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8 The Claringion Independent, Bowmanville, Saturday, July 9,1994 Though many marriages have survived survived extramarital affairs and grown stronger afterward, the popular view remains that affairs necessarily mean the end of marriages. The process of recovery from an affair can, however, lead to frank discussion discussion of what may have been wrong in the marriage for both partners, partners, perhaps for a long time. Such long-awaited discussion may be just what the marriage needed to get off to a fresh start. An affair means that an individual has made a unilateral decision in the bilateral context of marriage. The consequences of the betrayal will reverberate reverberate in the marriage even before the affair is revealed, or even if it's never revealed. A wife or husband is likely to know intuitively, at least to suspect their partner's affair without ever being being told. It's common for signals, obvious obvious or subtle, to be communicated to mates about one's readiness or desire desire to have an affair. Not to mention these signals sent about an affair in progress. Such signals may also be an expression expression of a desire to talk about troubles troubles in the marriage. The one initiating initiating the affair may, however, be only dimly aware of his or her need to talk things out. Stumbling into an affair may prove to be their only way of conveying that need. Many affairs are expressions of helplessness and confusion~and an inability to say what's wrong directly to one's spouse. Perhaps affairs resemble the dilemma dilemma of the thief who leaves behind him ample clues. He, too, may be unaware of his unconscious desire to be caught, so that he'll have to face himself. To some degree, affairs express dissatisfaction with one's marriage, the way it's been over the years and/ or the way it's going. Those dissatisfactions, dissatisfactions, once revealed, can become a potential beginning point for a discussion discussion of reconciliation-or separation. separation. That discussion will have to travel through some tricky passage-ways before individual/personal directions become clear: whether to rebuild the marriage or leam how to say goodbye. goodbye. Many spouses who initiate an affair affair believe they have a right. As irrational irrational as that view may be most marriages (but probably not all), it's a difficult one to outgrow, for both men and women. That perceived right to have an affair is a common, strong rationalization in the mind of the person having it. That "right" isn't likely to be used as a strong defence defence of the affair to the aggrieved partner, once the secret's out. In other words, "I have a right to an affair but I'd never be able to convince convince my wife (or husband) of that." The belief that an affair will improve improve one's marriage naturally strengthens one's assumed right to indulge indulge in one. For example, some men will claim that, after the news of their affair got out, their wives became became sexual tigers. For those men, the affair has improved their sex lives and, as far as they're concerned, the marriage itself. Upon hearing of her husband's affair, affair, however, the wife may be frightened frightened that her husband will leave her for another woman. Instead of feeling feeling angry, she's scared and tries hard to please her husband. And in the true spirit of competition, what better way to please him than becoming more sexually active? In the short term, the marriage may improvc--or may only appear to. But. the emotional distance is likely to increase, particularly if they continue continue to have difficulty openly discussing discussing the problems that gave rise to the affair in the first place. A major obstacle that couples encounter encounter as they try to reconcile after an affair is the often rigid roles they find themselves in. For example, perpetrators of affairs shouldn't be understood merely as bad guys, or victims of affairs as merely innocent good guys. Affairs aren't that simple. Many victims of affairs remain stuck in the role of avenging angel, whose self-appointed task is to pun Handling It... By Lloyd Scott ish the perpetrator-for life. Such a person isn't dealing with-taking responsibility responsibility for-his or her anger, in an attempt to resolve it and be done with it. If such a couple stays together, together, the perpetrator will likely be held hostage indefinitely by the victim's anger. The anger is then a weapon of righteous indignation. In this way, the victim--refusing to forgive-- becomes the perpetrator. Parallel to that role is that of the perpetrator of the offence. Wracked with guilt, which is fueled by a punishing punishing spouse, he or she is trapped in apologies that never quite absolve them of their wrong-doing. Perpetrator Perpetrator has become victim. Most couples who want to work toward post-affair reconciliation need help in breaking these rigid roles in processing their emotions. Affairs can certainly generate terrific emotional emotional fallout, including some