many people I've come to know explain to me that they're sure their parents loved them but that they nev- er felt loved. It takes time and reflections reflections for most of us to realize that in most lives love is best measured by the recipient. Love is loving behavior, not merely merely an idea, a thought or a pleasingsounding pleasingsounding speech, "I love you." Everyone knows that pressures of work which limit time and energy plus the frustrations of daily living make it hard for parents to be loving toward their children at all times. Rather, I'm referring to upside-down Health Council Conducts Study of Local Hospitals The Durham Region Acute Care Study, sponsored by the Durham Region Region District Health Council (DHC), is examining hospital-based services in the region. The object of the study is to determine the best organization and mix of services that meets the needs of Durham residents into the future, and that is consistent with the most effective and efficient use of health care resources. The first phase of the study has looked at the current health care needs of people in Durham, and projected projected how the needs of people may change over the next 10 years. The next phase of the Study will involve the development of a system of hospital-based services which best meets the projected needs of Durham residents. This system should ensure that the highest quality health care is available and accessible to all residents, residents, where and when they need it. This means that service will be equitable equitable for all and it should be as close to home as possible. The system should provide services which will also be efficiently organized and delivered delivered so that we make the best pos- School Bd. Holds Forum in Courtice Saturday, Jan. 15 The Northumberland and Newcastle Newcastle Board of Education will hold its first community fomm in Courtice this Saturday, Jan. 15 from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. at Courtice Secondary School. The forum is part of the board's Outreach Project - A Dialogue on Education. Education. Forums will be held in different different parts of the board's jurisdiction. About 25 people will be participating participating in the forum which will focus on funding, certain aspects of curriculum and on violence in schools and discipline. discipline. Participants include parents and members of the community and were selected to represent a cross- section of the community. The participants, participants, through a survey, developed the topics for discussion on Saturday. Superintendent of Business Ron Sudds, Superintendent of Program Trudy Lum, Superintendent of Schools Chuck Kennedy and trustees will be attending as resource people. The intent of the forums is to hear concerns about public education and on concerns identified by the participants. participants. Participants will be asked to develop develop recommendations for schools, the board and for the'Ministry of Education Education and. Training, iv', . ,1 :... sible use of our public dollars. The Study is currently in the first phase-information is being collected to identify health care needs of Durham Durham residents. Based on preliminary data, it is évident that there is a continued continued role for each of the six hospitals hospitals in the Durham region. A discussion discussion paper will be prepared describing a preferred model for Durham's Durham's hospital system. In February and March 1994, meetings will be held within communities communities across the region to get the advice advice of residents and their responses to the model, before final recommendations recommendations are forwarded to the Minister ofHealth. If you would like more information, information, please contact Lynda Hessey, Executive Director of the Durham Region District Health Council, at (905) 433-4262. priorities where work (domestic and otherwise) often result in daily, ongoing ongoing emotional neglect of children. To many parents, a clean house and/ or a successful career are mistakenly - considered more important than bonding with their children. As Amitai Etzioni remarks in his recent study, The Spirit of Community: Community: Rights, Responsibilities and the Communitarian Agenda, having a child isn't a sexual act. "Making a child is a moral act. It obligates the parents to the child. It also obligates the parents to the community. All of us suffer the ill effects of absentee parenting." In her letter, "Jean" pleads with her mother, the one in her thoughts, referring to the assault, suffered at the hands of her father, "Surely you would have seen the bruises and the fears we children projected. You must have seen the un-happiness in our eyes. Surely you must have heard us screaming or saw us crawl away to hide and cry." But "Jean's" mother apparently didn't see or hear. Or did she just pretend pretend not to see or hear? Was her neglect, neglect, even her betrayal of her frightened, frightened, lonely