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16 The Clarington Independent, Bow'manville, Saturday, August 27,1994 It seems hard to believe now, but years ago my wife used to complain that we were together too much. "We need to spend more time away from each other." These words seemed like a personal attack on me, a kind of rejection. Back then, I was, in fact, at home most of the time. I was freelancing - writing, editing, consulting. I had no regular place to go to work, neither a classroom nor an office. Working at home was the natural thing to do. It also seemed like the right thing for our marriage for me to be home with my family as much as possible. Wasn't it true that most men weren't with their families nearly enough? And wasn't that sad state of affairs one of the major causes of marriage breakdown? Certainly it was and it still is. So, for a time I resisted my wife's advice. advice. But the signs became too strong to ignore. I, too, began to wonder if we were suffering from too much togetherness. togetherness. As I looked back, I began to see some of the consequences of too much closeness. Much of what had been fresh for us was getting stale. Habit was replacing spontaneity. Liveliness was fading. We were getting getting cranky with each other. Sticky togetherness, a big factor in marriage breakdown. But it's hard to recognize because we mistakenly believe believe that marriage must mean being together as much as possible, till death finally parts us. Spouses can get stuck together in unhealthy ways. They read each others' others' minds. They make assumptions about each other. They come to believe believe that they can predict each other's other's every word, mood and action. They stop listening. They finish each other's sentences. "You're an open book to me. You don't have to tell me what's with you. I always know." In this kind of emotional climate, it's practically impossible for anyone to be themselves. They become smothered. Familiarity really does breed contempt. contempt. Being stuck together may mean, for example, that one partner becomes very demanding and the other tends to give in. Just one of many bad ruts that couples can get into. "I hate having to do everything my husband's way but if I don't have dinner ready at six, for instance, he'll be furious." When couples are too stuck together, together, it becomes nearly impossible to recognize these ruts, let alone climb out of them. Ruts of dusty, outmoded outmoded routines that come from getting getting stagnant. Stuck-together spouses tend to be so close that they can't see or experience experience each other clearly. Excessive closeness blurs the vision. When we look at someone long enough at close Durham West 4H Club Goes for Gold At Greenbank Hall What is a zoonotic disease? What organ produces most digestive enzymes? enzymes? Is a zipper stitched from top to bottom or bottom to top? These arc only a few of the questions that challenged challenged the Durham West 4-H members members at the Go For The Gold Competition Competition on August 2nd at the Greenbank hall. For the 1994 competitions, ten teams competed with the Port Perry Dairy team of Laura Phoenix, Barclay Barclay Phoenix, Matt Phoenix and Carl Phoenix emerging the wiimers. Runner-up Runner-up team was the North Ontario Dairy team of Megan Behr, Melanie Fisher, Chris Shier and Glen Creighton. Creighton. The all-star team of Rob Ashton, Laura Yates, Carl Phoenix, Michael Helms and alternates Michael Moore, Shari Batty and Chris Shier were chosen to represent Durham West at the Regional Competition, October 1st in Wellington County. Railroaders Meet Oct. 1 Handling It... By Lloyd Scott range, we're no longer able to see or understand them at all. Furthermore, when we're too close, we tend to see and hear whatever feeds our biases about the other person. Too much togetherness togetherness also encourages the bad habit of assuming that we really do know and understand the other guy deeply. Unfortunately, our assumptions about spouses (and about other people) people) tend to remain unchanged. While people themselves do change their attitudes attitudes and their behaviours, assumptions assumptions (illustrated by the common practice of mind-reading) remain stuck in the past, rooted in what we prefer to believe. Once in a while, one hears about a couple who have lived together in apparent apparent harmony for many . years when, suddenly one of them up and leaves. The other is astonished, bewildered, bewildered, crushed. One explanation may be that, by being too closely stuck together they no longer knew much about one another. They may have become strangers by habitually taking each other for granted, instead of listening, observing, paying attention attention and learning. It's a dreary state of affairs in marriages when habit replaces replaces understanding. For many married couples, it may be time to pry themselves apart, time for each to rediscover his or her individuality, individuality, time to breathe new life into their marriages. Model railroading enthusiasts in this area will have the opportunity to increase their knowledge of the hobby hobby at the Central Ontario Division (COD) Model Railroad Meet being held on Saturday, October 1 at the RCAF 418 WING Association Hall County Road #31 in Belleville, Ontario Ontario from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Admission Admission is $3.00 (NMRA Members) $4.00 (Non-NMRA members). Registration Registration will begin at 9:00 a.m. The meet will open in the morning with the presentation of model- oriented clinics conducted by 3 very knowledgeable model railroaders. The Clinic will start at 10:00 a.m. and run until 12:00 p.m. The first clinic will be "Painting and Weathering Weathering Diesel Locomotives" by Mike Pyszczek, the second will be "Detailing "Detailing Techniques" by Burt Reynolds, and the third will be "Freight Routing by Computer" by Bruce Wilson. In the afternoon a selection of local local layouts will be open from 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. for the model railroads railroads to tour. Maps to the layouts will be provided at the meet. The Central Ontario Division was formed to allow fellow modellers throughout Southern Ontario to meet and exchange ideas, to provide regular regular programs and live clinics to aid modellers in improving their modelling modelling skills, and to help modellers gain more enjoyment from the hobby. The COD operates under the auspices of the Niagara Frontier Region of NMRA Inc. These organizations are dedicated to the premise that Model Railroading is FUN!! If you have a model railroad layout, or have always wanted to, or just want to improve your modelling skills, be sure to attend attend the COD Meet. % Jr Thank You, Subscribers! The results of our recent subscription promotion were FANTASTIC ! Congratulations to Vic Auger, the winner of: • A pair of tickets to a Toronto Sporting Event • One night's accommodation at the Harbour Castle Westin • Limousine transportation to Toronto and home the next day Plus... $250.00 in spending money. fU Canadian Statesman 62 King St. W. Telephone 623-3303 Clarington's Community Newspaper Since 1854 Bowmanville