previously previously hidden painful truths. Working hard with these painful truths, however, however, couples can get rich and valuable valuable payoffs. Lloyd Scott is a marriage and family family counsellor in private practice in Oshawa and in the Orono Medical Centre. He welcomes letters from readers. Write him in confidence at this newspaper, The Canadian Statesman, Statesman, P.O. Box 190, Bowmanville, Ont. L1C 3K9. Public Invited to Enjoy Licence-Free Fishing Bowmanville Valley Conservation Area The Central Lake Ontario Conservation Conservation Authority invites the public to Bowmanville Valley Conservation Area on Sunday, July 10, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. for a fun day of license-free license-free fishing. Admission to the grounds is also FREE. This event is part of Ontario Family Fishing Weekend, Weekend, July 8, 9 and 10, where participants participants will not be required to have an Ontario fishing license. ' This is a day for the new and experienced experienced angler. Members of the Bowmanville Creek Angling Association Association will be on hand to show the public tips and tricks that will catch the big fish. If you have ever wanted to leam more about fishing this is the place to be. Refreshments will be available. For more information contact the following agencies: Urban Angling Day - Bowmanville Creek Angling Association Mr. Dave Lawson (905) 623-6447 Ontario Family Fishing Weekend A.C.A.O., (705) 749-9131 M.N.R., (705)740-1529 For further information contact the Central Lake Ontario Conservation Conservation Authority (905) 579-0411. Directions: From Hwy. 401 take Waverley Road / Regional Road 57 exit. Go north on Waverley Road then east Hwy. 2 to Roenigk Drive and south to the first entrance on the east side of the road. Candidate Official Agent Number Total of Contributions Contributors Total Election Expenses Deduct: Personal Expenses of Candidate Total Election Expenses Subject to the Limit* Audited by Durk T. Bruinsma C.H.P. Joy I. Boyd 39 $ 7,505.87 $ 6,044.32 $206.51 $ 5,837.81 Hobb Bakker Bergin Chartered Accountants Judy Hurvid G.IU Richard Hurvid 12 $ 525.00 ' $ 333.40 $253.40 $ 80.00 Deloitte & Touche Chartered Accountants Micheal Paul Larmand Ron J. Dunphy N.L.P. 2 $ 55.00 $ 239.07 $239.07 $ 0.00 Humpage, Taylor, Macdonald W.H. Harry Pope Nat. Sheila Kathleen Pope 13 $16,103.92 $14,951.03 $ 0.00 $14,951.03 BDO Dunwoody Ward Mallette,! Chartered Accountants Lucy Rybka-Becker N.D.P. Richard Ledwidge 52 $12,780.60 $10,807.77 $890.47 $ 9,917.30 Bernard G. Nayman Alex Shepherd Lib. TedRytwinski 179 $36,671.19 $43,460.14 $646.09 $42,814.05 Madgett, Roberts, Marlowe, Hurren & Partners Ian Smyth R.P. Jennifer McKanick 135 $36,112.17 $39,886.66 $134.49 $39,732.17 Peter Vanek Ross Stevenson P.C. Doug Berry 214 ' $46,339.00 $45,852.08 $635.00 $45,217.08 Van Camp & Keller Chartered Accountants The complete return respecting election expenses for each of the above candidates may be examined by contacting the Returning Officer: • Allan E. McConney, 130 Brock Street East, Uxbridge, ONT. L9P 1K5 * Permitted Limit ofElection Expenses for Durham: $65,697.69 All figures as reported by candidate CANADA ^ Published by the Chief Electoral Officer of Canada pursuant The non-partisan agency responsible t Auditor S report was qualified. t0 sti bscctions 235(2) and (3) of the Canada Elections Act for the conduct offederal elections Nom du candidat Nom de l'agent officiel Nombre Total de des dons donateurs Total des dépenses d'élection Déduire : dépenses personnelles du candidat Total des dépenses d'élection assujetties à la limite* Vérifié par Durk T. Bruinsma P.H.C. Joy I. Boyd 39 7 505,87 $ 6 044,32 $ .206,51 $ 5 837,81 $ Hobb Bakker Bergin comptables agrées Judy Hurvid P.V. Richard Hurvid 12 525,00 $ 333,40 $ 253,40 $ 80,00 $ Deloitte & Touche comptables agréés Micheal Paul Larmand Ron J. Dunphy P.L.N. 2 55,00 $ 239,07$ 239,07$ 0,00$ Humpage, Taylor, Macdonald W.H. Harry Pope Nat. Sheila Kathleen Pope : 13 16 103,92$ 14 951,03$ 0,00 $ 14 951,03 $ BDO Dunwoody Ward Mallette,! comptables agréés Lucy Rybka-Bccker N.P.D. Richard Ledwidge 52 12 780,60$ 10 807,77$ 890,47 $ 9 917,30 $ Bernard G. Nayman Alex Shepherd Lib. Ted Rytwinski 179 36 671,19$ 43 460,14 $ 646,09 $ 42 814,05 $ Madgett, Roberts, Marlowe, Hurren & Partners Ian Smyth PR. Jennifer McKanick " 135 36112,17$ 39 886,66 $ 134,49 $ 39 732,17$ Peter Vanek Ross Stevenson PC. Doug Berry 214 46 339,00 $ 45 852,08 $ 635,00 $ 45 217,08 $ Van Camp & Keller comptables agréés Le rapport complet concernant les dépenses d'élection des candidats susmentionnés peut être examiné en s'adressant au directeur du scrutin Allan E. McConney, 130, rue Brode est, Uxbridge, ONT. * Limite permise des dépenses d'élection pour Durham : 65 697,69 $ t Le vérificateur a émis une réserve. L9P 1K5 ÆWSr ELECTIONS /.es chiffres sont tels tjtte rapportés par les candidats. CANADA Publié par le directeur général tics élections conformément 1, 'organisme non partisan chargé aux paragraphes 235(2) et (3) de ht Loi électorale du Canada de la conduite tics élections fédérales