yoirng daughter more deliberate than inadvertent? In my experience, When "the man of the house" is a violent brute such as "Jean's" father apparently was, everyone everyone in the family is likely to be afraid of him, including his wife. Perhaps "Jean's" mother had to obey her husband's demands for an immaculate house. Perhaps she couldn't allow herself to show concern concern for abused kids because that would certainly put her in conflict with her husband, a man who resolved resolved conflicts with children violently. violently. Perhaps he would resolve conflicts conflicts with his wife the same way. Perhaps it was her own fear of her husband that prevented her from shielding her kids from his violent assaults. Most parental neglect of children doesn't have any such excuse. Lloyd Scott is a marriage and family counsellor in private practice in Os haw a and in the Orono Medical Centre. He welcomes. letters from readers. Write him in confidence at this newspaper. The Canadian Statesman, Statesman, P.O. Box 190, Bowmanville, Ontario L1C 3K9. Around the Town BUSINESS AND PROFESSIONAL WOMEN WELCOME GUESTS ~ The Bowmanville Business and Professional Women's Club welcomes guests to attend the club's next meeting on Thursday, January 20th. Carol Lohnes Sharpe will be the guest speaker. She is the club's provincial representative for the National Action Committee for the Status of Women. Anyone interested in attending is asked to call Helen Devitt at 623-3915 by Monday, January 17. MAYOR'S LUNCHEON JANUARY 18 - The President and Board of Directors of the Oshawa and District Chamber of Commerce are inviting local local business persons to attend the 2nd Annual Mayor's Luncheon. It will be held Tuesday, January 18, at the Bowmanville Recreation Complex. This is your opportunity to meet Mayor Diane Hamre and join with her in a review of the challenges and opportunities facing the community of Clarington. The luncheon begins at noon. For reservations, call the Chamber of Commerce Commerce at 728-1683. BOWMANVILLE ROTARY CLUB PRESENTS DINNER AND ENTERTAINMENT -- On Friday, February 11, you can dine with your favourite favourite Valentine and be entertained by the Northumberland Buskers. The Buskers will entertain you with song, dance and laughter. Their repertoire includes an international mixture of song and dance. Tickets are available from any Rotarian. Or, you can order a ticket by calling 987-5687 or 623- 7305. The social hour is at six p.m., followed by dinner at 7 and entertainment entertainment at 9. Hie entertainment takes place at the Flying Dutchman Hotel. All proceeds will fund the Rotary Club's community service projects and special special children. FREE SKATING -- The Bowmanville Optimists will be offering free skating skating for children at the Bowmanville Recreation Complex every Tuesday afternoon. afternoon. Skating takes place from 4 p.m. to 4:50 p.m. on the following dates: January 18 and 25 and February 1,8,15, and 22. Plan to attend. Parents Parents are welcome also. FINANCIAL INFORMATION SESSIONS AT LIBRARY - The Clarington Clarington Public Library wants to help you make the most of your money with a series of three programs. They will help you look at RRSPs, investing in a home and the wise purchase of a new vehicle. The First presentation of the series takes place Friday, January 28, when Lynn Pilkingon of The Investors Investors Group discusses RRSPs. On February 3, the topic will be home purchasing and on February 10, the topic is purchasing a new or used vehicle. All three programs take place at 7 p.m. at the Bowmanville branch of the Clarington Public Library. To register, call 623-7322. PENNIES HELP ALZHEIMER SOCIETY -- Once again this year, the Alzheimer Society will be teaming up with employees of the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce in the Durham Region to receive public donations of pennies. The month-long campaign coincides with Alzheimer 1 ■ Awareness Month. Each Durham Region branch of the Bank of Commerce will have containers set aside to receive pennies during regular banking hours. All proceeds will go to support community services for families caring for persons with Alzheimer Disease. Later in the month -- On Thursday, January 27 -- there will be a lecture at Hillsdale Manor Auditorium on the topic of guidelines for Alzheimer care planning. The lecture is at 1:30 p.m. on January 27. Admission is free, but reservations are required. Call 576-2567 if you wish to attend. TRYING TO STOP SMOKING? - The Seventh-Day Adventist Church in Bowmanville is offering its Breathe-Free plan to stop smoking this month. The smoking cessation program runs for eight nights, beginning January 18, at 7 p.m. in the church on Lamb's Rd. and Hwy. Two. For further information or to pre-register, call 623-7031,725-2269 or 623-7886. Every Smart Business Owner Knows That the Key to Greater Profits is to... 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