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The Independent, Canadian Statesman Weekender, Bowmanville, Saturday, March 26,-1994 19 Handling It... By Lloyd Scott Katharine Hepburn, in her recently recently published autobiography, remarks about her family, "There were NO RULES," adding with childlike innocence innocence that her parents were "perfect." "perfect." Every family, every relationship, has rules. They're expectations as to how individuals should conduct themselves in any and all circumstances. circumstances. Rules draw the lines between what is allowed and not allowed and what the consequences will be when rules are obeyed or disobeyed. Two kinds of rules operate in families families - spoken and unspoken. Spoken rules are easier to deal with because, though they may be broken many times, everyone acknowledges them. In some families, they can be discussed, discussed, debated, even changed. Rule- bound families, however, are those in which such common spoken rules as, "Don't talk with your mouth full," "Do your homework before dinner," "Say please," "Don't interrupt," are strictly enforced without discussion. In sharp contrast, unspoken rules are, in the great majority of families, never openly acknowledged or discussed. discussed. Furthermore, if unspoken rules are actually spoken of, it's very likely that they'll be denied, especially especially by those who are their strongest believers and, hence, enforcers. Despite Despite the silence usually surrounding unspoken rules, most children leam to obey them, though they may never understand them. Unspoken rules in some families are the silent, sometimes powerful doctrine of emotions, dictating what feelings individuals are allowed to express. For example, in some families, expressing expressing angry feelings isn't allowed but it's acceptable to be and to talk about being depressed. No one in my own family, for instance, Would have thought to state it this way but the rule was: when things don't go your way, you must keep your anger inside, inside, though you're permitted to feel and look depressed. Conversely, the rule in some families families is that whenever things don't go your way, or differences of opinion arise, it's expected that you will show anger. In these families, conflict is the acceptable way to relate, perhaps particularly for the men. The rule might sound something like this: arguments arguments are better than being cool because fighting it out shows that people care. In most families, the opposite rule applies to women who are supposed to be demure'and not show anger. Sad feelings aren't allowed in some families where the rule is: always always appear happy, keep a stiff upper lip. This particular unspoken rule is being enforced when a crying, upset family member (child or adult) is told by another, "Look on the bright side," or "Don't be a baby." In other families, fear isn't allowed. allowed. Or, rather, fear isn't allowed to be shown, except perhaps for women. The rule is: when males in this family feel scared, they're supposed supposed to deny the fear, even to themselves; themselves; and, probably, act angrily instead. instead. Another example is when conflicts conflicts arise between spouses because each brings different mles from their families-of-origin, where parental rules may also have been in conflict. Husband may have learned from his dad, for example, that "logic" and rationality rationality were all-important. He may not have learned from his mother that male "logic' is a common male ploy to intimidate "emotional" women. Wife may have learned, probably from her mother, that feelings arc important important and should be expressed and shared, If her parents had similar conflicts, conflicts, let's speculate that she may have learned from observing her father father that men tend to hide behind the pretense of calm logic, especially when talking to women who let their feelings show. This couple may be in for some rough times. • Obviously, unspoken rules, like spoken ones, arc dangerous only to the extent that they're being used to manipulate and oppress family mem bers, and to deny them the right to unspoken rules in her family-or- express the wide range of feelings origin was that the women deferred that everyone is capable of experienc- to Daddy in subtle and not so subtle ing : Such rules are the means by ways, because he may have been which family dictators control the very much in charge, rest of the family. The more control- I've been fascinated by family ling the rules are, the less likely rules for years. Ron Richardson, in they'll ever be discussed, unless a his valuable little book, Family Ties family .crisis arises which brings That Bind, shows an equal fascina- them into the open. tion. I'd like to acknowledge adapt- Katharine Hepburn says of her 27- ing material for this column from his year love affair with Spencer Tracey, book. . "I like to.wait on him - listen to him - feed him -talk with him - work for Lloyd Scott is a marriage and him. I struggled to change all the family counsellor in private practice qualities which I felt he didn't like." m Oshawa and in the Orono Medical Belying Hepburn's famous inde- Centre. He welcomes letters from pendent spirit, this description sug- readers. Write him in confidence at gests instead a woman who was very this newspaper, The Canadian States- compliant - to her man. It also sug- man , P.O. Box 190, Bowmanville, gests, (just suggests) that one of the Ontario L1C 3K9. Life Saving Society Issues a The Royal Life Saving Society Canada (RLSSC) is urging parents and teachers to keep children away from rivers and streams during the spring thaw. The Society is also warning the province's snowmobile and ice fishing fishing enthusiasts to exercise extreme caution over the next few weeks as Ontario's lakes, rivers, streams and creeks continue to melt and swell after after months of cold weather and heavy snowfalls. Dozens of Ontario residents die this time of the year by falling into fast moving rivers or through thin ice. Rescue is often impossible be cause victims are swept away so quickly by the cold currents, said RLSSC public education director Ed Bean. In 1991, the latest year for which complete statistics are available, 23 people died in water-related accidents accidents during the months of March and April in Ontario. "This is an extremely dangerous time of the year to be near open bodies bodies of water," Bean said. "Children are especially vulnerable because they're attracted to water. Don't leave them unattended even for a moment moment if you happen to be near water." water." ■ Clarington Computer Clearance Centre Please join us on Saturday, March 26 at 10 a.m. for our Official Ribbon Cutting Ceremony by Mayor Diane Hamre. 256 DEXXA Greyscale Scanner SUPER VGA MONITOR Special Price 1 Ask about our Computer Seminars!! Sales and Service of Quality Used Computers Systems start as low as $250.00 Business Hours: 10 a.m. - 6 p.m. Mon. - Thurs.; 10 a.m. - 8 p.m. Fri,; 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Sat. 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